If We Were Having Coffee // Mini Vacations and Pattern Recognition

Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday, welcome, and thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

I’ll be honest, I’m not in the best mood today. The suffocating summer heat has returned and so has the wildfire smoke blowing in from as far as California. I’ve got a strong batch of cold brew to help with the heat but my runny nose and itching eyes and throat are making me miserable. I’m hoping that some good company and conversation to pick me up though because it’d be a real shame to waste the last of the weekend this way.

So, pull up a chair and fill up a cup. Let’s talk about last week!

“and we drink our
coffee and pretend
not to look at
each other.”

— Charles Bukowski, Luck

***

If we were having coffee I would tell you that last week was my first week back to working my normal, non-summer schedule and even though I struggled with it—getting up on time, arriving to work on time, and staying awake through what has been my nap time all summer—I actually loved it. I’d forgotten how good it felt to wake up and have to be somewhere, to have things I have to and people who expect me to show up.

It’s weird but I’m just one of those people who thrives under strict schedules, clear expectations, and hard boundaries. I like to know what is coming up. I like to plan ahead and prepare emotionally for the day, the week, even the month ahead. It’s an anxiety thing I’m sure. A lot of my friends think it sounds boring, but to me, it sounds safe and efficient. I can have fun and do wild and crazy things. I can surprise myself and learn something new all the time, I just like to plan for it, that’s all.

I got to meet the new kids coming on to my route since 9th graders have a special orientation day before the official start of school. They seem awesome and I’m confident we’re going to have a fun year. I was sad to learn that one of my favorite kids from last year moved back to his home state and won’t be riding with us after all. He will definitely be missed.

Tomorrow all the kids I had last year are going to see me again for the first time since May. I can’t wait to hear all about their vacations and see just how much they have grown over the summer. That may be my favorite part of my job, watching kids grow up into young adults. It’s why I bid middle and high school routes exclusively year after year. The rapid changes these kids go through is so mysterious and fascinating to watch and I feel privileged to be a part of it, no matter how small.

***

If we were having coffee I would tell you that the weekend was a relaxing one. Friday night we stayed in but made the night special by grabbing a pack of hard cider and picking up some hot wings for dinner. We watched Extinction on Netflix, a sci-fi alien invasion flick that wasn’t really worth the time I took to watch it.

Yesterday we went had lunch at our favorite sushi place and ended up getting marvelously daytime tipsy after a couple of ginger beer, lemonade, and grapefruit vodka concoctions. Afterward, we walked to the Alamo Drafthouse across the street to see the new Spike Lee joint, Blackkklansman. Now that is a movie worth every minute of viewing time and every penny paid to see. I highly recommend it and make sure you have some tissues with you. The entire theater was in tears by the end.

***

If we were having coffee I would tell you that Saturday was such a good day, and so was that the Saturday before. They were so good that I’ve decided to do my best going forward to spend every Saturday doing something new, fun, or interesting.

It’s like going on a tiny vacation. You unplug, get out of the house and away from your day-to-day grind to get a new perspective. Doing this, even for a few hours a week has profound effects on your mental health and productivity. It’s even had a profound effect on my relationship.

These past few weeks my girlfriend and I have had to deal with work bleeding over into what was once time we set aside of one another. We haven’t been able to eat dinner together, go to bed together, or talk much during the day, but these past couples of Saturdays have given us a chance to catch up and reconnect away from those responsibilities and worries.

This coming Saturday we’ll actually be celebrating our 16th anniversary. It’s a big day but we’ll keep the festivities low-key, just a nice dinner at our favorite out-of-the-way seafood place. We’ve never been big on gifts but I did get her (us) something small, a beautiful copy of the Scott Pilgrim vs. the World soundtrack pressed on beautiful red vinyl.

***

If we were having coffee I would tell you that I’m going to try something new this week. Last Friday I listened to an episode of the Sketchnote Army Podcast featuring a thought-provoking interview with my favorite creative, Austen Kleon. In it, Kleon outlined a compelling writing strategy he’s been utilizing.

Basically, he carries around a pocket notebook and uses it religiously. The pocket notebook is for fragments, thoughts, aha moments, and quick notes and logging. Later, the fragments and bits are expanded into journal entries, blog posts, essays, pitches, poems, and then as they pile up, a year or two out, maybe later, maybe sooner, you start to see a pattern.

That pattern is how your mind works and contains the things you think about and the areas of life in which you have opinions about the way things are or the way they should be. You find out what you are trying to tell the world. You find your big idea.

***

If we were having coffee I would tell you that I guess I’d heard about this way of writing before and just never put much stock in it but the way Kleon explained it made me think it might make sense for me. I already take notes on everything I hear, see, say, and think, but those notes are wildly disorganized, lacking context, and easily lost. If I manage to hold on to them they are usually indecipherable by the time I decide to sit down to articulate and share what I had in my mind only hours before.

So this week my goal is to write more of these fragments and to commit to organizing them and expanding them in my journal or here on the blog every evening. My hope is that a new system will lead to a higher quantity and quality of work not just here but in others areas of my creative life.

***

If we were having coffee I would tell you that the rising temperatures in the house have me ready for a cold shower and a nap, so, I have to cut the conversation short.

I hope you had a productive week. I hope you learned something, made some small progress, or at least made it through with minimal stress and little to no tears. I hope your weekend was relaxing. I hope you were able to make time for you and if you weren’t I hope you know there is still time.

Until next time.

***

Thanks for reading! If you like this post check out my weekly-ish newsletter for inspiring reads + existential musings on life, love, and inevitable human suffering. Or help support what I do by sharing a virtual cup of coffee.

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli

Photo by Hussain Ibrahim on Unsplash

Advertisements

218//365 — The Last Day of My Summer

It’s the last day of my “summer”. Tomorrow I go in for my mandatory six hours of training for the year—referred to as our “in-service” day—where we are reminded of all the rules and management attempts to make us care more about what they want than what we want. It’s a chance for us to ease back into the workplace.

After tomorrow, everyone will come back and begin practicing their routes for the new school year. Over the next week, we’ll call the parents of our students, confirm pick up times, and birthdays, known allergies, and best disciplinary strategies. The 6th graders and the 9th graders will have orientations and new drivers and assistants will work through their fears.

It’s strange to live this yearly routine into adulthood, but I can’t imagine life any other way now. I get to have a second season of beginnings, a new start, a new year, the same as we get in January, and next year I’ll get another season of freedom too.

I’m already looking forward to it.

***

I’m trying something new here. In addition to my regular posts, I’m adding these short, daily-ish journal entries inspired by Thord D. Hedengren.

If you like this post check out my weekly-ish newsletter for inspiring reads + existential musings on life, love, and inevitable human suffering. Or help support what I do by sharing a virtual cup of coffee.

Thank you for reading, and please, let me know what you think!

217//365 — Sunday Night Battle

Sunday nights are always a battle between the need for just a little more time to relax and the increasing worry over Monday’s obligations and responsibilities. Personally, I like to alternate between the two in half hour blocks.

I get half an hour of writing in and then do a half hour of frantically cleaning and writing out my to-do list. I get half an hour of scrolling Instagram and a half hour of answering work emails. Then there is half an hour of TV and cuddling with my fiancé on the couch, before half an hour of counting down the days, hours, minutes until it’s the weekend again. I get half an hour of bliss and half an hour of self-loathing. Back and forth, back and forth, a bit of freedom and then letting myself feel out the yoke again.

Happy Monday eve.

***

I’m doing something new here. In addition to my regular blog posts, I’m adding these daily-ish journal entries. I was inspired to try this by Thord D. Hedengren.

Oh, and, as always, thank you for reading. If you like this post check out my weekly-ish newsletter for inspiring reads + existential musings on life, love, and inevitable human suffering. Or help support what I do by sharing a virtual cup of coffee.

If We Were Having Coffee // People Exhaust Me

Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday, welcome, and thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up. I apologize for the lateness of today’s post, and for the absence of last week’s.

My sister and her kids were in town and I didn’t want to do anything but spend time with them. And then, when it came for them to leave, I was too sad to write. I didn’t know how to get back into it and I didn’t know what to say when I tried. Slowly but surely I’m returning to the version of myself I am without them here and finding the will to write again, starting today.

So, pull up a chair and fill up a cup, we have a fresh batch of blond roast cold brew, or, as I recently saw it referred to, “anxiety gasoline“. Let’s talk about last week!

“I never laugh until I’ve had my coffee.”

— Clark Gable

***

If we were having coffee I would tell you that the world has been overwhelming lately. I have been cowering inside my little bubble more and more and this week managed to reach levels of introversion that I have never experienced before.

Around midweek the old “nausea and the urge to run away just before I turned into my workplace parking lot” feeling returned and by Friday, I was struggling to leave the car and walk in. I remember at one point turning to my girlfriend, sighing, and saying to her, “People exhaust me, even the people I like, they just wear me out” before shutting the car door and walking in.

My headphones have been a life saver, allowing me to pop in and out of the world as I want to or am able. The pets have helped too.

The cat comes and goes from around me as she wants, and the dog is available to bring me out of myself, making me feel loved and appreciated in a way that humans can’t. Of course, my main source of support is my fiance, but this time of year is her most stressful and she needs more from me than she can give back, and that’s okay. My problems aren’t always the most pressing and I, like almost everyone, need to be reminded every once in a while to pull my head out of my own ass, put my own sufferings aside, and be a source of support and empathy rather than continually seeking it.

***

If we were having coffee I would tell you that not all is so bleak as it sounds. Work has been a bit tense sure, but my team and I are killing it! We’ve tackled every task thrown our way with no complaints or drama between us. See, my main job is riding on school buses with special needs kids, keeping the kids happy and safe, but that is only part of what I do. The other part is teaching new employees how to do it too and keeping our existing staff trained and knowledgeable.

This time of year is very busy for us too. We want to make sure everyone has the knowledge they need to start the school year on the right foot and we have new people starting too. We also have to get ready for our own routes and get used to coming in early and going home much later again. Still, my team and I, we’re doing our best to be our best and we can only get it done by showing up, with positivity and determination. I’m grateful for at least that.

Even if I can’t always love what I do, I can show up and find, even on the worst days, an encouraging environment and the motivation to do my job well.

***

If we were having coffee I would tell you that, as far as writing goes, things went as they usually do. I wrote plenty and posted almost nothing, and as usual, I hope things go a little bit better in the coming week.

I want to get back to posting my “journal” posts and finish up a couple of found poems I started the week before last. The trick will be finding the energy to work in the evening. I will be too busy during my usual “writing hours”, 9:30 to 11:00 AM or so. I don’t expect to produce very much but anything at all would be better than none and that is all I am asking of myself before Friday.

I didn’t get my newsletter out as I had hoped to but I’m hoping it will be ready next weekend. I may send it earlier if it’s done. I think opening up the schedule and allowing for dispatches whenever I can get them out might help me send them more often.

***

If we were having coffee I would tell you that despite all the stress and depression around me, I actually had a really good weekend. Friday night we went out to find a place where we might get a few good oysters and a nice bottle of wine. We found the place and proceeded to shack off the stress of the week and enjoy the first date night we’ve had in weeks. Afterward, we walked over to Whole Foods for a few sweetie treats and then back home to pick a romantic movie to fall asleep to.

Yesterday we checked out the Museum of Contemporary Art during their “$0.01 admission fee for local residence” event. Walking around art galleries has always been one of those activities that I want to do, but feel like I don’t know how to do right. What I mean is, I like looking at art, but I’m not very good at analyzing art. I’m better at finding the beauty, less at meaning, but for one cent! I couldn’t pass up the opportunity.

I’d never been to the MCA. I’ve been to the Denver Art Museum plenty of times, but this was something very different and I quite enjoyed it. Plus I learned about new programs and found out about the “Octopus Initiative“, a chance for Denverites to borrow artwork the way you might borrow a book from the library. I signed up immediately and can’t wait to find out if I’ve been picked to take home a piece, to hang and enjoy for a while, before replacing it with another.

***

If we were having coffee I would tell you that I spent a lot of my time bingeing the newest season of Orange is the New Black on Netflix. It was…okay. I like that the show brings to light much of the injustice found in the American judicial and prison system, but it’s hard to immerse yourself in that feeling and awareness when you have Piper, the shows main character, walking around being idiotic and completely ridiculous with little or no consequence.

I’m still watching Anthony Bourdain’s Parts Unknown too, but I’m not rushing it. I like watching one or three episodes and then letting them sit with me for up to a week before diving in for a few more.

I also watched the first episode of the new HBO show, Random Acts of Flyness. I don’t know how to describe to you what this show is about. HBO has said it’s a “fluid, stream-of-consciousness response to the contemporary American mediascape.” It’s surreal, dark, and overwhelming which makes it hard to decide at first whether you like it or not, but eventually, you get it. Think of it as a kaleidoscope of black experience but from the inside looking out rather than the outside in. It’s a must watch for sure!

***

If we were having coffee I would tell you that it’s getting on toward dinner time, which means it’s time for me to panic over everything I haven’t accomplished yet. It’s time to rush around to get the laundry done, the dishwasher loaded, and emotionally prepare for the coming work week which is somehow already impossibly packed with assignments to complete.

I hope you had a good week. I hope you were productive. I hope you found a way to stay cool and to take care of yourself. I hope you were able to relax this weekend and that your coming week will be better than the last in whatever way you need it to be.

Until next time.

***

Thanks for reading! If you like this post check out my weekly-ish newsletter for inspiring reads + existential musings on life, love, and inevitable human suffering. Or help support what I do by sharing a virtual cup of coffee.

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli

Photo by Alex Loup on Unsplash

Currently // July 2018: Good Food and Laughter to Last

June was a lazy month, laid-back and languid, allowing me time to soak up the first half of the summer at my leisure, but July was very different. July was in a hurry and gave way much faster. More than once I woke up feeling like days had passed while I slept and worried over how the numbers on the calendar had advanced so far without my notice. I simply couldn’t keep up and about halfway through, I gave up trying.

And, now July is over and August is on the way. I’m not really going into the new month with clear goals or any big projects. I plan to just keep doing what I have been doing for these past few weeks, quite work, away from the internet and prying eyes. I want to focus on what is boring about writing, the hard part, the part that is the actual writing. I’m learning to be okay with staying off social media and to love the process. I’m finding my imagination and I’m eager to spend more time with my own thoughts.

But first, here is what I am currently:

Writing blog posts mostly. I’d like to get back to posting regularly again. I’ll be returning to my old work schedule next week and that means I’ll be able to return to my old writing schedule too. I’ve never been able to write well or consistently outside of the structure of my day job and I’m really starting to doubt I ever will. Maybe I’ll be one of those writer’s that is always something else too. Maybe I’m okay with that. I’m also working on bringing back my newsletter, which was on a weird unintentional hiatus while I figured out what the hell I was doing with it.

Making more found poetry for Instagram. I’m not making them for any reason other than it feels good to find new ways of looking at and using words. The restriction on what words I can use and in what ways I might use them makes me feel, paradoxically, more creative.

Planning my wedding. For my new followers, this year will mark 16 years that my girlfriend and I have been together, but we’ve yet to tie the knot. In our defense, for many of those years, it was illegal for us to marry. Since then the problem has been the confusing gap between the wedding society tells us we ought to have, and the wedding that is right for us. We want to focus more on good food, fun, and natural surroundings but there are so many expectations and outside influences putting on the pressure. It makes it hard to decide what we want.

Anticipating the beginning of the school year. Turns out I was able to get the same schedule and kids I had last year and I can’t wait to see the look their faces when they see me. My job can be frustrating, and the kids can, at times, be tiring but there are days that remind me why I love it here, why I have stayed so long, and why despite the promise of more money and fewer hours spent away from home, I will stay. What I do is important and fulfilling, if I allow it to be.

Reading The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorn, still. To be honest I didn’t read much at all during last month. If I wasn’t sleeping I was writing, or watching movies, or visiting with family, or sleeping some more. I took a break from my life, from the pressure of self-improvement and wisdom and learning and found family and sunshine and laughter instead. I don’t regret a thing, but I know it’s time to pick up the task again. So, I’ll finish The Scarlett Letter, and move on to The Iliad, and Emily Dickinson, and Hunger by Roxanne Gay too before September.

Watching Anthony Bourdain’s Part Unknown on Netflix. I’m not sure how long it will be there but I am hoping to watch all eight seasons before they take it off. I have seen some of the early seasons but grew lazy about keeping up with the show some years ago. After the news of Bourdain’s passing last month, I knew I had to finish it. The show was always about more than just good food. Like language, and sex, and politics, the way we eat says a lot about who we are as a species and Bourdain knew how to say that, without saying it. He knew that sometimes the best way to tell a story is to get out-of-the-way and let people tell their own story. He let people deliver their culture, unfiltered, an adulterated, and raw right to the viewer.

As for movies, Sorry to Bother You was amazing, if you haven’t heard already. It’s vibrant, funny, unpredictable, thought-provoking, and…You know what, just go see it already, no excuses! I also recommend Good Time, a heart-wrenching, high-paced crime film with some resemblance to the novel Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck.

Feeling tired. I can’t seem to go a whole day anymore without a nap or three or four cups of coffee. I feel zombified. I’m out of it, dragging my feet and devouring anything that promises to put some pep in my step, but nothing works. I see other people living easily on 6 hours of sleep, no caffeine, and no time for naps and they seem to be functioning fine. Why do I need so much rest? I know why but it still doesn’t make sense. Chronic illness is the culprit. I guess I just keep thinking it will get better, or that I will find some way to get used to being so tired. I keep thinking I’ll find a way to work and live despite it.

Fearing failure in the eyes of the ones whose opinions I cherish the most. Life is chugging along just as it should so my anxieties are turned inward and hyper-focused on my everyday limitations and weaknesses. My self-esteem has been unusually low. Most days I can fight it. Most days I can find a way to forgive and to love myself but lately, it’s been hard. Lately, I am always the problem. I am the burden. I am the only one who can’t. I am stupid. I am weak. I am angry with myself for not being as smart, as strong, or as put together as those around me and for the life of me I cannot figure out how I will ever get better, be better.

Reflecting on death, or, more specifically reflecting on the lack of reflection on death by everyone else and my own obsession with the inevitable end of life. Recently my mother’s father passed away—No need for condolences. He never considered me his grandchild and the feeling was mutual.—and I found it interesting to get to know the man after he was gone. In addition, I’ve been working on dealing with my death anxiety and found help in surprising places. I’ve learned that sometimes when we are afraid, instead of being told to be brave or to stop thinking about it, we only need to be told that we aren’t alone and that our fear is entirely warranted.

Needing a side hustle! Sure, hobbies are all fun and games, but they don’t offer much of a sense of accomplishment. Big dreams are great but they are so far away. I’m not just looking for a little extra cash here. I need to be validated. I need to brag a little, to be proud and I want others to be proud of me too. I’ll admit, I want to be admired, talked about, looked up to. I want a little power and fame, but just a little. The problem is, I’m not good at anything and I don’t have any good ideas. I don’t know how to code an app and I’m far too boring to be an influencer. I’m bad at art and worse at poetry. I just want to have something that is my own.

Learning how to use my voice. I’m learning to speak up and ask for what I need. I’m learning to express my emotions, to say no, to say yes!, and to say nothing at all if I don’t want to too. I’ve never been very good at saying things. Nothing ever comes out sounding the way I thought it in my head. I’m naturally soft-spoken, easily shaken and quick to shut up at the slightest difficulty in getting my point across. I’m afraid to be accused of meaning something I don’t. I’m afraid of never being understood. There are just too many variables at play! Volume, tone, pace, cadence, inflection, all of these change the way a statement is understood and I’ve never quite understood how to use them, and it shows, but I’m learning.

Loving that my sister and her kids got to be here for a whole week this month. I love that we got to do so much and that there was enough good food and laughter to last us another year until we can all be together again. I love that despite not being the most affectionate family, we know we are loved and that we are wanted. I love having a place. I love that all of us no matter our personality differences, our past traumas, the decisions we’ve made, or the different directions we’ve taken in life, we can come together, fight, and forgive, again and again with love. It’s a beautiful thing to be so known and still forgiven continually for your shortcomings and outbursts. I love how human I get to be when they are around.

Hating the state of the United States. I’m honestly disgusted and disappointed in the entire country as a whole right now, all of it. Every day I turn on the news and nothing I hear or see gives me any hope whatsoever. My heart can’t handle the constant shock. It can’t handle the widespread suffering and fear. I hate all this hating and I’ve all but given up on us all. Most of all, I’m simply sick and tired of being disgusted and disappointed with myself for not knowing what to do about any of it. I’m a part of the problem the same as anyone and I hate, hate, hate it.

Hoping that the recent string of videos exposing white people who call the cops on POC for minor infractions and irritations will change the way we think about our neighborhoods and public spaces. The videos highlight rampant and ingrained racism they’ve also brought to light how much ownership we believe we have over spaces that should belong to everyone, collectively. When you feel like your neighborhood belongs to you personally, you think you can make the rules about who is allowed to be there and what they are allowed to do in that space. But if the neighborhood belongs to us then we make the rules. Our public spaces are no longer public and we have lost something by taking such personal ownership of them. Let’s rethink that one.

All in all, July was a good month. It wasn’t as productive as I’d hoped, and it went by much faster than I’d have liked, but it was good. I feel like I am going into the next month feeling secure in this political climate, this economy, that is rare.

I’m grateful not to be surrounded by chaos and stress. I’m grateful I don’t have to worry about my job, my bills, or my next meal. I figure that makes me among the richest and happiest in the world. My life isn’t perfect and I have some things to work on for sure, but I’ll take it. I’ll run with it.

But, what about you? How did July treat you? Are you tired of the heat? Is your state on fire too? Did you take any time for you? What movies did you see? How has the government let you down?

Let me know in the comments!

“We are now in August.
The first day of fall is September 22.
You can hear it in the distance.”

Michael Wade

***

Thanks for reading! If you like this post check out my weekly-ish newsletter for inspiring reads + existential musings on life, love, and inevitable human suffering. Or help support what I do by sharing a virtual cup of coffee.

The inspiration for these posts comes from Andrea at Create.Share.Love.

Photo by luke flynt on Unsplash

If We Were Having Coffee // I Used to Love Summer

Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday, welcome, and thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up. I’m moving slow today but I’m trying, my mood isn’t great though. I woke up later than I meant to and there are more things to do than there are hours to do them in.

I attempted to make breakfast but the eggs were too runny and the bacon too burnt. I fried some tortillas but they came out too hard and the avocados had gone bad. Nothing is going right but then again, I haven’t had near my usual amount of caffeine, so there is still hope.

So pull up a chair and fill up a cup. We’ve got new screens on the windows and a fresh batch of cold brew to combat the oncoming heat. Let’s talk about last week.

tumblr_osll1uv37e1tcqhjho1_1280
Albany Ledger, Missouri, September 9, 1898

 

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell that this past week wasn’t a very good one. I struggled to get to up and get to work every single day and didn’t once make it in on time. I wasn’t able to get up for my morning jog at all and writing was slow. I was easily distracted and exhausted.

Nearly every day as soon as I came home I fell asleep without intending to. I would feel an intense need to just sit down or rest for a moment and next thing I knew I’d be waking up anywhere from half an hour to two hours later. A lot of time was lost to fatigue and heat exhaustion.

And the heat! Oh my god, I used to love summer but this one has been absolutely suffocating. I miss the days where, sure, you had to suffer through a couple of hours in the afternoon but then you could head downtown, or to a friends backyard, and enjoy a good meal and a beer or two. Now the 90+ degree temperatures are holding well past 8 and 9:00 at night. There has been quite a few nights that I have gone to bed at almost 11:00 and it is still uncomfortably hot out.

It’s too hot to do anything and that is the only thing that set summer above winter. The amusement parks, the festivals, the events and gatherings, the warm nights out with friends and strangers alike just enjoying our state, our shared interests, and shaking off the stress of the day, that is what I loved about this season. Now we’re miserable outside as well as inside.

I’m ready for fall, and I have never in my life said that before. I’m afraid for the real heat that will come in August and I’m terrified of future summers. Our little swamp cooler used to be enough to get is through the worst of it but well be saving up to get central air—which is much worse for the environment—just so that I can live and sleep comfortably.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I have been a huge ball of anxiety lately. I mentioned last week that it’s time for our annual bidding for routes and hours at work.

For my new readers I work on a school bus, not as a driver, but as an assistant who rides along with the kids, primarily the Special Needs kids, to make sure they have a safe and happy ride. Where I work we bid our routes based on seniority and the drivers bid the routes first. There is one particular driver I prefer to work with so I stress doubly every summer over whether or not she will get the route we want first, and then whether or not I will get the route the following week when I bid.

Last week I was able to relax a little after my driver was awarded the route we wanted. Now I only have to stress for five more days until I find out if I got the same this Friday. I’m not supposed to let myself worry too much about anything but this time of year makes it really hard to stay calm.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I made a few mistakes at work and I feel super embarrassed and down about it. Friday, during the driver’s bid, I was tasked with setting up training and testing times for individual driver’s who needed it. From the start, I misunderstood which drivers I was supposed to focus on and I missed some who needed to be scheduled. Then I scheduled them all a week earlier than I was supposed to, messing up not just my coworkers coming work week, but my own in which I planned not to work very much at all.

I’m sure it will all be okay, but I’m not used to making mistakes at work. I pride myself on being perfect and enjoy the respect and freedom I’m afforded because I make such an effort. My boss has already told me it’s okay, but I can’t shake the feeling of failure and disappointment.

This coming week will be a busy one, at first, but I’m actually looking forward to it. I haven’t been busy all summer and I’ve missed the structure of a proper work day.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that there is more to my life than work. This week my little sister and her kids will be here in Denver for seven days. I can’t even begin to express how excited I am to see them and how sad I already am that they will have to leave again at all.

I’m not sure we have any real plans while they’re here but we are hoping the siblings—my two sisters, y brother, and me—can find tattoo shop to accommodate all four of us getting some ink on the same day. The tattoos are, I hope, turning into an annual tradition. Last year was our first with matching sibling tattoos. This year we are all getting something different though.

I’m hoping to get my knees done. I’m looking to get a butterfly, specifically the Colorado hairstreak butterfly, on one knee, and on the other, a moth, the achemon sphinx moth actually. I’d like both done in that traditional, old school tattoo style. It’s a unique tribute to my home state, with the hairstreak being our official state insect and the achemon found throughout the region.

I excited, but a little scared too. The knee area can be sensitive and tattoos in general hurt anyway. Wish me luck!

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that my stomach has started to growl reminding me that the afternoon is here and it’s time, not just for lunch, but to complete a few chores and get ready to run some errands and visit with family.

I hope you had a good week and that you’ve had a relaxing weekend. If it wasn’t I hope the next will be better. Try to stay cool and make sure to make time for the things you enjoy, the things you want to accomplish, and the things that make life worth living.

Until next time.

***

Thanks for reading! If you like this post check out my weekly-ish newsletter for inspiring reads + existential musings on life, love, and inevitable human suffering. Or help support what I do by sharing a virtual cup of coffee.

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

200//365 — Introverted

I used to think I was an extrovert type because I love people so much, but I didn’t understand what extroversion and introversion meant. I thought it was just a fancy way of saying you were more confident or shy.

I love people. No matter what I have ever said in the past out of frustration or disappointment, I truly do love people. I love the way people inspire me. I love who I am when I am with people. I love watching the way people socialize among themselves. People, for better or worse, are the most exciting beings in this universe, and the only life forms who know what it’s like to be a human, alive, and aware like me.

But there is something that happens when humans get together. We use each other up. We don’t mean to, but we can’t help it. We swap out what is inside of us for what is inside of others, trading emotions, and ideas. We give away what we want to get rid of and take what we wish we had. Some people are energized by this. Others, like me, are drained.

People wear down my defenses. They get in under my skin and into my head. Their emotions get mixed up with my emotions, and their actions pull me along to places I’m never sure I want to go. After a while begin to panic. I feel I have to get away or else I’ll be lost. I feel convinced they’ll take everything in me and—knowing from past experience—that what they give back I won’t have the first clue what to do with.

I want to be alone to find myself again.

Still, I love them, and I keep going back.

Sigh.

***

I’m doing something new here. In addition to my regular blog post, I’m adding these journal entries. The goal is to post one every day hence the title of each will be the current day number out of 365. I was inspired to try this by Thord D. Hedengren.

Oh, and, as always, thank you for reading. If you like this post check out my weekly-ish newsletter for inspiring reads + existential musings on life, love, and inevitable human suffering. Or help support what I do by sharing a virtual cup of coffee.