If We Were Having Coffee // Am I Sad or am I Sick?

Hello dear readers, thank you for stopping by for coffee and conversation. I apologize for being a bit later than usual. My laptop decided to install about a million updates today and to take its sweet time in getting it done. I know humans make new advancements in technology almost daily, why is none of it is frustration free yet? Sigh…Please excuse my, my expectations are getting unrealistic again.

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If we were having coffee, I would need mine strong. I feel tired today, but I can’t tell if it is my body or my mind that is dragging.  I can’t tell if I just need more sleep, or if I am depressed. It’s also possible I could be getting sick. I can’t tell if it’s allergies or the beginning of a summer cold. I hope it is allergies; everyone knows summer colds are the worst.

I am going to go with depression. Nothing serious, it’s just a bit of loneliness. My friends have been busy; my girlfriend has been busy, and my family feels fractured and yes, too busy. I haven’t had an adequate amount of human interaction and conversation to stimulate the mind. Also, whenever it seems people are too busy, I start to worry I never had any real friends, that no one ever really cared about me, and that my life is by comparison very dull.

I’ve had too much time inside my own head.

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If we were having coffee, I would tell you it isn’t all doom and gloom. This past week marked the 14th anniversary of the day we became us. She said yes and we’ve been together ever since. Through some very good times and some very bad.

I’m one of the lucky ones. I’ve found someone to love and be loved by. I’ve found someone who knows me and still thinks the world of me. I’ve found someone who makes me laugh, helps me grow, and teaches me patience. She’s the kind of girl who hugs you and kisses your wounds when the world has driven you home, bruised and broken. She’s the kind of girl who sends you right back out with a swift kick in the ass and tells you to keep fighting. She’s been there for me when I had no one, and she loved me when I had nothing to offer her but my love in return. She’s amazing, and I’ve had the privilege of spending the past 14 years with her. Happy Anniversary! Thank you for all the happiness you’ve given me.

I wrote this for her on Facebook, and I admit I felt pretty proud when she told me it made her cry. I meant every word of it, but I wish I could write something that told people what 14 years with someone feels like. I love her of course, very much, but there are other feelings. Sometimes I am angry with her, and sometimes I am hurt by her or even, in my anger, wish to hurt her too, which makes 14 years sound like something bad.

I think I mean that when you first love someone, there is only love, and that feels limited and fragile. When you grow with someone, there are other feelings, all the feelings, and it feels more secure. It feels bigger and stronger, and it is more beautiful than you an imagine when you think love and perfection is al there is.

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If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I am having a hard time doing anything but read East of Eden by John Steinbeck lately. I am nearly done with it, and I’m feeling sad I will have to let it go but also accomplished for talking the big thing.

There are parts of the book I don’t care for much, but I am enjoying the way it was written and the mirroring of the oldest biblical stories over and over again.I am not religious, but I do find the stories and lessons interesting. I especially like when they are updated and written in a time closer to my own. I like when the stories and lessons are made so that I can apply or compare them to my own life.

I’ll, of course, write a proper Short and Sweet Review when I am finished.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that my driving class last week went very well! I told the guy about my fear and that it was the reason I am 31 years old and still haven’t gotten my license. He said he understood and even worked with another woman in a similar situation. He told me that, unfortunately, she was unable to overcome her fear but apparently she was worse off than me.

I drove for an entire hour and a half which is excellent for me. Usually, I start to get upset long before that. He said I am a good driver; I have control of the vehicle, and I am safe. He thinks I just need a lot of practice, and I need to spend a lot of time learning the rules of the road. He believes learning the rules inside and out will help me feel safe, and he told me to think about what I am doing as a sort of communication to other drivers.

The whole thing helped a lot!

I have two more sessions, and I can schedule them whenever I want. He recommended I practice on my own for a while before working with him again, so that is the plan.

I’m so glad I did this!

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I had better get going. It’s getting late, and my house is such a mess. I have to start the dreaded chores, bleck! Thank you so much for chatting with me, I needed it.

I hope that you had a good week, and I hope your weekend has been relaxing. Please, if you have a moment, drop a note in the comments and let me know what you’ve been up to and how you’ve been feeling. I’d love to hear from you!

Until next time :)

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Featured image via Unsplash

 

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Lisa

Hello! My name is Lisa. I find the human condition fascinating and I often write stuff about that. I blog at zenandpi.com but you can also find me on Twitter, Tumblr, and Instagram, and if you like what I do, consider signing up for my newsletter. Thanks :)

6 thoughts on “If We Were Having Coffee // Am I Sad or am I Sick?”

  1. Here’s hoping you feel better Lisa! Summer colds are the worst, because you have to deal with the heat and humidity on top of everything else, in my opinion.

    Also, happy anniversary :)

    Like

  2. Two of the three in this house have colds (though they are proper winter ones here in Australia), and I am the last standing.

    I’ve had more than ten years with my Wanderer, and I understand what you’re talking about. There’s that deeper bond and connection – something that goes beyond the occasional anger or pain that is somewhere closer to the surface of things. Congratulations on your 14 years, and here’s to many more.

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    1. Ten years! Congrats! It’s nice to know there are still people in the world who are working through the ups and downs of relationships. Everyone I know is either single or in a new relationship. It’s hard to find couples who understand that eventually it becomes something very different from how it starts out. It’s something you almost can’t explain, you have to have experienced it to get it.

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