This morning I woke up frustrated and still tired. I rolled you over and kissed you and said good morning. You aren’t ready for it but you let me do it anyway. I feel you wanting to be grouchy but you know I need this time with you to start my day off right. I love that you know this about me and you know it before any words are spoken.
We get up and I watch you get ready for the day with ease. I don’t know how you do it. Part of me feels neglected but also proud. You are the definition of focus and organization. I try my best not to bother you and you see that I am sad. You stop and ask if I’m okay. I say that I am but you see in my eyes that I am not. You kiss my forehead and ask me what you can do to help. I smile at this because you are sweet but I know I have to do this on my own. I have to find a way to get ready on time without your help. I think you are relieved and that’s okay. I love the honesty I see on your face. You want to focus on the things you have to do and I want that for you too.
I miss you terribly all day. I text you sweet messages, some of them you get, some of them you don’t. I know you are busy so I don’t take it personally. I think of all the things you are probably accomplishing and I am proud of you. I love you for being a so motivated and pushing yourself to do more and be better. I wish I could be like you. You are my role model and I love you for that. I am sad that you are too busy for me right now but I love you for it too. I think about what it will be like once we get home and that helps. You send me a message saying you love me. I love you for having such good timing.
We’ve just gotten home after working long hours. You are complaining about your job and all the people you had to deal with. I am listening but part of me is smiling because in this moment I love you. Right now your anger and frustration make you seem passionate and alive. I know that for every complaint you make there is a little bit of pride behind it for handling the situation and fixing a problem. I know you love the work as much as you hate it. I have always been able to read between the lines of what you are saying. I am the only one who can.
We sit next to each other on the couch and you are on your iPad and I am on mine. On the TV a stupid show is playing that neither of us paying attention to. This is how we spend most of our evenings and we like it this way. To the outside world it may seem like we aren’t close but we are. The way my cold feet find their way under your legs under the covers we are sharing. The way your hand finds it’s way to the back of my neck to play with my dreadlocks. It’s little things like that that let me know you are aware of me. I feel you next to me too and it is nice, it is comfortable, it is home. I know you haven’t forgotten me. I love knowing that these things we do are both intimate and automatic. Our bodies show our love even when our minds are preoccupied.
It is time for bed now and I know you won’t want to go. You are a night owl. You never seem to be tired. I have to tell you you need your sleep. You have to work long hours again tomorrow and you will only be at your best if you sleep. You hate to hear this but you do it anyway because you know I am right. I clean up our mess and turn out the lights. We climb into bed and you play the love songs we have collected into a playlist we call “Bedtime Stories”. I love that playlist. I can never go to bed angry with Sade playing in the background. I feel the words to the music and think about how much I love you. And just like the song says “Oh When You’re Cold/ I’ll be there/ to hold you tight to me”, I pull you close to me hold on tight. I wish I could stay here forever, in this moment just before sleep. I know that in this unforgiving, uncaring world, I have you and you have me, and that’s all that really matters.
As I drift off to sleep I quietly wish that we will have many more years of days like these. Days where you are you and I am me but underneath it all we are one. I wonder if other couples feel this way too and I fell bad for the ones who don’t. I wonder how single people do it because I just cannot imagine life without you. I think about the times when I almost lost you and I am ashamed of how I acted in the past. From somewhere in your half sleep you feel my mind struggling and you reach you hand back to pat my hips. In your sleepy voice you ask me if I’m okay and I say that I am, it’s just that I love you so much. No more explanation is needed, you know what that means. I love that you know me so well, you just get me. You say you love me too and you tell me to close my eyes and sleep now, and I do.
Tomorrow we will do it all again….