This April was just amazing. Actually, April is always amazing. It’s my birthday month, and I make sure to pamper myself through it every year. My friends and family make sure I feel loved too with gifts, dinners, nights out drinking and dancing, brunches, and plenty of happy birthday wishes. I love all of it. I love everyone wanting to make me happy.
I’m not ashamed of loving my birthday so much, or of loving people loving me on my birthday, it’s an entirely human thing to do, and it does wonders for my mental health and my self-esteem. The only drawback to having an entire birthday month is that it’s terrible for your productivity. I feel behind on everything I hoped to accomplish this month, my A to Z posts, journaling, art, zine work, and other writing projects all moved to the back burner. It was so worth it though.
But now it’s over. I am no longer the center of my little local universe. It’s back to reality, back to work, and back to being my thoughtful, sensitive, and giving self. I’m happy to do it, but first, here is what I am currently:
Writing my Blogging A to Z Challenge posts, still, even though I am hopelessly behind and nowhere close to finishing anytime soon. So strap in, follow or unfollow as your gut tells you because this is going to be the theme for a while, and for a long time after too. I learned a lot this month about what I like to write and how I like to write it. While working on this project I wondered, what if I blogged this way every month? What if every month I wrote 10 or 20 or however many posts under a certain theme until I felt I had said what I needed to say? What if I took my time and just shared the way I am thinking or learning about a certain subject? The wheels in my head are turning, slowly, but surely, some big changes are coming.
Making room for boxes. I’m thinking about something I read from Austin Kleon some months ago, about beginning every project with a box. I went back last week to find the post and found that he got the idea from The Creative Habit by Twyla Tharp, an American dancer, and choreographer. The idea is to create a physical space for your idea or project to exist in, something you can hold and feel connected to. SOmething to remind you what your work is. It also a place to throw together all your inspiration, notes, hopes, and visions for the future. It’s a place to mix and match concepts, to brainstorm, make a mess of your project! I think that is just what I need.
Planning for the summer. Working for a school district doesn’t mean I’m off for the summer, it just means my schedule gets really weird. After working a split shift and doing the same things every day for 20 months, working straight through and having every day be a little different can really sap my focus. School ends in just a few short weeks, and I’m hoping with a little foresight I can keep the momentum I gained in April going through May and beyond.
Anticipating a little quiet before the storm. The end of the year means the end of all that testing and training I’ve been doing lately, but it also means the beginning of a new round of testing and training. There is a short breather in between, but if you blink, you might miss it, so I’m trying hard to keep my eyes open and take advantage of every free minute I have.
Reading The Odyssey, still, and Nietzsche’s On the Genealogy of Morals, still, and honestly I don’t want to talk about how much I am failing to make any progress so instead I’ll say I am currently reading this gorgeous set of Shakespeare plays I got for my birthday. It was probably my favorite gift of all, and I love that the person I love the most in the whole world gave them to me.
Watching Westworld on HBO, though I’ll definitely need to read a few explainers because this season is confusing the crap out of me. I’m also watching The Handmaid’s Tale on Hulu, which is much more intense this season, and, as this article brought to my attention, still fails to address the ways racism and sexism would intersect in a world like Gilead. I saw A Quiet Place and loved every stressful second of it, and I saw my first Hayao Miyazaki film, Spirited Away, which was back in movie theaters for a few days. It was certainly beautiful and really want to watch all of his other films now.
Feeling not so good if I’m honest. Ulcerative colitis is kicking my ass right now. I’m in a lot of pain and spending too much of my time either in bed or in the bathroom, sorry not sorry if that’s too much information, but that’s my life. I’ve jumped through a lot of hoops these past few weeks talking with my doctor, trying to get on a new medication, trying to get financial assistance, and trying to get medical leave at work. It’s been stressful, and stress is only triggering my immune system further and making me sicker. Thankfully it’s all done, and I can rest, for now.
Fearing this new medication, I’ll be starting. Of course, I have been reading too many horror stories and looking too closely at the list of side effects. All the worst case scenarios are in my head, and I have no idea what I will do if any of those nightmares come true. I’m even more afraid of the medication not working, I have no idea what the next step is if it doesn’t.
Reflecting on this episode of The Ezra Klein Show, “Is modern society making us depressed?“, in which Klein interviews Johann Hari, author of Lost Connections: Uncovering the Real Causes of Depression – and the Unexpected Solutions. Of course the discussion on and questioning of the way humans have structured their societies and how that structure might be adversely affecting us is interesting, but even more interesting is the discussion of solutions, or lack of solutions. Maybe we are depressed, dissatisfied, and disconnected is because we have evolved to perpetually feel that way? Maybe the search for a psychological cure is futile?
Needing a more interesting way to show off my work. What I mean is, I am very jealous of artists who can post a sketch or a piece in progress and have it wow people, whereas if a writer shares the first stages of a piece in progress they are just sharing bad writing, you know what I mean? I’ve been thinking about incorporating photography or collage art with work of 100 words or less for Instagram or maybe converting short posts into Twitter threads but I’m not very good at any of that stuff, and I don’t have time! Gah!
Learning hand-lettering! My sister and her family got me the Hand-Lettering for Everyone creative workbook, and with the hand-lettering how-to book my fiance already has, I hope put what I learn to good use in my art journal and those Instagram posts I mentioned. It’ll be a while though, I realized that I acually have horrible handwriting and that while I can read cursive writing, I have just about forgotten how to write it myself.
Loving the way Michelle Wolf killed it at the White House Correspondents dinner this past weekend! That woman showed up and said everything everyone else in that room needed to hear. She was brave, clever, and funny. She was real, and she was right! So many people who should be standing by her and learning from her example have turned on her. People who won’t stand up to Trump and his administration for the lies and insults they sling are denouncing Wolf for the hard truths they were forced to swallow. I hope she stands her ground against the backlash. She has nothing to apologize for, she did what she was hired to do!
Hating the lack of support I am seeing from family and friends for Bill Cosby’s accusers. Justice was served this week, and all I can see is either people still believing the monster is innocent or people believing he shouldn’t have been punished because other men haven’t been punished. The Black community has a weird blind spot for sexual assault and abuse victims. Black men often put their preservation in the face of a corrupt justice system over the victimization of women. As a WOC with my own #MeToo history, it hurts. It hurts to see the success of a Black man come before the pain he has caused so many women. It hurts to see his power upheld when that very power gave him access to this women and license in the eyes of so many to use them this way. It fucking hurts.
Hoping to find more community, more people like me here on the interwebs. Of course, I need to be more available, more open, and more engaging myself, so I suppose I’m hoping to find the courage to do so. People have always been my motivating source, and I think lately I’ve forgotten that. Look for me in the comments of more blogs and sharing on social media more. Forgive me if I am awkward at first, I’ve never been very smooth, or cool. I’ve never been the one people thought was the funniest or the most clever. I just think a lot and sometimes that interests people. It’s what interests me about other people, so maybe it will interest you too.
So yeah, all in all, April was, well, amazing!, but there has been some foreshadowing of stressful times to come, and I’ll admit I’m a little anxious about it. I’m trying to keep in mind the time of year and what part of the cycle I am in and work accordingly. April is about renewal, and May is all about growth. Sometimes growth hurts, but I’ll be stronger for it in the end.
But how about you? Have any new projects you’re working on? Seen see any good movies lately, read any good books? Got any thoughts on Michelle Wolf or Bill Cosby? Be careful in the comments, okay?
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The inspiration for these posts comes from Andrea at Create.Share.Love.