I’m feeling a little down this week. I talk so much about trying to stay positive and productive but I’m new to it and I slip up sometimes. I am having trouble loving myself and seeing the good that I do. My work and responsibilities have also become a bit overwhelming and I have fallen back into my usual habit of closing up and ignoring everything and doing nothing.
I felt bad for not posting here after having done so well these past few months so I put my butt in the chair and started typing. I thought of the quote by Earnest Hemingway, “Write hard and clear about what hurts”, and thats what I going to do.
I am hurt that depression is winning again. I have struggled with depression since I was a kid and at this point I imagine it will be an ongoing battle for the rest of my life. I get down and then I hate myself for not being able to cope with life like an adult. I am always a bit sensitive and during the times when I am feeling more depressed than usual my emotional sensitivity gets much, much worse. Every perceived criticism cuts right to the bone and I fall apart and cry almost daily. Then I hate myself even more for letting people affect me and for not being stronger.
I am hurt that I feel lost. I feel like I have no worth or purpose. I feel like nothing I do gets me any closer to a better life and I don’t exactly know what I’m doing wrong. I work with people who do nothing more than what they have to and they enjoy the same pay and benefits I do. I question whether or not I should even keep trying to go above and beyond because in the end I just feel taken advantage of and stressed out.
I am hurt that I feel so alone in the world. I feel like no one can see my pain or maybe they just don’t want to. I try my best to help out where I can and to be a good employee, friend, sister, daughter, and girlfriend but I feel like I fail at every turn. I wish others would make more effort for me in return but I know no one in this world owes me anything. It would just be nice to hear some kind words. A little encouragement and reassurance would go a long way.
My girlfriend is busy at work and even when she isn’t busy she’s never been very good at dealing with my emotions. She grew up with a very emotional mother and so when I get really down it can be triggering for her. She is trying to be there for me but I know when I am like this I can be a bit much. I know that dealing with a depressed person can leave you feeling exhausted and emotionally drained. Dealing with a depressed person can make you feel like nothing you do is good enough.
I have to pull myself out of this. I know no one else can get me through it. All I can ask from family and friends is support. I have to be careful not to ask too much of them. I don’t want to bring anyone else down. I don’t want to become an emotional vampire, just living of the energy of others. I have been around people like that and it is horrible.
I have to keep writing. Writing helps get the bad feelings out and I always feel better for having completed something. I have to get back to drawing to for the same reasons. I enjoy working those creative muscles. I also need to get back into maintaining and building relationships with the people who matter in my life. Yeah they don’t always make the same effort but someone has to and I really want my loved ones around.
I’m also going to talk to people about how I’m feeling. I’m going to tell my friends and family that I don’t feel like they are making efforts to maintain our relationships. I’m going to tell my bosses that I am feeling a bit undervalued and overwhelmed. I need them to help me lighten my work load and to take some of the responsibility off of me that I am not getting paid to take on.
I’ll start with those and see if I can’t get out of this funk I’m in. I apologize for not being around but I am going to try much harder to write more often and hopefully add some value to your days. I haven’t forgotten my dear readers for one second and I hope you are all doing well, or at least better than me :)