Hello, dear readers and happy Monday! I know I know, Mondays aren’t happy. Mondays are for being tired, and grouchy, and remembering all the things you don’t like about your life. Mondays are for wanting nothing more than to crawl back into bed and escaping the world.
But, let’s try something different. Let’s imagine that Mondays are the days when we get to start all over again. Let’s imagine all the bad things that happened last week don’t matter anymore and that we’ve been given a second chance to do it all again, and this time, we might even get it right.
From now on Monday’s are for making the changes we want to see in ourselves, and for thinking about the changes we want to see in the world. Monday’s are our new favorite days!
As for me, this Monday is off to a rather negative start. My mood is shot due to lack of sleep, period cramps and fatigue, and the promise of having to do a bunch of stuff I really don’t want to do. This week is going to be a busy one, and I’m not happy about it. I’m grouchy. I’m angry. I’m irritated, frustrated, and likely to lash out unless I stop. Unless I just stop, breathe, and remember it’s not so bad and it’ll be over soon.
I have to stop, and just…breathe.
“I’m literally doing my best but I’m not gonna beg anyone to understand that.”
For most of my life, I have been an apologizer. I have been someone who takes the blame for all the anger, frustration, and discomfort around me. I apologize when it isn’t my fault. I apologize when I when I wasn’t wrong. I apologize and ask people to please understand. I am flawed. I am broken. I am hurting, and I am just doing my best. Please forgive me. Please pity me. Please understand that for me it’s a little harder.
I am depressed. I am tired. I haven’t been sleeping well, or feeling very good about myself. Please understand that I am human. I am flawed, and I have issues, and today I am just trying to cope. I am weak. I am sensitive, and I am just trying to make it through the day.
I beg people to understand that I am only now learning how to have proper boundaries. I have to beg people to understand my mind works a little differently. I have to beg them to understand I cannot control my fear or anxiety. I have to beg them to understand that just below the surface some wounds are still very raw. I have to beg them to understand I am just learning how to love living.
I am tired of begging.
I am a human being living in a world that expects each of us to work and worry all day every day without a moment of reflection and emotion. I am living in a world where compassion and care are seen as undesirable traits. I am living in a world where the need for comfort or kindness is the worst kinds of weakness.
I grew up in that. I saw it TV and read it in magazines. I was taught it out of books at school and in fights on the playground. I was hurt, inside and out and told that there was no reason I should not be able to work, live, and love, in a way that was perfect and productive in this world. I am stressed and depressed. I am drowning, and I am scared. I am lonely, and I fear that I am failing.
I was told that when I failed it was my fault. I was told that when I failed it was because I did not do my best.
So I walk around apologizing and reminding people I am doing my best. Please forgive me, please cut me some slack, please don’t think badly of me. I am doing my best.
When I do this, I feel so low afterward. I feel like I have to point to my flaws and say “Look at her. Of course, she failed. Look at all the places she is broken. Look at all the ways she is inferior. She did her best; that is all she can do, what a shame.”
When I do this, I feel like a burden on society. They all have to deal with me and my pathetic performance. My best is failing us all.
I will not beg anyone to understand. I will do my best and when I fail I will say I am sorry if the situation calls for it. If I let someone down, if I am cruel, if I am hurtful, I will apologize and explain, but I will not apologize for being me. For being slower, more sensitive, more anxious, or for needing more time, to think, to feel, to figure myself out. I may have issues, I may be lost, confused, hurt, and maybe even weak, but dammit I am not sorry, and I do not need anyone’s understanding or validation to know that my best is good enough.
None of us do!
You are doing your best. Be you. Be happy. Be grateful for who you are, what you can do, and how far you have come. Walk your path. Work through your shit. Do it without approval or apology. You don’t need it. You don’t owe it.
You are doing your goddamned best!
Featured image via Unsplash