If We Were Having Coffee // When I’m Ready, You’ll Have My Story Too

Hello dear readers! Thank you for stopping by for a bit of coffee and catching up this afternoon. I had hoped to meet with you earlier, I had everything ready I swear, but then the clouds and the cold began to roll in and with them an intense drowsiness that my will was no match against. It carried me to bed and weighed me down until I gave up resisting and finally rested.

I slept most of the afternoon away and woke with a start just moments ago remembering it was Sunday, and I had wanted to chat with you badly. I straight away made a double shot of caffeine in the form of espresso, and I beg you to be patient because I know my mouth will awaken far faster than my thoughts.

“On Sundays my coffee is recreational. As opposed to weekdays when it’s medicinal.”

— Unknown

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I’ve been very busy with my day job lately. Being a school bus assistant doesn’t usually take so much time away from my writing projects, but I’m also a trainer when I am not on my route, and we’ve been dealing with a shortage of employees. That means we’re hiring new people like crazy which means I am working many more hours than I normally do and I am a lot more exhausted than I normally am too.

I don’t know when this will end, and to be honest with you I’ve been tempted to make some tough decisions and make big changes to my schedule, and my paycheck. I am a trainer for the extra hours and the flexibility but the pressure has been on, and it’s no longer feeling so flexible. I would have more time to write, but less money to bring home unless I can learn to turn words into money, but I’m still not so sure I am good enough, smart enough, or brave enough to do it yet.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that as much as I hate to be pulled away from my screens, it was nice to do things In Real Life for a change. I have been overwhelmed by everything that is happening in the news. It’s bad enough that our President continues to be an embarrassment but the slew of sexual harassment allegations coming out, while not surprising, has been depressing and to be honest, awful triggering.

I have my own stories to tell, and one day I will, but as much as I want to listen and uplift these women, I can’t help feeling a bit weak and lonely holding my own back. Their strength is admirable, but it only highlights what I lack and reminds me that I am still a victim and not yet a survivor.

Not only that, but my mind can’t process fast enough for me to say anything worth posting in enough time to be relevant. It’s hard to keep up, so I’ve stayed away. I keep my mouth shut and jealously watch other writers be smarter than me and carry on conversations I can never join in on. Still, the word must be spread, so I’ve instead opted to at least share the posts and tweets of others smarter and more articulate.

I’m biding my time, waiting and working out how to say what it is I need to say so badly. When I’m ready, you’ll have my story and all my thoughts too.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I was not selected to participate in the Bitch Media 2018 Fellowship for Writers. I knew I wouldn’t be, but part of me still hoped, the way you know your odds in the lottery, but you still buy tickets when the jackpot gets high. You know you can’t win, but you still plan that big house and the fancy cars you will finally get to own when you do.

It was nice of them to send rejection letters along with the four that went out to the obviously talented winners, but no matter how sweetly they let you down, wishing you the best and encouraging you to try again next year, it still stings.

But don’t tell me you are sorry and don’t feel pressured to say anything encouraging out of pity. I really am okay. I’m more than okay! I’m actually so proud of myself for even trying. I have never done anything like this before, and I know that not only did I give my very best, but that my very best will be even better next year.

I’m glad it’s over though. I sweated for a month and a half waiting to hear either way, and it was tough to think about anything else. I had a hard time feeling inspired and motivated to take on new projects in the meantime but now that it’s over and I can work on something of my own. As soon as things calm down at work that is.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I’ve been trying harder to talk to people face to face. I’m allowing myself to be distracted by conversation and losing time laughing. I’m getting used to embarrassing myself sometimes in exchange for having people to talk to and to do things with on Friday nights. It’s been strange to open up, and I am reminded that there was a time when little social butterfly Lisa did exist. She’s still here. She likes people, and she needs time to shine too.

Speaking of a social life, I am sure I’ve mentioned them before, but we’ve been having a blast lately hanging out with a couple of couples we’ve recently grown very close with. Being around two other couple, both so alike and so different from us—one couple is straight, and the other is two gay men—has been like therapy for us. It’s nice to know you are normal, and that other people love as much as you, fight as much as you, and have no idea what they are doing just as much as you, and that still, it can work and be beautiful too.

We’ve been rotating once a month dinners and brunches, or any other outings that catch our eyes. Last week was brunch, and in a few weeks, we’re thinking about visiting a comedy club, or a burlesque show, or just bar hopping downtown after dinner.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I’m actually kind of excited about Thanksgiving this year. I learned long ago that the story we were taught in school about the Native Americans sharing their crops with the settlers isn’t the whole story, it’s not even half. The story of the Native Americans is one of cruelty and thievery, and we should take time to reflect on that.

Thanksgiving—and Columbus Day—are days I normally choose to mark with reflection and by spreading awareness about the brutal history of this country. I’m certainly going to spend time doing that this year too, but I am working on relaxing into the idea of rebranding the day as also being a time to giving thanks for what I have and celebrate have earned throughout the year.

I’ll be with my family this year and I know we’ll have a blast and I do have so much to be grateful for. It’ll be a good holiday this year.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I had better get going. It’s dark outside already, pleasant smells are wafting from the kitchen, and my lovely lady has placed a glass of deep red wine in front of me, so I know dinner is on the way.

It’s been so nice to catch up, and I promise to be more prepared for our coffee date next week. These winter afternoons turn dark way too quickly for me to start so late anymore.

I hope you had a wonderful week and I hope your holiday plans this week go off without any stress or disastrous mishaps. I hope your friends and family are all there to celebrate with you and that you have much worth celebrating with them.

Until next time.

***

Thanks for reading! If you like this post check out my weekly-ish newsletter for inspiring reads + existential musings on life, love, and inevitable human suffering. Or help support what I do by sharing a cup of coffee. Thanks again!

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli

Featured photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

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If We Were Having Coffee // I’m Always Playing Catch-Up

Hello, dear readers! I’m so happy you’ve stopped by for a bit of caffeine and conversation today. I’m got up early, and I was feeling better, more motivated and hopeful, than I have all week, but I’ve since grown sluggish and apathetic. To be honest with you I’m no fan of Sundays. The mornings are sweet but as the day drags on I grow disappointed and depressed and not even coffee can help now. The work week is approaching fast with its early mornings and expectations.

But here is a bit of light underneath the dread. There is the knowledge that a fresh start has come. I’ll hold tight to that feeling today, and add a bit of cocoa and chili powder to my coffee. That should turn the world around, yeah?

“Coffee tastes better with a side of conversation regarding how the world might end”

— @cybersygh

***

If we were having coffee I would tell you that I continued to make progress this week. I did better than this time last month but not better than the week before. The problem wasn’t from lack of trying, but a lack of knowing how to finish things.

I started a few blog posts, and a newsletter too, but the words got away from me, I couldn’t make my intentions clear and, so, I couldn’t bring anything back around to conclusions. But even that problem is only another symptom. The real disease is not knowing how to manage important vs. urgent tasks.

Lately, I feel like I’m always playing catch up. I’m never looking far enough ahead. I’m not making plans or working toward long-term goals, especially with this blog. I’m writing posts early in the morning that must go up that day rather than having them done and scheduled well in advance like a real blogger. Not that I’m trying to be a real blogger, but I am trying to be a real writer—not that there is a difference—and being a real writer means learning how to plan and manage my time.

I also have to learn to stop and move on to something else when I get stuck. My current strategy is to stop doing anything at all and hope better ideas or a fiery passion will light under my ass and put me back to work. That never happens though because I end up spiraling into a pit of anxiety and disappointment. The longer I spiral, the harder it becomes to get back to doing something, anything again.

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is the first step is always admitting you have a problem and I am now well aware that I have many. I’m working on them, I swear.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this week wasn’t especially exciting. I’ve been going into work a bit early and heading home for the day at lunch time. Every day I plan to write until evening but nearly every time the couch calls to me. I turn on the fans, turn the tv volume down, and the dog and I sleep soundly through the afternoon heat.

It’s been nice to relax like this every day, and I’m aware I am lucky to be able to. I don’t want to complain too much except to say that while having time to nap every day is nice, having time to work toward your personal goals is even better. I cringe with embarrassment knowing how much a better person than me would be able to accomplish with over a month of free afternoons.

***

If we were having coffee I would tell you that in addition to that embarrassment I have a healthy helping of guilt thrown on top. Evey day my girlfriend comes home with me for lunch, and every day she heads back to work while I nap. She doesn’t seem too resentful of me though. She assures me that if the roles were reversed would sleep the day away too without a shred of guilt. I think she was trying to help, but I only felt more guilty. These past few weeks her job has been even more stressful than usual, and relief is at least a month or two away.

I’ve been worried about her, and I wanted to do something for her, get her out of our work home routine and do something fun. So, Friday night we dressed up and went back to a hidden seafood place we discovered earlier this year. We enjoyed a few drink, a few oysters, and a few hours of real interaction sans phones and social media.

Our usual date night routine is to head to the movies, but I forgot how much fun it can be to just enjoy a good meal and some in-depth conversation and catching up with another person. I’m hoping to have more of that in the coming weeks as I try to introduce a bit of balance into my girlfriend’s life.

 

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that it was getting late and there is laundry to wash and fold and words that must be written elsewhere. Thanks again for dropping by. I hope your week was a productive one and that your weekend was relaxing enough to allow you to reset.

***

If you like this post check out my weekly-ish newsletter for inspiring reads + existential musings on life, love, and inevitable human suffering. Or help support what I do by sharing a cup of coffee.

Written for the weekly Weekend Coffee Share link up hosted, once again by Part-Time Monster

Featured image via Unsplash

If We Were Having Coffee // I Got a Little Overwhelmed. I’m Sorry.

Hello, dear readers. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of conversation and caffeine. I want to start by saying I know I haven’t been around much this past week and I am so sorry for that. I haven’t been posting as much or replying to your wonderful comments, but I haven’t forgotten you or taken you for granted I swear. It’s just that I got a little overwhelmed and I’m one of those people that just shuts down when my stress levels get too high.

I can’t promise it will get better in the very near future but eventually it will. Eventually…

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I won’t be doing much celebrating this Halloween. I am so disappointed in myself. Halloween is my very favorite holiday and this year it just snuck up on me. I have no party to attended. I have no costume. I have no decorations in the yard. I have no pumpkins to carve or seeds to bake. I don’t even have candy to hand out to the kids tomorrow.

I did a few things. I got to see Beetlejuice at y favorite theater, and I meet some bats up close at the museum. I watched some of my favorite horror movies and am still enjoying the American Horror Story and Exorcist TV series—and Black Mirror, which is creepy in its own way. For the most part, though, I let my favorite time of year slip away unmarked and uncelebrated. I’ll have to wait a whole year to get another chance.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I know I haven’t been around much this past week. I wish I could say I was busting my ass preparing for NaNoWriMo but the truth is I was just working a lot. I had so many plans for this week but of course, after months of having very little to do at my day job, the last full week of October is when my boss would need me to work more than nine hours a day.

So I will be going into NaNoWriMo almost 100% unprepared. I have a few scenes in mind and some character outline ideas thanks to the Better Novel Project and the little bit of work I was able to do earlier in the month, but for the most part, I am going to be winging this. I will have to do some research along the way, and I plan to push through no matter what. No matter how crappy this is or how far from my vision I might stray I have to keep going.

Sigh.

***

Some good did come out of this week, though. We bought a new car! We still have our old P.O.S. since it’s still working, but the new car will get through these tough Colorado winters with far fewer problems than we’ve been having.

I am still working on my driving phobia, but I feel much more confident driving the new car with all it’s safety features than our old one who doesn’t even have a working horn at the moment. I think very soon I will have my license and finally feel like a part of society. I won’t feel ashamed or embarrassed anymore. I’ll feel like a person.

I can’t wait.

***

If we were having coffee, I would briefly mention the election. I would tell you I am beyond burned out. I am beyond angry with Trump supporters. I am beyond disappointed in third party voters. I am done.

I am going to drop my ballot off as soon as possible, and I’ll spend the eight or nine days trying to stay positive and hoping for the best.

I’ve already alerted my workplace that if the election goes the wrong way I may need a day to recover.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that my recent efforts to learn how to cook turned out pretty damn good. Please excuse my cocky tone and the huge grin on my face, I am just so proud of myself. The best so far has definitely been my take on this tacos al pastor recipe. It wasn’t as easy to make as I hoped and I nearly gave up and cried on the kitchen floor, but with a little help from my girlfriend—and the margaritas she made—I got through it, and we both enjoyed some very delicious tacos.

If you want to attempt it yourself, I have a few tips. One, achiote paste might be hard to find, depending on where you live, order it from Amazon. Two, making a meat and pineapple tower is really hard. Mine fell over multiple times, and I ended up just letting it cook leaning against the inside of the cast iron pot I ended up having to put it in. And three, have a margarita while you wait. It makes the hour and a half cook time a bit more bearable.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I had better get going. There is laundry that needs washing and groceries that need buying. I also have a quick visit with my family to get ready for later.

I hope you are well. I hope your week was without stress and your weekend was relaxing. If you have a minute, drop by the comments and let me know what you’ve been up to.

I will do my best to be a better blogger this week.

There's nothing wrong with that.

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Featured image via Pixabay

If We Were Having Coffee // Just Me, the Dog, a​nd These Books

Hello, hello, dear readers!

Thank you for stopping by for a little coffee and conversation. I’ve felt a little lonesome this week, and I could use the company. My friends and I bid different hours at work, so we haven’t had much time together, and my lady has been working her ass off as usual. Plus we haven’t seen my family in awhile, and I’m still missing my sister and her kids since they left for Texas.

So it’s been just the dog and me hanging out, and she doesn’t talk much, or listen well, and I’ve been walking around all sad sack and feeling sorry for myself. I’m hoping this week I’ll get a little more human interaction and perk up a bit.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I’m in the middle of a four-day weekend, and I couldn’t be more excited about it. One of the great things about this route is that I get some extra days off during the year, the trade off is I will work further into next summer, which I don’t mind.

I like having any day off, but there’s something about having a day off when the rest of your coworkers have to work. It reminds me of ditching school as a teenager; it’s exciting like you are doing something wrong and you feel free! Or maybe I just like to romanticize ordinary things. Either way, I’m happy, and that’s all that matters.

I plan to spend the extra me-time writing, of course, but I have a feeling I’ll end up on the couch eating junk and rewatching episodes of Archer or Rick and Morty because I deserve it.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you I’m catching up on my reading goals for the year. For my new followers, I wanted to read 30 books this year but feel behind this summer when I got stuck working through Catch-22 by Joseph Heller. The book ended up being one of my new favorites but damn was it hard for me to read. It was one of those books that has too many characters and isn’t told in any logical order. It was beautiful.

Anyway, now I am stuck again. I’m reading The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath, and I am a little bored with it. I know, I know, everyone loves it, but I just can’t get into it. It doesn’t help that I read The Color Purple just before. Maybe it will get better? I’ll stick with it.

***

Speaking of books, if we were having coffee I would you about all the gorgeous books I won! I entered Marcolit’s monthly giveaway and won 10 Penguin classics. The are used and gorgeous. I love used books, especially if the are classics. I like all the notes in the margins, the underlining, and the highlighting. It makes me feel like I am connected to the other readers of the book. It makes the life of the book something real.

And guess what came in the mail yesterday? The newest volume of Saga written by Brian K. Vaughan and beautifully illustrated by Fiona Staples. This graphic novel is by far my most favorite and I am so excited to get to continue the story. I haven’t opened it yet because I know when I do I will plow through it in about 30 minutes and then I’ll be sad I have to wait for Volume 7 to find out what comes next. No, I thin I’ll just hold it and look at the cover for awhile.

😄

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***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that other than all that not much else is happening around here. The weekend has been good. My lady is spending most of it working but last night we caught a Roller Derby double header and today we are heading to my moms to visit my family, including my baby niece who has probably grown a ton since I last saw her a few weeks ago.

Oh, and this week I’m going to the original Planet of the Apes at our favorite theater and picking up one of these neat pins.

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“Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!”

***

If we were having coffee, I would probably have to get going now. There is so much work to do around the house, and I think I might try to get a jump on the week’s posts if I can. I hope you all had a good week, and I hope your weekend was a relaxing one. Please, drop by the comments and leave a note letting me know what you’ve been up to okay?

Until next time :)

***

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If We Were Having Coffee

If we were having coffee I would tell you that I am a bit disappointed in myself right now. I slept in today even though I knew I needed to get up early and do some writing. Then when I did get up, I did the dishes instead…..I am such a procrastinator. I find it interesting that there are times I would rather do chores then write simply because writing is scary.

If we were having coffee I would tell you that, speaking of writing, I am also supposed to be interviewing my six year old nephew today and I have done nothing so far to prepare for that.

I joined Daily Post’s Writing 201 workshop and of course they started with an assignment that would be the most difficult for me to do, an interveiw. I decided to interview my nephew because interviewing a six year old shouldn’t be very intimidating, except that it is.

I’m going to do it anyway, even though my brain is screaming for me to come up with some excuse, any excuse, NOT to do it. I try to remember that anytime you are afraid to do something it means that is something you really should be doing.

This is an opportunity to overcome something and grow. Who knows? This might actually turn out to be a really good interview and subsequent blog post.

If we were having coffee I would tell you that this week I made a choice to turn down an opportunity at work to focus on my person projects. This is the first time I’ve ever done that and I feel very nervous about it.

My boss had asked me to join a committee to help come up with ideas to recruit and hire more people. At first I thought they just wanted me to come up with a few ideas but no, there were actual assignments too.

There was no real benefit for me to do this except that it would look good later on down the line if I ever tried to move up. The thing is I already do a lot of extra things that will look good later on. I work my butt off all day going above and beyond.

But I have this writing thing I’m doing now, which I hope might actually be something one day. I think it’s important to focus a certain amount of time on it. This committee was just cutting into my already short supply of free time and it was doing it with minimal benefit to me.

So I told my boss I couldn’t do it. He sounded very disappointed and I felt really bad. I hope I made the right choice. I’m not known to ever turn anything down and my fear is that my bosses will stop thinking so highly of me and I will burn bridges that I may need later.

Then again it’s just one stupid committee and I’m sure it won’t make or break my career, right?

If we were having coffee I would have to update you on my efforts to quit smoking. So, in case you forgot, I quit on November 13th. So I have been nicotine free for 24 whole days! I have NOT smoked 241 cigarettes! I have save $66 and 1 whole day of my life!

I feel great too. I’m less tired all the time and my mood is definitely better. The cravings are getting less frequent and I am dealing with them much better. I think I have gotten through the worst of it, easy-peasy!

If we were having coffee I would say I was sorry but I have to run, there are more chores to be done and an interview to conduct in a few hours.

Sorry to have gone on and on about myself, I have a tendency to do that. I’d love if you told me how your were doing in the comments though! And please, have a wonderful rest of your Sunday :)