It’s nice to have friends who think on the same wavelengths we do. That is what friends are for after all. They’re versions of ourselves that we enjoy being around before going home to what you really need, to be with someone very different from us.
Because that is where the real growth happens, not with people who think like you but with people who don’t. It happens at home where it might not always feel nice. It might look more like arguing than compromise, or more like sulking, resentment, and defensiveness. Home is where you work out who you are with someone who’s working out who they are too. It’s messy, it’s beautiful, it’s life, and it just can’t happen when two people are too much alike.
To the woman I love, thank you for having the same life goals as me and very different ideas about how to get there. Thank you for your almost alien perspective. Thank you for your outside interests. Thank you for your baggage and your bias. If not for you, sure, I might still be able to think and sympathize outside of my own experience but I would never have been capable of taking the leap to living outside of my comfort zone.
I’m doing something new here. In addition to my regular blog post, I’m adding these journal entries. The goal is to post one every day hence the title of each will be the current day number out of 365. I was inspired to try this by Thord D. Hedengren.
Oh, and, as always, thank you for reading. If you like this post check out my weekly-ish newsletter for inspiring reads + existential musings on life, love, and inevitable human suffering. Or help support what I do by sharing a virtual cup of coffee.
I didn’t feel like going in to work this morning.
Just felt like I needed a little time to myself. Being around other people is just so tiring, and nothing seems important right now. It’s not like I’m depressed, I mean I am sad, really fucking sad, but I’m not depressed really. Not any more than I usually am anyway. It’s just that my dog died, and that was a big event, and it makes everything else seem petty and unimportant. I care about going to work yes, because paying bills is still important, but everything I do at work seems stupid now. My boss talks and I zone out. People ask me what to do or what the plan is and I just shrug my shoulders. None of it means anything.
I do still care very much about my girlfriend and I care about our home. In fact the only time I feel happy is when we are at home together, safe in our own world. Nothing else even exists when we are home together. Sucks she couldn’t stay home with me this morning though. I’m not sure if being at home without her is any better than going to work but she will be off for lunch soon.
I hope with time this feeling will go away. I see people at work treating me different and feeling awkward around me. Yesterday I felt like they were pushing for me to go home or take time off. I know part of that was actual, genuine concern, but I wonder if part of it was not wanting to be around my attitude. I’m afraid my boss will start feeling like I’m not doing enough, or he will stop giving me work to do out of pity. Right now I have the luxury of acting like this but next week I will be back to regular work and I will have to get my shit together. Get my poop in a group as my friend would say.