If We Were Having Coffee // I Feel I’m on the Edge Again

Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday, welcome, and thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up. I’m up and moving at a decent time today despite the protest I feel in my bones.

I haven’t been sleeping well and with the new morning jog routine, and some of the errands and housework, not to mention the evenings out with family and friends, my poor body is just exhausted. Too much activity, plus chronic illness, plus weaning off of medication means an unstable mood and a fragile motivation. We’d better chat while I can.

So, pull up a chair and fill up a cup—today we’re trying something new, a little coffee and lemonade concoction I read about called the Laura Palmer, or the Thunderbolt, or, simply, Lemon Brew—let’s talk about last week!

Update: the 1:1 cold brew to lemonade ratio most recipes call for is super nasty. Don’t do that. Instead, mix 1 ounce of simple syrup and 4 ounces strong cold brew or espresso. Then, in a tall glass drop four mint leaves in the bottom, add 4 or 5 ice cubes, pour in the coffee syrup mix, and fill with lemonade. Stir and enjoy!

“I hope one day I’m happy enough to hold my coffee with both hands.”

Glenn Rockowitz

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that we are still playing the waiting game with my health. I’m happy to report that at more than halfway through my last week of steroids I am doing well. My blood work came back looking good, and besides this persistent fatigue, I do feel pretty good, considering.

Mentally I’m not as good. I feel on the edge of depression again. I’ve struggled my whole life with depression—and anxiety—and I’m all too familiar with the signs: moodiness, the blah feeling, the comfort food cravings, the longing for solitude, and the circadian rhythm reversal.  I’m aware of it and fighting it with plenty of fresh air and coffee, but it’s frustrating to feel so powerless against, well, myself.

I’m stressing over my medical bills as well. Anyone who lives in the U.S. and has ever been sick can relate. Our healthcare system sucks. I’m in a program where I am reimbursed for some of my medical costs but while I wait for my claim to be approved and the check to arrive in the mail the bills are stacking up, and my anxiety is rising.

I’m constantly worried that something might go wrong. What if I filled out a form wrong? What if I misunderstood the terms? What if they don’t pay for the medication? How we will live under such a financial burden?

It shouldn’t be this way.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that we are finally working on fixing up this old crappy house of ours.

I’ve never really liked our house. It’s not a bad house, and it’s certainly not in the worst location, but there is a lot of work that needs to be done, and I never feel like I have the time, the know-how, or the energy to do it, but we’re trying. We’re starting small and working our way up to the more difficult, more time-consuming, and more expensive projects.

We’ve replaced a few light switches and did a small plumbing project. This morning we put in a new light fixture, and this week we’ll replace some screens and fix the light above the garage. We have a whole list of little things to do and a few big things we can break into smaller steps. We’ve agreed to check off two things from the list every week, and you know what? I don’t feel so overwhelmed anymore. I actually feel kind of excited.

It feels good to learn something new, and put my problem-solving skills to work when something goes wrong. It feels good to accomplish something and to make your home your own.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that my best day by far was spent at a small pop up carnival that opens every summer near us. I’d never gone before thinking it’d be boring but my mom, my youngest sister, and my nephew were heading there and wanted to know if I felt up to tagging along.

The place was pretty small, and there weren’t a whole lot of people there. The rides didn’t look terribly exciting at first, but I found myself shocked more than once after getting on one and realizing halfway through that the tame-looking ride was rather wild and terrifying. By the end of the trip my legs were shaking, and I was incredibly nauseous. In other words, I had a fantastic time!

I want to go back soon, this time with all my friends, the rest of my siblings and my girlfriend to experience this rinky-dink little carnival with me all over again.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I don’t even know where to begin with what’s been going on in the news lately. I’ve been watching, paying close attention and feeling heartbroken, confused, and furious right along with you but for some reason, I haven’t been able to write about it.

It’s all so disturbing, disquieting, and disgraceful I cannot find a place to begin. Before I can wrap my head around some new atrocity or outrage, another one is in the headline right behind it, and I’m at another loss for words.

In just the past week, with the supreme court decisions, the upcoming supreme court vacancy, the mass shooting in Annapolis, the separation of families at the border, and the ever-present threat of nuclear war have made it hard to want to stay engaged and informed. I don’t know about you, but all I want to do is bury my head in the sand and pretend everything is okay. I know I can’t, but I’m tired. I’m discouraged and despondent. I’m disappointed beyond words in humanity.

And I’m scared. For someone like me, a queer woman of color, and others like me, it feels like we’re at the mercy of the majority and the majority doesn’t care a whole lot whether we are happy—or even alive.

This country is increasingly devoid of compassion and inclusively and for those of us who are different and who want a different world where everyone feels valid, equal, and safe we can see the tide changing. We can feel the hate from the other side, and we are afraid, but we are also strong.

We’ll fight this like we always have.

What else can we do?

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that my stomach has begun to grumble and that means lunchtime has snuck up on me. The day is half over, and I still have so much to do. The laundry is piled high, and dirty dishes are spread far and wide throughout the house. I’d better get a move on if I don’t want to be cleaning until bedtime.

I hope you had a good week. I hope you are still hopeful and that you are taking care of yourself. Please, if you have a minute, drop a note in the comments, so I know you are okay.

Until next time.

***

Thanks for reading! If you like this post check out my weekly-ish newsletter for inspiring reads + existential musings on life, love, and inevitable human suffering. Or help support what I do by sharing a virtual cup of coffee.

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli

Photo by Lex Sirikiat on Unsplash

 

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Lisa

Hello! I'm an aspiring writer fascinated by the human condition. I blog at zenandpi.com but you can also find me on Twitter, Tumblr, and Instagram. Consider signing up for my newsletter or supporting what I do by sharing a cup of virtual coffee. Thanks :)

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