At first I told myself I was just taking a break. I had family in town and I was working and trying to blog, and write, and draw everyday and it all just got to be too much. I didn’t take a break, I quit. By the time I was honest with myself and admitted that I had quit I was already carrying a heavy load of guilt and disappointment. I had gone weeks without writing or drawing anything and it felt like it was too late to try again.
Then I told myself I needed to figure out what went wrong so that I could get back on the horse and start again without getting overwhelmed. I didn’t do that either. I just kept on quitting. I knew I just needed to keep trying but everything felt so difficult. Every time I would sit down to write I would just browse Facebook or Pinterest instead. I read other blogs and thought about how I could never write as well as them. I looked at other people’s artwork and wished I was talented and motived too.
Then a few things changed.
The first thing was a more gradual change. Slowly, then all at once, I realized me and my girlfriend are happy. If you read my past post on the history of our relationship you know that we haven’t always been happy together. We were always in love, that never changed, but we didn’t know how to be in a relationship. I feel like in this past year, and more so in the past six months or so, we have really found our flow together. Communication has been wonderful, we have been closer and more intimate than ever, and we just feel this glow, this bubble, of love and acceptance around us. Basically everything has just felt….good! It’s like we are teenagers in love again but this time we are doing it right!
Then my girlfriend got a big promotion. She has worked so hard over the years and they finally recognized her for it. I am very proud of her and I know she will do great in her new position. It will be a lot of responsibility but I know she can do it! This also means we will have more money coming in and that could mean I might not have to work as hard. It could mean I could set aside more time for art and writing. Not that I want to work a whole lot less, just maybe I don’t have to sacrifice all of my time and energy for my job. Maybe I could have a bit more time for the things I love.
The last thing thing that changed were my goals. I started this blog with the intention of expressing myself but other than that I had no idea where I was going with this. Now I think I need to be more useful to the world. I need to be able to teach something. I’m not entirely sure what that is yet but I think the direction I’m heading for is more of a philosophical one with a bit of life hacking and self improvement thrown on top. I want to be a better person but I don’t know exactly what that better person looks like yet but instead of just sitting around and thinking about being a better person, I want to actually do some experimenting and figuring out what being a better person means.
I also want to make life easier and more enjoyable. I want to cut out all of the crap and actually really start being happier and healthier. I want to manage my money better. I want to stop procrastinating and being fearful. I want to get things done and go on adventures. I want to get involved with social issues and volunteer and protest. I want to leave something behind when I die. I really think that now is the time when me and my girlfriend can really start figuring out what we want out of life instead of just doing the same old work, home, sleep routine.
So I am back. I am writing and I am coming up with ways to make some big changes in my life. I feel good, I feel happy, and I feel hopeful. Good vibes everyone!