233 // Help Them Help You

Today was infusion day, again. This was the fourth infusion I’ve had of Inflectra for my ulcerative colitis and the good news is it went well. Another milestone reached, another step toward what might be remission, or what might be failure. Day by day, or more accurately, bi-monthly by bi-monthly, infusion by infusion, that is how I am taking things.

I also had an appointment to see my GI doctor and I was thoroughly lectured about how often I contact her, which apparently isn’t nearly enough. I wasn’t helping her to help me. I told her I just felt bad bothering her. I know she has a lot of patients. I know she’s busy and I figure I’m probably fine or that whatever is happening will pass. I’m always wrong.

She said that it’s true, she is very busy, and it was for precisely that reason that I needed to bother her more. She explained she may have 5,000 emails to get through and that if my labs came back good, she may tell me everything was great and move on because she is trying to get to everyone. She said it was up to me to stop her and tell her right away if I was feeling cruddy. It was up to me to say there was more to the story than the numbers.

That really hit me.

When someone is busy, it doesn’t mean they don’t want to know things, or that they want you to suffer in silence. They want you to help them do their jobs well and be better people by speaking up. They may need to be reminded to stop focusing on the details and the numbers and look at the whole picture, the human picture.

They don’t just need your help to help you, they want your help. Help them help you!

***

I’m trying something new here. In addition to my regular posts, I’m adding these short, daily-ish journal entries inspired by Thord D. Hedengren.

If you like this post check out my weekly-ish newsletter for inspiring reads + existential musings on life, love, and inevitable human suffering. Or help support what I do by sharing a virtual cup of coffee.

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218//365 — The Last Day of My Summer

It’s the last day of my “summer”. Tomorrow I go in for my mandatory six hours of training for the year—referred to as our “in-service” day—where we are reminded of all the rules and management attempts to make us care more about what they want than what we want. It’s a chance for us to ease back into the workplace.

After tomorrow, everyone will come back and begin practicing their routes for the new school year. Over the next week, we’ll call the parents of our students, confirm pick up times, and birthdays, known allergies, and best disciplinary strategies. The 6th graders and the 9th graders will have orientations and new drivers and assistants will work through their fears.

It’s strange to live this yearly routine into adulthood, but I can’t imagine life any other way now. I get to have a second season of beginnings, a new start, a new year, the same as we get in January, and next year I’ll get another season of freedom too.

I’m already looking forward to it.

***

I’m trying something new here. In addition to my regular posts, I’m adding these short, daily-ish journal entries inspired by Thord D. Hedengren.

If you like this post check out my weekly-ish newsletter for inspiring reads + existential musings on life, love, and inevitable human suffering. Or help support what I do by sharing a virtual cup of coffee.

Thank you for reading, and please, let me know what you think!

217//365 — Sunday Night Battle

Sunday nights are always a battle between the need for just a little more time to relax and the increasing worry over Monday’s obligations and responsibilities. Personally, I like to alternate between the two in half hour blocks.

I get half an hour of writing in and then do a half hour of frantically cleaning and writing out my to-do list. I get half an hour of scrolling Instagram and a half hour of answering work emails. Then there is half an hour of TV and cuddling with my fiancé on the couch, before half an hour of counting down the days, hours, minutes until it’s the weekend again. I get half an hour of bliss and half an hour of self-loathing. Back and forth, back and forth, a bit of freedom and then letting myself feel out the yoke again.

Happy Monday eve.

***

I’m doing something new here. In addition to my regular blog posts, I’m adding these daily-ish journal entries. I was inspired to try this by Thord D. Hedengren.

Oh, and, as always, thank you for reading. If you like this post check out my weekly-ish newsletter for inspiring reads + existential musings on life, love, and inevitable human suffering. Or help support what I do by sharing a virtual cup of coffee.

200//365 — Introverted

I used to think I was an extrovert type because I love people so much, but I didn’t understand what extroversion and introversion meant. I thought it was just a fancy way of saying you were more confident or shy.

I love people. No matter what I have ever said in the past out of frustration or disappointment, I truly do love people. I love the way people inspire me. I love who I am when I am with people. I love watching the way people socialize among themselves. People, for better or worse, are the most exciting beings in this universe, and the only life forms who know what it’s like to be a human, alive, and aware like me.

But there is something that happens when humans get together. We use each other up. We don’t mean to, but we can’t help it. We swap out what is inside of us for what is inside of others, trading emotions, and ideas. We give away what we want to get rid of and take what we wish we had. Some people are energized by this. Others, like me, are drained.

People wear down my defenses. They get in under my skin and into my head. Their emotions get mixed up with my emotions, and their actions pull me along to places I’m never sure I want to go. After a while begin to panic. I feel I have to get away or else I’ll be lost. I feel convinced they’ll take everything in me and—knowing from past experience—that what they give back I won’t have the first clue what to do with.

I want to be alone to find myself again.

Still, I love them, and I keep going back.

Sigh.

***

I’m doing something new here. In addition to my regular blog post, I’m adding these journal entries. The goal is to post one every day hence the title of each will be the current day number out of 365. I was inspired to try this by Thord D. Hedengren.

Oh, and, as always, thank you for reading. If you like this post check out my weekly-ish newsletter for inspiring reads + existential musings on life, love, and inevitable human suffering. Or help support what I do by sharing a virtual cup of coffee.

198//365 — Home is Where Growth Happens

It’s nice to have friends who think on the same wavelengths we do. That is what friends are for after all. They’re versions of ourselves that we enjoy being around before going home to what you really need, to be with someone very different from us.

Because that is where the real growth happens, not with people who think like you but with people who don’t. It happens at home where it might not always feel nice. It might look more like arguing than compromise, or more like sulking, resentment, and defensiveness. Home is where you work out who you are with someone who’s working out who they are too. It’s messy, it’s beautiful, it’s life, and it just can’t happen when two people are too much alike.

To the woman I love, thank you for having the same life goals as me and very different ideas about how to get there. Thank you for your almost alien perspective. Thank you for your outside interests. Thank you for your baggage and your bias. If not for you, sure, I might still be able to think and sympathize outside of my own experience but I would never have been capable of taking the leap to living outside of my comfort zone.

***

I’m doing something new here. In addition to my regular blog post, I’m adding these journal entries. The goal is to post one every day hence the title of each will be the current day number out of 365. I was inspired to try this by Thord D. Hedengren.

Oh, and, as always, thank you for reading. If you like this post check out my weekly-ish newsletter for inspiring reads + existential musings on life, love, and inevitable human suffering. Or help support what I do by sharing a virtual cup of coffee.

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183//365 — Halfway

I saw this morning’s @year_progress tweet, and the news hit me hard. The year, it seems, is already half over. Where did the time go? How could I waste so much of it? Did I waste it?

Sure, there were failures, but there were successes too. With a bit of courage, I’m sure the second half of the year can be even better than the first. I can start again, and all that has happened can happen over again, if I want it to. So, maybe nothing has really ended at all, only begun anew.

Same as any other day.

***

I’m doing something new here. In addition to my regular blog post, I’m adding these journal entries. The goal is to post one every day hence the title of each will be the current day number out of 365. I was inspired to try this by Thord D. Hedengren.

Oh, and, as always, thank you for reading. If you like this post check out my weekly-ish newsletter for inspiring reads + existential musings on life, love, and inevitable human suffering. Or help support what I do by sharing a virtual cup of coffee.

A Quick Change of Perspective

Today has been a very busy and trying day. Now that school is starting back up I am back to work and that means my schedule has changed and I am waking up earlier. I am tired now and to make matters worse I was so busy I skipped lunch. Now I am struggling to stay focused and positive. I needed to change my perspective before the negative thoughts crept in so I decided to write a quick list of things that have gone RIGHT today.

As hard as it was, I was able to wake up on time today. I went to bed at a decent time last night and had an idea of what I wanted to wear and what I needed to do in the morning. I got ready with minimal issues and apart from leaving the house and forgetting my tea, everything went smoothly.

I was able to complete all of my personal and professional goals by midday. I worked on math over on Khan Academy and mastered a lot of skills. I did my Lumosity training for the day and found out I had improved on the memory games. I wrote 750 words, finished my blog post for tomorrow, and am now working on this post. I got my new hours for work and sent all the emails I needed to. I was actually very productive.

I stayed as positive as I could and didn’t let anything stress me out. I found out a few days ago that I didn’t get the route or the driver I wanted but I have accepted the situation and moved on. I will make this school year the best it can be and try not to dwell on what I didn’t get. I also found out that I lost a total of three people from my training team. Which means more work and planning on my part but I have decided to take things one step at a time and just do the best that I can. I just jumped right in and started scheduling things. This way I won’t find myself in a time crunch and feeling overwhelmed later in the year.

Looking back now I guess today wasn’t all that bad. In fact, I think I could consider today a success given all that I have accomplished. I didn’t let the stress, schedule change, or skipped meal get me down. I hope you all are having a good day too, and if you aren’t, I urge you to look back and focus on all the good you have done.

Until next time, good vibes everyone! :)