Sometimes I Sound Like an Entitled Douche

Having grown up poor, by American standards, and gone through many hardships, I have always tried to be grateful for everything I have. Lately, as my financial situation has gotten better and I have noticed a bad habit creeping up on me. I have developed a habit for complaining about even the most minor of inconveniences.

Looking at my life from an objective point of view I see that I have a decent job, I have a wonderful girlfriend, I have friends and family, and I have all the necessities like a roof over my head, clean water, and plenty of food to sustain myself. Hell, I even have luxuries like an iPad, an Xbox, and a large sectional couch from Ikea.

Seeing my life that way I think “What the hell do I have to complain about?” but somehow, despite all that I still find myself uttering phrases such as “This is the worst!” and “Fuck my life!” over the pettiest things. Being a person who prides herself on being self aware I had to examine this new habit of mine. Why am I complaining more now that things are getting better?

So today I thought I’d put things into perspective and write about a few of the things that in the moment seem so unfair but looking at them now seem like nothing more than petty problems entitled pricks complain about.

#1. My phone battery never lasts as long as I want or “need” it to. I mean how can I be expected to make it through the day without being able to mindlessly scroll through Twitter or Tumblr for hours on end? What are these phone manufactures thinking? It’s 2014 people! We should have a better battery by now!

#2. The Chinese place I order from takes an entire hour to deliver my food. I am hungry now dammit and I will surely die soon if they don’t bring my food faster! I mean what the hell can they be doing the it takes a whole hour? I order from there all the time and I think they should implement some sort of “preferred customer” program where by my order moves immediately to the top of the list.

#3. I feel like more and more YouTube is forcing me to watch the ads that I can’t skip. I mean at first it wasn’t so bad, just wait 4 or 5 seconds then skip to your video, but now most of the ads are the 15-20 second ones that I can’t skip. I usually end up sitting through it but that’s not the point. The point is, I want to watch this video now! I don’t care about whatever stupid commercial for whatever stupid product it is that you want me to buy.

#4. My family keeps using my Netflix account and it’s really messing up my categories and my recommendations. Netflix thinks I like Phineas and Ferb, Family Guy, and The Kardashians. More and more I have to scroll through crappy “recently watched” and “recommended for you” movies to find something I actually like. My girlfriend was also watching her romantic movies on there too but she just made a new profile since I kept bitching. I just want my Netflix to be FOR ME!

#5. There is no Whole Foods on my side of town. The nearest one is about 20 minutes away but traffic is bad sometimes and it takes much longer. Why can’t the build a Whole Foods on my side of town huh? I hate having to go all that way when I’m out of coconut oil or hemp shampoo! On top of that, bonus first world problem #6, I go all the way out there and they are out of fig and goat cheese gelato! WTF?

So yeah sometimes I sound like an entitled douche. I think the more I have the more I feel like I should have. I am ENTITLED! I am doing my best to be aware of it and I promise you all I am very ashamed of myself when I act this way. It doesn’t happen often but every once in a while I too can be a spoiled brat.

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A Letter to the Writer in Me

Dear me,

I know that writing has consumed your mind lately and you can think of nothing else, but please, remember to actually enjoy yourself. I worry you are beginning to take it too seriously. Writing is supposed to be fun and fulfilling, not tedious and frustrating. Remember to take your time and write for yourself first. I know that your readers are important to you but trust me, they would not want you to stress over writing either.

I know that you have been feeling like a fraud. I want you to know that you are in fact a writer. I that because you feel like you have no idea what you are doing, you feel like you have no right to call yourself a writer, but you do. As long as you are writing and putting yourself out there, you are a writer. As long as you are expressing yourself genuinely and authentically you are a writer. As long as you keep your passion and never forget the way writing makes feel, you are a writer.

I want you to know I am proud of you and you are doing a good job. I know right now it seems like everything you type is crap but it’s really not. You are new to this and it takes time to get better. Remember to strive for progress, not perfection. It will be a long time before you see perfection, and maybe it will never feel like perfection, but you will always feel progress. Just keep pushing forward.

Again, remember I am proud of you. It’s not easy to do what you are doing. Never let anyone take that away from you. Never listen to the people who make fun of you or put down your efforts. You are strong and brave, you are intelligent and creative, and you are kind and caring. If all of that doesn’t add up to make you a great writer than I don’t know what does.

Dear Me prompt via The Writer’s Hub, a community blog for the participants odd the September Writing 101 course.

Monday Motivation Ya’ll!

So sorry I’m a little late but I hope I am still in time to remind you all that Mondays aren’t so bad. Mondays are for starting over and making the week great!

If you read my last post you know I’m actually struggling to keep my mood up and stay positive and productive. That’s actually why I am so late with this post. I was feeling down and it was hard to get my butt in the seat and start typing but I did it. I’m ashamed of myself for not writing as much this past week or so. I missed doing my “If We Were Having Coffee” post yesterday and I feel really bad about it. Those are always my favorite posts to write and I love reading the updates from others in my comments or in the reader.

So this week I will write everyday! Even if it isn’t very good I have to write because practice makes perfect and I can’t get any better if I don’t at least try. Nablopomo is coming up very soon and I was really hoping to take part this time around. I had hoped to use these last few weeks as a time to really get into a writing routine and prepare myself for the intense blogging experience but due to feeling down these last couple weeks I have not done that at all! I’m now trying to get my shit together real quick and find a way to improve and join in with other bloggers next month. If you are also participating I look forward to reading your blogs too :)

I also need to write more to help me get out of this funk. Writing makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something. Writing gives me a way to express myself and process how I’m feeling. Writing about my problems give me a better perspective. Writing helps me see that the things I am feeling may not be entirely correct and that things are not really as bad as I think. Writing here also gives me a way to connect with others who understand me and can offer some encouraging words. Writing also gives me a means to offer encouragement back. Writing makes me feel like I have helped someone else. Writing is going to get me through these bad times.

This week I am also taking steps to work on my relationship. Not that my relationship is bad, it’s just that we are in a bit of a rut right now. When you’ve been in a relationship for a long time, 12 years in our case, getting in to a rut is something that is very normal and actually happens pretty regularly. The rut manifests in different ways for every relationship but for us it means a period of intense irritability, a lack common courtesy and restraint, and a lot of hurt feelings. It’s mostly just stress coming from outside the relationship that gets brought home and taken out on your significant other. It can easily be fixed if both parties are aware of it and make an effort to correct the problem.

So this week we are taking our time and learning, again, how to be patient with each other. We are going to work on communicating more effectively and learning to let things go instead of blowing up over the little stuff. We are going to try to have some fun together too and remember all the things we love about our relationship. We love each other more than anything and both of us want this relationship to work so we’re going to do our very best.

Before I go I just want to say again that I apologize for not being around as much. I do hope you all are doing good and life is treating you well. And, as always, I wish you the best of luck in everything you do and want to accomplish this week.

Damn Depression

I’m feeling a little down this week. I talk so much about trying to stay positive and productive but I’m new to it and I slip up sometimes. I am having trouble loving myself and seeing the good that I do. My work and responsibilities have also become a bit overwhelming and I have fallen back into my usual habit of closing up and ignoring everything and doing nothing.

I felt bad for not posting here after having done so well these past few months so I put my butt in the chair and started typing. I thought of the quote by Earnest Hemingway, “Write hard and clear about what hurts”, and thats what I going to do.

I am hurt that depression is winning again. I have struggled with depression since I was a kid and at this point I imagine it will be an ongoing battle for the rest of my life. I get down and then I hate myself for not being able to cope with life like an adult. I am always a bit sensitive and during the times when I am feeling more depressed than usual my emotional sensitivity gets much, much worse. Every perceived criticism cuts right to the bone and I fall apart and cry almost daily. Then I hate myself even more for letting people affect me and for not being stronger.

I am hurt that I feel lost. I feel like I have no worth or purpose. I feel like nothing I do gets me any closer to a better life and I don’t exactly know what I’m doing wrong. I work with people who do nothing more than what they have to and they enjoy the same pay and benefits I do. I question whether or not I should even keep trying to go above and beyond because in the end I just feel taken advantage of and stressed out.

I am hurt that I feel so alone in the world. I feel like no one can see my pain or maybe they just don’t want to. I try my best to help out where I can and to be a good employee, friend, sister, daughter, and girlfriend but I feel like I fail at every turn. I wish others would make more effort for me in return but I know no one in this world owes me anything. It would just be nice to hear some kind words. A little encouragement and reassurance would go a long way.

My girlfriend is busy at work and even when she isn’t busy she’s never been very good at dealing with my emotions. She grew up with a very emotional mother and so when I get really down it can be triggering for her. She is trying to be there for me but I know when I am like this I can be a bit much. I know that dealing with a depressed person can leave you feeling exhausted and emotionally drained. Dealing with a depressed person can make you feel like nothing you do is good enough.

I have to pull myself out of this. I know no one else can get me through it. All I can ask from family and friends is support. I have to be careful not to ask too much of them. I don’t want to bring anyone else down. I don’t want to become an emotional vampire, just living of the energy of others. I have been around people like that and it is horrible.

I have to keep writing. Writing helps get the bad feelings out and I always feel better for having completed something. I have to get back to drawing to for the same reasons. I enjoy working those creative muscles. I also need to get back into maintaining and building relationships with the people who matter in my life. Yeah they don’t always make the same effort but someone has to and I really want my loved ones around.

I’m also going to talk to people about how I’m feeling. I’m going to tell my friends and family that I don’t feel like they are making efforts to maintain our relationships. I’m going to tell my bosses that I am feeling a bit undervalued and overwhelmed. I need them to help me lighten my work load and to take some of the responsibility off of me that I am not getting paid to take on.

I’ll start with those and see if I can’t get out of this funk I’m in. I apologize for not being around but I am going to try much harder to write more often and hopefully add some value to your days. I haven’t forgotten my dear readers for one second and I hope you are all doing well, or at least better than me :)

Monday Motivation – Blogging 201 Edition

It’s Monday again, the hardest day of the week to love, but I’m alive and I’m grateful so it can’t be all bad right? Monday’s are for starting fresh and setting the tone for the week and for me, this week is going to be good. I want it to be anyway so I’m going to make the happiness happen!

I’m starting up with Blogging 201 and today’s assignment is to come up with three goals for your blog. I’m not sure I like the idea of goals per se but there are some things I’d like to try to do in the future to improve my writing, make better connections with people, and to be more creative.

For one, I’d like to reach a wider audience by interacting more on social networks. I love Twitter but I’m just not very good at it and I’ve only just now made a Facebook page for my blog. I’ve been on Tumblr for awhile and I have a good following there but it’s all been pretty passive. I enjoy talking to new people and sharing useful and thought provoking content, but I get nervous and don’t join the conversation as much as I should. I would love to have a better sense of community but it’s not easy and I’m learning as I go along.

I’d also like to start creating some original images for this blog, and for my other social network pages. I have image editing apps and access to a decent camera so it is possible for me to start doing this right away. I want to have a specific look and bring everything together, have more of a brand like everyone says I should. Mostly though I just want to be more creative and this isa good reason to make something and showcase what little skills I have.

And third, I’d really like to set up an editorial calendar. I do my best to post everyday, and for being new to all of this I think I’m doing really well, but I admit it’s hard to come up with ideas everyday. If I could have post ideas laid out in advance than I think I could not only wrote more easily but write better and more interesting content.

Surprise bonus goal #4 is to narrow my blogging focus. I’ve only been blogging for 7 or 8 months and at first I didn’t really know what direction I wanted to go in. I’ve been pretty random lately just trying to find a voice and figure out how all of this works. I like to think I have a better handle on things now and I think it’s time I focused more on exactly what it is I want to say here. I’ll be making a list of topics I’d like to cover and doing my best to stick to it.

Outside of this blog I’d like to try to take it easier this week. I’m still working on trying to quit smoking so I want to keep the stress levels as low as possible. I won’t be able to control everything but I can control my reactions, I just have to remember to relax and breathe.

I hope you all have a great week. I wish you luck in everything you want to accomplish. Remember to stay mindful and look for the good in every moment.

If We Were Having Coffee

If we were having coffee I’d tell you I’m sorry I’m a little later than usual. I’m taking advantage of the first lazy day I’ve had in a long while. Me and my lady slept in until we felt too guilty and had to get up. I plan to spend the day doing as little as possible before we’re back at work tomorrow. My girlfriend has been especially exhausted and overworked and I just want to take care of her and make things as easy on her as I can. I have been doing my best all week but unfortunately I can’t take on her work load so I am not as much help as I wish I could be.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you it had been a long week, and a long weekend too. I think I tell you that every week but long does not mean bad here. It was actually a pretty good week, just long. I have another long week ahead of me again but very soon I will get a break. The last week of October is fall break for the schools so that means I am off. I plan to work a few hours a day helping out but it will be on my own time. I will have much more time for writing and for art. I’m going to work on cleaning up this blog a bit and getting some drafts written of all the things I want to say. I am trying to gear up for NaBloPoMo next month.

If we were having coffee I’d tell I’m also working on learning to use the Paper app by Fiftythree. I first downloaded the app about a year ago and while I thought it was cool I really didn’t have much use for it. Now that I’m trying to be more creative I think it would be a great tool to work in everyday. I also found that now there is a sharing element too. They call it Mix and it allows you to share your art as a sort of template. Then other people can use it as an inspiration and remix it, make it their own. They also have a nifty-neato stylus made specifically for the app that looks pretty cool too. Mine will be here on Tuesday!

If we were having coffee I’d tell you that I failed miserably to quit smoking last week. I feel bad but feeling bad doesn’t help me quit so I’m going to stop feeling bad and try again. Today is my new quit date and tomorrow will be my first test. No cigarettes. I have installed apps and I have signed up to have encouraging texts sent to my phone to remind me not to give in to the cravings. I get bored easily at my job and smoking helps pass the time. The days drag on too and it helps to have a cigarette to break up the day. I have to find new ways to get through my days now.

If we were having coffee I’d ask you to please wish me luck in the week ahead, it’s going to be a rough one. I have this blog, I have my Paper app, I have a log book to write in, and I have all of you, my dear readers, to help me get through it. I have you all to talk to and I have you all to hold me accountable too. Thank you for listening, and being here with me.

Saturday Reads: Posts I Loved from Around the Web

Sentance First – Non-life-threatening unselfconscious hyphens

Happy the reader who is unselfconscious about hyphens. Or is it unself-conscious? Un-selfconscious? […] Even un-self-conscious has its advocates.

I had never really concidered hyphens. I don’t think I use them very often but maybe that is because I shy away from those words. I never know if I am putting the hyphen in the right place of if there should even be a hyphen at all! This post cleared up a lot of my confusion and I don’t feel so afraid anymore.

High Times – What Happens When You Eat 1000Mg of THC?

What’s the most potent marijuana edible you’ve eaten? Most people I’ve asked have said 250-500mg the most they’ve had, and they said it was strong enough to knock them out. Few weeks ago, I was dared to eat a Kushie Kandy 1000mg Thin Mint chocolate bar.

So for those of you who don’t know I live in Colorado and marijuana is kind of a big deal here. It’s legal for both medical and recreational use and it’s about as easy to get as a pumpkin spice latte is right now. There has been a bit of controversy around the edibles industry though. Edibles are food items, usually candies or pastries, that contain THC. They thing is the concentration of THC in these edibles can be VERY high and it’s very easy to overdose. But the question is, what happens when you overdose on THC? Spoiler alert: you don’t die, you just sleep a lot.

The Good Men Project – Better Than You Found It

“Think about this–what if you committed to leaving everything that you touch a little better than how you found it?”

As a person who is trying to live a positive life and who wants to spread the positivity around this post really spoke to me. The idea had occurred to me previously but someone else wrote it first. Leave the every room you enter and every person you encounter better than you found them.

You Don’t Need a Winter Romance: The Case Against Cuffing Season

What was once just some millennial shorthand to describe a well-known pastime of dating behavior—our tendency to long for a relationship more as the air around us gets colder—has now become the pumpkin spice latte of dating mores.

Ahhh cuffin’ season. It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Actually I wouldn’t know I haven’t ever participated but I do enjoy the jokes and memes on twitter and tumblr lol!

The Guardian – My baby will be mixed race. So why did I automatically think of him as ‘black’?

I picked a black baby to represent my unborn child on a cake because of my own adherence to the ‘one-drop rule’

I was interested in this story because of my own history with racism and the “one-drop rule”. Growing up I never even considered myself white, and nobody else did either. My mother told me that the government considered me black and that all of society probably did too. She told me I could identify as whatever I wanted but that “one-drop” of African-American blood made me black.