For World IBD Awareness Day // Your Body Isn’t the Problem

It’s been just over a year since my ulcerative colitis diagnosis and so much has changed for me, and about me, since then.

I’ve been through so many medications. I’ve spent a lot of time cooped up at home and come to appreciate every day that I get to spend outside of it. I’ve learned that I’m lucky to have the support system I do and, I’ve learned how easy it is for people to look right through me. I’ve learned a lot about myself, and my body, and how I feel about both, and those lessons are the ones I want to share with you today, May 19th, World Inflammatory Bowel Disease Awareness Day.

Inflammatory bowel disease is an umbrella term for disorders that involve chronic inflammation of the digestive tract. Common symptoms include diarrhea, abdominal pain, fatigue, and weight loss but each person with IBD experiences it a little differently from every other. There can be joint pain, eye, skin, and liver inflammation, severe bleeding, increased cancer risk, and more.

Two types of IBD are Crohn’s disease and ulcerative colitis. The two differ in that Crohn’s can develop anywhere in the digestive tract from the mouth to the anus, whereas ulcerative colitis is confined to the colon or large intestines. In addition, Crohn’s can affect all layers of the bowel wall, while ulcerative colitis only impacts the innermost layer of the colon.

I caution people against comparing the severity of the two diseases. A person with Crohn’s may only experience mild symptoms and may be able to easily control their condition with medication while a person with ulcerative colitis may live in debilitating pain and experience a host of complications for years while trying every available avenue until surgery is required to remove the colon entirely.

Neither of these conditions should be confused with Irritable Bowel Syndrome or IBS, a common digestive disorder that causes abdominal pain and changes in bowel movements but doesn’t cause lasting damage to the digestive system.

Not a lot is known about the cause of inflammatory bowel disease, and there is no known cure, only remission achieved through trying a series maintenance drugs that come with their own risk of side effects until something works. You take that drug or combination of drugs until they stop working, and then you try a different combination all the while toughing out the side effects doctors have little sympathy for.

And as if the disease wasn’t bad enough, and the meds weren’t even worse, there is something even harder to explain, to see, and to cope with, something no one talks about. It’s something hard to put into words and something far harder for someone who can’t feel it to empathize with. The emotional pain and the loss of self, that is what I wish the rest of the world were a little more aware of. How badly I miss who I used to be and how hard it has been for me to love who I have become, both body and soul.

Even the best gastroenterologist, unless they suffer from this disease themselves, can’t understand the shame and the sadness that comes with missing out on life because you have to stay close to the bathroom and the bed. They never tell you how well you will get to know your body, how much time you will spend alone with it, and how little you will recognize it as a part of you.

When I first met with my gastroenterologist 8 weeks after diagnosis, I was already emotionally and mentally a shell of myself. I felt disconnected from my body. I was my mind, my body was something I was chained to, a diseased and weak thing I was forced to drag around. I hated my body. It had betrayed me. It had failed me, and after all, I had done for it, how dare this meat bag put me through so much. I went from being a happy, friendly, and curious person to being angry, sullen, and withdrawn in a matter of months.

I didn’t mean to lose myself so quickly, but your world kind of turns upside down when your body and mind become at odds with one another. It’s a jarring experience, especially for the young. You look at your self in the mirror you are disgusted by what you know is a defective physical manifestation of who you are you. You wash yourself in the shower and can’t bring yourself to look down. You do what must be done by your body, no more no less, no love and nothing extra. You separate from yourself and this disconnect, though natural and completely understandable, negatively impacts your quality of life.

What I want my fellow IBD warriors to know is that defective body you have come to hate is trying so hard to get well and what it needs from you is what you need from the rest of the world. Your body needs support, understanding, time to rest, to heal, to be the best it can be. Your body isn’t the problem. The problem is the world your body has been forced to navigate which leaves no space for bodies in pain and never slows for bodies who need more time.

It’s taken me a long time to realize that my body, me, I, am trying very hard to heal but some parts are just broken. Parts are missing, or maybe there are too many parts. The instructions to function are deleted, scrambled, corrupted, and irretrievable, but my body is trying. I am trying.

I know now that my body hasn’t failed me. I failed myself when I failed to see myself as a whole entity. I failed when I rejected myself. I failed when I dragged myself around like spoiled meat. When I refused to see myself or to love myself. When I failed to be understanding and tender. My body is strong, and it deserves love from me at the very least.

I’m still suffering. I’m still in pain, and I’m still frustrated. I’m still stressed out and I’m still very worried about what the future will bring, but I know none of that is my fault. It isn’t my bodies fault. It isn’t anyone’s fault!

Instead, I point my rage where it belongs. I’m frustrated that it takes so long to move from one treatment plan to another. I’m frustrated by the red tape and the sky-high price tags on medication I need to live my life. I’m frustrated that so many other IBD suffered I’ve spoken too have so little information and doctors who don’t return a phone call or explain where they should go from here. I’m frustrated by people who dangle false hopes of a cure and by the suffering spread by loved ones with no patience, compassion, or understanding.

I’m frustrated by an economic system that won’t let you take time off of work to give your body the rest it needs. I’m frustrated by a society that teaches us that self-care is selfish, that stress is normal, that invisible illnesses don’t exist. I’m frustrated by businesses that close their bathrooms to the public. I’m frustrated by the lack of accommodations everywhere you go. I’m frustrated that the world doesn’t see me, all of me.

I’m frustrated that it’s so hard for me to see me too.

But I’m trying, and I think we should all try a little harder to see ourselves, but especially those of us dealing with IBD, and anyone with a chronic illness. You have to make peace with your body the way it is now. You have to work with it, compromise with it, embrace it, encourage it, and love it. You have to take to be able to look in the mirror and register what you see as you. You have to be able to touch your own skin and connect with yourself.

All bodies will find their limits eventually, and those limits will constrict with time for us all. I want you to know, fellow IBD and chronic illness sufferer, that your capacity for self-awareness, self-acceptance, and self-love will far outpace the average human because you have had to find that truth sooner.

Today, I just want you to know I see you and I know what you are going through. I know it’s hard. I want you to know that I am proud of you and that every part of you is beautiful and good just the way it is.

Let’s make sure the whole world knows it too.

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Thanks for reading! If you like this post check out my weekly-ish newsletter for inspiring reads + existential musings on life, love, and inevitable human suffering. Or help support what I do by sharing a virtual cup of coffee.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

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If We Were Having Coffee // I Slept a Whole Day Away, Again

“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”

― Abraham Lincoln

Hello, dear readers! Whew look at the time, I’m so sorry it’s late. Then again, coffee in the evening can be just as nice as coffee in the morning, you know? Coffee that you drink not because you have to but because you want to because coffee isn’t just for keeping you awake but actually tastes good too, when you take the time to make it right, serve it right, and sip it slowly.

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If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I was actually up early this morning as I always am now because Of my stomach and my medication but I wasn’t feeling well and as, after I had eaten, I fell right back to sleep on the couch. I fell asleep for about hours, waking here and there and trying to will myself up and around the house and losing every time.

This isn’t the first time this has happened, but it is very unlike me. I like naps, don’t get me wrong but not that early in the day and not for that long.

My new medicine still isn’t working yet, and my body is just tired. I’m working on accepting that this is my new normal, at least for now. The doctor said I needed to be patient and wait five or six weeks to see if this medicine will help and it hasn’t even been three, yet so I have a long way to go still. In the meantime, I’m being taken off the steroid which is contributing to this yucky, sleeping feeling.

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If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I am so bummed to have to return to work tomorrow. This past week was our spring break, and while I did have to work a little, a very, very little, and there was some bad weather, we did manage to get out and have some fun.

Thursday we went to the Denver Art Museum for the Star Wars costume exhibit which turned out to be much more in depth and interesting than I thought it would. I was glad for that, I didn’t feel so guilty dragging my girlfriend to it.

It should have been called the Padmé Amidala exhibit, though, since she had the most costumes throughout the films and each was more elaborate and more beautiful than the last. If you have no idea what I am talking about you need to stop here and go start a Star Wars marathon.

Afterward, we tried out a new seafood restaurant, one we had never heard of but had received a Groupon gift for. It was in a hidden part of town I had never now about before, with a few blocks of shops, dining, and bars surrounded by housing. I’ve lived in this city nearly my whole life and never knew about this gem. The food was great, and I can’t wait to go back to the area for more exploring.

Friday we were supposed to head up to Boulder, CO but the weather went to shit, and neither of us wanted to visit an outdoor mall in the rain. We ended up at the movies instead, my favorite thing to do anytime, and saw Raw, an artsy coming of age horror film lots of cannibalism and gore. Then we went for sushi and shopping :)

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If we were having coffee, I would tell you that my first post for the Blogging A to Z Challenge, A is for the Arctic, Which is Melting, turned out pretty well I think, but I’m sitting here quietly panicking because I have nothing else written, at all! I’m the worst blogger ever I swear. Like, sometimes I don’t even know what I’m doing here, but I can’t stop?

Anyway, I have notes for tomorrow’s post, and some vague ideas for a few other days, but that’s it. I don’t know what I expect you to do about it, except throw me a few ideas if you have any? I’m looking for catastrophic failures of humanity here. News stories about our inability to save ourselves or any other life on this planet. I want to know about all the ways we are destroying whatever is right and good inside ourselves. You’d think I have plenty of ideas, and I do, but I need them narrowed down to specifics.

But, whether nor not I get help, I am determined to do the best I can all through April and during this challenge. It’s important to me to tell these stories.

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If we were having coffee, I would tell you that, sadly, I have to go. In the short time, we have been here I have switched from coffee to red wine, and my lovely girlfriend has finished making what looks like the best lasagna I have ever seen. Tonight is a bit of a special night, we are watching the finale of Big Little Lies, and I don’t want to miss a moment.

I hope you had a wonderful week and a very relaxing weekend. SLEave a note in the comments below and catch me up. I’d love to hear how you are and what you’ve been up to.

Until next time :)

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Check out my weekly-ish newsletter for interesting reads + my own existential musings on life, love, and inevitable human suffering, or buy me a cup of coffee perhaps? 

Written for to the Weekend Coffee Share link-up hosted by Nerd in the Brain

Featured image via Unsplash

A Most Embarrassing Thing

Today I want to talk about something I really don’t like talking about. I don’t like talking about it because it is embarrassing and frustrating and sometimes scary. See….something is wrong with my body, more specifically, something is wrong with my digestive system, and it’s really starting to affect my life in a very negative way.

I’ve had digestive problems for most of my life, but for the in the past they were pretty mild. By digestive problems I mean gas, bloating, diarrhea, constipation, abdominal pain, urgency, bleeding, and fatigue. It’s all very gross and “TMI”, I know. Over the years the symptoms have come and gone and every time I hope it is the last time, but it always comes back. In fact it’s starting to seem like every time it comes back it is worse.

At this point I am planning my life around access to a bathroom. I don’t like to go do things where I will be away from a toilet for too long. It’s very frustrating to live like this and I hate being in such pain all the time. I want to go to the doctor to finally find out what is wrong with me and figure out how to make it stop so I can live my life like a normal person. The problem is an issue of money. I don’t have insurance right now and I can’t really afford to pay out of pocket for the tests and procedures I am sure I will need. I know my girlfriend is frustrated too. It can’t be easy seeing me live like this.

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For now I am just trying to eat a more “bland” diet and be easy on my digestive tract. I am also doing a lot of research and I think what I’m dealing with is some sort of Inflammatory Bowel Disease, like Crohn’s disease or Ulcerative colitis. They sound scary but at this point I don’t care what the diagnosis is, as long as I finally have one. I want the reassurance, the confirmation, that I am not crazy, or lazy, that I have a real problem! That I have a valid reason for not being able to do everything everyone can all the time.

Doing research has also lead me to a few blogs, particularly on Tumblr, by people who suffer from similar problems as me. I was so excited to find other people who understood what it’s like to live their lives around toilets! I told my girlfriend I had found my people! She rolled her eyes but she is happy I found people who understand. Once I get an official diagnosis I will probably connect more with these people but for now it is at least a comfort. I don’t feel so alone or embarrassed, or scared….

Some times I am in so much pain I feel like my insides must be all messed up. I feel like whatever is wrong is going to kill me. Maybe not immediately, although I worry about that too when it gets really, really bad. I mostly worry that my life expectancy is greatly reduced. I assume my body isn’t functioning as efficiently as other’s and it can’t sustain that for very long. I imagine I will die early because I have crappy intestines. No pun intended.

I wrote this for two reasons. For one, I need to get this out. I have no one, besides Chardonnay, to talk to about this and I hate to make her worry so much. Two, I feel the need to join the cause to make things like this less taboo. Just like my post last week on periods this is something that I should feel okay to talk about when I need to. I shouldn’t be afraid or embarrassed to tell people why I can’t do things, why I am tired, and why exactly my stomach hurts, and nobody else going through these things should be embarrassed either!

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