I Quit, but I’m Starting Again Now!

At first I told myself I was just taking a break. I had family in town and I was working and trying to blog, and write, and draw everyday and it all just got to be too much. I didn’t take a break, I quit. By the time I was honest with myself and admitted that I had quit I was already carrying a heavy load of guilt and disappointment. I had gone weeks without writing or drawing anything and it felt like it was too late to try again.

Then I told myself I needed to figure out what went wrong so that I could get back on the horse and start again without getting overwhelmed. I didn’t do that either. I just kept on quitting. I knew I just needed to keep trying but everything felt so difficult. Every time I would sit down to write I would just browse Facebook or Pinterest instead. I read other blogs and thought about how I could never write as well as them. I looked at other people’s artwork and wished I was talented and motived too.

Then a few things changed.

The first thing was a more gradual change. Slowly, then all at once, I realized me and my girlfriend are happy. If you read my past post on the history of our relationship you know that we haven’t always been happy together. We were always in love, that never changed, but we didn’t know how to be in a relationship. I feel like in this past year, and more so in the past six months or so, we have really found our flow together. Communication has been wonderful, we have been closer and more intimate than ever, and we just feel this glow, this bubble, of love and acceptance around us. Basically everything has just felt….good! It’s like we are teenagers in love again but this time we are doing it right!

Then my girlfriend got a big promotion. She has worked so hard over the years and they finally recognized her for it. I am very proud of her and I know she will do great in her new position. It will be a lot of responsibility but I know she can do it! This also means we will have more money coming in and that could mean I might not have to work as hard. It could mean I could set aside more time for art and writing. Not that I want to work a whole lot less, just maybe I don’t have to sacrifice all of my time and energy for my job. Maybe I could have a bit more time for the things I love.

The last thing thing that changed were my goals. I started this blog with the intention of expressing myself but other than that I had no idea where I was going with this. Now I think I need to be more useful to the world. I need to be able to teach something. I’m not entirely sure what that is yet but I think the direction I’m heading for is more of a philosophical one with a bit of life hacking and self improvement thrown on top. I want to be a better person but I don’t know exactly what that better person looks like yet but instead of just sitting around and thinking about being a better person, I want to actually do some experimenting and figuring out what being a better person means.

I also want to make life easier and more enjoyable. I want to cut out all of the crap and actually really start being happier and healthier. I want to manage my money better. I want to stop procrastinating and being fearful. I want to get things done and go on adventures. I want to get involved with social issues and volunteer and protest. I want to leave something behind when I die. I really think that now is the time when me and my girlfriend can really start figuring out what we want out of life instead of just doing the same old work, home, sleep routine.

So I am back. I am writing and I am coming up with ways to make some big changes in my life. I feel good, I feel happy, and I feel hopeful. Good vibes everyone!

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Just A Few of My Favorite Songs

Maroon 5 – Sunday Morning

This song was the only one I immediately knew should be included in the list. It’s not so much the song, although it is good, it is the fact that I heard it so much during the first years of me and my girlfriend’s relationship. We were about 16 or 17 at the time and we would spend HOURS up in her room listening to the Maroon 5 album “Songs About Jane”. This song was my favorite and it was often playing when we woke up on Sunday mornings after she had snuck me into her parents house to secretly spend the night. Now whenever I hear it I think of feel young and carefree, and I fall in love for the first time again too.

Lupe Fiasco – Lamborgini Angels/ITAL (Roses)/Audubon Ballroom

I have been a fan of Lupe Fiasco for a long time now. the first song I heard was “” and I was hooked instantly. Here was a rapper whom I felt was really trying to say something about the world. This wasn’t an artist who only wanted to make money from “club hits”, he wanted to raise the global consciousness, I can dig that. I also found that the things he was saying were things I thought about and could relate to too. He was rapping for black people who wanted to do better.

About a year ago he released a 13-minute, three part video for three songs off of his 4th album “Food & Liquor 2: The Great American Rap Album Pt. 1.” The video is chock full of stunning imagery and subliminal messages and….You know what, just watch the video, I can’t explain it all.

Jake Bugg – Two Fingers

So I kiss goodbye to every little ounce of pain
Light a cigarette and wish the world away
I got out, I got out, I’m alive and I’m here to stay
So I hold two fingers up to yesterday
Light a cigarette and smoke it all away
I got out, I got out, I’m alive and I’m here to stay

This song is one of my newer favorites. I heard it while browsing playlists and radio stations on Spotify. The song really spoke to me. I think it obviously is about someone who has escaped and overcome a hard life. Whenever I hear it I think of my past and how rough it was for me growing up and how I got out! I got out, I’m alive, and I’m here to stay! The song is encouraging but at the same time it’s honest. He talks about drinking and smoking and dark places in his own head, reminds me a lot of myself and my own thoughts and habits.

These are just a few of my favorite songs. I have A LOT! I’d love to hear what you think of them. Or maybe tell me the names of a few of your own favorites! I’d love to check them out. might find a few new ones to add to my list. :)

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Longing for a Place I Can Barely Remember

I read the Writing 101 prompt this morning and at first I thought it sounded very simple. The challenge is just to think about where you would go if you could go anywhere in the world. It could be a place you have been before or a place you want to visit. I’ve been asked this question before, I think we all have, but for some reason I can never really think of an answer. Not a typical one anyway.

There are plenty of places I want to go, plenty of things I around the world I want to see but none of them are anymore important than any of the others. The only thing that matters in my future travel plans is that my girlfriend is with me. Looking back into my past there aren’t many places I have been that I feel a strong desire to go back to either. In fact, the only place I can think of is a place I barely remember.

When I was very young, maybe around 3 or 4 years old, we lived in Virginia. I remember the weather was nice there. I remember we lived in a townhouse and it was nice too. So were the neighbors and she kids I played with. I don’t know much about what was going on in my family during that time but my parents used to fight a lot. I was still an only child then and maybe a bit spoiled or maybe just still in that perfectly innocent stage of childhood where you are only ever upset when your immediate needs aren’t met.

The last time I can remember ever feeling that perfect innocence was on a family trip to the beach. God, I barely remember that day. All I have are bits and pieces and a feeling, a knowledge, that that day was a good day! I bet my mom was smiling and her and my dad got along, no yelling, no name calling. I bet my mom played with me in the sand. I bet she hugged me and kissed me too. I remember we collected seashells in a plastic yellow bucket and I’ve always wondered whatever happened to that bucket. Man, I wish I had those seashells right now.

I don’t remember ever having another day like that again. We did fun things after that of course, but I was starting to realize that my parents fought more than other parents did. Then my mother was going to have another baby and suddenly I wasn’t an only child anymore. Then my father was leaving and I missed him and wanted him to come home. I wasn’t innocent anymore. Everything after that was clouded by all of the shit the adults around me would do and teach me, for good or bad.

So if I had to chose a place to go to, I would hope you would let me chose the time too, and I would chose that day, so many years ago, and on that beach in Virginia. The last time I felt like part of a real family, and the last day I remember before I had to start growing a thick skin and a strong back to carry the weight of the world.

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Beginning Writing 101

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Was excited to start this Writing 101 thing today but I’m not sure how i feel now. Today’s assigment is free writing. I am not good at free writing. You’d think I’d be good at by now considering i do it everyday but no, I still get stuck. When i do I usually just writing nonsense or hop from topic to topic saying whatever is in my mind. If there is nothing in my mind I write that there is nothing in my mind. I write things like “I can’t think of anything”, “my mind is empty”, “I never know what to write”, “what am I going to write?”, and so on, until something happens, something to write about.

Right now Chardonnay, my girlfriend, is getting ready for bed. She knew about the writing challenge and she asked me earlier if I had done it, I told her I would do it before bed and here I am sitting in bed writing hoping to get done in time to be able to kiss her and hold her before she falls asleep.

She is awesome though, for remembering that I had a writing challenge starting today. I know she has been busy at work and she was very tired and she managed to remember this small thing about me. Well, not small but something that I wanted to do and she wanted to make sure I remembered to do it. She know I worked hard today and she knows my memory is bad and even worse lately since I have been taking the Gabapentin. She knows she needs to remind of things, even the things that are important to me. Just now before I started writing I asked her how does she put up with me. She gave me a smart-alecky answer but really I don’t know how she does it. Everyday I feel like my body is falling apart more and more and she does her best to help me. She knows I do my best too.She knows I love her more than anything but still, I know I am exhausting. She does so much and I will never be able to give back what she has put in. I hope she knows I give her my best though.

I am supposed to write for 20 minutes and Chardonnay is laying in the bed now. I am sure she is still awake and I hope these last few minutes go by quickly because as much as she loves me I know she will not tolerate the clickity-click of this keyboard for too much longer. I imagine she is doing her best not to say anything because she knows I want to get this done, she knows it is important. I just told her I am almost done, I am sure she is glad about that. I don’t think i will be doing anymore writing before bed, at least not in the bed.

We All Need #YesAllWomen!

I was late in finding out about the shooting that happened last Friday in Santa Barbara, California. I don’t have cable so I didn’t hear about it until the following Sunday. I am late in writing about it too but I wanted to try to find the right words. This post does not even begin to scratch the surface of how I feel about this as a woman but it is a start.

Immediately after I found out about the shooting I began scouring the internet for all the information I could find. I read a few articles about it. I found the 140+ page manifesto left by the shooter. I heard a few quotes. I found a few forums the shooter had frequented. I took to Twitter and followed the hashtag #yesallwomen and I even checked out the #notallmen hashtag as well. At the end of it all l found myself feeling very frustrated, pissed off, and scared.

I could only get through a tiny bit of the manifesto but I read a lot of quotes from it and I did check out some “He-Man Woman Hater’s Forums”. The things I read there were horrifying. There are actual real-life woman hating men in the world. To be honest part of me had to laugh a little, at first. From the safety of my couch I could let myself see them as spoiled brats and complete idiots. Complaining that they just could not understand why women just would not see them as the “alpha males” they were and flock to them with legs wiiiiiiide open. They could not see that any woman could sense their narcissism and assholishness from a mile away and probably avoid them at all costs.

After that I realized that this was no laughing matter. These men are angry and they are finding places to air perceived grievances and encourage each other in their hatred. These men are dangerous. They see women as nothing but prizes and property. Women are status symbols. They provide nothing but sexual gratification and ego boosts. These men feel like they are being denied their own manhood through women’s denial to hand over their bodies, and these men want revenge.

The whole thing was very triggering. I have been through traumatic experiences with men but what I found myself thinking of more than anything was all the little shit I have to put up with that men don’t. Which wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for the lack of understanding from so called “nice guys”. That is what is most frustrating and infuriating. Privileges aside, I truly believe there is not one woman in this world who does not understand how hard it can be to try to navigate a world run by men. I am grateful for the #yesallwomen movement, and I hope it continues. I hope this tragedy brings women together.

I have been thinking more about my own experiences with men recently and also my own failings as a feminist. I let jokes and degrading remarks slide in my presence because I don’t want to be the woman who “can’t take a joke”. I listen and coddle the men around me who I hear complaining that “women never want the nice guy”, or the are being “friendzoned”. I hear constant complaining about women being bitchy or who are “probably on their period”. I have tried to explain to men why these comments aren’t okay but I am always met with defensiveness and invalidation and I get tired.

I think I have a responsibility though. I need to be stronger and think of all women everywhere when I hear these things. I need to open the eyes of those around me, both men and women, to what is really going on in the world. I think I need to inspire others to change they way they think and act. We all need to stop and pay attention. We all need #yesallwomen!

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I Am Proud of Me!

I have been feeling really proud of myself lately. Not that I have done anything very big or very amazing but I am taking baby step forward. My goal has always been to get to a point where I can honestly say I am an artist and I am a writer. I don’t quite feel like I am there yet but I do feel a change happening in my mind. I feel myself seeing the world differently. Everything is an inspiration now.

I only struggle now to find a way to type out what is in my head or get a drawing i want to do down on paper. I am making progress though, I am getting there. I know now that the only thing holding me back is fear. Fear of failing, fear of finding out I have no talent, fear of being laughed at, fear of the “big unknown”. My fear left me paralyzed, but not anymore, now I take baby steps and I praise myself for every accomplishment and I learn everything I can from every failure and keep pushing forward.

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My first goal was to write 750 words a day. I forget sometimes, but I am getting better. I find it is better to write in the morning or early afternoon rather than at night. I have more energy and my fingers can skip across the keyboard almost as fast as my mind can think the words. I realized that through free writing there I often spill things from my mind that I barely knew were there. Next thing I know I have a few bits and pieces for a blog post.

I have also been trying to blog at least a few times a week. I admit I am still struggling to find a flow for this blog. I am still learning and I think I have made progress. I am at least writing often, almost daily. I started out wanting to write about society and the human condition and how to move toward a happier life, but now I think I might be heading in a different direction. Not an entirely different direction, just maybe not on as grand a scale as I had originally thought. Maybe this blog will just be about me and my little life for now. Maybe that will be enough.

Joining the #yearofcreativehabits challenge. I just started this but so far I love it. Crystal Moody’s blog has been so inspiring and she has a way of writing that makes the idea of starting a small, daily, creative habit seem like the the most exciting thing. She got me excited about it and I haven’t drawn anything in years! I’ve already done four consecutive days and as soon as I’m done typing this I will start on day five’s drawing. If you want to follow along I encourage you to check out her blog and Tag Board. If you are interested, you can see my drawings over on my Instagram.

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Even though I am just starting out and I barely know what I am doing or where I am heading with any of this, I am proud of myself. I am proud of myself for just doing something everyday. I never did anything before because it seemed like I just couldn’t but now I know I can. Through small changes, good habits, and a positive outlook who know where I could end up.

So readers, what I want to know today is, what do you think? What things are you all doing that you are proud of? Do you free write? If you are new to blogging how is it going for you? What do you think of my blog so far? And lastly, do you have and advice for me? I am always looking for some tips about writing, blogging, and creativity. Help a girl out!

Just a Quick Note…

I have just discovered Bloglovin and I am hooked! I like that I can follow blogs from different platforms and there are so many on there! I don’t really need yet another app to follow more people but I really like this one so I’m going to give it a shot. So if you want you can follow me over there and if your blog is also on Bloglovin leave a link in the comments and I’ll check it out.