If We Were Having Coffee // Just One Week to Go!

Hello dear readers! Thank you for stopping by for a bit of coffee and conversation. I know it’s late again, but I decided to wait until after I did my Christmas shopping this time. I didn’t want to feel so rushed, and I knew I wouldn’t be in the mood for chatting before such a stressful activity. But I’m done now, and I am happy to say I’ve made considerable progress. Just a couple of gift cards and a trip to the post office to go and I’m done!

So, I think it’s time for a reward. A nice cup of cold brew, a cookie or two, and a chance to catch up with you.

“I was taken by the power that savoring a simple cup of coffee can have to connect people and create community.I was taken by the power that savoring a simple cup of coffee can have to connect people and create community.”

— Howard Schultz

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I’m once again trying to work through my extreme fear of driving. I’ve tried before, many times over the years, but my anxiety makes excuses and may need to avoid my fear is so intense I simply don’t think about it, until I have to.

My girlfriend always drops me off at work, and a friend who lives close by was taking me home. The arrangement wasn’t ideal, but it kept me from having to face my fears. Lately, though, my girlfriend’s job is taking up more and more of her time, and this week my friend’s crapped out beyond repair.

Now I’m just getting rides where I can and using Uber when I have to, but it’s hard being such a burden to everyone and spending so much money when I only live 15 minutes away. It’s not just getting to and from work though. Dealing with this phobia all these years has left me feeling like only half a human. I feel low, broken, stupid, and trapped. There is so much I haven’t been able to do because I can’t get around easily or timely, and I’m tired.

The impact on my self-worth and my relationship has become more than I can handle. I am still afraid, but I’ve got to get out there and try. Yesterday I had a breakthrough. I drove to Target and parked, next to another actual car. We went shopping, and then I drove us home, at night. I did it without hitting anything and without crying, not even once.

Tomorrow, and all this week, I’m going to drive to work, and in the evening I am going to drive home. I am going to drive to work, and I am going to drive home. I am going to drive to work, and I am going to drive home. I am going to drive to work, and I am going to drive home…

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I’m actually looking forward to this work week. It’s going to be an easy one, and it is the last one before I get two whole weeks off from work. I might even get Thursday afternoon and all of Friday off. I don’t think my boss is too happy to give it to me, but since it won’t count against me and I have plenty of writing to do, I’m taking it.

Speaking of writing, if we were having coffee I would tell you that I have been making a lot of progress on my project. I even told In Real Life people about it! I never tell In Real Life people anything about my writing, which, I suppose, is another fear I should try to get over soon. One thing at a time Lisa. One thing at a time. Anyway, I have two pages of notes now, one more than I had last week, and this week I’d like to end with four.

More and more I am letting myself hope that this thing might be a real book one day. Not the book. Not the one I set out to write when I first let myself dream to be a writer, but it’s a book. It’s an important book. It’s what I need to write, and I hope, God I really hope, that other people might need it too.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I had a good reading week too. I finished Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? by Philip K. Dick. It wasn’t an easy read by it was really good.

A friend loaned it to me after he found out I hadn’t read it and I hadn’t seen the movie, Blade Runner, either. I read it quickly so I could return before I ruined it and he gave it back. He said I could keep it and then he bought me Blade Runner too! Which was also really good…if I pretend I saw it for the first time in 1982. Maybe this coming weekend I’ll check out the sequel, Blade Runner 2049.

I also finished Things Are What You Make of Them by Adam J. Kurtz, which was also really good. It’s one of those books I’m going to keep on my desk, so I can come back to it whenever I start to doubt myself or lose direction.

Next up I’ll be reading Call Me by Your Name by André Aciman. It isn’t the usual kind of book I would choose to read but my girlfriend read it, and she wants me to read it too so we can talk about i. When I’m finished, we’ll be seeing the film version too.

Oh, and I finally watch Mother! on Saturday night. I’d wanted to see it in theaters when it was released, but the reviews were so blah I decided to wait in case it was bad and I might feel I’d wasted my money. I was wrong, and I totally should have seen it in theaters. It’s good, but only if you get it and once you get it, it’s fucking genius. Jennifer Lawrence is now my favorite actress for this, seriously.

***

If we were having coffee, I would apologize for keeping you up so late. I’ve been distracted by housework and the TV. I’m glad got to catch up with you though. I wouldn’t want to miss a coffee chat with you the weekend before Christmas.

I hope you’ve got your gifts bought and your dinner plans in order. I hope you won’t have to work so much and that your stress levels stay within healthy and manageable levels. If I get busy, and I don’t see you before the holiday, I hope you get everything you wanted, and you are surrounded by people you love to share it with.

Take care of yourselves, okay?

Until next time.

***

Thanks for reading! If you like this post check out my weekly-ish newsletter for inspiring reads + existential musings on life, love, and inevitable human suffering. Or help support what I do by sharing a cup of coffee.

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli

Photo by Ryan Riggins on Unsplash

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Lisa

Hello! My name is Lisa. I find the human condition fascinating and I often write stuff about that. I blog at zenandpi.com but you can also find me on Twitter, Tumblr, and Instagram, and if you like what I do, consider signing up for my newsletter. Thanks :)

3 thoughts on “If We Were Having Coffee // Just One Week to Go!”

  1. Congratulations on taking major steps with that driving phobia! I’ve recently developed this weird thing — only while I’m a passenger — that if I’m not looking down at my phone I tend to flinch and gasp whenever other cars get too close or look like they might try to merge into us. It drives my partner nuts and I’m not sure what to do about it. But, fingers crossed that in 2018 I’ll figure out some way to put a stop to that.

    Merry Christmas! 🎄

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