If We Were Having Coffee

If we were having coffee I would tell you that this past week was hard! I work in the training department of my job. The department is terribly short staffed and we hired a new class last Monday. That means me and my 4 fellow trainings did the work of 8 or 9 trainers in the same time period. Each of us worked at least 9 hours a day to get the class trained and ready to work. I am very proud of both myself and them for making it through the week.

If we were having coffee I would tell you that even though I am proud of my work at my day job, I am sad that it came at the sacrifice of my side projects. I was able to get the writing done but nothing else. No artsy stuff was accomplished and nothing in my art journal at all. I barley got any reading done either. Hell, I didn’t even have the 10 minutes to spare for meditation!

If we were having coffee I would tell you that at least the week ended on a good note. Yesterday me and my girl spent the day shopping and getting ready for a night out downtown. Oh, and what an awesome night it was. I have been feeling so alone lately but all my friends showed up and really let me know that I am truly loved. I was on the receiving end of many hugs and kisses and I was told many times that I am an amazing friend. I am smart and funny and caring and they are all so happy to know me. I cannot tell you how much I needed that!

Of course I feel the same way about all of them! They are all so fun and just as caring. I know if I needed anything they would all be there for me in an instant. I admit I had forgotten that. I admit I thought they had all forgotten me. I won’t make that mistake again. I know I am loved and I am grateful for all of them. I think I will plan another night out this weekend. I want to feel the love some more!

If we were having coffee I would tell you that I hope so much that you had a good week too and I hope your upcoming week will be even better. Good luck to you all and thank you for reading :)

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My Moonlight

“Concentrate on what you want to say to yourself and your friends. Follow your inner moonlight; don’t hide the madness. You say what you want to say when you don’t care who’s listening.” — Allen Ginsberg

I love this quote and the idea behind it has been on my mind for awhile. I have always had this drive to find a way to tell the world what I need it to know but the words have never been fully formed in my mind. The madness is there but I am frozen and panicked, not knowing where to go or how to begin.

I have always talked openly about the ways in which I think we all need to grow. This is what I have always told myself and my friends. The ideas come out sounding random and disconnected though. In my mind they are all bound together by a common thread but I cannot see what it is exactly. That is why I am here. I am trying to find out how to say the things I need to say. And I will say them even if no one is listening. That is my purpose, I know it.

This blog is a sort of stepping stone, a way to learn to speak to the world. I am doing my best to be open and real. I am also trying to have some fun too along the way. I definitely never want to hide my madness, and my focus will always be what it is I want to say. I don’t care who is listening, but at the same time I hope someone is.

Prompt via The Daily Post: Howl at the Moon

An Open Letter To My Older Cat Who Keeps Freaking Out Because I Brought Home Kittens

Dear Sophia,

I get it! You hate the cute kittens I brought home. They are in your space, playing with your toys, and trying to eat your food, and none of that is okay. I give them attention that I used to give you and that isn’t okay either. I understand how you’re feeling, really I do, but I need you to calm the fuck down, please?

I think you have forgotten what you were like when I first brought you home 10 years ago. You were just as annoying and frustrating but I was patient with you and now I love you very much. It could be them same with them if you would just make an effort. One day they will calm down and stop chewing things and running around, just like you did. Please try to understand, they are young and wild, but they are family too.

I also think that if you would just relax, they would leave you alone. I know they would. That only try to push your buttons because they know they can. It is a game to them and you are letting them win! Also if you would just relax I would stop having to spray all of you with the water bottle for getting all worked up and hissing and being complete assholes to each other.

Look, I love you and that is never going to change. I still want to make time for you everyday but you have to accept that the kittens are going to be here now too. I can pet you and them. I can sit with you and them. We can all cuddle in bed together too. All you have to do is fucking relax.

From your loving owner,
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I Just Miss Her

Being alone hurts. Being around people and still feeling alone hurts more. Knowing there is someone who loves you but they are too busy to talk to you hurts in a completely different way.

I work long hours and so does my girlfriend. We actually work at the same job and she is kinda sorta my boss. We met before either of us worked here and she has only been my boss for a few months now. Most people think that working together would be hard. Most people can’t even fathom their significant other being their boss. We make it work though. Work stuff is work stuff and home stuff is home stuff. The hardest part of it all is actually the amount of time she has to devote to work now.

I used to be able to see her throughout the day. Sometimes we could even eat lunch together. Now I can’t come to her office as that would look unprofessional and people may think I am getting treated differently because she is my girlfriend. On top of that she is too busy to even text me or see me for lunch anymore. If we were working a typical 8 hour day it might not be that bad but our jobs often require both of us to work well over that. I miss her terribly now and I feel alone most of the day.

I have friends at work too but it’s not the same. They are mostly guys and they don’t often want to talk about feelings. I don’t feel like I have many people around me who notice or even care how I am feeling. I’m not mad at them. I can’t expect others to always care and anyway I would hate to bring them down with problems that can’t really help with.

So I wait all day until me and my lady can go home and be in our own little world. It is a long wait and the time we have together is short before we must head to bed. Even on the weekends we are often busy cleaning or running errands we didn’t have time for during the week. If we aren’t doing that there is always family we need to see or some social function we must attend. There isn’t much time for us to just be together with no outside demands.

I know she misses me too. She comes home and she just hugs me and tells me about her day. She tells me that this sucks. She would much rather be with me than dealing with the crap she has to deal with. I know I am priority. I do not doubt that what she tells me is true. There just isn’t much we can do about our schedules right now. We have to learn to to make the best of our time. I am doing my best to be ok. I don’t want to make her feel bad. She got this promotion for us, so that we could have a better life. Neither of knew what we were getting into though.

Her job is stressful so I try to cheer her up during the day when I can. She is too busy to even be cheered up and too stressed to be in the mood to smile or think happy thoughts. She tells me she appreciates my effort and she wants me to keep trying but I just feel like a bother. I don’t know how other couples can do this sort of thing. I don’t know how to be away from the person I love so much.

Maybe thats just because I had gone so many years being able to spend so much of my time with her. We have been lucky. Maybe eventually everything will fall into place and I won’t feel so alone without her around. I want very much for her to take care of the work she needs to and I am so proud of her for taking on this responsibility. I have to remember to stay grateful I have her and not forget that she misses me too. I have to remember to make the most of what we have in the time that we have it.

Pets I Want but Probably Shouldn’t Own

I love animals. I love all the animals. I am also impusive and get obsessed with things very easily. In the past, the combination of these traits has lead to some very bad pet choices. We’ve had parakeets, a guinea pig, a snake, and even the cats I currently have, all have been impulsive and questionable pet choices I have made.

My poor girlfriend has put up with all of them so far but even she has put her foot down recently and makes sure I don’t make any new pet choices without thinking them through first. The thing is I do think them through, it’s just that all the animals I want seem so easy to care for in my head. In reality though pets often turn out to be more time consuming and expensive than I imagine they will be. You would think I had learned my lesson but I never do. There are still some bad pet choices I would make if given half a chance.

The first pet that I want but probably shouldn’t own is a pig. I think pigs are awesome. Everything I have read has said they are highly intelligent and not at all the disgusting, smelly animals everyone thinks they are. They are also very stubborn and well, pig-headed. I don’t imagine you can make a pig do anything it doesn’t want to do. Therefore training, I’m sure, is probably very time consuming and intense. I weigh in at about 120 pounds TOPS, even a so called “miniature” pigs can weigh between 80 and 160 pounds! There is no way I can manage that.

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This is a bad pet for me because I probably cannot match the stubbornness of a pig. They are super cute and seem like a whole lot of fun….at first, but I can see myself giving up and letting the pig pretty much run my life. Plus I don’t think I have the space that pigs probably require to roam. Yeah very bad pet choice.

The second pet I want but probably shouldn’t own is bigger snake. I already have one snake, a ball python named Delilah. I love her very much but I admit trying to keep her temperatures and humidity right can be a pain. Luckily ball pythons a hardy snakes and she has put up with my errors and even thrived in the two years I have had her. In classic Lisa fashion though i am now obsessed. I want more snakes but if I am being honest with myself right now I’m not sure I couldn’t do it.

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Snakes are fun to take care of. Learning about them and how to care for them seems more like a hobby than pet ownership. There are not a whole lot of other pythons or boas who stay on the smaller side. Even ball pythons can reach 4 1/2 to 5 feet long but at least that is a size I can manage on my own. Some of the other snakes I’ve looked at are: Carpet pythons, which can reach up to 9 feet. Red tail boas, which can get as big as 10 feet. And blood pythons, which get to between 6 and 7 feet. The blood python might not sound so bad but they are very hefty snakes and can weigh in between 25 to 40 pounds!

These are all bad choices because I don’t really have the space in my house required to house these types of snakes. Also getting the proper equipment to keep these snakes happy and healthy can be very expensive, not to mention the vet bills when something goes wrong! On top of that at these sizes I would need a second person to help me handle them and I can’t ask my girlfriend to commit to something like that. Not again anyway.

The third pet I shouldn’t own is actually not as bad of a choice as the others. I so badly want to own a hedgehog. I’m not a fan of rodents in general (although I am not sure hedgehogs are actually rodents) but these little guys seem like lots of fun. I did some research this past weekend and the biggest drawback I see right now is that they require more space than I thought. A cage 4 feet x 2 feet at the least! Other than that they don’t seem so bad.

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The reason this is a bad pet for me is because I know I will get bored with it and I will hate cleaning the cage. I mentioned I owned a guinea pig awhile back and it was fun for the first two weeks, then it got to be a chore and I didn’t have the time to take him out and interact with him everyday like I should’ve. I ended up giving him to my sister and I am sure a hedgehog would get the same treatment.

The last pet I want but probably (read:definitely) shouldn’t own is a fox. Yes you read that right, a fox! Foxes are the cutest things in the world! They are like dogs but I imagine they are kind of like cats too, and full of personality. I read awhile back that in Russia (I think) there was a program where foxes were breed and domesticated and that there was a possibilty you could order one through them. I think the price was something like $8,000! There are places here in the US (again, I think) that you can buy foxes from but they are not domesticated, they are wild animals. I would want to at least try to ship a domesticated fox here but I don’t even know if thats legal in the state of Colorado.

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This is a bad pet for me because of all the reasons. Foxes, from what I understand would require much more time, space, and attention than I could ever give. I bet there isn’t even a whole lot of information out there about owning a fox concidering it isn’t a very popular pet choice. I don’t even know how I could find a vet or what kind of shots it needs. I would just get it because it was cool and cute and end up not being able to care for it right. This pet is probably the worst idea on my list!

So for now I will stick to my three cats, which are difficult enough, the one snake, and my houseplants. Maybe one day when I am a more responsible adult I can own one of my dream pets but I doubt that will be for a long while. I am sure my girlfriend will breathe a sigh of relief to hear I have come to this conclusion all on my own.

It’s Monday, Let’s Get Shit Done!

This week I am going to try my best not to complain. The goal is to stay positive and grateful. Life is a beautiful thing and I only get to live each day once. I have a decent job, I have my own home, i have food on the table, and I can even afford a few luxeries. I have the love of my life by my side and each day is another opportunity for growth and new expieriences. There is nothing to complain about!

I have a lot of work lined up for me this week. I am already feeling the negative thoughts forming in the back of my mind. This week I have to make time to mediatate and clear my mind in the middle of each day. This way I will be able to keep my focus without getting overwhelmed. My schedule will be tight but after lunch everyday I will take 10 minutes to go breath and practice mindfulness.

This week I also have to rearrange my schedule and find a way to fit my creative time in with the additional work hours. I cannot let my side projects become less of a priority. If I fail to do so it will be harder to stay focused next week. I will take time today to schedule everything and I must stick to the schedule! I will stay aware of what I am wasting time on and when I am procrastinating. Focus, focus, focus, is the mantra this week.

I am also going to work on maintaining personal relationships this week. I am going set some reminders for keeping in contact with the people I would like to keep in my life. Friends and family who I don’t get to see very often. I want to call or text, Facebook has become to easy and impersonal. I am also going to make efforts to talk to new people on the internet. People who i admire and who’s work has inspired me in some way. Look out for new blog posts about that too.

I hope you all have a good week and I wish you luck in whatever area of your life you are trying to improve. Please remember to breathe, smile, and keep moving forward. It’s Monday everyone, let’s go get shit done!

Wedding Fever!

Last week we attended my cousin’s wedding and now we are have full-blown wedding fever. We have been engaged since Augast of last year but due to money issues and just generally not knowing what we are doing we have pushed the wedding back to sometime in the summer of 2016. I am pretty sad about this. No one in my immediate family has had a real wedding and honestly no one in my extended family had either until my cousin’s. I admit I wanted to be the first.

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Right now my lovely fiance is sitting on the other side of the couch playing songs on spotify that could be first dance songs, or walk down the aisle songs, or father/daughter dance songs. We are rethinking our theme (or lack of) and going over venue options. Wedding planning is easy when you are just talking and thinking about what you would like. It gets hard when the concepts of budget comes in to the discussion.We want our wedding to be big and fun and as traditional as a lesbian wedding can be.

We don’t really have anyone who can help pay for our wedding so everything we do has to be diy or cheap. We are going to try do it as classy as we can though. It’s hard for me to reconcile my dream of a big, traditional wedding with my rational mind. All I can think about is that we are going to spend all this money for one night. I can’t help it though. I am a girl and I want my day!

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I imagine me and my girl standing at the alter looking fabulous. Our wedding party will be all of our siblings. They will look fabulous too. We are going to write our own vows and they will be honest and sweet. Everyone will cry. Then we will have an amazing reception. It will be summer so I’d like to have both an indoor and outdoor area for people to drink and mingle.

I want to have a food truck because it seems fun and it’s the thing people are doing now. Later in the night we might even have an ice cream truck for dessert. I want the atmosphere to be relaxed, yet sophisticated. I want the decore to have an industrial chic feel. The wedding will be late in the afternoon and we will party as late as we can. There will be string lights and sparklers to light up the night. We will dance to all of me and my girls favorite songs.

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The night will end in happiness and love. Our guests will comment about how perfect we are and how they all hope to find a love like ours one day. They will tell us they had a wonderful evening and that they are so very happy for us. We will all be talking about it for a long while. All of our friends will have wedding fever just like we do now.

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Before all of that can happen we have to get through the planning and right now it all seems overwhelming. I don’t know how we can do this all on our own. We are definitly going to need help from our mother’s and sisters and girlfriends. We don’t even know where to start! The plan right now is to just start saving money like crazy and try to pin down a venue and a date. Then we will work on the exact guest list and her dress. Then invitations and everything else…..sigh.

How do people do this? How do you wade through all the options and pin down exactly what you want? One thing at a time I guess, just like everything else in life. I just hope we can do it without losing our minds.

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All images are via me and my fiance’s shared Wedding Inspiration board on pinterest. The photo of the ring is her actual engaement ring which I purchased from metalmorphoz on Etsy.