I have never been very enthusiastic about the idea of having children. I just didn’t think I was the type who was very nurturing or motherly. I realize now this is because I have never felt very feminine. I don’t feel womanly in that way.
What I mean is, I don’t think pregnancy is for me but that doesn’t mean parenthood isn’t for me. So I have been rethinking motherhood. I let myself consider the possibility that I could be in charge of a little life one day. The thought is terrifying.
I want to be a good mother but it seems like a hard thing to be. It seems like something where you are bound to fail and your failures could affect another person for the rest of their lives.
I’ve had some mothers tell me I was lucky that since I am in a relationship with another woman, I was free from the threat of pregnancy.* But lately, I have been rethinking that too. It’s not so much that I am lucky we can’t have children naturally, I am lucky that I get to think this through before I bring another life into this world. I get to decide if motherhood is for me and what kind of mother I want to be before I become one.
I want to be the kind of mother that allows their child have control over their own emotions.
Many parents want to have absolute control over their child, even they way they think and feel. I want my child to feel free to think and feel as they want, ever if they can’t always do as they want.
Parents often forget that being a child isn’t easy and that it is a frustrating and confusing time. To many of us grow into adults still harboring those same feelings because we were never allowed to feel them as kids. I want to be the kind of parent that lets their child be angry, hurt, sad, and happy because I love them enough to treat them like a person in their own right
I want to be the kind of mother who lets their child know how great is is to be around them.
I only know a few parents who I can say actually interact with their child every day. Not just because they have to but actually sitting down with them and doing an activity or taking them somewhere, just for them, on a regular basis. Most parents I know work, go home, feed their kids, yell at their kids, put them to bed, wake up, take them to school, then go to work. I don’t want to that.
I want my child to know I am happy they are here and I look forward to seeing them. They are not a burden in my life, quite the opposite actually. I want to do fun things and learn about the world all over again with them. My child will open up a whole new world for me and I want them to know I need that as much as they need me.
I want to be the kind of mother who’s child knows their best is always good enough.
I want to be the kind of parent that praises the effort more than the accomplishment. Both are important but by praising the effort a kid knows that trying new and difficult things is what is important, not being the best at things. Too often kids are pressured to do more than what they can and they feel guilty because of it. The feel inadequate in a time when they should just be having fun and learning about the world.
I want my child to be the kind who has courage and curiosity. I want them to know that they have not failed as long as they tried and can honestly say they did their best. Life is hard enough, I want my kid to have a little time where just trying new things is fun and fulfilling.
I know that being a mother is not easy. I know that all mothers want to be good mothers and that it’s easier said than done. I know I will get frustrated, I will get angry, and I will wonder if this was the right choice. I just hope I won’t feel like that all the time. I want to enjoy being a mother. I want my kid to enjoy being my kid.
I want to raise a happy child, not just a smart or accomplished child. I think many people can look back and the best memories you have of your parents are those times when you knew they loved you by the way they acted. I think most of us can say we wish we had more times like that.
I want to be the kind of parent we all wanted to have, but I worry I won’t be. When I look inside myself I cannot say for sure if I am, or ever will be ready for that kind of responsibility. I am too selfish, too absent-minded, to emotional, too fragile, to raise another human being.
I will probably be a terrible parent…
But maybe not *shrug*
“In a child’s eyes, a mother is a goddess. She can be glorious or terrible, benevolent or filled with wrath, but she commands love either way. I am convinced that this is the greatest power in the universe.”
// N.K. Jemisin, The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms
*FYI: telling a lesbian couple (or any couple) that they are lucky they cannot have children is very rude and hurtful. Don’t do it.
Featured image via Pixabay