My Poor Baby Boy (Update on Samson)

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We got the call early this morning, our poor baby Samson had passed away.

Last night the vet called to say that the surgery had not been a success. They had hoped that they could go into his stomach and get whatever it was that he swallowed. The x-rays from the day before showed something, not bone or metal, that was caught in his throat and went down into his stomach. So the vet thought he could open up his stomach, grab it, the pull it out through the abdominal wall . Well, they opened him up but they couldn’t find whatever it was he swallowed. It’s fucking baffling to me that the x-ray showed something the day before and they go in yesterday and it’s gone. So they closed him up and let us come see him.

The vet told us his chances were slim, very slim, he thought there was just too much damage, and he felt that whatever Samson had swallowed was now embedded in his esophagus. He didn’t think it was possible for him to survive this….We wanted to make sure we did everything we could so we agreed that maybe he should stay with them overnight, that way they could monitor him and see if anything else could be done.

We wish we had opted to bring him home last night. I know it might sound sad and morbid but I wish he had passed away with us, at home, surrounded by everything he knew, rather than in a veterinary office kennel, surrounded by strangers and other sick animals. We would have laid with him and told him it was okay, that he didn’t have to fight anymore. We wanted to tell him that we loved him, and that he was a very good dog.

Grieving has been hard. Being in the house without him is hard. I’m used to spending a good amount of time worrying about where he is, or what he’s getting into, or what he might be peeing on. He barked a lot and ran around and was always either trying to jump up on me or trying to get me to throw his toy. Now the house is quiet and boring. I wander around thinking he might just be in another room or maybe just outside, and I feel like any minute now he will come running in to play with me.

My heart literally hurts, and my stomach is in knots. I feel shocked and I’m in perpetual disbelief. I just want my boy to come home. Then I accept it, he is gone and he is never coming home again, and then I cry. We’ve been looking at his pictures and telling little stories about him and laughing and then crying some more. I didn’t know how much I loved him and I didn’t know how much of my life revolved around him until now and I wish I had appreciated him more. I wish I had given him more treats, taken him more places, thrown the ball just a little more….That’s all I can write for now.

Rest in peace Samson, we love you and we miss you.

My Baby Boy Is Sick

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Samson with all of his friends :)

My little dog is sick, and I am about out of options to help him. His name is Samson, he’s only 2 years old, he’s tiny, only about 5 pounds, and he’s super cute. On Monday my girlfriend came home for lunch and let him out in the back yard, as she usually does. When she let him back in she noticed that he had something in his mouth. She tried her best to dig it out of his mouth but Samson hates to have things taken from him, so he swallowed it. Then he immediately vomited, then he vomited again, and again, and again. After about 4 or 5 times he calmed down and my girlfriend put him back in his kennel with plenty of water and came back to work. We’ve been through dogs eating things they shouldn’t before, many times. They puke a bunch and then they are fine, she figured Samson would do the same.

A few hours later we both got home and I went straight to his kennel and saw he had vomited again. So I gave him a warm bath and laid with him in the living room. He curled up and the floor and whined a bit but I figured he was just worn out from throwing up and he was being a big baby. I didn’t offer him any food but kept water available. Tuesday he was the same, still refused food and was very tired but he seemed a tiny bit better so even though I was starting to worry I still thought it was just upset tummy and he would be fine. Yesterday is when I really started to worry. I went in to work my morning shift and when I came home he wasn’t any better. I offered him food from my hand and he ate a bit but then, almost immediately after eating, some pretty terrible sounds started coming from his stomach and he vomited again. I knew something was really wrong so we got in the car and took him to the vet.

The vet looked at him and said yes it was concerning and she wanted to keep him for the afternoon and quoted us about $520 to check him and x-ray him. The price was a bit much but we agreed to that and after work we picked him up with instructions to try to find an affordable place to take him. They aren’t sure exactly whats going on but they are afraid of a bowel obstruction. I called a few places and no one had time to take him until Friday so I called the vet back and she said to feed him chicken and rice in the morning and see what happened.

This morning we did as instructed and feed him the chicken and rice, and as soon as he swallowed it he started making a HORRIBLE screeching sound. We panicked, called the vet, and brought him back in. She is encouraged by the fact that he didn’t throw up but she kept him again and we agreed to more x-rays and another $250. We are out of money now though and I just don’t know what we are going to do. Yeah I make more than minimum wage but not enough to afford that bill and possible surgery. I know everyone says you shouldn’t have a dog if you can’t pay for their care, and yeah I get that and I totally feel like shit for not being able to pay for this, but thinking like that doesn’t help Samson at all right now. I’ve called a bunch of places, and we applied for Care Credit, but nobody will do a payment plan and Care Credit only approved us for $500. We are feeling hopeless and helpless right now, and we feel guilty too. We feel like the worst pet owners ever.

So now we are waiting. Waiting for the vet to call back and tell us what to do next. I am hoping that he just has an injured esophagus, there is medication for that. Or maybe he is just really constipated and he will poop soon and get better. I told him if he got better I promise I would appreciate him more and take him to the park and not yell at him when he barks. I will watch him better outside and take better care of him…..I just want my boy to come home. The house is so empty right now without him. We don’t have kids and the cat doesn’t really care much about us unless she wants to be fed or petted. Samson’s whole world revolved around us and he loved to be near us. Without him the energy has gone from this house.

Please get better Samson, we love you….

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Baby Samson, he was so cute an teeny-tiny!

The beginning is always today.

I am about to turn 29 in a few weeks and I am beginning to feel a bit old, or at least very adult. I’m engaged to my beautiful girlfriend, whom I’ve been with for over 11 years. We were waiting for marriage equality here in Colorado but civil unions will have to do because I just can’t wait any longer. I love her more than anything but we do have our ups and downs just like any other couple. We own a home that may require more money, time, and know-how than we have but we are determined to fix it up and sell it eventually. And we also have our pets, Samson, our little ankle biter, Sophia, the cat, she’s kind of a bitch but I like her that way, and Delilah, our awesome Ball Python.

As my title suggests, math is my favorite subject, and I’m currently exploring a more Zen way of living. I read a lot, books were my first love. This year I’m trying to read one new book a month but so far I am failing miserably. I also try to follow current events and politics pretty closely, especially anything having to do with civil rights or women’s issues.

I’ve always liked writing. It’s a lot like reading, it’s quiet, requiring a lot of focus and attention. And just like reading, at the end you get the feeling of having accomplished something significant, even if only for yourself.

As a teenager, and into my early 20s, I wrote a lot. I journaled, I wrote little personal stories, and I wrote sad teenage poetry. I was trying to express myself but after awhile the drive to write just went away. Part of it was life getting in the way but mostly my writing just never seemed very good to me. I knew I had a story to tell but I didn’t know how to write the way I needed to write in order to say what I needed to say.

It’s been years and off and on I have started again but I never made much progress. I think it’s probably because I have always ever just written for myself. It was easy and nice but there’s is no challenge in it, I could never get any better. So I’m starting this blog, to challenge myself and to learn to write for you, the reader.

I have a lot of down time at my job and I tend to think, a lot, about everything, I’m sure I will have plenty to write about. I’m trying to commit to at least one good post a week, maybe more if I get comfortable. I hope to write things that make you think about how the world works and why things are the way they are, and I hope to do it in a positive and encouraging way. And I might even try to make you laugh every once in awhile.

I’m new to blogging so hopefully after figuring things out this blog will feel more like my own little place on the internets. I welcome comments and critiques, or any tips you can offer, or just stop by sometime and say hello. I’d love to hear from you. You can also find me on Twitter or Tumblr, or maybe Google+ if you’re on there.

Until next time,

L.