I am one of those difficult people. I feel things deeply and I overthink everything. I talk a lot and in my mind everything leads to everything else. I exhaust people. I love hard and my relationships can get intense and dysfuntional. I’m moody too. One minute I am happy and joking, the next my feelings are hurt and I am embarassed and angry. I love to laugh and I often take jokes too far. I’m not good at knowing when enough is enough and I can be irritating. More than anything I want to be seen. I want people to look at me and see who I am.
I also have a tendancy to be the complete opposite of what I think I am. I have a tendancy to be the oppposite of what I was just yesterday. It is hard to get to know me although many people think they do. I overshare and tell people things about myself they wouldn’t want to know. I think I do this because no one suspects someone who overshares of having secrets. I have many though and they are buried deep. There is one person who knows me better than anyone though and I’m not even sure how well she knows me. I’m not sure how well I know myself. I want the world to see me but i don’t even know who I am.
I want to change. I want to be better and more open. I want to tell my story and heal. I want to show others the world that I see. I want everyone to be a little more like me. Don’t we all want that though? Everyone should be more sensitive. Everyone should love everyone else just a little more. Everyone should talk more and try to understand each other a little better. I think that is the path to a better world. Undertsanding, empathy, and love. See the whole world, the whole universe, understand it, and love it. This is the only life you get. It’s time we share our secrets and see each other for who we all are.
I guess that is what I want to do here. I want to see and be seen. I want to connect everything and love the universe and show you how to do the same. I’m not sure how to do that yet but I know my focus has to narrow. I want to write more about philosophy and science. I want to write about current events and the suffering I see. I want to write about how my heart hurts for myself, my family, and all of you. I want to write about things that are real that no one can see, and the things that aren’t real that rule over each of us.
There is so much to say but I never know where to begin. When ever it is time to begin my mind draws a blank. I thought the words would come easily but they don’t. I have to work harder and remember the things I need to say. I hoped maybe with practice the words would come easier, and in a way they have, but not in the way that I thought. There is no magic, it is work, but after the work comes the magic, when people see you and tell you so. I want more of that and I’d like to give it in return. The goal is community and learning for learnings sake.
One day, if enough magic happens, and if enough ideas present themselves to me, maybe there could be a book. A book about everything. A book about me and you and all of us and how we aren’t exactly something, but we aren’t nothing either. We are freer than we think and we can mean something to ourselves and each other. One day we will all be forgotten but the ripples we create can change the future. I believe in postive vibes. I believe giving one smile can create two. I believe in paying it forward and never expecting anything in return. I believe that, and much more, is the way to happiness and a better world.
I tried to combine both the Blogging 101 and Writing 101 prompts today. I did a bit of free writing and I wrote a bit about myself and why I blog. Theres was minimal editing. Only paragraph spacing and spelling.