The Slumber of the Sloth

I hate to be the type to dilly-dally away
          I stay away from lethargy and listlessness
My mind runs a mile a minute and so do my hands
          I suffer from a chronic restlessness

I go
          and go and go
                              and go
And then all at once
          my body shuts down and the mood strikes to
                              sleep

Not a quick nap
          Not a full nights rest
                              I’m talking about the long slumbler of the sloth

I need laying up high
          hidden

I need days and days with
          no need
                              to speak and
          no need
                              to hear and
          no need
                              to move at any speed at all

I want to be still
          and slow
                              I want that green algae growing in my fur

I want to be quiet
          and deaf
                              I want not a care in the world

They say it is a sin
          to want to want to stop work
but when I think of the sloth
          I think he must be happiest animal in the world.

In response to Writing 201 assignment, Animal.

If We Were Having Coffee: Late Night Bailey’s Edition

If we were having coffee this late I would definitely be adding Bailey’s and some coconut cream. Trust me it’s delicious. We’d be having coffee this late because I am so very exhausted. Yesterday I got my chest worked on and I started at 4:45 pm and ended at about 11:30 pm, minus breaks it was about 6 hours of me getting stabbed with tiny needles. If we were having coffee this would probably be just about all I talked about.

I swear it has to be up there as one of the hardest and most painful things I’ve ever done. On top of that I had to lie perfectly still no matter how badly it hurt. The nerves on my chest we shot by the end but instead of being numb they were all active at once. I was in so much pain at the end I was shaking uncontrollably and I could barely think straight or hold anything in my hands. I was happy though :)

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If we were having coffee I would take this time to explain why exactly I have a large (and very expensive) octopus tattoo on my chest. See, octopuses* are my very favorite animals. A lot people think that is weird but that’s only because they don’t know how awesome octopuses are! If you are one of those people here are some facts you need to know:

#1. Octopuses are considered the most intelligent of all invertebrates. Scientific studies are increasingly confirming that they are sentient creatures.

#2. They have been observed using tools. In 2009, scientists reported they had watched veined octopuses (Amphioctopus marginatus) picking up discarded coconut shells and using them like mobile homes.

#3. They have been found to play with a ‘toy’ and to have individual responses and individual temperaments, with some scientists believing they have individual personalities.

#4. All octopuses are venomous, but only the small blue-ringed octopuses are known to be deadly to humans.

#5. Octopuses have three hearts. Two pump blood through each of the two gills, while the third pumps blood through the body.

#6. Octopuses have blue blood.

#7. Their suckers are extremely strong. Bigger ones can an hold up to 35 lbs. The suckers are also extremely sensitive; they can pick up subtle chemical signals and move individually, even folding in half in a pinching gesture.

#8. If all else fails, an octopus can lose an arm to escape a predator’s grasp and re-grow it later with no permanent damage.

You get the point, right? They’re awesome! The thing I think limits more people from seeing how awesome they are is the fact that they don’t live very long. Most live 3-5 years, some for only 6 months. Pretty much after mating they are done for. This also prevents us from studying them very well. Still though they are awesome!

My octopus is a particular one, a coconut octopus (or veined octopus). It’s my favorite because it uses coconut shells it finds on the ocean floor to make a sort of portable home for itself. It’s been observes holding two shells while walking along the ocean on two legs! I also love its color. This deep purple-ish red. Took my tattoo artist awhile to mix up some colors and match the pictures the best she could. I think she did well. She even got the yellow around the siphon.

If we were having coffee I’m sure you would be thoroughly bored with hearing about octopuses at this point. I would apologize for rambling on but I just so excited about these creatures and I am happy I have one of my own on my chest for life. By the way, I’ve decided it is a “she” and her name is Winifred, after the wife in The Shining. :)

I would probably stop now before you thought I was too crazy. I would of course want to hear about how you are doing. We might need refills on the coffee and Bailey’s now and maybe there could be some sort of sweet dessert too. I really hope you are well and you had a good week. If not I hope the next one is better.

P.S. My lady also got her tattoo worked on, here a bonus pictures of hers.

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P.S.S. In case you’re curious my artist’s name is Alissa and she works at Bound by Design. If you live in the Denver, CO area and want some work you should check her out.

*According to Grammarist.com Octopi is the supposed plural of octopus, but it is not exactly correct. I personally like octopi but for consistency I went with the correct pluralization, octopuses. Octopodes can also be considered correct but in my opinion sounds ugly.

An Open Letter To My Older Cat Who Keeps Freaking Out Because I Brought Home Kittens

Dear Sophia,

I get it! You hate the cute kittens I brought home. They are in your space, playing with your toys, and trying to eat your food, and none of that is okay. I give them attention that I used to give you and that isn’t okay either. I understand how you’re feeling, really I do, but I need you to calm the fuck down, please?

I think you have forgotten what you were like when I first brought you home 10 years ago. You were just as annoying and frustrating but I was patient with you and now I love you very much. It could be them same with them if you would just make an effort. One day they will calm down and stop chewing things and running around, just like you did. Please try to understand, they are young and wild, but they are family too.

I also think that if you would just relax, they would leave you alone. I know they would. That only try to push your buttons because they know they can. It is a game to them and you are letting them win! Also if you would just relax I would stop having to spray all of you with the water bottle for getting all worked up and hissing and being complete assholes to each other.

Look, I love you and that is never going to change. I still want to make time for you everyday but you have to accept that the kittens are going to be here now too. I can pet you and them. I can sit with you and them. We can all cuddle in bed together too. All you have to do is fucking relax.

From your loving owner,
Lisa61d4096e8a3011e1a39b1231381b7ba1_7

Pets I Want but Probably Shouldn’t Own

I love animals. I love all the animals. I am also impusive and get obsessed with things very easily. In the past, the combination of these traits has lead to some very bad pet choices. We’ve had parakeets, a guinea pig, a snake, and even the cats I currently have, all have been impulsive and questionable pet choices I have made.

My poor girlfriend has put up with all of them so far but even she has put her foot down recently and makes sure I don’t make any new pet choices without thinking them through first. The thing is I do think them through, it’s just that all the animals I want seem so easy to care for in my head. In reality though pets often turn out to be more time consuming and expensive than I imagine they will be. You would think I had learned my lesson but I never do. There are still some bad pet choices I would make if given half a chance.

The first pet that I want but probably shouldn’t own is a pig. I think pigs are awesome. Everything I have read has said they are highly intelligent and not at all the disgusting, smelly animals everyone thinks they are. They are also very stubborn and well, pig-headed. I don’t imagine you can make a pig do anything it doesn’t want to do. Therefore training, I’m sure, is probably very time consuming and intense. I weigh in at about 120 pounds TOPS, even a so called “miniature” pigs can weigh between 80 and 160 pounds! There is no way I can manage that.

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This is a bad pet for me because I probably cannot match the stubbornness of a pig. They are super cute and seem like a whole lot of fun….at first, but I can see myself giving up and letting the pig pretty much run my life. Plus I don’t think I have the space that pigs probably require to roam. Yeah very bad pet choice.

The second pet I want but probably shouldn’t own is bigger snake. I already have one snake, a ball python named Delilah. I love her very much but I admit trying to keep her temperatures and humidity right can be a pain. Luckily ball pythons a hardy snakes and she has put up with my errors and even thrived in the two years I have had her. In classic Lisa fashion though i am now obsessed. I want more snakes but if I am being honest with myself right now I’m not sure I couldn’t do it.

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Snakes are fun to take care of. Learning about them and how to care for them seems more like a hobby than pet ownership. There are not a whole lot of other pythons or boas who stay on the smaller side. Even ball pythons can reach 4 1/2 to 5 feet long but at least that is a size I can manage on my own. Some of the other snakes I’ve looked at are: Carpet pythons, which can reach up to 9 feet. Red tail boas, which can get as big as 10 feet. And blood pythons, which get to between 6 and 7 feet. The blood python might not sound so bad but they are very hefty snakes and can weigh in between 25 to 40 pounds!

These are all bad choices because I don’t really have the space in my house required to house these types of snakes. Also getting the proper equipment to keep these snakes happy and healthy can be very expensive, not to mention the vet bills when something goes wrong! On top of that at these sizes I would need a second person to help me handle them and I can’t ask my girlfriend to commit to something like that. Not again anyway.

The third pet I shouldn’t own is actually not as bad of a choice as the others. I so badly want to own a hedgehog. I’m not a fan of rodents in general (although I am not sure hedgehogs are actually rodents) but these little guys seem like lots of fun. I did some research this past weekend and the biggest drawback I see right now is that they require more space than I thought. A cage 4 feet x 2 feet at the least! Other than that they don’t seem so bad.

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The reason this is a bad pet for me is because I know I will get bored with it and I will hate cleaning the cage. I mentioned I owned a guinea pig awhile back and it was fun for the first two weeks, then it got to be a chore and I didn’t have the time to take him out and interact with him everyday like I should’ve. I ended up giving him to my sister and I am sure a hedgehog would get the same treatment.

The last pet I want but probably (read:definitely) shouldn’t own is a fox. Yes you read that right, a fox! Foxes are the cutest things in the world! They are like dogs but I imagine they are kind of like cats too, and full of personality. I read awhile back that in Russia (I think) there was a program where foxes were breed and domesticated and that there was a possibilty you could order one through them. I think the price was something like $8,000! There are places here in the US (again, I think) that you can buy foxes from but they are not domesticated, they are wild animals. I would want to at least try to ship a domesticated fox here but I don’t even know if thats legal in the state of Colorado.

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This is a bad pet for me because of all the reasons. Foxes, from what I understand would require much more time, space, and attention than I could ever give. I bet there isn’t even a whole lot of information out there about owning a fox concidering it isn’t a very popular pet choice. I don’t even know how I could find a vet or what kind of shots it needs. I would just get it because it was cool and cute and end up not being able to care for it right. This pet is probably the worst idea on my list!

So for now I will stick to my three cats, which are difficult enough, the one snake, and my houseplants. Maybe one day when I am a more responsible adult I can own one of my dream pets but I doubt that will be for a long while. I am sure my girlfriend will breathe a sigh of relief to hear I have come to this conclusion all on my own.