When the Universe Celebrates Itself

One this day, an eye blink ago, relatively,
this tiny corner of the cosmos was born.
Today, all that exists whispers, “Happy Birthday to me.”

***

If you like this post check out my weekly-ish newsletter for interesting reads + my own existential musings on life, love, and inevitable human suffering, or buy me a cup of coffee perhaps? It is my birthday after all :)

Written (a week late) in response to the Ink in Thirds Three Line Thursday prompt: Celebrate

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I Woke Up This Morning and I Was 30 Years Old!

I feel fine, really. I mean, I knew this was going to happen, I had plenty of warning. I’m not sad at all and I don’t think my life is over.  In fact I feel quite the opposite. I feel like I can now become the person I have wanted to be all along. At worst I feel nervous and anxious because more than anything I want to do things right in my 30s. I want to start making strides into the future I have been dreaming of my whole life.

I’m not sad to leave my 20s, those years kinda sucked. In their defence it was all the fault of my teen years, which were disastrous. Those years are fully behind me now and I have dealt with and suffered any and all consequences. This last year of my 20s was the best one yet and gives me hope that moving forward things can only get better. I have hope that I can finally move on and do everything I should have done in my 20s, in my 30s. I am honestly excited!

I have this feeling that there are great things waiting for me right around the corner. I think all I have to do is keep putting one foot in front of the other until I get there. I never felt like that in my 20s. In my 20s I felt lost. I had no idea which way to go and I was afraid of heading the wrong way so I froze, I stood absolutely still. I don’t feel like I improved much but one thing I did accomplish was figuring out which way to go. Once I did that I also gained a sense of urgency.

I feel more mature and sure of myself now. In my 20s I was basically a teenager with the full rights and responsibilities of an adult. I made a lot of bad decisions simply because I didn’t know any better or because I was scared. I paid my bills late, I got fired from jobs, I treated my significant other badly, I ate terrible foods and drank and drugged, and, worst of all, I didn’t love myself. Now I know better, now I know what is right and wrong, and now I know how to be brave enough to do the tough things.

I have learned to make the right kind of friends. In my 20s I was a social butterfly. I talked to anyone and everyone and they were all my friends. I got hurt many times thinking that someone cared about me or could be trusted. I learned the hard way that not everyone can be your friend. Hell, I had to learn what the word friend even meant! Now I know they are people who have proven they are there for you. They are people who have your best interests at heart. They are people who really do love you and accept you for exactly who you are.

I feel more in love than ever with my girlfriend. I have always loved her but in my 20s I didn’t know how a relationship was supposed to be. I didn’t know how to express my love in the right ways. I didn’t know how to balance me, and us, and her and I didn’t know how to talk about the problems. We got lucky, we both gave the other a second chance to make things right and we have learned how to love each other the right way. I look forward to the rest of my life with the best girlfriend anyone could ask for.

There’s more but the bottom line is everything is looking up and I am happy to move into a new age in my life. I feel like I have shed my old skin and slithered into something new and wonderful, something more fitting and comfortable. I feel like I have all the energy and drive I did before but I have a better brain to match.

For me, turning 30 isn’t the end of the world, turning 30 is the beginning of something great. I feel nothing but hope and positivity at the chance to move forward.

For The Little Sister I Look Up To

One of my goals this year was to try to appreciate my loved ones a little more. One of the ways I want to do that is to write about each member of my family on their birthday. I want to take the time to really think about the relationships I have with them and what they mean to me. I want to highlight the ways they make my life better and the reasons why I love them so much.

The first birthday of the year belongs to my little sister Tonya. Out of a total of five siblings, three sisters and two brothers, I am the oldest, and Tonya is second in line. She’s four years younger than me so growing up there were times where we had a lot in common and times when the four years difference made us strangers to each other. I have always felt especially close to her though, ever since my father left when I was little and I had to help my mom take care of the kids.

I love all my siblings equally but she is the one who experienced the same childhood as me. I took care of her daily while my mom worked. I kept her safe and cooked her dinner. We fought sometimes but we were always in it together. Part of why I feel so close to her is because I think of her as a witness to the hardships I went through. I think of her as proof that what happened was real. And because we have been through a lot together she probably knows me better anyone besides my girlfriend. Not that I easily let myself be known by anyone in my family.

In my family, by quiet agreement, we tend to only show each other a small part of who we are. We are reluctant to share much for fear of looking stupid or being made fun of. Or maybe it’s only me that feels that way because Tonya shares a lot of what she feels and does. I am always very interested in her life. In fact, I live vicariously through her in many ways. From what I’ve seen of her she is smart, strong, and very determined. She wants to be a good mother and have a business doing what she loves. I respect that and support every decision she has made.

I mean, she was the first one in the family to go to college and has recently started up her own blog and opened a store on Etsy. She has a good head on her shoulders and I admit, for most of our lives she was way ahead of me. More mature and had a better handle on her life and the direction she wanted to go in.

As much as I admire her I do worry I don’t know her very well, or that I don’t take enough time to be a good sister to her. Our relationship is a bit different from other sisters. We aren’t the type to call each other a whole lot, or even sit up all night together venting about our lives. But we also don’t have any drama between us. I hear other people complain about their sisters, saying they are “bitches” or judging their life choices. Me and Tonya would never think that way about each other. There is just no reason for us to fight, we accept each other for who we are.

I have always felt like we had a quiet connection. We both know the other will always be there, so we can relax and see each other or talk whenever. When I need her she is there. We work together to keep an eye on our mother. We joke together about our mother too. We talk about our feelings about our father, his absence in our childhood and his efforts to build a relationship with us now. We get together every week to visit and chit-chat and update each other on our lives.

She is the mother of my two favorite kids in the whole world, My six-year-old nephew, Jordan, and my one-year-old niece Morgan. They are beautiful kids, smart and funny, and she is a wonderful mother. I have enjoyed watching them grow and hearing her talk about the joys and misery of pregnancy and motherhood.

I imagine that I feel for her the way twins must feel about each other. She is a comfort to me and if anything ever happened to her I’d be devastated. I feel like there isn’t much I can offer her in return as a sister. She has made a good life for herself and I am here should she ever need me. I wish I had been a better sister when we were kids but I hope she knows I did my best. For now I just try to know her and be a good aunt to her kids.

And for today, on her 26th birthday, I wish her all the best. I wish her all the happiness and I hope she gets everything she wants. I hope her kids continue to be happy and healthy, I hope her family stays happy and strong they way they are now. And I hope she knows I love her and I couldn’t have asked for a better sister to share my childhood with.

You can follow my little sis on her mommy blog, LoveMoandJo, and please, check out her Etsy store too! There’s not much up yet but she’ll be adding more soon!