Currently // January 2018: I’m Glad Its Over, but I Wish It Wasn’t

Oh my gosh it’s a whole new month, and I am late posting my “Currently” list! One day January was dragging, and I had plenty of time, then POOF! the next day it was gone. I had so much planned, so much I had hoped to have done by now, and of course, OF COURSE, life has thrown curve ball after curve ball, and nothing at all has turned out the way that I wanted it to. Turns out there was a whole lot of day job work waiting for me right around the corner from the holidays. Work that left nearly no time at all for writing, or reading, or art.

I’ve seen posts on Twitter from people proclaiming that their “2018 will start on February 1st, January is a free trial month. I think I will head into February with the same mentality. January was a trial month. A month for easing into the year. A month to get my feet wet in and to get all that “other work” and procrastination out of the way and now I can spend the next 11 months of 2018 doing great things!

But first, here is what I am currently:

Writing all the things, when I can that is, but none of it has been worth sharing. I have a couple dozen ideas for blog posts, newsletter topics, Twitter threads, essays, poems, zines, and book chapters all scribbled out on post its and pieces of scrap paper but nothing coherent, nothing fully realized, nothing tangible. I’m getting there but so so slowly. I’m working on being okay with that.

Making a new journal/diary, and a new art journal. I used this tutorial for the journal, but mine is going to be all black on the outside, of course, and hot pink on the inside. The pages are all printed, each with a different pattern: some ruled, some with dots, other with hexagons, and triangles, and more. The art journal is a combination of this tutorial and this tutorial. The pages are all different sizes, thickness, colors, and textures, and I am full of ideas and very excited to finish it, and very afraid to finish it too. I’m taking them both very slowly, trying not to let my fear get the best of me. Trying not to freeze up and let myself down.

Planning our wedding, for real this time! We’ve pushed our date back for the last time and have just under nine months to make this thing happen. We’ve set up a Trello board, we’ve designed our save the dates, and we’ve gathered venue options to start visiting. Were entirely overwhelmed but we’re taking it one step at a time and trying to remember that 10 months is more than enough time if you make sure to do a little something every single day.

Anticipating Valentine’s Day with my wonderful wife to be. We’re going to brunch at a jazz place we found by accident last summer and seeing a ballet performance of Romeo and Juliet. Of course, it won’t compare to the 1996 film starting DiCaprio as Romeo and Harold Perrineau as Mercutio. Maybe we’ll watch that too, afterward.

Reading The Oresteia by Aeschylus, still. I need to need to need to finish it soon before I fall too far behind my 30 book reading goal for the year. I think id better go book shopping soon. It helps to have a good book waiting for you after you finish a difficult book. It keeps you motivated.

Watching The Chi on Showtime, a show about the day-to-day violence and grief people of Chicago’s face, and Hate Thy Neighbor on Viceland, in which comedian Jamali Maddix travels around the world meeting alt-right, racist, and homophobic groups. I finished Scandal, and I’m catching up on Grey’s Anatomy but I have long since forgotten why I like either one.

Learning Spanish still, but not much else at the moment. I had hoped to sign the International Women’s Health and Human Rights Course but with work, and the wedding, and winter getting to me, it wasn’t a good time. I attempted to complete the course late last summer, but I was applying for the Bitch Media fellowship then and couldn’t keep up. I’ll try again for the February 24 enrollment date. In the meantime, I will be catching up on the Crash Course Sociology playlist.

Feeling exhausted! I don’t know what it is, but I am having a harder and harder time getting out of bed in the mornings. I feel sleep deprived and zombified. I’m drinking more and more coffee all the time which I suspect is only exacerbating the problem. I blame winter.

Needing more time. January has dragged on longer than any month should, and still it doesn’t feel like enough. I’m ready for it to end, but I wish it wouldn’t. I need more time. More time to sleep. More time to do the things I want to do. More time to check a few more items off the to-do list, to make a dream or two come true, to rectify a regret. I need more time to take care of myself. I need more time with the people I care about who seem to be just as busy, exhausted, and depressed as me. I’d like more time to let myself care and more time to connect. Most of all, I’d like more time to do nothing at all.

Loving love! Normally for me, February is all about Black History Month, and I’m still mindful of that, but this being the year I am getting married, all I can think about is love. I’ve been with my girlfriend for over 15 years, and I have learned so much about connection, caring, and compassion. I’ve learned how to equally be an individual, and be a part of a couple too. I’ve learned how to grow with someone. I’ve learned how to love in healthy ways, and I’ve learned how to articulate the way I need to be loved too. I’ve learned and continue to learn every day what words like marriage, relationship, compromise, and “happily ever after,” really means. I love that real life, hard, messy, angry, frustrating, deep, quiet, and calm kind of love.

Hating this new trend in America where we base a person’s worthiness, “American-ness”, is based solely on how much they can contribute to the economy. How much product can you generate? How much supply will you be able to demand? If you can’t work, invest, or buy you aren’t welcome. I thought a person’s life was priceless? I thought life and liberty and the pursuit of happiness were non-negotiable? It is our responsibility! It is our problem. IF not us, who? Aren’t we trying to do better? Do better!

Hoping that the focus on queer, non-binary, and all femme identifying people and the harassment, violence, and suffering we all face on a day-to-day basis continues. It’s about fucking time we address rape culture and the lengths our institutions will go to turn a blind eye. It’s about time we come together, support one another, and demand, DEMAND, acknowledgment, validation, and justice. I’m strengthened by the bravery I seen. I’m encouraged by the response. I’m hopeful that fewer women will carry such burdens and such pain with them in the future.

All in all, January was, honestly, a pretty hard month, but not in every area of my life. Some very good things were started this month too. I’m doing my best to remember that and move on with determination and focus. February will be short, and Spring is just around the corner and with it warmer weather, my birthday, and Spring Break! I just have to get there. I just have to remember that I’m happy. I’m in love. I have to remember to be grateful.

But how about you? How did you spend the first month of 2018? How are those resolutions holding up? What are you looking forward to in February? I hope all is well, and I hope you can find a way to care for yourself, take care of your to-do list, and take care of the people you love in the coming month.

***

Thanks for reading! If you like this post check out my weekly-ish newsletter for inspiring reads + existential musings on life, love, and inevitable human suffering. Or help support what I do by sharing a cup of coffee.

The inspiration for this posts come from Andrea at Create.Share.Love.

Featured photo is by Nathan Wolfe on Unsplash

Advertisements

January 2017 or It’s Cold, and I am Already Tired of that Man’s Stupid Face

Welp, we’ve come to the end of another month, or, we did yesterday anyway. I’m running a little behind, forgive me, please.  I’m glad this month is finally over, and even though it was rough, I still wanted to take a moment to share with you how I’m feeling, all the changes I have made, and everything I am looking forward to. Here is what I am currently:

Writing little stories I hope to turn into mini zines, but those are mostly for fun and just for me. On the serious side of things, I’m still plugging away at some poetry. Of course, I’m not plugging away as hard as I should be but I am already taking steps to encourage more motivation and focus. The plan is to submit a few to Platypus Press’s upcoming anthology in April.

Planning more blog posts. I haven’t been around much lately. I never really got back on track after the holidays. Then there was the political turmoil which I am still struggling to wrap my head around. Then there was work, and then anxiety, and then, and then, and then…It’s time I got back to it. No more excuses.

Making doctors appointments and more doctors appointments. I am hopeful I will find answers, and I am happy to suffer through any tortures the doctors recommend just to start feeling better. I want to be normal. I want to feel good again.

Anticipating…nothing at the moment. Lately, like many of you, I have been feeling a little hopeless. Part of it is my health and anxiety, part of it is our evil President, but some of it is also just the season. I get like this in the middle of every winter. I’ve been cooped up and cold for a long time now, and spring feels so far away. I’ll get better, no worries.

Reading nothing at the moment! I just finished both My Ántonia by Willa Cather and Daisy Miller by Henry James. I liked My Ántonia, but I didn’t care for Daisy Miller. It felt too much like a critique on American customs and freedom. I think I will return to Republic
by Plato until I can find something more interesting.

Watching The Young Pope on HBO. From my official Twitter review: “[The Young Pope] is weird… But good… But also bad… But in a good way? You should just go watch it.”

Feeling really crappy. I think I’ve talked enough about that, though. I’m also feeling loved too. My girlfriend has been so amazing. She’s supportive and encouraging and reassures me through every dreadful thought and panic. I tell her that I don’t know if I could have gotten this far without her and she still never takes credit. She tells me I am the strongest person she knows and I would be just fine.

Needing some time to just rest. There won’t be time for a proper vacation, the kind that lasts a week or more but spring break is coming, and even though I have to work some, we might be able to sneak a weekend trip in. I hope so anyway, I am in desperate need of a change of pace and scenery.

Loving Hollister jeans! I hate to endorse a company like this but damn these jeans fit good! Being a genderqueer woman with curves and no desire to accentuate them means struggling to find well-fitting clothes. Being a genderqueer woman who wants real pockets and a comfortable fit means struggling to find well-fitting clothes. Being a genderqueer woman who struggles to find men’s jeans that fit a woman’s body means these jeans have been like heaven.

Hating Donald Trump, still. I am trying not to hate because it’s a destructive emotion, but this guy has pushed me beyond self-control. I hate him. I hate seeing his stupid privileged face on TV. I hate hearing him lie through his stupid lips. I hate that he won and that so many people in the world are just like him. Fuck this guy.

Hoping that we can all find some way to stop this awful immigration ban. I hope we keep up the momentum. I hope we never give up. I hope the whole world stands with us and even if we have to suffer through the next four years entirely, I hope that we never make these mistakes again.

All in all, this month sucked and I have very little hope that February will be any better. I don’t mean for that to sound so sad. All the frustration and fear, they are big, but they are also vague and far away. I still have love, and hope, and happiness all around me.

***

If you like this post check out my weekly-ish newsletter on life, love, and suffering (:

The inspiration for this post comes from Andrea at Create.Share.Love.

Featured image via Unsplash

Currently // January

Updating my monthly budget. It’s tax time and that means looking over our finances, figuring out what we want to do, and what we ought to cut.

Writing poetry about sober thoughts and gloomy moods….in a good way :)

Making set of my own Oblique Strategies out of a deck of all black playing cards I had lying around. I’ll make sure to post picks when they are done :)

Feeling pretty proud of myself. Even though I didn’t complete all of my goals for the month I did end it feeling more productive than I have in a long time.

Needing things at work to calm down a little bit. We are a little short handed and that is causing a lot of freak outs and a lot of short tempers. I need everyone there to take a chill pill, or to take their negativity away from me.

Watching the Showtime app on Roku. We enjoyed the weekend trial we got with Hulu Plus and remembered how much we missed the show Shameless so, we signed up.

Reading the Prince and Other Writings by Machiavelli. I’m going to be soon though, hopefully this week if I stay focused.

Planning to start up a bullet journal. I’ve been using the calendar on my phone and a to-do app so I need a planner less and less, but I will never be able to give up the feel of manually writing down what is in my head. I think a bullet journal is will work nicely.

Loving my beautiful, smart, kind, and accomplished girlfriend. I’ve been worrying about her and how much she works but I am also in awe of her. I could never handle so much stress and I would surely buckle under the kind of pressure she faces everyday.

Hating this Godforsaken season! There are just under 50 days left until the first day of Spring and I cannot wait!

Hoping we get as much snow as the news is saying is possible and school closes for a day or two. I could really use the time off :)

*************

Featured image via Flickr

If We Were Having Coffee – January Wrap-up Edition

If we were having coffee I would be having just a big cup of plain old coffee. Nothing fancy for me today, no macchiatos or lattes. Just coffee and I want it strong, with lots of milk and sugar.

If we were having coffee I would probably remark that I am so glad that January is finally over. It is such a long and cold month, I started to fear it would never end. I look forward to the short month and moving closer to spring. This month should be an easy one, but I say that at the beginning of every month. There really is no rest for the wicked.

If we were having coffee I would say that even though I am glad to see it go January wasn’t all bad. I think I made some progress with blogging and writing in general. I posted more often, but not as much as I wanted. I started an editorial calendar, which I did well with for about a week before I started getting lazy. I haven’t abandoned it though, I have a ton scheduled for February. I moved whatever I didn’t get done over to the new month. Some of it even went into March.

If we were having coffee I would say that I am already behind in my goal to read more books this year. This month I only read two and I don’t even think they count since they were both tiny books. I read The Yellow Wallpaper by Charlotte Perkins Gilman, and Show Your Work by Austin Kleon.

The former was only 45 pages, and the latter, was mostly pictures.

I did start War of the Worlds and Rant which I hope to finish this month. I also want to read a several shorter books for Black History Month. I have The Souls of Black Folk, Up From Slavery, Narrative of Sojourner Truth, Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass, and two books of African-American poetry.

If we were having coffee I would tell you that I also have joined a new blogging event, “1000 Speak for Compassion“. The idea is to “get 1000 bloggers to write about compassion, kindness, support, caring, non-judgment, care for the environment, ect., and all post on the same day, Feb 20th.” I thought this sounded like a really nice thing. A time to talk about something good for once. I am all about compassion and empathy so this seemed right up my alley. I haven’t figured out the angle I want to go with yet but I’m working on it.

If we were having coffee I would encourage you to take a look and consider joining in. Take a look at the Facebook group and add your name to their long, and growing, list of participating bloggers. And If you write any posts about it use the hashtag #1000speak. I look forward to reading everyone’s posts on the big day.

If we were having coffee I would tell you that I am aware that today is Super Bowl Sunday, practically a national holiday here in the the United States, but I am not a big football fan so I don’t really celebrate the day. I don’t have any predictions nor am I rooting for either team. I will only be watching if I end up seeing my family (which I do every Sunday anyway) and they have it on. I do hope that everyone who is watching, or does care how this turns out, has a great time and enjoys the game.

If you’re like me and don’t celebrate the Super Bowl holiday, then I hope you enjoy the rest of your Sunday.

Monday is coming up fast and we’ll all have to get back to the hustle.

Monday Motivation, Goals, and Plans

This week I am going to distance myself from the negativity in my workplace. Last week wasn’t so great at work and I allowed myself to get angry and frustrated. I never want to let other people affect my emotions that way. What they do or think doesn’t concern me, so I need to let it go.

I want to focus on getting things done and having fun. I have friends here who aren’t into bickering or being complete assholes so I’m going to stick with them for now.

This week I want to get outside for a bit. While New York is projected to get upwards of 3 feet of snow, here in sunny Colorado we are going to see temperatures in the 70s! I am tired of stale air conditioning and harsh fluorescent bulbs, I need sunlight and warmth! I’m going to soak up all the good weather I can, just in case we don’t see it again until April.

I’d like to take a walk but I’m not sure I’ll be able to work it in. I can however notify my team that I will be working outside in front of the building. The Wi-Fi is still good there.

This week is the last week of January and I want to evaluate where I am with some of my goals. I already know I haven’t done as much as I’d hoped to but that’s ok. February is a new month and a new chance to begin again. I have a new set of goals and I want to take time this week to prepare myself and get together a list of supplies.

I have a craft project, an art project, and two Blogging U. courses going on. Plus a higher work load. I’m going to be busy!

Other than all of that, I’m just trying to make it through the week. If I do nothing else but make it in to work on time and put one foot in front of the other the rest of the day, everyday, then I’ll consider it a good week. I am feeling a bit burned out and I don’t want to push myself to hard. Getting shit done sounds nice but we all need a break too. I may need one this week.

I want to try to do everything I can first but I will be ok if I just survive until Friday. Sometimes that’s all we can do.