There was a time when I walked the world in a deep and true loneliness. It is hard to describe it and if you’ve never experienced it you might not ever understand. The colors were gone and everything was grey. No one could hear me or see me and if the pain of the depression wasn’t bad enough the pain of the loneliness made it almost impossible to bear. Then I met the girl who would change all that.
She came along and suddenly I could see light and colors. We both had been alone and when the world couldn’t see us we saw each other. There was only her and me, like the last two lovers left on earth.
We loved so hard and so fiercely we made light and warmth of our own. We become two halves of a whole and now I can’t imagine life any other way. People think we spend too much time together, they say they could never live the way we do but there is a balance. We spend a lot of time together but the space doesn’t have to be filled with activity and talk.
I still feel some loneliness when she isn’t around. I’m reminded that in this world I am essentially alone. I mean, she can’t be with me at all times and I could never expect her to be. Sometimes we all have to be alone, to know ourselves. I am learning that now. So instead of feeling lonely and wishing for someone to come save me I am learning to enjoy my time with myself.
Not that there is only one person in my life. I have family and friends and co-workers who care about me and enjoy my company but I don’t feel like they see me the way my ole lady does. I am a short girl, standing at slightly over 5 feet tall on the days when I walk tall. My voice tends to come out quiet and shaky unless I am overly excited. Then it comes out loud and awkward. I have been told I am too nice, and people feel the need to change me, to toughen me up.
People feel sorry for me and they don’t see the sides of me I wish they did, but she does. She thinks I’m smart and funny and she thinks my capacity for compassion and empathy is something to admire. We are both the same and yet opposites of each other too. We each see ourselves in the other and at the same time we accept and admire the ways that we are different. It’s us against the world! We are a team and both of us are in this together.
We don’t have to walk the world alone, we each have each other and I hope I never have to go back to the days before, when I felt that isolation. But even if I ever lost her, I hope I would have found comfort in myself and learned that when I accept myself and love myself so I never have to feel lonely again.