I hate that I’m sensitive and jealous and stupid and quiet and ugly and annoying
Ever since I was a child I’ve been told I was too sensitive. The slightest criticism or perceived disappointment or anger, especially from my mother or was always met with tears. My mother was strong and didn’t cry so when I cried all she saw was that her daughter was weak.
That’s what I think anyway. She called me sensitive and a cry baby and she often implied that she thought I was faking it for attention. Being a drama queen and trying to get people to feel sorry for me. I stil think that now when I cry. I think everyone thinks I am a fake and looking for sympathy and attention.
I had a hard childhood and as much as I tried to grow up to be strong I fear I have become even more sensitive. I feel so much all the time and all of those emotions are expressed through tears. When I am happy I cry. When I feel love I cry. When I feel frustrated I cry. When that frustration turns to anger I cry harder. And of course when I am sad I cry the hardest.
I internalized what I felt my mother felt about me and now I feel weak and pathetic. I want to be like most other people who don’t cry. My girlfriend is like that. She is strong and she moves forward in life with thick skin. She also has a hard time dealing with sensitive people like me. Part of her loves that I am this way because she does need someone to soften her up. I remind her that it’s important to feel things.
But sometimes feeling so much is too much. Sometimes I think it would be easier to be thick skinned like regular people. Then I could stop crying so much and feeling so much pain all the time. I imagine I would feel less happiness though, there is a cost to everything I suppose.
I think my childhood has left me with many raw, open wounds. I am always on the verge of pain. No I am fragile and damaged and I need to be handled with care but it’s not easy for other people who just want to be able to be normal around me. People who want to make jokes and who are brutally honest get frustrated when I collapse into a ball of tears.
When that happens and I see the way people look at me then I start to feel the bad things about myself. I am weak.
But maybe I’m not as weak as I think. My girlfriend says I am strong all the time. When she says it I barely believe her, BUT it is nice to hear it coming from her, the strongest person I know. She says she really means it and I think to her showing emotion the way I do seems like it takes a whole lot of guts. She doesn’t know I don’t choose it. She doen’t know I don’t the strength to fight it.
I have tried to fight it. I have tried to bottle things up and grow a thich skin but the more I fight the worse I get. One thing I have learned over the years is that this part of me will never change. I am not going to fight it anymore. I’m going to embrace it and I’m going to see if maybe I can be strong in my own way. Maybe being a sensitive person is a strength. I am differnt from everyone else and that has to mean something. That has to be something good.
This was a free write. I didn’t edit it at all or change anything. Please forgive any errors.