I am a nice person. I’m not bragging about it here. Honestly I don’t always feel like a nice person but I know that I try. I have learned over the last few years that there are people who are broken in such a way that they need others to care about them. They need it in an unhealthy way. They need for you to stop everything and pry at them and beg them to talk to you and tell you what is going on and how you can fix it for them.
I have been that person before so I know. I have been that person who mopes around waiting for someone to ask me whats wrong. When no one did I concluded that no one cared. If someone did ask I would tell them I was fine and see if they could tell I wasn’t. If they didn;t keep asking then they just didn’t care.
I assumed people only ever tried to make you feel better if they care deeply for you and devoted time to seeing you and making you their top priority if you were feeling down. This isn’t realistic though. People have their own lives and sometimes cannot see others and their emotions. Doesn’t mean they don’t care. I learned to ask for help, or a shoulder to cry on, or some advice when I needed it. Getting help is my responsibility, not anyone else’s.
Sometimes I feel like people take advantage of my niceness and my drive to help others. I think there are people for whom nothing I do will ever be good enough. This can be the hardest thing for caring people like me. At first I feel guilty for not doing enough. Then I try to find a way to give more of myself just to please the other person. When that doesn’t work I just try to apologize a lot and hope they forgive me.
The thing is it’s not always my fault. I just can’t be expected to make other people a top priority all day everyday. Especially when you are not my girlfriend or mother or sister, ect. I just want to go to work and relax and do my best. Not get wrapped up in another person’s issues and then feel guilty for not doing enough. I listen and tell them I care. I try to cheer them up and I tell them I hope more than anything that things get better. That isn’t enough though.
And so maybe those people shouldn’t be in my life. I shouldn’t have to feel like this all the time. I have my own issues and to be honest I don’t owe anyone anything. I am nice and I care and so I listen and try to help but no one should expect me to make them not only top priority but my only priority! That is unrealistic!
I’m going to try to be more clear with the people in my life who I notice are doing this. To those people who blame me and tell me I don’t care. To those people who say I’m not trying hard enough. To the people who say I don’t say the right things. To you people I say, I tried! I tried and I gave you all I could and a little appreciation could’ve gone a long way but you tried to suck more and more out of me and I have nothing left to give you now. I’m sorry but you will have to more on. I love myself to much to let you ruin me like that.