Is There A Book (Or Two) In Me?

I’ve been thinking lately about writing. I’ve been thinking about what I want to do and where I am going with it. I know I am new to writing in general. I don’t really know what I am doing at all or how to do anything else, but I have been thinking for a very long time. I have always wished I could be a writer, I just never thought it was possible until recently. I thought writers had to go to collage and they came from rich families. I thought writers looked nothing like me.

You have to understand, as a teenager I had a lot of emotional issues. I was depressed and I didn’t care about much. I didn’t make it very far in high school. I dropped out in the 10th grade. I later got my GED and a job at Target and I figured that I was just going to be a nobody for the rest of my life. Without an education how could I do anything?

Throughout that whole time I journaled. I wrote many times a day and I hoped to one day turn my life into a book. I knew there were others out there like me and I wanted them to hear my story. But I was just some nobody who could barely spell or write a proper sentence so how was I going to do that? There was no way I could write a book. It was impossible!

So, eventually I stopped journalling too. I felt like it was going nowhere. But now things are different. Now anyone can write for the world and have their voices and stories heard. Hell, I’m doing it right now! There might not be a whole lot of people who are reading this but someone is. Maybe one day I might be able to reach more than a few someones. When that day comes I hope to have something more substantial to share. Something more interesting and meaningful.

I may still write that story about my life but there have always been a couple of other ideas floating around in my head. One for a non-fiction book about my love of math and science and what it can mean for the average person. I want to write in the style of an almost religious book. I want to emphasize the beauty and awe I found while learning about space and time, physics and mathematics.

The inspiration came from my mother when she told me she felt sorry for me because I was an Atheist. She said she wishes I believed in something more, something bigger than myself. What she didn’t understand was that belief wasn’t necessary. I KNEW there was something more out there, something much bigger than me. There was a whole universe of it and it was here billions of years before me and will be for billions of years after, but I could SEE it. It was real! I felt sorry for her for never having realized that. I want to write a book to help others see what I see. A world where a belief in a God isn’t necessary because there is wonder to be found all around us and it was not made, it just is!

The second book is actually a graphic novel. A story set in a distant dystopian future. It’s an epic journey type of thing. My initial inspiration was the Lord of the Rings Trilogy. My story is nothing like that but it’s the epic journey that made me want to write an epic journey. My second inspiration comes from Stephen King’s Dark Tower Series. Another epic journey and a bit of fantasy thrown in. I might throw a bit of fantasy into mine. Then, 1984, where my love of the dystopian future began. And finally just about every other graphic novel I have ever read has shaped the story in my head.

I don’t have a lot of details, and I am not sure if I am going to try this all on my own (part of me wants to) but I have a general idea. It’s fuzzy and the shape changes all the time but there are a few constants. My lead characters are all women. It is, after all, a story about women, about what women are capable of, for both good and evil. It is about family and what family are capable of, for good or for evil. And of course there is love, and there are friendships and sacrifice and redemption. Really in my mind it is amazing!

So I have been thinking more and more about this writing thing and wondering, in this day and age is there any reason why I can’t write a book? No the most certainly is not! So the first of my New Years resolutions is to start working on these projects almost as if writing were my second job. I might even look into taking a couple classes so I have a better idea of what exactly I am doing.

I don’t think this will happen for me for a long time. A few years or so at least but the ideas are the start. I could at the very least write out al the ideas I have so far, work on some characters, and read, read, read, as much as I can, for both inspiration and some how-to’s. I might fail but I think it is time I made an effort. I know I can do the writing, it’s the finding of readers that I’m worried about, but I guess that’s not something I need to worry about for a long while. Right now I just need to focus on learning and writing. Maybe this can really be something. Maybe…..

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My Day Was Pretty Boring Without You

I heard the alarm go off promptly at 5:00 AM. I held you tighter knowing soon you would be leaving me. The alarm went off again 10 minutes later and I knew I couldn’t keep you anymore. You left and I heard you go outside in the cold to make sure the car would start. I felt the emptiness on your side of the bed and wished you could stay, then I drifted off back to sleep.

You came in sometime later, what time I don’t know. You kissed me on the cheek and said you had to go. I tried to wake enough to see you and say goodbye but I was exhausted. I don’t know what I said to you, I don’t remember now.

I do remember that sometime after that I did wake up and decided to take a shower. It felt like it must’ve been an hour or two since you left. I got up and began to get in the shower…..then I heard noises in the house. Someone was in the house and I freaked out. I opened the bathroom door slowly only to find you standing there holding cold medicine and lemon muffins. It had not been an hour or two since you left, it had only been 15 to 30 minutes. I told you you had scared the shit out of me then I thanked you for the medicine and food. You left then to head to work.

I missed you right away and tried to stay busy. I took my shower then took some meds and ate the muffins you bought me. I sat in bed and read some, then Twitter and Tumblr, I then played a new game I got on my phone. I was bored without you and I began to text you desperately telling you every little thought that popped into my head and reminding you to stop by the store later for various things. Sometimes you text back and sometimes you didn’t. I checked my phone every few minute to see if you had.

The rest of the day I slept or wandered the house bored and lost. I began to wonder what it must be like for people who are single. What do the do all day alone in their homes? When you are here the house if filled up. When you are here the house is safe. I have someone to talk to, someone to laugh at my stupid jokes. It’s weird to realize I didn’t talk all day with you not here.

Then I began to imagine if this would be how life was for me if anything ever happened to you and you didn’t come home. I know that is morbid but I think about things like this. I think it’s my brains way of trying to prepare for worst case scenarios and I know nothing is worse than living in this house without you. I saw days stretched out, going on forever, the days were empty and so was my mind and heart. I think I would become like a zombie, just wandering mindlessly from one task to the next.

I got depressed thinking about that so I put myself beck to bed. I am sick after all and need my rest. I slept the rest of the afternoon away. I woke up again just as it was getting dark out and I guessed I had another hour before you would be home. I decided to surprise you by cleaning something in the house. I know you expected that I wouldn’t feel up to cleaning at all, I knew you would be surprised. I was the one surprised when you walked in a few minutes later.

Now the house is filled up and I am laughing again. You are here to make me feel safe and make me feel better. You’ve cooked a wonderful dinner and made me feel like I was going to be ok. I know I just have a cold, a bad cold but just a cold, and it was just one day that I was here alone, but it was hard. We have been together for so long and now it feels like we are almost one person in two bodies. It almost hurts to be apart.

NaBloPoMo Is Getting Hard

My eyelids are heavy and my brain is all mush. I’m so tired and this cold has finally gotten the better of me so I have decided, I won’t be at work tomorrow. Thankfully I was able to make it through the hardest (and coldest) days this week and got done what needed to get done. I never gave up. I hate that I have to stay home but I’m not really needed so instead I’m going to rest. I have to get better soon.

So this is just another update, just letting you all know I’m still here. I plan to do nothing but rest and write tomorrow. Hopefully I will be able to come up with something good. NaBloPoMo is getting hard now and every night I am unsure if I can come here and pull something from my brain again. I think about giving up but only because this is such a hard time to try to do something like this. Any other month and it would have been fine.

Sigh, we are almost halfway there though, I think we can do it. To all you bloggers who are still in this, I wish you luck too.

Being Sensitive Sucks…..But I’d Like to Stay That Way

I hate that I’m sensitive and jealous and stupid and quiet and ugly and annoying

– Unknown

Ever since I was a child I’ve been told I was too sensitive. The slightest criticism or perceived disappointment or anger, especially from my mother or was always met with tears. My mother was strong and didn’t cry so when I cried all she saw was that her daughter was weak.

That’s what I think anyway. She called me sensitive and a cry baby and she often implied that she thought I was faking it for attention. Being a drama queen and trying to get people to feel sorry for me. I stil think that now when I cry. I think everyone thinks I am a fake and looking for sympathy and attention.

I had a hard childhood and as much as I tried to grow up to be strong I fear I have become even more sensitive. I feel so much all the time and all of those emotions are expressed through tears. When I am happy I cry. When I feel love I cry. When I feel frustrated I cry. When that frustration turns to anger I cry harder. And of course when I am sad I cry the hardest.

I internalized what I felt my mother felt about me and now I feel weak and pathetic. I want to be like most other people who don’t cry. My girlfriend is like that. She is strong and she moves forward in life with thick skin. She also has a hard time dealing with sensitive people like me. Part of her loves that I am this way because she does need someone to soften her up. I remind her that it’s important to feel things.

But sometimes feeling so much is too much. Sometimes I think it would be easier to be thick skinned like regular people. Then I could stop crying so much and feeling so much pain all the time. I imagine I would feel less happiness though, there is a cost to everything I suppose.

I think my childhood has left me with many raw, open wounds. I am always on the verge of pain. No I am fragile and damaged and I need to be handled with care but it’s not easy for other people who just want to be able to be normal around me. People who want to make jokes and who are brutally honest get frustrated when I collapse into a ball of tears.

When that happens and I see the way people look at me then I start to feel the bad things about myself. I am weak.

But maybe I’m not as weak as I think. My girlfriend says I am strong all the time. When she says it I barely believe her, BUT it is nice to hear it coming from her, the strongest person I know. She says she really means it and I think to her showing emotion the way I do seems like it takes a whole lot of guts. She doesn’t know I don’t choose it. She doen’t know I don’t the strength to fight it.

I have tried to fight it. I have tried to bottle things up and grow a thich skin but the more I fight the worse I get. One thing I have learned over the years is that this part of me will never change. I am not going to fight it anymore. I’m going to embrace it and I’m going to see if maybe I can be strong in my own way. Maybe being a sensitive person is a strength. I am differnt from everyone else and that has to mean something. That has to be something good.

 

 

This was a free write. I didn’t edit it at all or change anything. Please forgive any errors.

Just An Update

Nothing to write about tonight. It was a long day and I am sick. I have to do it all again tomorrow and the weather is only getting worse. This was the worst time to get a tattoo and stretch my ears. My chest feels horrible and my ears are driving me mad. They aren’t bleeding or pussing up, not yet anyway. My hair rubbing hurts. Wearing a beanie hurts. On top of all that I am sick. My throat hurts and so do my sinuses. I bought some Emergen-c today but it tastes crappy and it’s not magic so I am getting worse. I worry that I might not make it through the week without missing some work.

The air was frigid cold today. I think the high was 28 degress. Tomorrow it’s not going to get higher than 18 degress. I expect to suffer the whole day. I expect to be nothing but miserable. I don’t know how to get through it and stay positive. The weather just affects me so much and in a way I feel I can’t fight. I can get up in the morning though and I can put one foot in front of the other for a few hours but that’s about all. It will have to be enough. When you are tired and sick and sad just making it through the day is an accomplishment.

A Late Monday Motivation

I’m late, I’m sorry. I do hope you all had a good Monday. I know Monday’s can be hard, we all know that. If your’s was hard don’t dwell on it too much. Remember that tomorrow is new day and another fresh start. I like to think of Tuesday’s as another chance to start the week again.

I meant to write this early in the morning, like I usually do, but I forgot that this week is going to be rough. I have to work 9+ hour days this week! BUT It’s NaBloPoMo, and I am determined, so I’m going to find a way to post everyday no matter what. I just might be posting later than usual is all.

The weather has gone all crappy on us here in Colorado. This past weekend was beautiful with highs in the 70s. The high for today was 55 degrees and we hit that at about 10 in the morning. After that the temperatures feel very quickly. It’s about 16 degress outside and snowing now and the roads are complete shit. I think it’s going to be like this all week too. I hate winter so very much and now it’s here and I am very sad. I feel like I saw the last of decent wether yesterday and I won’t see it again until late March at the earliest.

On top of the weather being crappy and cold I will be busy and more than likely exhausted. I am going to do my best to stay productive and positive but with the weather going cold and dreary it will be a real battle. I am doing well at work and I am training new employees as well as new trainers so I do have a lot on my plate. I’m proud of myself for taking on the extra work and I hope to see a bit of overtime on my next check. With the holidays coming up I could really use it.

I am going to take care not to over do it though. I easily get lost in my work and lose track of time. Next thing I know I haven’t had a lunch and I haven’t done a thing for myself. Thats what happened today and that’s why I’m just now writing this. I think if I just work hard at taking a decent lunch at the same time everyday I should be able to get some kind of small something done here and there. Which is better than no kind of nothing I guess.

So this week the goal is to find a way to temporarily cut back on my writing time and work more on my day job duties. I hate that I have to do this but I can’t change it so I might as well accept it and make the best of it. Instead of complaining i should make an effort to try to control it the best I can. I can do that by making a plan and sticking to it. The plan is to write for a hour at lunch and an hour in the evening. Anyother time I have I should work on gathering ideas. Hopefully this will get me through the month.

Other than that this is a boring week. I don’t have any big news or anything interesting coming up. I’m just going to work and write and spend time with my lady. She is super busy this week too and I am hoping to make the most of what little time we both have together everyday.

I hope you all have a good week. If you have anything interesting going on I’d like to hear about it in the comments. Since my week is going to be boring I have to live through others. :)

If We Were Having Coffee: Late Night Bailey’s Edition

If we were having coffee this late I would definitely be adding Bailey’s and some coconut cream. Trust me it’s delicious. We’d be having coffee this late because I am so very exhausted. Yesterday I got my chest worked on and I started at 4:45 pm and ended at about 11:30 pm, minus breaks it was about 6 hours of me getting stabbed with tiny needles. If we were having coffee this would probably be just about all I talked about.

I swear it has to be up there as one of the hardest and most painful things I’ve ever done. On top of that I had to lie perfectly still no matter how badly it hurt. The nerves on my chest we shot by the end but instead of being numb they were all active at once. I was in so much pain at the end I was shaking uncontrollably and I could barely think straight or hold anything in my hands. I was happy though :)

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If we were having coffee I would take this time to explain why exactly I have a large (and very expensive) octopus tattoo on my chest. See, octopuses* are my very favorite animals. A lot people think that is weird but that’s only because they don’t know how awesome octopuses are! If you are one of those people here are some facts you need to know:

#1. Octopuses are considered the most intelligent of all invertebrates. Scientific studies are increasingly confirming that they are sentient creatures.

#2. They have been observed using tools. In 2009, scientists reported they had watched veined octopuses (Amphioctopus marginatus) picking up discarded coconut shells and using them like mobile homes.

#3. They have been found to play with a ‘toy’ and to have individual responses and individual temperaments, with some scientists believing they have individual personalities.

#4. All octopuses are venomous, but only the small blue-ringed octopuses are known to be deadly to humans.

#5. Octopuses have three hearts. Two pump blood through each of the two gills, while the third pumps blood through the body.

#6. Octopuses have blue blood.

#7. Their suckers are extremely strong. Bigger ones can an hold up to 35 lbs. The suckers are also extremely sensitive; they can pick up subtle chemical signals and move individually, even folding in half in a pinching gesture.

#8. If all else fails, an octopus can lose an arm to escape a predator’s grasp and re-grow it later with no permanent damage.

You get the point, right? They’re awesome! The thing I think limits more people from seeing how awesome they are is the fact that they don’t live very long. Most live 3-5 years, some for only 6 months. Pretty much after mating they are done for. This also prevents us from studying them very well. Still though they are awesome!

My octopus is a particular one, a coconut octopus (or veined octopus). It’s my favorite because it uses coconut shells it finds on the ocean floor to make a sort of portable home for itself. It’s been observes holding two shells while walking along the ocean on two legs! I also love its color. This deep purple-ish red. Took my tattoo artist awhile to mix up some colors and match the pictures the best she could. I think she did well. She even got the yellow around the siphon.

If we were having coffee I’m sure you would be thoroughly bored with hearing about octopuses at this point. I would apologize for rambling on but I just so excited about these creatures and I am happy I have one of my own on my chest for life. By the way, I’ve decided it is a “she” and her name is Winifred, after the wife in The Shining. :)

I would probably stop now before you thought I was too crazy. I would of course want to hear about how you are doing. We might need refills on the coffee and Bailey’s now and maybe there could be some sort of sweet dessert too. I really hope you are well and you had a good week. If not I hope the next one is better.

P.S. My lady also got her tattoo worked on, here a bonus pictures of hers.

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P.S.S. In case you’re curious my artist’s name is Alissa and she works at Bound by Design. If you live in the Denver, CO area and want some work you should check her out.

*According to Grammarist.com Octopi is the supposed plural of octopus, but it is not exactly correct. I personally like octopi but for consistency I went with the correct pluralization, octopuses. Octopodes can also be considered correct but in my opinion sounds ugly.