If We Were Having Coffee // A Confidence Boost and a Kick in the Ass

Good morning, happy Sunday, welcome and thank you, dear readers, for stopping by for a bit of coffee and catching up. I’m feeling a bit tired and a bit blah today but I’m hoping both will get me up, get me going, get me thinking and writing, doing the¬†things I really want to do.

And anyway, the sun is out and shining, and it’s far too beautiful a day to be wasted away on the couch or my phone, don’t you think? Yes, let’s get in another state of mind, a positive one that starts with a jolt of caffeine and a few¬†endorphins released between friends, shall we?

‚ÄúGood communication is just as stimulating as black coffee, and just as hard to sleep after.‚ÄĚ

‚ÄĒ¬†Anne Morrow Lindbergh


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that my lady is back home and I have been in a state of love and bliss ever since. Apparently, my friends and coworkers were quite concerned with me. I’m a bit concerned too, over how quickly I can fall apart without her.

To be fair, when you live and work with someone for over 13 years and spend every day talking with them, venting to them, bouncing ideas off of them, seeking and giving comfort, even a day or two apart can be really hard.

It was good though, for me to be on my own like that for a week. I did things I am usually not comfortable doing, and I did get a confidence boost I haven’t had in a while. I was brave, and I worked out problems on my own. I learned I’m much more capable than I believed I was before. And I think it’s been good for my relationship too.

For a long time the duties, responsibilities, and the dynamic between us has been pretty rigid. I feel more aware of what my girlfriend had been doing for us, and I am more aware of the possibility that there may be other things she’d rather be doing for us and things I can take over that she had been before. We can change, exchange, and reshape the roles that we had begun to think of as set in stone.


If we were having coffee, ¬†I would tell you that since she’s been back, we’ve had a lot of fun. I cooked‚ÄĒsomething I hate doing with a passion‚ÄĒa special dinner of¬†pasta carbonara¬†and shared a bottle of 19 Crimes red blend wine, my favorite. We caught up on all of our shows, watched a bootlegged version of Annihilation, which was really good, and got out to the theater to see A Wrinkle in Time, which was a little disappointing, to be honest.

Yesterday we went to Whole Foods, one of our “happy places” for lunch, and did a little thrift/antique store hopping. She scored a HUGE glass jar that I have no idea what she plans to do with, and I got a good deal on some vintage books: Romeo and Juliet and The Merchant of Venice by Shakespeare and The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorn.

Today we’re staying in‚ÄĒexcept for style grocery shopping and treating the dog to a to PetSmart trip‚ÄĒto catch up on housework, watch¬†The Shape of Water (also bootlegged), and to prepare for another busy work week.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I¬†had hoped to be back to blogging regularly by now, but I’m, obviously, not. I’m starting to feel properly disappointed in myself, but with the April A to Z challenge just around the corner, I’m hoping I will get the a just the metaphorical kick in the ass I need to get going.

I have a theme or three in mind and quite a few ideas for each, but I’m supposed to announce my theme tomorrow! I’ll be spending the rest of the day writing that, and trying to fill out the more difficult letters of the alphabet, “q,” “v,” “x,” etc.

I really want to make this year work. Last year I struggled through the first week and gave up. This year I’m keeping it simple and making the posts more personal. It’s easier to write what you know when you start with yourself, you know?


If we were having coffee, I would say that the sunlight seems to have shifted and the afternoon has brought clouds and cooler air blowing through the open windows, reminding me that the day is fading fast. Sadly, it’s time for me to go. I have so much left to do, and write, before tomorrow, so I thank you again for stopping by. I’ll say my goodbyes and wish you a wonderful rest of your weekend.

I hope you have been well and wherever you are you have enjoyed some sunshine and some time for yourself. I hope you have felt productive and proud of yourself, and if not I hope the coming week, you’ll see a change for the better.

Until next time.


Thanks for reading! If you like this post check out my weekly-ish newsletter for inspiring reads + existential musings on life, love, and inevitable human suffering. Or help support what I do by sharing a cup of coffee.

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash






If We Were Having Coffee // Getting Braver all the Time

Hello dear readers, happy Sunday, and thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and conversation. I’m a bit late, and I hope you will forgive me but the sun was shining, and the bookstore was calling, and I couldn’t resist a little trip before our coffee date.

The time change isn’t helping either. Turns out I didn’t have as much time as I thought I did and I’m later than I meant to be. On the bright side, the sun is still shining and saying we have plenty of daylight left for all the catching up we need to do, It’s still warm enough to warrant a cup of cold brew too!

‚ÄúI hereby arm myself for today with coffee and the willingness to be wrong.‚ÄĚ

‚Äē Audrey Assad


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this week has been a hard one. My girlfriend has been in Texas since Thursday evening and won’t be back until nearly mid-week, so I am all on my own, a state of being I have never been very good at. Yes, I know being on my own for a week isn’t the worst thing that can happen, but for a couple that spends almost all their free time together and has spent less than 10 nights apart in 13 years of living together, this is really fucking hard, and depressing! Even the dog is sad without her here.

Despite wanting to stay and bed and sleep the week away alone, I made sure to take care of myself. I showered. I got dressed. I cooked. I joined some friends for a Colorado Mammoth lacrosse game downtown, the first I’ve ever been to! And I faced my fear of driving and got myself to and from work, to the grocery store, to my mom’s house¬†(she’s also out-of-town, and I have to feed and care for her cats while she’s gone), and to Barnes and Noble all on my own.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that facing all that fear and anxiety has taken a real toll on my body. It’s hard enough trying to overcome a phobia but to do it with an autoimmune disease that can be triggered by stress. Still, I am trying to be brave and do it anyway, and even though I have made a ton of mistakes, somewhere deep down, I’m pretty sure I’m proud of myself.

I’m proud of myself for refusing to feel ashamed of my fear anymore. Shame is what stunted my progress more than anything else. I was so busy hiding I couldn’t drive in front of people or ask for help. When I let go of that shame, I found reassurance and compassion and learned I wasn’t alone. I’m proud of myself for learning to talk to people about it. I’m proud of myself for talking to you about it now, and I’m proud of myself for dreaming that there might be a chance I could join the rest of the adult world and become a driver’s license carrying member of society one day! Maybe even by my next birthday?


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that writing has not been going well at all lately. I’m trying, but nothing sounds right. Nothing sounds like me anymore.

I’ve tried prompts. I’ve tried writing by hand. I’ve tried different music and writing at different times of the day. I’ve tried writing on my phone, writing on my iPad, and writing on my laptop. I’ve tried just writing just a few words a day, and I’ve tried writing 1000 words a day. I can get words out on to the page and the screen that isn’t the problem. The problem is¬†I hate everything I put down. Nothing sounds right, and it’s getting worse more than it’s getting better.

I think I’m just trying too hard. I’m not short of ideas, and I’m not having trouble coming up with words, I’m having trouble organizing my thoughts and figuring out what¬†it is I am trying to say and how exactly I want to say it. It’s a problem of articulation.

Or maybe being creative means cycling between influence and production, input and output. If I was doing nothing at all or had lost interest entirely with words, this might be an easier problem to fix. It turns out, I might not have a problem at all but instead, I’m just not in a place where I can write my own words right now, and that isn’t something I can rush or work around. Maybe I’m just in a place where I have to consume the words of others until I have enough inspiration, motivation, and know how to move forward.

Or maybe it’s just that I need to get back in a groove. I need to learn how to have fun with writing again and not be so serious all the time. I need to reconnect with other bloggers and join challenges and exchange ideas again.

Whatever it is, I’m working on it, and I hope to have it resolved as soon as possible. I just miss feeling like I had a space that a was my own to be creative and to be proud of. I want that feeling back.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I’ve at least been reading like crazy since I can’t seem to write. Since finishing The Oresteia¬†by Aeschylus I’ve started The Odyssey by Homer, for the third time at least, and¬†On the Genealogy of Morals by Friedrich Nietzsche, for the second time, and today I picked up Annihilation by Jeff Vandermeer. I’m 2 books behind schedule but I’m going to get my ass in gear this week and finish at least two of these, and then I’ll slog through The Odyssey for the rest of March.

I’m trying to read other things too. I’m looking for more poetry like salt. by Nayyirah Waheed. I’m getting back into reading all the newsletters piling up in my inbox, more longform reporting, more personal and opinion pieces, and I’m trying to read blogs again¬†too.

More input. More ideas. More reasons to write.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the sun has gone down, and if I hope to sleep well tonight I’d better not refill my cup. There was so much more I wanted to tell you, but I’ve already kept you too late, and with the work week just hours away, I’m sure we both have too much to do to keep on chatting.

I hope you had a good week. I hope you’ve been well. I hope that you were able to cross a few things off of your to-do list and had time to spare to do a thing or two just for you.

Until next time.


Thanks for reading! If you like this post check out my weekly-ish newsletter for inspiring reads + existential musings on life, love, and inevitable human suffering. Or help support what I do by sharing a cup of coffee.

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli

Photo by Porsche Brosseau

If We Were Having Coffee // A Moment to Acknowledge Progress

Hello, happy Sunday, welcome, and thank you for stopping by for a bit of coffee and catching up. Forgive me for not sitting down. I’ll have to take my caffeine¬†and converse¬†while I’m getting ready because we have an appointment to tour our dream wedding venue today! I would have waited to chat with you until after but I am afraid I’ll be told the place is out of our meager budget and return broken-hearted and depressed. No, better to visit now, while I’m excited and have my past week still fresh in my head.

‚ÄúI cannot simply put into words how coffee, stars, and a good conversation turns me on.‚ÄĚ

‚ÄĒ constellationsofmisery


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that there you may start seeing more of me around here than you have lately. I know posts have been few and far between and far from fun, interesting, or informative too. Part of it has been my busy schedule. I give all my best hours and all my creative energy to my day job, and by the time I get home, there is nothing left for writing. Part of it has been perfectionism too. Writing is easy, but editing is dreadful! So whatever I do make time to write just sits unloved and atrophying in my drafts folder.

If I am honest though, most of it is a lack of passion. I haven’t been writing that way I want to write. I’ve been trying to write what I think people want, or the way I think other people do. I haven’t been writing in a way that works for me.

This week I read an old post from one of my favorite authors, Austin Kleon, on his return to daily blogging and it really summed up the way I have been feeling, and where I hope to go, now. I realized that I wasn’t alone. Being online is hard. Being interesting is hard. Delivering something worth reading on any regular basis is really fucking hard.

But even when I am afraid, and I give up for a while, I miss it. Kleon reminded me that blogging is important to both the reader and to the writer. Blogging is a way of thinking and a blog is a container to fill with all the things you think. This place is mine and as much as I love my readers, and as much as I love the attention the internet can bring, this place has to be for me first.

And so it will be. I am not quite ready to jump in and promise you posts every single day, but soon, very, very soon.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I have been reading again. I’m a book or three behind schedule already, but it’s okay. I’ve found my groove with The Oresteia by Aeschylus, and I’m not rushing at all. In fact, I’m spending most of my time researching the time period, the Gods, the myths, the back stories of every family and every character. I’m reading the notes in the back, and the Spark Notes and the Wikipedia entries on my phone. All the research is making a play that is already rich with emotion so much more interesting.

It took me weeks to get through the introduction alone, and a few more to get a handle on the structure but this week I made it more than halfway through and now I’m worried about what I will pick up next. Luckily I still have a few Penguin Classics left from the set I won last year. In that set, I realized I have both The Homeric Hymns and The Three Theban Plays. It looks like I won’t have to leave Ancient Greece for a while after all.

Oh, and on the subject of The Oresteia, I recently watched The Killing of a Sacred Deer, a creepy psychological thriller/nightmare, that I realized was based on the story of Agamemnon, the very same King that the first play of The Oresteia is named for.

In case you aren’t familiar, Agamemnon was the brother of Menelaus whose wife, Helen, was stolen from him and carried off to Troy. Together the brothers led their armies in a 10-year long war for the offense. But before the war could begin, Agamemnon offended the Goddess Artemis by killing one of her sacred deer and boasting he was the superior hunter. In retaliation, Artemis refused to let his ships advance toward Troy until Agamemnon agreed to sacrifice his daughter. He did. He went to war. He won, and upon returning, he found his wife bitter and bent on revenge and that is where The Oresteia starts.

I think it’s a pretty interesting coincidence that I would be reading these plays and happen to have decided on this film at the same time. I recommend you check out both yourself!



If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I haven’t been driving as much as I should be, but I do feel better about being behind the wheel. The problem lately has been the weather‚ÄĒI’m not ready to drive in the snow‚ÄĒand we’ve been waking up late most mornings, and I’m too slow to get us to work on time. Thought of driving no longer terrifies to the point of tears and fury, and that is progress. Driving feels more and more like something I am capable of doing safely, even if I hate it.

It’s also helping to dream that at the end of this journey to overcome my phobia, there may be the promise of a new car. A car that I get to choose, that fits me. I want a car that makes me feel like I am going off on an adventure, not off to slaughter. A used Jeep Wrangler or a beat-up old Land Rover perhaps. Something I can trust.

I still have a long way to go, and pretty soon my fiance will be traveling for work, and soon she may begin working somewhere else entirely, so I have to keep going. I just felt I’d earned a little break, and a moment to acknowledge my progress. I’m so proud of myself for as far as I have come and I know I can beat this phobia! I’ve got this!


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that it is time for me to get going. A winter storm dropped five inches of snow on us yesterday, and there’s no telling what the roads will be like. I’ll pop in later to update you on the venue tour.

I do hope you had a wonderful week and that your weekend was warmer and more relaxing than mine.

Until next time.

On Living #blackoutpoetry #makeblackoutpoetry #newspaperblackout

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Thanks for reading! If you like this post check out my weekly-ish newsletter for inspiring reads + existential musings on life, love, and inevitable human suffering. Or help support what I do by sharing a cup of coffee.

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli

Photo by Ronaldo Arthur Vidal on Unsplash

If We Were Having Coffee // Remembering How to Do Things I Don’t Want to Do

Well hello, dear reader. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up. I’ve been playing with my old espresso machine again, tweaking the coffee to water ratios and getting closer and closer to the perfect brew. I’m still not there yet, but this one is at least as rich as it should be, even if it isn’t quite as velvety.

I haven’t had much time for¬†coffee chats lately, but I’ve needed them desperately. The last time we met up was Christmas Eve, only two weeks ago but it seems a lot longer than that. Two holidays have passed. I’ve returned to work. I’ve been writing again too. The year has changed, and I think I’ve changed a little along with it. Not as much I as I hoped I would have by¬†now, but less than I am sure I will by this time next week.

“Just coffee. Black – like my soul.‚ÄĚ

‚Äē¬†Cassandra Clare,¬†City of Bones


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I couldn’t have asked for a better Christmas or New Year’s celebration.

Christmas was spent with family eating good food, drinking, and catching up. I was happy to see the joy my gifts brought the people I loved, and I was delighted to find out how much they knew me by the gifts I received. I know that everyone knows I like coffee and books because I racked up a significant amount of gift card money to both Starbucks and Barnes and Nobel.

For New Year’s Eve, we got together with a few of our closet friends to get fancy and head downtown for a black tie event. I found a lovely maroon velvet jacket to wear, and my girlfriend was gorgeous in an emerald green dress.

We had a lot of fun, and I was happy to start 2018 off surrounded by people who cared about me. I only wish the overnight temperatures hadn’t dipped so low, that Uber hadn’t jacked up their prices, and that the light rail had been running a little more frequently. By the time we made it home my poor lady’s toes were nearly purple.

Happy New Years! #newyearseve #blacktieevent

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If we were¬†having coffee, I would tell you that I had hoped we’d get to ease into 2018 but, wow, this past week was bananas! Half the country is frozen. Our President taunted world leaders on Twitter, again. A Trump tell-all book was published. Then he tried to convince us of his sanity by lashing out and acting completely mental. Oh, and the whole state of California is smoking weed now.

By the end of 2017, I had stopped watching the news, and I felt guilty for not keeping up with what was happening in the world. One week into 2018 I’m ready to give up again. The anxiety I feel every time that man tweets is more than I need in my life. I have my own everyday¬†fears and obstacles to overcome. I shouldn’t have to add nuclear war to the list, and I¬†certainly shouldn’t have to spend my day refreshing social media feeds to find out whether or not nuclear winter is coming.

I’m exhausted already.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that too much of my break was spent watching movies and TV shows, but I regret nothing.

I indulged nostalgia by watching every Harry Potter film again on HBO.¬†Black Mirror season 4 was everything I hoped it would be. Star Wars: The Last Jedi was better than everyone said it was. Dave Chappelle’s Netflix specials were genius. Call Me by Your Name‚ÄĒboth the book and the movie‚ÄĒwere good but far from great, each in very different ways.

Still, I recommend all of it.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that my return to work this week was, well, annoying. It’s hard to get through a week of Christmas preparation, Christmas celebration, a weird waiting period where all you do is drink and eat leftovers, the celebrate a whole new year, and then go back to doing the same old shit you were doing before. I’ve had a hard time readjusting back to my old life. I’m having a hard time remembering how to do things that I don’t want to do.

I could have had more days off if I’d wanted, but living in a capitalist society means I feel guilty when I spend my time resting, reading, or doing whatever the hell else I want instead of making money. All I kept thinking about was how much I make per hour times how many hours I wasn’t at work. I kept a running total in my head of all the things I wouldn’t be able to buy if I didn’t go in. So I did.

At least I was able to do office work and ease back into my work schedule before the kids come back on Tuesday. All in all, it wasn’t bad at all, and all in all, my job is a pretty good one, so I’m not complaining too much. I’m only musing on the weird mental toll having so much time off, and dragging myself back, kicking and screaming, into the real world takes on me.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the highlight of my week, and the reason I didn’t get nearly as much writing done as I wanted to, was finally getting started on a couple of big bookbinding projects.

The first is my new daily journal. Last week I spent a lot more money than I expected on tools and supplies and got all the paper I needed to begin folding and sewing. I couldn’t decide whether I wanted ruled, grid, or plain, so I picked all three and added a few others: dots, and triangles, and hexagons. I printed them on bright fuchsia colored paper in random order so I can be a little freer in the way I write from day-to-day.

I also gathered up all my loose and scrap paper I had been collecting got it all cut and folded into beautiful little imperfect bundles for a new sketchbook. All the pages are different sizes, colors, and textures. Some are proper sketch papers, some are tracing pages, some are from an old graph paper pad, some pages are white, or black, or light blue, or orange.

I guess I’m trying to make little spaces where every day will be a little different. I guess, without realizing it, I am craving a little less structure and a little more freedom.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I have got to get going. Time flies when you are having fun, and it’s even faster with all this caffeine in my system. Loads of laundry need washing, more posts need writing, and I am itching to make a little more progress on those projects too.

I hope your year has been off to a better start, and that all the crap that is going on around us hasn’t already made your spirit weary. I hope your resolutions are still going strong. If they aren’t, don’t worry. There is still a lot more year left to go.

Until next time.

There is no you. #makeblackoutpoetry #share

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Thanks for reading! If you like this post check out my weekly-ish newsletter for inspiring reads + existential musings on life, love, and inevitable human suffering. Or help support what I do by sharing a cup of coffee.

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli

Photo by Ben Moore on Unsplash

If We Were Having Coffee // ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas

Hello dear readers and thank you for stopping by the night before Christmas for a bit of coffee and catching up, or if you prefer, a cup of velvety hot chocolate, or a hot toddy. I will have all three if you don’t mind. It is Christmas Eve after all, and I am at home, enjoying the last of the peace and quiet I will have for another day or two and the first I’ve had in a lot longer. And that is why, despite all I still have left to do, I wanted to take a few minutes to catch up with you.¬† Because you, dear reader, always calm me and help me place the world into a more manageable perspective.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that today we are doing as close to absolutely nothing as we possibly¬†can. We planned a large brunch for just the two of us, a lunch of just about every snack food we have in the house, and a seafood dinner of crab, shrimp, sausage, corn, and potatoes. Something a little different for just the two of us. In addition, we’ve had a few mimosas, some gin and tonics, and very soon, a spiked hot chocolate, and a maybe hot toddy before bed. As you can imagine, I am thoroughly enjoying Christmas Eve.

We’ve been outside letting the dog play in the snow while we shoveled, and giving her new toys and treats all day. The cat has gifts too, but she’s decided to spend the day snoozing so she’ll get them later I suppose.

The rest of the day was spent on the couch watching Christmas movies and a few episodes of¬†The Crown. I’ve tried to do some writing but all this holiday stress has chased my thoughts away, and all this drink and laziness has kept my hand still and the cursor blinking in place. Even my journal lays neglected and has since Friday¬†afternoon. But I must get moving, and there is no better place to start than here.

Soon I’ll have to get up. I have to make cookies, to wrap the gifts we have to give, and cook for a dish for brunch with my family tomorrow morning. After brunch, we’ll be off to see my girlfriend’s family for dinner and the rest of the evening, and it’ll finally be over, mostly.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I even though I hate the holidays I do wish there was more time to celebrate all the people¬† I love in my life. I saw my cousin and friends last night for game night, I’ll see my dad on Tuesday for dinner and Star Wars. The rest of the week will be spent getting my face and outfit together for the big (expensive) New Years bash¬†downtown with friends.

And then, it will finally be over, and I promise I’ll do it better next year.

There were people I forgot to buy things for, and too much was planned and bought last-minute. I didn’t get the tree up, I didn’t get the lights out, and I wasted too much time on indecision and anxiety. I did better than last year, and for that I am proud, and I never let myself forget what the season meant to represent, and that has helped.


If we were having coffee I would tell you that it’s getting late and I have stalled as much as I can. I have to cook, and bake, and wrap the gifts now. I have to get my clothes out and clean some of this mess up. I have to finish off this wine and get the hot toddies started too, and then I have to get to bed because it will take all the energy I have, and a lot more coffee, to make it through the day.

I hope you’ve had a good weekend. I hope that all your careful planning and preparation you’ve done makes for a perfect holiday and all that stressing and worrying will prove to have been for nothing. Most of all I hope you feel loved and connected to the community around you. That is what the holidays are for are they not?

Have a very Merry Christmas, and if we don’t see each other until then, a Happy New Year.


Thanks for reading! If you like this post check out my weekly-ish newsletter for inspiring reads + existential musings on life, love, and inevitable human suffering. Or help support what I do by sharing a cup of coffee.

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli

Photo by Pro Church Media on Unsplash

If We Were Having Coffee // Just One Week to Go!

Hello dear readers! Thank you for stopping by for a bit of coffee and conversation. I know it’s late again, but I decided to wait until after¬†I did my Christmas shopping this time. I didn’t want to feel so rushed, and I knew I wouldn’t be in the mood for chatting before such a stressful activity. But I’m done now, and I am happy to say I’ve made considerable progress. Just a couple of gift cards and a trip to the post office to go and I’m done!

So, I think it’s time for a reward. A nice cup of cold brew, a cookie or two, and a chance to catch up with you.

‚ÄúI was taken by the power that savoring a simple cup of coffee can have to connect people and create community.I was taken by the power that savoring a simple cup of coffee can have to connect people and create community.‚ÄĚ

‚ÄĒ Howard Schultz


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I’m once again trying to work through my extreme fear of driving. I’ve tried before, many times over the years, but my anxiety makes excuses and may need to avoid my fear is so intense I simply don’t think about it, until I have to.

My girlfriend always drops me off at work, and a friend¬†who lives close by was taking me home. The arrangement wasn’t ideal, but it kept me from having to face my fears. Lately, though, my girlfriend’s job is taking up more and more of her time, and this week my friend’s crapped out beyond repair.

Now I’m just getting rides where I can and using Uber when I have to, but it’s hard being such a burden to everyone and spending so much money when I only live 15 minutes away. It’s not just getting to and from work though. Dealing with this phobia all these years has left me feeling like only half a human. I feel low, broken, stupid, and trapped. There is so much I haven’t been able to do because I can’t get around easily or timely, and I’m tired.

The impact on my self-worth and my relationship has become more than I can handle. I am still afraid, but I’ve got to get out there and try. Yesterday I had a breakthrough. I drove to Target and parked, next to another actual car. We went shopping, and then I drove us home, at night. I did it without hitting anything and without crying, not even once.

Tomorrow, and all this week, I’m going to drive to work, and in the evening I am going to drive home. I am going to drive to work, and I am going to drive home. I am going to drive to work, and I am going to drive home.¬†I am going to drive to work, and I am going to drive home…


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I’m actually looking forward to this work week. It’s going to be an easy one, and it is the last one before I get two whole weeks off from work. I might even get Thursday¬†afternoon and all of Friday off. I don’t think my boss is too happy to give it to me, but since¬†it won’t count against me and I have plenty of writing to do, I’m taking it.

Speaking of writing, if we were having coffee I would tell you that I have been making a lot of progress on my project. I even told In Real Life people about it! I never tell In Real Life people anything about my writing, which, I suppose, is another fear I should try to get over soon. One thing at a time Lisa. One thing at a time.¬†Anyway, I have two pages of notes now, one more than I had last week, and this week I’d like to end with four.

More and more I am letting myself hope that this thing might be a real book one day. Not¬†the book. Not the one I set out to write when I first let myself dream to be a writer, but it’s¬†a book. It’s an important book. It’s what I need to write, and I hope, God I really hope, that other people might need it too.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I had a good reading week too. I finished Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?¬†by Philip K. Dick. It wasn’t an easy read by it was really good.

A friend loaned it to me after he found out I hadn’t read it and I hadn’t seen the movie, Blade Runner, either. I read it quickly so I could return before I ruined it and he gave it back. He said I could keep it and then he bought me Blade Runner too! Which was also really good…if I pretend I saw it for the first time in 1982.¬†Maybe this coming weekend I’ll check out the sequel, Blade Runner 2049.

I also finished Things Are What You Make of Them by Adam J. Kurtz, which was also really good. It’s one of those books I’m going to keep on my desk, so I can come back to it whenever I start to doubt myself or lose direction.

Next up I’ll be reading¬†Call Me by Your Name by Andr√© Aciman. It¬†isn’t the usual kind of book I would choose to read but my girlfriend read it, and she wants me to read it too so we can talk about i. When I’m finished, we’ll be seeing the film version too.

Oh, and I finally watch Mother! on Saturday night. I’d wanted to see it in theaters when it was released, but the reviews were so blah I decided to wait in case it was bad and I might feel I’d wasted my money. I was wrong, and I totally should have seen it in theaters. It’s good, but only if you get it and once you get it, it’s fucking genius. Jennifer Lawrence is now my favorite actress for this, seriously.


If we were having coffee, I would apologize for keeping you up so late. I’ve been distracted by housework and the TV. I’m glad got to catch up with you though. I wouldn’t want to¬†miss a coffee chat with you the weekend before Christmas.

I hope you’ve got your gifts bought and your dinner plans in order. I hope you won’t have to work so much and that your stress levels stay within healthy and manageable levels. If I get busy, and I don’t see you before the holiday, I hope you get everything you wanted, and you are surrounded by people you love to share it with.

Take care of yourselves, okay?

Until next time.


Thanks for reading! If you like this post check out my weekly-ish newsletter for inspiring reads + existential musings on life, love, and inevitable human suffering. Or help support what I do by sharing a cup of coffee.

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli

Photo by Ryan Riggins on Unsplash

If We Were Having Coffee // It’s Gonna be Smooth Sailing into 2018

Thank you for stopping by for a bit of coffee and catching up. We’ll have to be quick though, I have a full day of Christmas¬†shopping planned and it’s probably best to start early, before the crowds and before I realize how much I really don’t want to do this. I’m hoping a cup or two of strong brew will wake me up, and I’m hoping a lovely conversation with you will get me in the mood to go out into the world today.

‚Äú‚ÄėDelectable,‚Äô¬†Ulysses¬†said. ‚ÄėOf all the drinks that I have drank on all the planets I have visited, the coffee is the best.‚Äô‚ÄĚ

‚Äē Clifford D. Simak, Way Station


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I’m finding it harder and harder, the further we get into the winter weather and the holiday season, to keep up with writing. I’m working more and worrying more. It’s cold outside. It’s dark when I leave home and dark when I return, and I never seem to sleep well. Winter has never been conducive¬†to my creativity, but this year I’m aware and determined not to let a little¬†thing like seasonal depression get me down and keep me from doing what I love. So, I’m trying to do things a bit differently.

Last week work was beyond hectic, and I had little time for this blog, but I wasn’t idle. I finally have an editorial calendar set up‚ÄĒI’ve already been adding to it regularly, though I still have to work on sticking to it‚ÄĒand I have really, actually, seriously this time started working on my¬†“death anxiety” project.

I spent my lunch hour at work at least three days this week brainstorming essay topics, art, titles, and structure. I won’t pretend any of my ideas were actually¬†good but I my gut tells me this is a numbers game. The more bad ideas you get out there, the higher your chances of finding a good one, right? So I’m churning them out as fast as I can. I have a whole notebook dedicated to failures and bad ideas, and at this rate, I may need another very soon. It’s been great fun, and I feel like I’m getting closer to doing the kind of writing I always wanted to do.

Through all of that¬†brainstorming and I learned a few things about the way my mind works. I learned that the best time for me to focus on one¬†project and get tangible work done is in the middle of the morning, between 8:00 and 10:00. I learned the best time for me to let my mind wander, and to connect fragments and inspiration in ways that aren’t obvious at first is in the middle of the afternoon, between 1:00 and 4:00. I’m hoping knowing this about myself will make my work more efficient and lead to better ideas faster.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that in an effort not to get sucked into negativity and false perspectives I’m practicing gratitude with greater intensity¬†than ever. I’m taking time to acknowledge that even on my worst days, during my greatest frustrations and inconveniences, I have every reason to be happy and all the opportunity I need to change whatever I don’t like about my life.

Being alive is scary, embarrassing, annoying, confusing, and painful, but it’s also a goddamn miracle and good things happen just as often as the bad. Here are some that happened to me:

  1. I had a delightful conversation with my sister and her kids this week. I’ve been a bad sister and aunt, and I haven’t called in far too long, but only because I missed them so much and had no idea what to say. I will do better from now on.
  2. I got a ton of overtime at work, and even though I didn’t really want it, I’m still grateful for it. I got to take care of things for my coworkers who are going through some tough times, and my paycheck won’t be so bad after winter break.
  3. A wonderful friend of mine loaned me his copy of Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?¬†by Philip K. Dick and bought me the definitive director’s cut version of Blade Runner as an early Christmas gift.
  4. Another wonderful friend who I haven’t seen in far too long invited me out for dinner ad drink for her belated birthday celebration. It felt good to be there to celebrate her, to catch, and let her know how important she is to me.
  5. I’ve started cooking more and more, and I am actually starting to enjoy it. Last week I made¬†Creamy Vegetable and Tortellini Soup with Pesto¬†and Oven Baked Lemon Pepper Wings. Both of which my girlfriend‚ÄĒthe best cook I know and the only one I am ever trying to impress‚ÄĒ loved!
  6. We made big party plans for New Year’s Eve with some other wonderful friends entirely, and then those plans got canceled, and then they were back on again! And I might wear something I would never ever usually wear, and I might look amazing in it.
  7. Black Mirror finally revealed it’s release date for season 4! December 29th people! A perfect end to a very disorienting and anxiety-inducing year.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I am looking forward to the coming week which I am almost positive will be a lot less stressful than this past one was. My workload ought to be much lighter, and warm weather is returning. I have a new book to read, a bunch of new posts to write, and a ton of podcasts to catch up on. I can’t wait to get started.

Actually, the entire rest of 2017 should be easy peasy and thank God for that because I  cannot wait for this politically infuriating and disorienting year to wrap the hell up. Not that I expect 2018 to be any better, in fact, I foresee things getting a lot worse as one side begins to tire and the other simply waits us out. They are going to start winning, and no matter how we scream and fight, they will go on doing just as they please.

But a New Year is always encouraging and the way time has been flying since summer I know it’ll be over before I know it. I’ve only got to get through this week and the next of Christmas prep and small tasks at work, then Christmas day, and it’ll be smooth sailing into 2018.

I feel good about that. Or, I feel just as good as I do bad about that. This year has been hard and as happy as I am to see it end, the forward march of time is always a little sad. Every day on this Earth is one day closer to your inevitable end. I’m learning to cope with that too.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that our coffee date had gone on much longer than I planned and as much as I’m enjoying it, I really must get going. The mall is filling up by the minute I’m sure, and the more people there are, the more anxious I’ll be. The more anxious I am, the less effective and efficient I am, and if it all goes too far, I’ll be in tears. God, I hate Christmas shopping.

I hope you had a good and productive week, if you didn’t I hope you have no regrets. I hope you’ll drop a note in the comments and let me know what you’ve been up to. I do love hearing from you.

Until next time.

P.S. Excuse the time discrepancy between the time of day I described and the time of day you may have read this. I wrote it early in the morning shortly after waking, but I failed to hit publish before I left, and so, didn’t post it until late in the evening.


Thanks for reading! If you like this post check out my weekly-ish newsletter for inspiring reads + existential musings on life, love, and inevitable human suffering. Or help support what I do by sharing a cup of coffee. Thanks again!

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli

Featured photo by Mikesh Kaos on Unsplash