A Bit of Free Writing About Myself and Why I Am Here

I am one of those difficult people. I feel things deeply and I overthink everything. I talk a lot and in my mind everything leads to everything else. I exhaust people. I love hard and my relationships can get intense and dysfuntional. I’m moody too. One minute I am happy and joking, the next my feelings are hurt and I am embarassed and angry. I love to laugh and I often take jokes too far. I’m not good at knowing when enough is enough and I can be irritating. More than anything I want to be seen. I want people to look at me and see who I am.

I also have a tendancy to be the complete opposite of what I think I am. I have a tendancy to be the oppposite of what I was just yesterday. It is hard to get to know me although many people think they do. I overshare and tell people things about myself they wouldn’t want to know. I think I do this because no one suspects someone who overshares of having secrets. I have many though and they are buried deep. There is one person who knows me better than anyone though and I’m not even sure how well she knows me. I’m not sure how well I know myself. I want the world to see me but i don’t even know who I am.

I want to change. I want to be better and more open. I want to tell my story and heal. I want to show others the world that I see. I want everyone to be a little more like me. Don’t we all want that though? Everyone should be more sensitive. Everyone should love everyone else just a little more. Everyone should talk more and try to understand each other a little better. I think that is the path to a better world. Undertsanding, empathy, and love. See the whole world, the whole universe, understand it, and love it. This is the only life you get. It’s time we share our secrets and see each other for who we all are.

I guess that is what I want to do here. I want to see and be seen. I want to connect everything and love the universe and show you how to do the same. I’m not sure how to do that yet but I know my focus has to narrow. I want to write more about philosophy and science. I want to write about current events and the suffering I see. I want to write about how my heart hurts for myself, my family, and all of you. I want to write about things that are real that no one can see, and the things that aren’t real that rule over each of us.

There is so much to say but I never know where to begin. When ever it is time to begin my mind draws a blank. I thought the words would come easily but they don’t. I have to work harder and remember the things I need to say. I hoped maybe with practice the words would come easier, and in a way they have, but not in the way that I thought. There is no magic, it is work, but after the work comes the magic, when people see you and tell you so. I want more of that and I’d like to give it in return. The goal is community and learning for learnings sake.

One day, if enough magic happens, and if enough ideas present themselves to me, maybe there could be a book. A book about everything. A book about me and you and all of us and how we aren’t exactly something, but we aren’t nothing either. We are freer than we think and we can mean something to ourselves and each other. One day we will all be forgotten but the ripples we create can change the future. I believe in postive vibes. I believe giving one smile can create two. I believe in paying it forward and never expecting anything in return. I believe that, and much more, is the way to happiness and a better world.

I tried to combine both the Blogging 101 and Writing 101 prompts today. I did a bit of free writing and I wrote a bit about myself and why I blog. Theres was minimal editing. Only paragraph spacing and spelling.

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If We Were Having Coffee

If we were having coffee I would tell you that I have been feeling much better. Last time we got together I was feeling so tired and emotionally drained from work. This past week things have settled down a bit and I am finding more time for writing. I still need to get better at coming up with ideas ahead of time then writing and scheduling my posts for the next day or two out. That way I am not scrambling to post at optimal times the day I also I have to write the post.

I think my blog is doing well and I very much enjoy the community on WordPress. I wish I knew other bloggers in real life who I could talk to. I’m not blogging anonymously but I haven’t told many people about it either. I like that strangers read my work and not friends and family. I wouldn’t want to talk about it very much. I’m not confident enough yet for that. I am trying to comment more and get to know other bloggers online though. That is the goal now, and to grow and write more in depth pieces.

I also joined both the Writing 101 and Blogging 101 courses being offered over at Daily Post. I did them before but I didn’t finish them. I am going into them with more confidence this time and I think I will do better this time around. I am excited for the community aspect of it. It means more feedback and chances to improve. I never thought I would like blogging as much as I do. I’m not even sure exactly what it is I enjoy so much considering it can be a very frustrating at times. I guess it’s just knowing that I am putting a part of myself out there and trying to be better.

If we were having coffee I would tell you that I am also going to start meditating in the mornings. I have been wanting to for a very long time but it is hard for me to find time to be alone. I am working a lot and when I am at home I spend as much time as I can with Chardonnay. I feel like I can really say I am trying to be more Zen when I’m not even meditating! So I am going to wake up 10 minutes earlier than usual (which is actually on time) to meditate first thing in the morning. I figure before work is a good time. I struggle so much in the mornings. I wake up and rush around and forget something everyday. Clearing my mind before I do anything will hopefully help.

I downloaded an app called Headspace that offers a 10 day course to teach you to meditate. Each session is 10 minutes a day and you can even download them and listen to them whenever you want. Headspace offers a lot more, some things you have to pay for a subscription to access, which I don’t really want to do. I’m just going to start with the “Take 10” program and see what happens. I’ll let you know too.

If we were having coffee I would tell you that I have gotten back into learning all math Khan Academy. I got busy and took a break for a week. Then I got discouraged and quit for a week. I got stuck on 6th grade dividing fractions by fractions word problems….sigh. I felt so stupid! This was 6th grade stuff and I just couldn’t get it! After I was suffiently dissappointed in myself for quiting I got back to it and was finally able to get through it. I’m still not sure I fully understand it but I understand how to get the right answer. I was very proud of myself but I am still mad I was stuck on it at all.

I am about 67% through 7th grade now and my progress is starting to slow a little. It’s been over 10 years since I was in school and I have forgotten a lot. I have also realized that even though I made it to 10th grade as a teenager, middle school is when I stopped doing the work. I do know a lot of this stuff and what I don’t I am picking up fast, just not as fast as I thought I would. I think I realized that I’m not as smart as I thought I was. That sounds sad but that thought just gives me more motiation to learn more! I hope to finish the 7th grade stuff this week and 8th next week. I am currently 42% done with 8th grade.

So that’s whats going on with me. If we were having coffee I would very much want to hear how you were doing too. Let me know in the comments and until next time, good vibes everyone.

Saturday the 13th

I woke up this morning and realized we almost had a Friday the 13th this month. The days were off by one and so Friday the 12th and Saturday the 13th. I was a little bummed by this is because I love Friday the 13th’s!

Thirteen has always been my favorite number. I don’t believe it’s lucky or unlucky, I don’t really believe in luck at all. I just like that 13 seems a little different. I like that it is a prime number and it is the smallest prime where when the numbers are reversed (31) you get another prime! I also like that 13 is the 7th Fibonacci number. Seven is my second favorite number. Thirteen is also a happy number. :)

I was born on April 13th and every so often my birthday falls on a Friday. When that happens people have always tell me it’s was bad luck or bad ju-ju or whatever but I’ve never had anything bad happen. I love when my birthday falls on a Friday because everybody is talking about it and it makes the day even more special. The next time my birthday will be on a Friday should be in 2018. Four years from now….sigh.

This year we only had one Friday the 13th, back in June. It was also the time of the “strawberry moon”. A full moon falling on a Friday the 13th is rare so it was kind of a big deal! Every Friday the 13th I plan to get a tattoo but I’d never gone through with it. But because this past Friday the 13th was so special I found a tattoo shop that was doing Friday the 13th tattoos for $13 (+ $7 mandatory tip). Now behind my right elbow there is a 13 with two arrows for a very hipster Friday the 13th celebration.

So yeah, I am a bit obsessed and realizing that we were one day off made me a little sad. I guess Saturday the 13th is just as good right? Today is still my favorite number :)

Friday Favorites: A Round-Up of Posts That Have Inspired Me

I read a lot. Throughout the week I browse blog post after blog post reading amazing stories and learning new things. I wanted to start sharing with all of you the great posts I read because, well, they are amazing. They can be sad, or funny, or surprising, and they have all inspired me in some way. Here are a few from this week:

Peter Brown Hoffmeister – Maybe We Take Ourselves A Little Too Seriously?

Three hilarious short stories from the author about people taking things too seriously, or not serious enough. I never thought about giving humorous writing a try. I don’t know that I am all that funny but I have friends that definitely are. This next week I’m going to try to really pay attention to the things they say and write my own humorous post.

IWANTEDWINGS – A Response to ‘Women Against Feminism.’

I’ve been aware that there are women out there against feminism, but I’ve never taken them too seriously. This post is in response to the “Women Against Feminism” groups on Facebook and Tumblr. I clicked the links in thearticle to the groups and found so much ignorance. I take the issue a little more seriously and plan to write my own response to them soon.

alfreds almanac – 10 Reasons to Not Start Blogging

This post is meant to be funny but every bit of it is true. Even though I’m new to blogging I found myself agreeing with everything in this list. Right now I am on #9, resenting my employer. I should write about that too.

Parent Your Business – My post has a virus, uh…

A funny story about a bloggers increase in traffic due to a post with the same title as a porn video. Maybe I should give that a try?

NEUTROIS NONSENSE – Things I’ve Learned From Being Transgender That Aren’t About Being Transgender

“Life lessons I’ve learned by virtue of being trans, that aren’t really about being trans at all.” This post inspired me more on a personal level than on a blogging level. Although I do think I might write a little about my own (often) complicated views on gender.

There were many more but I thought for my first round-up I should keep the list short and sweet. I really hope you enjoy the posts and, please, let me know what you think of the list. Until next time, good vibes everyone :)

Remembering 9/11

I wasn’t sure if I should write about 9/11 today. I feel like a lot of people, a lot of bloggers, are take advantage of this tragedy and pretend it affected them in a way that it didn’t. I don’t want to be like that. I remember when it happened but I was so far removed that all I really felt was shock. Looking back I think somewhere in the back of my mind I may have been a little fearful. I was young though, a teenager with an intense sense of invincibility. I assumed that whatever might come, I would be ok.

All I can say now is that I am very sad about all the lives that were lost. I am also so proud of all the emergency personnel, civilians, and even the search and rescue dogs, that helped out that day. I cannot imagine what it must have been like for the people on those planes, the people inside those buildings, and the people tasked with rescuing them. I hope all those who lost loved ones will find peace. I hope all those involved that day find peace. I hope all those who died rest in peace. I can honestly say that I will never forget.

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Images via The British Nobility on Tumblr. The text read:

September 11, 2001

2,997 people died. 411 people risked their lives to save others. At least 200 people jumped and fell to their deaths. 2 beautiful buildings destroyed. 246 people got on an airplane and never got to see home again. 2,997 innocent people left their homes one day and never got to see their families again.

A Stupid Argument With A Men’s Right’s Douchebag

So yeah I got into a stupid debate yesterday with a stupid person (I assume he’s a guy but who knows so I’ll just go with person) about this whole Ray and Janay Rice elevator knock out thing. It happened in the comments of an article on Thought Catalog, Ray Rice’s Wife, Janay, Says To Lay Off, Is She Right To Demand, that I just happened to come across. It has since been made private so I can only view it anymore from within my Disqus dashboard. I had commented first saying that I hadn’t known anything about this incident since I don’t normally follow sports or celebrity news. I just happened to click on this article and watched the video. I was immediately outraged. I was outraged because of the force Ray Rice used when he punched Janay. I was outraged because he could have hurt her very badly and he didn’t even seem to care.

I scrolled down to read some of the other comments after my original one and came across this:

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The comment that started the thread says “She hit him first. Was he wrong? Yes. But women need to stop thinking that just because they are female they get a free pass to hit men. Especially when this whole feminist movement is going on. If you want equal rights, you will be treated equally. Common sense you hypocrites”.

I responded by saying that I don’t think it’s about women thinking they have a free pass. Both men and women should not be hitting anyone and neither has a “free pass”, ever! I think the issue most people have is about size and strength. Men are often bigger than women, and are often the perpetrator in domestic violence situations such as these. Those same men tend to cause more damage in their violence than women do is reverse situations. Ray is clearly much bigger than Janay and the force he used in retaliation was much more than could have used. The force he used is also more than what was necessary to defend himself and get away. My point was that he could have really hurt her. He could have killed her.

Her actions were wrong I suppose. It’s hard to judge but it seemed to me like they must have been arguing before. She swatted at him a few times too and it even seemed like she was coming at him to hit him some more in the elevator. She shouldn’t have been doing that because it’s not a healthy way to solve problems and hitting another person is wrong.

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Then the stupidity started. This “visonary_23” person responded to me by saying that assuming “men are stronger than women” in domestic violence situations is the same as saying it other situations that require physical strength, like in the police force or firefighting. This is very stupid statement for two reasons. For one, in my previous comment I used the term “tend”. When I say tend I am talking about “on average” not “always”. So there are some men who are smaller than some women, because of that there are series of fitness tests that must be completed in career fields such as police officer or firefighter. Some women can pass these tests and some women cannot. Some men can pass these tests and some men cannot.

The second reason is because, like I said before, in most cases of domestic violence between men and women the man IS bigger and stronger and so he is the one being told to restrain himself. I doubt Janay is capable of knocking Ray out cold. Her slaps would not have done him any permanent damage nor could they have killed him. He on the other hand was clearly capable of doing those things, just like a lot of men who hit women. He should have restrained himself.

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Visionary_23 continued to argue with me. I don’t really understand what was wrong with my statement, or what exactly this person didn’t agree with. He seemed to think men should not have to make snap judgments about whether or not they are bigger than a woman and restrain themselves. He thought it was weird to think that in cases of domestic violence the man (who uses greater force) is demonized but in cases where men would benefit in career choice men and women should be viewed as equal. He even got into what was the acceptable height, weight, BMI difference before a man could hit a woman. This guy was truly a douchebag.

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In a roundabout way I think he was trying to accuse me of only thinking Ray was wrong because he had a penis which just isn’t true. I also think he somehow got the idea that I was excusing her actions. I don’t know how he came to that conclusion when I repeatedly stated that she was wrong too. I tried to explain that if the roles were reversed and I saw a large woman beating the crap out of a man much smaller than her I would feel the same way. It really does come down to size and force for me. When any person acts excessively toward someone who is smaller than them I think they are a coward who shows no respect for other people nor do they have any self restraint. In short they are assholes.

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After that he kept going on about how  if women are considered “weaker” in domestic violence situations then they should also be considered weaker in the career field too. Either that or consider them equal and let them work “man” jobs and let them get beat up in domestic violence situations. I got tired of it and replied by asking him if he really thought Ray didn’t know he was bigger and stronger than Janay? I explained again that I was not saying she wasn’t wrong, I was only saying Ray used excessive force and that isn’t ok because it could have resulted in brain damage or death for Janay. Watching the video there is clearly a point where Ray could have just walked away. Hell there are multiple points where he could have walked away, he chose instead to use his full strength to knock his girlfriend out cold.

And it continued. He was still trying to get a different answer out of me about women being police officers and firefighters. I had since realized I was talking to not only and idiot but an idiot who hated women. I thought of those “Men’s Rights Groups” and how horrible they are. I scrolled around to see if this person was saying the same things to anyone else and sure enough he was. He responded to many people saying that there was a feminist lynch mob going after Ray and that feminists excuse women’s actions because of vagina’s and “equality”. I tried one more time to let him know I was not excuse her actions and that the issue was about size and strength and excessive force. Issues that are present in a majority of domestic violence situations. Then I asked him to stop.

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His repsonse was just as idiotic as all of the other responses. I wanted so much to reply again but I knew he needed the last word in order to feel like he won. This would have gone on and on if I said anything else and I knew I would never have changed his mind. He wanted an answer out of me that I was never going to give because the answer he wanted was wrong. He wanted me to say that woman are equals and Janay got what she deserved. He wanted that or he wanted me to admit that women were a weaker sex and unfit for “men’s work”. These two situations are not the same and neither are the dynamics.

I went to bed upset over this. I never get into these sorts of internet arguments. I was mad at him for being sexist and for bothering me. I was mad at myself for wasting my time and emotions on an asshole. I don’t think I said anything that was wrong. I think I made a fair assessment of the situation and I found that they were both wrong but Janay was the one in more danger. I wrote this because I needed to examine the conversation and ask for the opinions of my readers. I don’t know exactly what it is I want to know from all of you. Your opinion on any of it would be welcomed.

Oh Look, It’s Time For My Yearly Existential Crisis

Ever since I can remember I have been obsessed with death and the meaninglessness of life. Every so often, about once a year, it gets really bad and I just stop caring about anything. I am going through that right now. I find myself, asking myself, why? What does it all mean? Why go on? Why keep trying? As I have gotten older I have come up with some answers. These answers are just my answers and they work for me.. I am not going to say I have it all figured out. I doubt I, or anyone else for that matter, will ever have it all figured out.

I am, and probably always will be an Existentialist. This means I believe that there is no inherent meaning to life. Not my life or “life”as a whole. There is no reason for us to be here or not to be here. There is no meaning in any of it, except for the meaning we create. There is no reason for living and breathing, for working and paying bills, for love or relationships, there are no reasons for any of it, except for the reasons we create. In short, the universe gives no fucks.

At first this sounds incredibly depressing, and a lot of the time it is. I am often paralyzed by the thought that nothing I do means a damn thing. I try to remember that that does afford me an incredible amount of freedom. If the universe doesn’t care what I do than I can do whatever I want! Now, that does not mean there aren’t consequences for my actions. What it means is I can do things that are pleasing for me to do as long as I am prepared to deal with whatever the consequences may be. This may come off sounding selfish but there are many acts of kindness that are pleasing too. I like to help people and make them smile. This makes me happy, so I do it. I also like to write and learn new things and then write about those things so other people can learn too. This makes me happy, so I do it.

Existentialism, to me, means letting go of what society says is right and good. It means taking a step back and deciding for myself what is right and good. I like it better this way because at least I know myself and my reasons for thinking and doing the things I think and do. I have a deeper understanding of my own mind and motivations.

Even though the universe doesn’t care about me, I care about me. I have decided that even though living or not living means nothing in the end, I want to live. After you decide to live you have to decide why and what to do. This can be overwhelming at first but take baby step. Start with deciding what gives you pleasure. Is it family, is it writing, is you you wife, what do you enjoy about life? After that go find more things that you enjoy about life, then spread the joy!

I have decided this is what works for me. A lot of that has come from learning more about Zen and what that means. To me Zen is a lot like Existentialism in that there is no one right way to live, there is an emphasis on letting go, and there is an acceptance of life and the world around you. You have to let go of everything in order to learn something about yourself and the world around you. Zen goes a little further and tell us to let go and look inside and find you true meaning and live it!

Both philosophies lead a person to view life from a more detached point of view. We can see the bigger picture without all of the emotional distraction and suffering. This may sound like a life filled with emptiness and meaninglessness but it doesn’t mean that at all. It means seeing the world differently and finding a bigger, deeper meaning. It means freedom and fulfillment! When the meaninglessness of life and death get me down, I remember that even though I will be forgotten one day, I will have lived, and that is wonderful and special. It will have been special for my friends and family and they are the ones who matter, fuck the universe!

So instead of trying to change the universe, which I believe is impossible, I try to just make an impact right now, where I can. I do this because it feels good to do so. I do this because I want to help everyone live a happier life. We only get so long on this planet and we have to make the most of it. Well, I guess you don’t have to because the universe doesn’t care either way, but I care and I want you to have joy and fulfillment.

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