Hello dear readers, happy Sunday, and thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and conversation. I’m a bit late, and I hope you will forgive me but the sun was shining, and the bookstore was calling, and I couldn’t resist a little trip before our coffee date.
The time change isn’t helping either. Turns out I didn’t have as much time as I thought I did and I’m later than I meant to be. On the bright side, the sun is still shining and saying we have plenty of daylight left for all the catching up we need to do, It’s still warm enough to warrant a cup of cold brew too!
“I hereby arm myself for today with coffee and the willingness to be wrong.”
― Audrey Assad
If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this week has been a hard one. My girlfriend has been in Texas since Thursday evening and won’t be back until nearly mid-week, so I am all on my own, a state of being I have never been very good at. Yes, I know being on my own for a week isn’t the worst thing that can happen, but for a couple that spends almost all their free time together and has spent less than 10 nights apart in 13 years of living together, this is really fucking hard, and depressing! Even the dog is sad without her here.
Despite wanting to stay and bed and sleep the week away alone, I made sure to take care of myself. I showered. I got dressed. I cooked. I joined some friends for a Colorado Mammoth lacrosse game downtown, the first I’ve ever been to! And I faced my fear of driving and got myself to and from work, to the grocery store, to my mom’s house (she’s also out-of-town, and I have to feed and care for her cats while she’s gone), and to Barnes and Noble all on my own.
If we were having coffee, I would tell you that facing all that fear and anxiety has taken a real toll on my body. It’s hard enough trying to overcome a phobia but to do it with an autoimmune disease that can be triggered by stress. Still, I am trying to be brave and do it anyway, and even though I have made a ton of mistakes, somewhere deep down, I’m pretty sure I’m proud of myself.
I’m proud of myself for refusing to feel ashamed of my fear anymore. Shame is what stunted my progress more than anything else. I was so busy hiding I couldn’t drive in front of people or ask for help. When I let go of that shame, I found reassurance and compassion and learned I wasn’t alone. I’m proud of myself for learning to talk to people about it. I’m proud of myself for talking to you about it now, and I’m proud of myself for dreaming that there might be a chance I could join the rest of the adult world and become a driver’s license carrying member of society one day! Maybe even by my next birthday?
If we were having coffee, I would tell you that writing has not been going well at all lately. I’m trying, but nothing sounds right. Nothing sounds like me anymore.
I’ve tried prompts. I’ve tried writing by hand. I’ve tried different music and writing at different times of the day. I’ve tried writing on my phone, writing on my iPad, and writing on my laptop. I’ve tried just writing just a few words a day, and I’ve tried writing 1000 words a day. I can get words out on to the page and the screen that isn’t the problem. The problem is I hate everything I put down. Nothing sounds right, and it’s getting worse more than it’s getting better.
I think I’m just trying too hard. I’m not short of ideas, and I’m not having trouble coming up with words, I’m having trouble organizing my thoughts and figuring out what it is I am trying to say and how exactly I want to say it. It’s a problem of articulation.
Or maybe being creative means cycling between influence and production, input and output. If I was doing nothing at all or had lost interest entirely with words, this might be an easier problem to fix. It turns out, I might not have a problem at all but instead, I’m just not in a place where I can write my own words right now, and that isn’t something I can rush or work around. Maybe I’m just in a place where I have to consume the words of others until I have enough inspiration, motivation, and know how to move forward.
Or maybe it’s just that I need to get back in a groove. I need to learn how to have fun with writing again and not be so serious all the time. I need to reconnect with other bloggers and join challenges and exchange ideas again.
Whatever it is, I’m working on it, and I hope to have it resolved as soon as possible. I just miss feeling like I had a space that a was my own to be creative and to be proud of. I want that feeling back.
If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I’ve at least been reading like crazy since I can’t seem to write. Since finishing The Oresteia by Aeschylus I’ve started The Odyssey by Homer, for the third time at least, and On the Genealogy of Morals by Friedrich Nietzsche, for the second time, and today I picked up Annihilation by Jeff Vandermeer. I’m 2 books behind schedule but I’m going to get my ass in gear this week and finish at least two of these, and then I’ll slog through The Odyssey for the rest of March.
I’m trying to read other things too. I’m looking for more poetry like salt. by Nayyirah Waheed. I’m getting back into reading all the newsletters piling up in my inbox, more longform reporting, more personal and opinion pieces, and I’m trying to read blogs again too.
More input. More ideas. More reasons to write.
If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the sun has gone down, and if I hope to sleep well tonight I’d better not refill my cup. There was so much more I wanted to tell you, but I’ve already kept you too late, and with the work week just hours away, I’m sure we both have too much to do to keep on chatting.
I hope you had a good week. I hope you’ve been well. I hope that you were able to cross a few things off of your to-do list and had time to spare to do a thing or two just for you.
Until next time.
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Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli
Photo by Porsche Brosseau