I Never Learned to Drive

I am 29 years old, and I never learned to drive. This is the first time that I have publicly admitted this. I am very embarrassed about it, but I decided to finally open up and say it out loud because today I am taking the first step to finally moving forward and becoming a real adult. Today I am taking my permit test.

See, my parents never taught me how to drive as a teenager. When I tried at 17 to get my permit for the first time, I found out my eyesight was too bad to drive, and I needed glasses. My mother took me to get glasses, but she never took me back to the DMV to take the permit test. Shortly after that, I moved out and without a car, I saw no need to get my license.

My girlfriend, whom I met around that same time, got her license and drove us everywhere. We were only 17 years old and with her being a new driver I didn’t feel like she was exactly qualified to teach me. It was about this time that I started to get more and more afraid of driving a car. Many people I knew were getting in accidents, and I always thought “man, if they KNOW how to drive, and they got into an accident, then me, someone who is just learning, is bound to get in an accident….and die!”

As the years went by I got more and more afraid and started to feel like I would just never learn. When I was 20, my dad had finally had enough of me stalling and tried to teach me how to drive a stick shift. It was so frustrating that I ended up crying, and he ended up yelling, and we both gave up. I felt like I just couldn’t do it. I was just too stupid and scared to learn how to drive.

For the past 12 years of my relationship with my girlfriend, she has been the sole driver. It has caused a lot of frustration and fights between us but I still just couldn’t get over my fear. I felt so bad knowing she was the only one who could do the grocery shopping and run the errands. I hated knowing that if something happened to her, I couldn’t even get her to the hospital. The fear just kept growing, though, and it felt impossible for me to drive without having an emotional breakdown.

Then Chardonnay got a promotion at work and her hours changed. She is working long hours and is too tired to work all day and still do the grocery shopping and run the errands. It is time for me to step up and face my fear and finally learn how to drive. Last weekend we went out to an empty parking lot so I could start practicing. It went ok, at least I think it did. I did cry, though. I cried because I was frustrated I couldn’t park the car right. I cried because I was embarrassed. I cried because I felt like a loser who didn’t deserve the awesome girlfriend who has put up with my fear and is now trying to help me get over it.

I had my cry then I tried again. I tried again and again and again. I will keep trying too. I have to do this for her, but more importantly, I have to do this for myself. For too long I have carried this fear and felt like less of a person because I can’t do something that seems so simple for other adults. I have to do this so that I can move forward in my life and finally feel like I can help and contribute in my relationship. I have to do this so that I can feel be more independent, be more whole.

I will keep you all posted on how it goes. I wrote this so that you all can hold me accountable. Once I say out loud to the world that I am going to do this, I have to do it. I can’t tell others to face their fears without first facing mine. I can’t tell others to keep trying and never give up when I can’t do the same.

So, wish me luck everyone! I hope each of you can face the fears inside of yourselves too. Do the thing you have never been able to do!

Until next time, good vibes. :)


For You Dear Reader

I am here for you dear reader. I am here for you when you need advice or a shoulder to cry on. I am here for you when you feel alone and small. I am here for you even when you are bored and just wanting to say hello. I am here for you dear reader whenever you are reaching out to find a way in life and need a brief companion for your journey.

I want to get to know you as much as I want you to know me. I want you to know you are special and wonderful and you deserve love and joy. I know that life is hard and finding a place to be content and safe is not easy. I am looking for the same things you are and I want to do the work and show you what is possible. I want to show you there is more than suffering and pain.

Life is a crazy thing and we none of us know why we are here but we do know we only get one shot to do things the best we can. There can be meaning and purpose if you look for it but it is found within each of us, not from outside. The universe has nothing to say about whether you go this way or that so choose the way that feels right for you.

I am here for you dear reader. I am here for you when you don’t know which way to go or what is right or wrong. I want you to see inside yourself and know what you want. I want you to make your decisions consciously and wisely. Do not go through life on auto pilot. Do not go through life with your eyes down, placing one foot in front of the other until the end. Look up! Look around! Find the path that is yours and follow it. I am here with you dear reader, with my eyes up, looking around. I am here choosing the path that is right for me too.

Prompt via WordPress’ Blogging 101 course. The idea was to write a post to your dream reader, and my dream reader is YOU! Thank you for reading, and please, leave me some feedback in the comments. I am always trying to improve. :)

How I Built a Writing Habit

I’ve wanted to start a blog for as long as I can remember having the internet. Over the years I started many but I had issues with people I knew reading about my innermost feelings and angst. Many of the blogs I started ended because someone I knew found out about my blog. The more recent ones failed because I knew what I wanted to say but not how to say it. I never thought I needed to know how to write, i thought I could just do it. Oh how wrong I was! I didn’t know the first thing about how to write anything!

Years ago I found a website called 750 Words that has helped me tremendously in building a better writing habit and learning how to write better. I read about how every writer should be writing three pages a day, which amounts to about 750 words. I have written about the site before and I highly recommend it to everyone who wants to practice writing. I am sad to say that it is no longer free though.

I’ve long been inspired by an idea I first learned about in The Artist’s Way called morning pages. Morning pages are three pages of writing done every day, typically encouraged to be in “long hand”, typically done in the morning, that can be about anything and everything that comes into your head. It’s about getting it all out of your head, and is not supposed to be edited or censored in any way. The idea is that if you can get in the habit of writing three pages a day, that it will help clear your mind and get the ideas flowing for the rest of the day. Unlike many of the other exercises in that book, I found that this one actually worked and was really really useful.

– Excerpt from 750 Words explaining what the website is about.

There are two things I like about the site. One is that it keeps track of how many days in a row you have been writing and tells you what your streak is. The longer your streak is the more you want to keep going. Losing a significant streak, let’s say 50 or 100 days, really makes you feel crappy. So writing becomes more and more of a priority and you work harder and harder to fit it in to your schedule and get it done.

The second is that it is completely private. You can practice everyday and never have to worry about someone reading it. I use this a lot to free write about a topic I’d like to blog about. I free write there where no one can read it and I say whatever I want. Then I will often copy and paste it into the WordPress editor and edit and add images. Bam! A new post. Easy peasy!

If you are unwilling to pay for access to 750 Words the same thing can be accomplished with any word processing program, Microsoft Word or even Google Docs, a calendar, and a red marker. This article on Lifehacker explains the idea but basically everyday that you just sit down and write. Everyday after you write, you put a read X over the date. After you have a few days you have built a chain. Don’t break the chain!

I do have to warn you though, if, or maybe I should say when, you do break the chain it is very hard to get started again. I was working on a 100 day streak and I messed up and forgot to write one day. I was 60 days in and I was devastated! Al that hard work I had done was lost! That’s how I felt at first. That’s how I felt for almost a month!

I finally decided to try again and I realized even though I had broken the chain I had learned something. My writing was better and it was getting easier. Now when I mess up and I break the chain I will start again right away! The point is to make writing something that comes easier and easier. The only way to do that is to practice. I still don’t consider even consider myself a writer, let alone a good writer, but I am getting better everyday. I just have to remember, don’t break the chain!

Image via @ Fran Efless

Prompt inspired by the twist in today’s assignment on WordPress’ Writing 101 course. The twist was to You’ll commit to a writing practice. The frequency and the amount of time you choose to spend today — and moving forward — are up to you, but we recommend a minimum of fifteen uninterrupted minutes per day. Because I already have a god writing habit I decided to write more about that instead and possibly help other new bloggers.

The Zen Paradise in My Bathroom

I am supposed to write something about a place I’d want to be whisked away to but the Zen way to think of things is to be mindful and grateful wherever you are. The Zen way is to appreciate the place I am in in this moment. Thinking about this I decided to write about a place no one thinks of when they are asked where they’d want to go. A place that no one thinks of when they think of Zen. The place I found my paradise is my upstairs bathroom.

This may seem a little weird but please give me a moment to explain. Due to the fact that I need a quiet space to mediate in the mornings and the fact my girlfriend is also getting ready for work in the mornings, she suggested that I meditate in the bathroom after my shower. Well, it wasn’t ideal but it was quiet and secluded, so I gave it a try. After my shower I threw on my robe and I did a few other things to put off the meditation because I was nervous. Eventually, after several minutes of procrastination I decided I just needed to do this before I ran out of time. If I didn’t I would just be disappointed in myself.

The bathroom was still humid but it was comfortably warm from the hot shower water that had been running. I grabbed a towel, one of the old ratty white ones we’ve had since forever ago, and folded over a few times until it was just the right size to put on top of the toilet and use as a cushion. I grabbed my headphones and sat on my towel cushion and pressed play on the first session of my guided meditation videos.

The instructor in my ears started by asking my to just breath in and out while my eyes were open. I wasn’t supposed to be looking at anything in particular. Just maintain a “soft focus” and take in the room around me. I looked around our tiny bathroom and realized it that as much as I hated that room it reflected mine and my girlfriends lives quite nicely.

The whole thing needed to be updated and redone but after 4 years of living in this old house we still hadn’t worked on it. The walls were a very ugly pink color that I refer to as “darker Pepto-Bismol”. The floor is old linoleum that, no matter how many times we mop and bleach, never looks quite clean. The counter to my left is cluttered with various lotions, cleansers, and other beauty supplies. The place is a mess, but so are we, and for some reason we like it this way.

Now the instructor in my ears is telling my to continue breathing and listen to the sounds around me. Background sounds are normally regarded as nothing but distraction that needs to be tuned out but for now I need to listen to them. I close my eyes slowly and listen to the house outside the bathroom. I hear my girlfriend in the living room. I hear the beeping sounds coming from the TV telling me she is about to put on some music. I smile because I can see her in my minds eye, tired and beautiful, focused on starting her day.

I hear the kittens in the spare bedroom, whining to get out. The bedroom is next to the bathroom so I hear the quite clearly. One of them, probably the more outgoing female is jumping at the door. She knows the handle is used to open it but without thumbs she’ll never get it open.

I hear other things too. I hear the dryer downstairs in the laundy room just below me. That room reflects us too. It’s still unfinished, just bare insulation and concrete. the washer and dryer are very nice though. I put my clothes in every morning to get the wrinkles out. I hear the furnace kick on too from the other side of the unfinished laundry room. It is set to turn the heat on when we wake up but I haven’t changed the time since our old schedule last year. I will probably never get around to changing it because our lives are a mess and nothing works the way it should and we like it this way.

The instructor in my ears tells me to scan my own body now and feel myself breathing. In and out, in and out, I fell my body rise while I sit atop the toilet and I think very quickly that this must look so silly. To see a person in a robe sitting on a toilet with head phones in just sitting there, eyes closed and breathing. Yes, it must look very silly. The voice in my ears tells me that it is normal for my mind to wander but I need to gently refocus my mind on my body. Where is my tension? Which way am I leaning? Don’t change it, just feel it. I do as it says and I feel every part of myself. My legs and feet are feeling tingly, I should’t have sat this way.

Breathe, just breathe. And then I feel it. I can’t explain it but I was relaxed and my mind was empty just for a moment there. When the session ends I get up and I feel better. Somehow my mind just feels lighter, more clear. I get ready and I am early, even with having taking the extra 10 minutes to meditate. I haven’t forgotten anything either. I don’t know if it was just a fluke or if those few minutes in my crappy bathroom really helped me refocus. Guess I will just have to keep at it and see.

Do you meditate? If so, when and where? How does it make you feel after?

Image via Headspace, the app I am using to learn how to mediate. The program is called “Take 10”. It consists of 10 individual session, each 10 minutes. I’m hoping at the end of the 10 days I will be meditating with ease.

The prompt is via the WordPress Writing 101 course. The idea was to think of a place, any place I’d like to be whisked away to and describe it. I think the goal was to get better at covey a setting in such a way that the reader could picture the place. I don’t know if I’ve accomplished that here, but I was definitely inspired by the prompt.

A Bit of Free Writing About Myself and Why I Am Here

I am one of those difficult people. I feel things deeply and I overthink everything. I talk a lot and in my mind everything leads to everything else. I exhaust people. I love hard and my relationships can get intense and dysfuntional. I’m moody too. One minute I am happy and joking, the next my feelings are hurt and I am embarassed and angry. I love to laugh and I often take jokes too far. I’m not good at knowing when enough is enough and I can be irritating. More than anything I want to be seen. I want people to look at me and see who I am.

I also have a tendancy to be the complete opposite of what I think I am. I have a tendancy to be the oppposite of what I was just yesterday. It is hard to get to know me although many people think they do. I overshare and tell people things about myself they wouldn’t want to know. I think I do this because no one suspects someone who overshares of having secrets. I have many though and they are buried deep. There is one person who knows me better than anyone though and I’m not even sure how well she knows me. I’m not sure how well I know myself. I want the world to see me but i don’t even know who I am.

I want to change. I want to be better and more open. I want to tell my story and heal. I want to show others the world that I see. I want everyone to be a little more like me. Don’t we all want that though? Everyone should be more sensitive. Everyone should love everyone else just a little more. Everyone should talk more and try to understand each other a little better. I think that is the path to a better world. Undertsanding, empathy, and love. See the whole world, the whole universe, understand it, and love it. This is the only life you get. It’s time we share our secrets and see each other for who we all are.

I guess that is what I want to do here. I want to see and be seen. I want to connect everything and love the universe and show you how to do the same. I’m not sure how to do that yet but I know my focus has to narrow. I want to write more about philosophy and science. I want to write about current events and the suffering I see. I want to write about how my heart hurts for myself, my family, and all of you. I want to write about things that are real that no one can see, and the things that aren’t real that rule over each of us.

There is so much to say but I never know where to begin. When ever it is time to begin my mind draws a blank. I thought the words would come easily but they don’t. I have to work harder and remember the things I need to say. I hoped maybe with practice the words would come easier, and in a way they have, but not in the way that I thought. There is no magic, it is work, but after the work comes the magic, when people see you and tell you so. I want more of that and I’d like to give it in return. The goal is community and learning for learnings sake.

One day, if enough magic happens, and if enough ideas present themselves to me, maybe there could be a book. A book about everything. A book about me and you and all of us and how we aren’t exactly something, but we aren’t nothing either. We are freer than we think and we can mean something to ourselves and each other. One day we will all be forgotten but the ripples we create can change the future. I believe in postive vibes. I believe giving one smile can create two. I believe in paying it forward and never expecting anything in return. I believe that, and much more, is the way to happiness and a better world.

I tried to combine both the Blogging 101 and Writing 101 prompts today. I did a bit of free writing and I wrote a bit about myself and why I blog. Theres was minimal editing. Only paragraph spacing and spelling.

If We Were Having Coffee

If we were having coffee I would tell you that I have been feeling much better. Last time we got together I was feeling so tired and emotionally drained from work. This past week things have settled down a bit and I am finding more time for writing. I still need to get better at coming up with ideas ahead of time then writing and scheduling my posts for the next day or two out. That way I am not scrambling to post at optimal times the day I also I have to write the post.

I think my blog is doing well and I very much enjoy the community on WordPress. I wish I knew other bloggers in real life who I could talk to. I’m not blogging anonymously but I haven’t told many people about it either. I like that strangers read my work and not friends and family. I wouldn’t want to talk about it very much. I’m not confident enough yet for that. I am trying to comment more and get to know other bloggers online though. That is the goal now, and to grow and write more in depth pieces.

I also joined both the Writing 101 and Blogging 101 courses being offered over at Daily Post. I did them before but I didn’t finish them. I am going into them with more confidence this time and I think I will do better this time around. I am excited for the community aspect of it. It means more feedback and chances to improve. I never thought I would like blogging as much as I do. I’m not even sure exactly what it is I enjoy so much considering it can be a very frustrating at times. I guess it’s just knowing that I am putting a part of myself out there and trying to be better.

If we were having coffee I would tell you that I am also going to start meditating in the mornings. I have been wanting to for a very long time but it is hard for me to find time to be alone. I am working a lot and when I am at home I spend as much time as I can with Chardonnay. I feel like I can really say I am trying to be more Zen when I’m not even meditating! So I am going to wake up 10 minutes earlier than usual (which is actually on time) to meditate first thing in the morning. I figure before work is a good time. I struggle so much in the mornings. I wake up and rush around and forget something everyday. Clearing my mind before I do anything will hopefully help.

I downloaded an app called Headspace that offers a 10 day course to teach you to meditate. Each session is 10 minutes a day and you can even download them and listen to them whenever you want. Headspace offers a lot more, some things you have to pay for a subscription to access, which I don’t really want to do. I’m just going to start with the “Take 10” program and see what happens. I’ll let you know too.

If we were having coffee I would tell you that I have gotten back into learning all math Khan Academy. I got busy and took a break for a week. Then I got discouraged and quit for a week. I got stuck on 6th grade dividing fractions by fractions word problems….sigh. I felt so stupid! This was 6th grade stuff and I just couldn’t get it! After I was suffiently dissappointed in myself for quiting I got back to it and was finally able to get through it. I’m still not sure I fully understand it but I understand how to get the right answer. I was very proud of myself but I am still mad I was stuck on it at all.

I am about 67% through 7th grade now and my progress is starting to slow a little. It’s been over 10 years since I was in school and I have forgotten a lot. I have also realized that even though I made it to 10th grade as a teenager, middle school is when I stopped doing the work. I do know a lot of this stuff and what I don’t I am picking up fast, just not as fast as I thought I would. I think I realized that I’m not as smart as I thought I was. That sounds sad but that thought just gives me more motiation to learn more! I hope to finish the 7th grade stuff this week and 8th next week. I am currently 42% done with 8th grade.

So that’s whats going on with me. If we were having coffee I would very much want to hear how you were doing too. Let me know in the comments and until next time, good vibes everyone.

Saturday the 13th

I woke up this morning and realized we almost had a Friday the 13th this month. The days were off by one and so Friday the 12th and Saturday the 13th. I was a little bummed by this is because I love Friday the 13th’s!

Thirteen has always been my favorite number. I don’t believe it’s lucky or unlucky, I don’t really believe in luck at all. I just like that 13 seems a little different. I like that it is a prime number and it is the smallest prime where when the numbers are reversed (31) you get another prime! I also like that 13 is the 7th Fibonacci number. Seven is my second favorite number. Thirteen is also a happy number. :)

I was born on April 13th and every so often my birthday falls on a Friday. When that happens people have always tell me it’s was bad luck or bad ju-ju or whatever but I’ve never had anything bad happen. I love when my birthday falls on a Friday because everybody is talking about it and it makes the day even more special. The next time my birthday will be on a Friday should be in 2018. Four years from now….sigh.

This year we only had one Friday the 13th, back in June. It was also the time of the “strawberry moon”. A full moon falling on a Friday the 13th is rare so it was kind of a big deal! Every Friday the 13th I plan to get a tattoo but I’d never gone through with it. But because this past Friday the 13th was so special I found a tattoo shop that was doing Friday the 13th tattoos for $13 (+ $7 mandatory tip). Now behind my right elbow there is a 13 with two arrows for a very hipster Friday the 13th celebration.

So yeah, I am a bit obsessed and realizing that we were one day off made me a little sad. I guess Saturday the 13th is just as good right? Today is still my favorite number :)