Spring is here! Spring is here! March has come and gone, and spring is finally, finally, finally here. Of course, that doesn’t mean a whole lot here in Colorado. Our Spring feels more like Summer some days, and winter in others. It has snowed nearly every day for the past week and melted away every day too. Still, something in the air is different. The energy is back. The squirrels and geese are out, the trees are budding, and we’ve had thunder again, even during the snow storms.
I find easier to practice gratitude and mindfulness this time of year. This time of year makes me want to be present and to hold onto every day before it slips away. I always end up wishing winter away, and wishing summer would stay. I always end up losing half my year this way, but I hold on to more than most I think. I won’t beat myself up for it, not now anyway. For now, I am here, I am alive, and there is energy all around. I can’t wait to see what April will bring.
But first, here is what I am currently:
Writing blog posts and more blog posts, still. Tomorrow is the first day of the Blogging A to Z Challenge, and I am trying very hard to get a head start but, as usual, life is getting in the way. I have A thru C just about finished, and I have my titles and quotes all organized and ready for the rest. I just need to add my words. Exploring my theme has been exciting, and eye-opening too. I’m afraid it will come off too depressing, and I’m also afraid it won’t come off depressing enough. What I mean is I’m trying not to be too optimistic or pessimistic, I’m just trying to be real.
Making a mess. I’ve been gathering random supplies and scraps for more bookbinding projects and collages, but I haven’t actually made anything in weeks. My “creativity room” is overrun with wasted creativity and the room feels toxic. I can’t go in there. That pile is nothing but a reminder of my failure, and I can’t even begin to think of where to begin to use it or to clean it up. I think I need to purge. Less has always been more and creating with constraints has always sparked my creativity more than endless options or freedom ever has. A good Spring cleaning may just be exactly what I need.
Planning the wedding still, but there have been some setbacks. There have been some tears shed and so hard decisions made, and now the date has been pushed out to summer 2019. There is just too much the house needs and too much that my family needs for me to feel comfortable dropping large sums on venue deposits, catering, and decorations, but it’s important to us to have our big day so, the big day has to wait.
Anticipating my birthday! I believe that birthdays are a big deal and everyone should celebrate theirs, no matter how old you are, or how bad your year has been. A birthday is a celebration of your existence. You are alive! I am alive, and April is my month to celebrate and share that with everyone who means something to me. This year is a special one. This year my birthday falls on a Friday the 13th. and that means a new tattoo!
Reading The Odyssey by Homer, slowly but surely. I took a little break a few weeks ago to read Annihilation by Jeff Vandermeer. It was really, really good, and I hope to write a post about it very soon because I am absolutely obsessed. I had the best time with this book because I didn’t read it alone. My friend happened to become just as obsessed as me, and it made all the difference.
Watching Ray Donovan on Showtime. I’m bingeing all 5 seasons right, and it has been nothing but a distraction and a detriment to my progress on writing. I’m watching an episode right now and taking far too long to finish this post. I don’t possess the self-control to slow down or limit the number of episodes or hours I spend on the show. No, the best thing for me to do is to get through them as quickly as I can so I can get my life back.
I am also looking forward to the return of two of my favorite shows in April, Westworld on HBO, and Handmaid’s Tale on Hulu.
Reflecting on what it means to be a writer, and what it means to want to write a book. I read a quote recently from F. Scott Fitzgerald: “You don’t write because you want to say something, you write because you have something to say,” and I started thinking that maybe I haven’t quite gotten at what it is I have to say. I’m rethinking my plans, and reflecting on my lack of action and why. I’m reflecting on the purpose of this blog, and my journal, and where and how I collect ideas and inspiration.
Learning that I am capable of overcoming my fears. I’ve been trying to be more confident and to be useful, but my anxiety and my fear have been like a barrier I could never get over, until I had to. My girlfriend went out-of-town earlier this month and, admittedly, I fell apart, but I did everything I needed to do, on my own. I drove. The one thing I have been so afraid to do, to drive, I did it. To and from work, to and from the grocery store, to and from my mother’s house, I did it. I did it, and I’m going to keep on doing it. I’m not cured, but I’m close. I am so close!
Feeling a little scared. Since I have been driving and since we have been working on a budget and bringing our debt under control, things feel possible again. Projects around the house, trips, big wedding plans, job changes, and more. I have choices and with choices comes responsibility. I have to take action and accept the consequences if I don’t. SOme choices are ones I never thought I’d have and I find myself wholly unprepared for them. I’m excited, but I’m terrified too.
Fearing the results of some test my doctor ordered this week. I’m worried they will find that something is wrong, and I am even more worried that they won’t find anything at all. Something is wrong but what if they can’t figure it out? Or worse still, what if it’s all in my head?
Needing to be left alone sometimes. I am so grateful that so many people like me and want to spend so much time with me, but I am finding that people I love, and who know I need to write, force me to choose too often. I’ve had a few run-ins with close co-workers lately who know I spend my lunch hour with my headphones in and my laptop open to various drafts and projects, but they talk to me and monopolize my time. They call me grouchy and make me feel guilty for working on something for me, and it’s starting to get to me. I need people to understand more and support my needs and my boundaries.
Loving my snakes. Yes, I have two pet snakes, Delilah the grouchy Ball Python, and Ava the quickly growing Brazilian Rainbow Boa. They had been a bit neglected over the winter, but I’ve noticed they are becoming more active and aware as the weather warms up too. They will be getting a new shipment of frozen rats for this month, and their enclosures are going to get upgraded before the end of the year. I’m excited for them and looking forward to making them more comfortable and reestablishing trust with them.
Hating how little physical energy I have had lately. I never feel like I’ve slept enough and all I want to do is move from the bed to the couch and back to the bed. Some days showering feels like too much and some days I resent having to go to work, eat, clean, or interact with the world at all. I have a good hour or two a day where I feel somewhat normal, and I try to devote it to reading and writing, and to my girlfriend and dog who love me far more than I deserve, but other than that, I’m so tired.
Hoping that a little exercise, sunshine, and encouragement is all I need. I’m hoping it’s just depression. I don’t mean “just” as in “not a big deal”. I mean “just” as in “this is a problem I have been dealing with my whole life and possess some grasp on what to do to make it better.” I’ve accepted that depression will always be a part of my life, but I’m beginning to consider medication and therapy improve my quality of life. It’s hard to be like this, and it’s getting to me that I’ve gone as far as I can on my own. I’m strong, I know that, but I want to be strong enough to get help too.
All in all, March was a good month. This year has been good! Not always easy, not always happy, but good. I’m growing, and I am happy to find that age has no effect on that. Next month I’ll be 33, and I see no end to all I can learn and change about myself if I want to. March taught me that. March taught me I can do things I didn’t think I could.
But how about you? How did March treat you? Is it feeling like Spring where you are? What are you looking forward to in April? What are you afraid of? Are you participating in the Blogging A to Z Challenge too? If so let me know in the comments!
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The inspiration for these posts comes from Andrea at Create.Share.Love.