February, the month devoted to Black History, and to lovers of romance, passes by far too quickly. I wish this one had been a leap year. I wish I could have had one more day to complete one more thing and end the month on a more satisfying note. Instead, I’m scrambling and disappointed. That isn’t entirely true. February was good to me, I don’t think I was good in return though.
I procrastinated and lost sight of what I set out to do. I spent far less of my time writing, reading, and creating then I meant to but so many of the last 28 days were filled with love, and beauty, and discovery, I can’t say it was all bad. I just had to make hard choices about my time, that’s all, and if it had been at another time of year, I might have chosen differently. I’m hoping that March will afford me more options and more time for me.
I leave the month inspired and proud of what I was able to do. I’m determined to make slow but steady progress and my biggest goal to remake this space into a place where I explore more ideas, work out what I think and how I think. I look forward to writing again.
But first, here is what I am currently:
Writing blog posts and more blog posts. A writer I admire very much, Austin Kleon, has been keeping up a daily blogging habit and recently shared a post he wrote some time ago about how and why he blogs the way that he does. It changed the way I thought about what I was doing, or, more accurately, not doing, here. I read too much bad advice and compared myself too harshly to others. I couldn’t write anymore. But I feel like I’m at least pointed in the right direction now and all I have to do is take a tiny step forward. Before the end of March I will begin again, and this time I will be writing here every single day.
Making notebooks! Last month, I mentioned that I was working on finding a new journal for myself. Well, I finally finished it, and while it is undoubtedly flawed and no part of the project went as smoothly as I hoped it would, I love it! I learned so much while making it, both about bookbinding and about myself. I learned that bookmaking is like meditation and that making things with my hands is the best way to relax in the evening. I’m slowly filling it up (another daily habit I had to begin again too), and I can’t wait to make another, even better one next!
I’ve also made a scrap paper sketchbook—pics soon!—and I’m putting together a pocket notebook too. I’m actively looking for new bookbinding projects to begin and new ways to fill the books I’ve already made.
Been working on this DIY journal project foreeeeeever but it's finally done and ready to write in. The idea was to make the entire outside of the notebook black, including page edges, and have bright fuchsia paper with randomly alternating plain, ruled, dot, grid, hexagon, and triangle lined paper inside. I think it came out well for my first bookbinding project and I'm excited to use it and make an even better one when I'm done. Thanks for all the info and tutorials @sealemon 😊 (@char_adams86 contributed the quote to the inside cover 😍)
Planning my wedding, and it isn’t nearly as much fun as everyone acts like it should be. I honestly believe it’s because we’re still in search of a venue. We found one we love, but it’s pricey. As excited as I am to marry the girl of my dreams, finally, and as much as we both want to give the other a day every bride dreams of, it’s hard to justify spending thousands of dollars—years of savings—on just a few hours of celebration.
Anticipating more sunlight! Finally, Spring is close enough to begin feeling excited about. I’m looking forward to a typical Colorado spring with increasingly unstable but steadily warming temperatures and the days continuing to grow longer and longer. I’m looking forward to the smell of honeysuckle, fresh cut grass, and rain! Oh, I have missed rain so much! Soon, very soon.
Reading The Oresteia, still. The book is really, really interesting but it isn’t an easy read for me. First of all, it’s a play, and the structure makes it hard for me to visualize the action. Second of all, its old. This particular translation from Greek to English seems to prioritize a natural way of speaking, but I still struggle with the metaphors and the grandiosity.
I also discovered the poetry of Nayyirah Waheed this month. I downloaded both her books, salt., and nejma, and I’m working my way through them quickly. Reading her poetry feels like radical self-care.
Watching Here and Now on HBO. On the surface, it’s just another show about another dysfunctional family, but underneath there is an exploration of race relations, aging, and some weird supernatural psychological creepiness too. I highly recommend it along with Altered Carbon on Netflix, a sci-fi murder mystery set in the future where human consciousness can be stored, uploaded, and downloaded into a new body, even after death.
I can’t move into March without mentioning Black Panther. I don’t have the words yet to describe how a film like that made me feel. I nearly cried, same as when I attended the all-femme showing of Wonder Woman when it came out. That what representation long denied and finally, finally realized, feels like.
Reflecting on one year since my ulcerative colitis diagnosis and everything I have learned about my body, changed in my life, and failed to do for my well being since then. I don’t know if it’s age—my 30s feels almost like a second puberty where my body is changing in depressing and disturbing ways I don’t understand—or if it’s my diagnosis, but I don’t feel as energetic or as beautiful as I did before the beginning of last year. I am pledging now to find a way to move more and to learn to love my body through its changes. I’m convinced self-love is necessary to aging gracefully.
Learning how to filter other people’s thoughts through my own mind—more inspiration from Austin Kleon. I read a lot. I listen to a lot of podcasts. I watch all kinds of interesting shows and movies. Sometimes, I even listen to good music, or just learn a fun new fact.
All of it makes me think and feel new deeply, and I want very much to share the way I think and feel with all of you, but I have a hard time giving myself permission share it. It feels like stealing, or like copying. Someone already wrote about it, so there isn’t any reason to say it again, right?. But there is something to say about how something changed me. There is something to be said about where it led me and where I hope to lead you by sharing it.
Feeling ready to wake from my hibernation. My bones and joints long to move and hold weight again. My muscles are sore and longing for space to stretch. I’m hungry and curious and searching for adventure and connection again. I want to feel the sun on my skin, and I want to see the moon again. I’m waking up with the world, again.
Fearing what I will do with myself when my girlfriend goes out of town for work in a few weeks. We’ve lived together for over 13 years, and I can probably count all the nights we’ve spent apart using only my fingers. I don’t sleep well, eat well, or feel well at all without her and she’ll be gone for six whole days. Worse, ill be driving myself to and from work, and to my mothers once a day to care for her cats since she’s leaving town too! I’ll be working all on my own to overcome this driving anxiety. I’m scared, but I’m also kind of excited. I’m hoping having no choice but to drive on my own for six days will force the progress I’ve been struggling to make.
Needing more human interaction in my life. I’ve been busy. I’ve been sick. I’ve been feeling down, and disappointed, anxious, and, at times, lonely. My friends and family are all hibernating too, or they’re working, or they are sick, or they are just too tired, and it is just too cold outside and anyway they’re broke and so am I, so we haven’t seen each other since Christmas or longer. I want to reach out but it’s hard, and I’m mad at them for not reaching out, but it has to be just as hard for them too I guess. I’m afraid I’m growing away from people. I need the courage to build all my bridges again.
Loving the WeCroak app. It may sound strange but installing an app that reminds me five times a day that I am going to die and offers a quote, a bit of wisdom, on the inevitable end to reflect upon, has done more for my well being than any mindfulness or productivity app I have ever tried. When you remember you are going to die, scrolling Twitter and Facebook no longer feel like a good use of your time, and you choose something more fulfilling to do. It’s even helped with my death anxiety by offering comfort through validation of my fear. The trick is to fight the urge to swipe away the notification and to really take in what the quotes are trying to teach you. Best $0.99 I have ever spent!
Hating the way I can see so clearly the divide between black and white, men, and women, old and young, rich and poor, the people with power and the people they exploit, but I can’t do anything to fix it. I feel helpless, useless, and worse, part of the problem myself. I’m angry and tired of being so forgiving of the people who deny more and people like me the dignity of a life where I can feel free and fulfilled. I’m angry, and sometimes I want to take a page from my oppressor’s book. I want desperate measures and the shady tactics. I don’t want to be patient. I don’t’ want to be kind. I want all the bad things to STOP! I want to stop being afraid and start feeling safe, and whole, and important.
Hoping the energy I am seeing behind gun control in this country won’t fizzle out. I’m tired of the world moving on so easily after all this tragedy. When children are killing children, the world should stop and reflect. The world should change. Everything should feel different when the halls of our schools run with blood and ring with gunshots. I believe in the Second Amendment, but we’ve gone too far! We’ve placed the rights of weapons dealers over the lives of children! I’m angry, and I’m heartbroken, but I believe in these kids, and I’m hopeful for the future.
All in all, February was a good month, it just wasn’t the month I thought it would be. I had hoped for more from myself by now. I’m trying so hard to focus on all the progress I have made, even if it isn’t the progress I had planned to make. Things are moving forward. The world is changing, and I am changing with it. I’m back in a space that belongs to me. I’m making things with my hands. I’m back on the path to learning about myself, with you.
But how about you? How did February treat you? How much have you learned and grown? What has made you feel disappointed or afraid? Did you see Black Panther? Absolutely amazing film, right? Did you spend Valentine’s Day with a special someone? Let me know in the comments.
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The inspiration for these posts comes from Andrea at Create.Share.Love.