If We Were Having Coffee // A Bad Week that Wasn’t so Bad

“A friend of coffee is a friend of mine.”

― Death Wish Coffee

Hello, dear readers. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of coffee and catching up with me. I did my best to get going early this morning. It helped that I had to be up anyway. My stomach waking me up every morning around 5:30, just in time for medication and work, is my new normal. Unfortunately, my gut isn’t aware that it is the weekend, so here we are. The weather is gorgeous so I have the windows open and the cold brew already made.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this past week was not the best but sometimes when you get through a bad week, when you do your best and get everything done that you needed to, it feels like a good week anyway.

Work was frustrating. I can’t go into a lot of detail but imagine if you had a goal or task that took place over the course of months every year. Imagine are awesome and complete your tasks on time, every year. Then imagine that instead of getting to celebrate, relax, or move on to the next task, you were reminded by your boss that you were part of a team and that your job was to complete the work of other employees who hadn’t completed their tasks, every single year! It’s infuriating! But I’m taking care of myself. I set boundaries. I’m not going to stress myself out or overwork myself to complete this task.

But I’m taking care of myself. I set boundaries. I’m not going to stress myself out or overwork myself to complete this task. The get a couple of hours, two days a week, and that’s it, and from now on, instead of just checking in with my team, I will check in with other teams so that I can be free in April, as was always my goal.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you this week was a slow writing week. For most of the week, when I wasn’t working, I was just too tired. My health still isn’t back 100%, which reminds me, I finally had a consult with my GI doctor a whole month after my diagnosis! I’m angry it took so long, but I’m happy to have more information and a plan. It also helped that she started out by apologizing.

I’ll be honest, though, a lot of what she said was a bit depressing. She really made sure I understood that ulcerative colitis is for life. I can never stop treatment, and I can never lose my insurance. If I lose insurance treatment becomes too expensive. If I stop treatment, it may not work when I have to start again, and I will have to start again because ulcerative colitis is for life.

So, I’m back on the steroids, but at a lower dose, and an anti-inflammatory drug that I will take every day for the rest of my life. It will take a few more weeks to know for sure whether this plan will work or not but I’m hoping it will. If it doesn’t work, then I’ll have to move on to harsher drugs, and no one wants that. I’d much rather be taking these pills then giving myself injections or going in for infusions every few weeks. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that even though I didn’t post much, a few writing related things did happen. I had a piece published on Femsplain. I worked on a few things for Aloe, and, I found a fiction contest to enter if I can get my shit together.

I also changed a few things around here. Nothing big. I added a new page for work I’ve had published Elsewhere. I tweaked my About page and updated my Now page too, and I set up an account for donations/tips on Ko-fi. I don’t expect to get much now, but after I start working on some bigger projects I’m hoping to get a few bucks here and there to help keep my going. And finally, I spent a ton of time gathering ideas and information and talking with like-minded folks on both the Buffer Community and Femslack.

The Buffer Community is free if you would like to join but Femslack will cost you, or you can do what I did and write for them instead. It’s worth it!

It’s nice to feel like a part of a community—especially when it’s a secret “members only” one—and to know there are people I can ask questions of or vent to should I every need it. In fact, I’m thinking about setting up a community of my own in the future *wink, wink*

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this coming week should be easier than the last, which means I plan to be hanging around here much more. I have a ton of comments piled up and awaiting replies—I’m so sorry!—and a few posts drafted and waiting to be shared. I want to catch up on the comings and goings of my blogging friends and find some new ones to follow too.

It’s the last before Spring Break too. I don’t have any big plans yet, but my girlfriend and I are hoping to find something big to do. We’d love to get out-of-state for a few days, but I’d settle for just out of the city if I could. Even that might not happen, though. We need a dog sitter first and our usual, my little sister, has school that week. Sigh.

I can’t tell you how badly I need this vacation. I am going crazy doing the same things day in and day out with nothing new to stimulate or inspire me. I don’t care what we do or where we go as long as it is away from work, home, and everyone I know.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that, sadly, we have come to that time. I love chatting with you all and if given half a chance I could probably go on all day long but there are rooms to clean, pets to care for, and shopping to be done, not to mention all the writing itching to get done. So, I’d better get off the internet and out into the real world.

I hope you had a wonderful week I hope you had a relaxing weekend too. Please, take a minute to drop a note in the comments and catch me up on everything that has been going on.

Until next time 🙂

I don't understand how she can sleep with her nose buried in her own ass like that 😝

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***

Check out my weekly-ish newsletter for interesting reads + my own existential musings on life, love, and inevitable human suffering, or buy me a cup of coffee perhaps? 

Written for to the Weekend Coffee Share link-up hosted by Nerd in the Brain

Featured image via Unsplash

If We Were Having Coffee // I Waste Every Weekend

“I’d rather take coffee than compliments just now.”

― Louisa May Alcott, Little Women

Hello, dear readers. I know it’s late and I’m sorry for that. I had so much to do. I had to clean the house, do the taxes, and a very special dinner to make, not to mention the accidental nap I took. Next thing I knew, it was dark out, my alarm was telling me to get ready for bed, and I still hadn’t talked to you. I’m here now, though, I couldn’t let the weekend go by without our bit of coffee and catching up. I hope you don’t mind.

From what I hear, depending on when you are reading this and where from, there may be some of you across the country who will be needing a nice warm cup. I don’t want you all to be jealous, but here in colorful Colorado we are experiencing more spring like temps and will be for a while. It’s nice, but there is always the nagging fear of drought conditions. I’m afraid warmer temperatures and less water are going to be our new norm here.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this week has been so, so long. We hired a new employee class at which means I was busy training and teaching. I like this part of my job, and the extra hours/money it provides but damn does it get in the way of writing. I was able to get a few notes down, and this coming week I’m hoping to expand them into blog posts here and pieces for Femplain‘s new project Aloe.

I’m super proud of myself for getting through it with a good attitude, though. I kept my energy up and told myself that since I knew it had been coming, and it is what I signed up for, I just had to suck it up and get it done. And if I had to do it I had better do a good job. There’s not much worse than having to spend the day doing what you would rather not, except doing it badly and having to hear it from your boss or redo it anyway.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that right now, I am very frustrated with myself. My goals most weekends are to work on blog posts for the coming week, work on a couple of pieces to submit somewhere, and work on some art and zine stuff. I never get any of that done. Every weekend without fail I waste about 80% of my time and this weekend was no exception.

During the week my day job keeps my time structured and makes it easy for me to focus on what needs to be done when. My weekends need more structure then I guess. I try to do everything at once. I write, I do the dishes, I watch TV, I spend time with my girlfriend, and I catch up on sleep. I never know which thing I should be doing when, so I do them all, all day.

It’s strange to say I get more done for myself when I am at work than when I am at home, but I realize I am far from ready to work for myself or from home. I need discipline and a plan.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the other half of the problem might be my emotions. I have been all over the place for months now. Part of it was being sick, then the medication, and now, I don’t know what. It’s hard to even tell you exactly what is going on.  I am hopeful, and I have plans but my motivation waxes and wanes randomly and my self-esteem has taken a dip. I’m not sure what to do since I can’t put my finger on exactly what is wrong, but at least I’m aware of it. Sigh.

I have a feeling this coming week I won’t be feeling much better. Between daylight saving time and another busy week lined up at work I have a feeling, there will be more frustration and less satisfying work. I have a doctor’s appointment too. I’m hoping to get more answers about my ulcerative colitis diagnosis, and some help since I do think my symptoms are coming back now that I am off of the steroids.

Keep your fingers crossed, and send some good vibes my way, please?

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that Samurai Jack is back!

If you don’t know who or what Samurai Jack is you should head to Hulu and watch every single episode or head over to Adult Swim and catch the stream over there. The show first aired somewhere around 2001 and ran for four seasons before ending. The ending never felt right, and the show creators have decided to make so many millennial dreams come true by bringing it back after all these years and giving us Jack’s story the proper ending it deserves. Last night the new season premiered and it was everything I hoped it would be. Beautiful cinematography, silliness, sadness, and some serious fight scenes!

I used to watch the show when I was 15 or so, with my little sister. I can’t say I was the biggest fan then, but like so many things, I didn’t realize that the 30 minutes I had to watch that show were among the few happy memories I had as a kid until I was already an adult.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the very special dinner I had to cook turned out wonderfully.

When my girlfriend and I were first together, we used to cook together all the time, but as we got older, it fell to her for the most part. I’m terrible at it, and it feels too much like a chore while she is good at it, and she enjoys it. It felt natural for her to do the cooking and I the cleaning but I miss us laughing and jostling around one another, working together to bring a meal to the table. So, I planned for us to make potstickers, an old favorite we used to buy premade from the store, from scratch.

We started late, and the going was more complicated than I had anticipated—the story of every project we ever start—but they came out beautiful and tasted delicious! Maybe I’ll find something else for us to make next weekend?

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that, sadly, we have come to that time. I have to head to bed now, or I’ll be dragging my feet tomorrow. I hope you had a great week and a relaxing weekend. I hope your coming week is better than the last and that you will stop by the comments and let me know what you’ve been up to.

Until next time :)

***

Check out my weekly-ish newsletter for interesting reads + my own existential musings on life, love, and inevitable human suffering, or buy me a cup of coffee perhaps? :)

Written for to the Weekend Coffee Share link-up hosted by Nerd in the Brain

Featured image via Unsplash

If We Were Having Coffee // A Wonderfully Dull Week

“Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee and just as hard to sleep after.”

—Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Gift from the Sea

Hello, dear readers! Thank you for stopping by for our weekly bit of caffeine and conversation. This week I’m having some cold brew, homemade and in copious amounts. Since I started tapering off of the steroids, my doc prescribed I’ve had headaches almost daily. It seems that caffeine is the only thing that helps. God, I can’t wait to be off of this stuff.

I feel good today, and I did most of the week. I am 100% sure that it’s down to all the warm weather we have been having. This coming week we’ll have one day of winter-like weather, but the rest of the week we’ll be climbing through the 60s and 70s. Spring is coming y’all!

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this week was pretty uneventful, and it was wonderful. I ended up spending a lot of time alone, even at work, and getting some much-needed writing and brainstorming done.

When I wasn’t out on my route, I was working in an office closed off to other people. The room I work in is also a classroom for new employees so when a new class starts the room in closed off to other employees, except for me because I care for and inventory the equipment stored in there and use the computer and files to track employee testing.

So, I worked and wrote and listened to music and podcast with minimal interruption. It was nice, like a mini vacation, but at work rather than away from work.

I am glad I savored it because this coming week will be a very busy one. That same class that blessed me with a quiet room is the same class I will have to teach now. Classes take up a significant amount of my writing time when they happen, and I dread them, but they are a necessary evil so that I can have a space and a bit of silence to work on what matters to me on a regular basis.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the highlight of the week was the #Losslit, a monthly challenge to write tweet-length responses to ‘loss.’ #Losslit happens the first Wednesday every month, but I’ve never been able to get my shit together enough to properly participate. I always miss the times, or I miss the day entirely, but this month, I put a reminder on my phone.

For the entire 2 hours, I was able to follow along and post a few of my own, some of which got shared among the highlights on Storify. I love little writing exercises these and doing a monthly one takes some of the pressure off of preparation. If you want to participate check out @Losslit‘s twitter.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I am worried about getting sick again. This may not be the best analogy, but I feel like my experience last month left me with a sort of PTSD. I spend a lot of time worrying that every discomfort, every instance of heartburn, stomach upset, headache, or, just anything happening with my body is a signal that all the awfulness of last month is going to return.

I have noticed some symptoms, but I am riding a line between trying not to panic and trying not to brush it off. I suppose I should be telling my doctor this too, but I hate to bother him over nothing, or maybe it is something, but probably it’s nothing, right? Sigh.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you I finally finished Plato’s The Republic! Having a fun book to read after really helped encourage me to get through it and I think it may be the strategy I employ going forward when I find myself burned out on a book. I’m reading The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood now. I’m not sure if it’s good or bad yet, but it is interesting. Dystopian has long been my favorite genre, and there aren’t many written from the female perspective, as far as I know. I’m eager for recommendations if you have any.

I  am just happy to be reading for fun for a while and not to learn. I love non-fiction, and I love learning new things and hearing new points of view, but after a while, I get burned out.

I spent a little time going through my overflowing bookshelf last week in preparation for a purging—a purging which is in preparation for buying a new bookshelf—and realized I had a bunch of books lying around unfinished. Books like Inferno by Dante Alighieri and The Odyssey by Homer both attempted and abandoned because they are hard reads. I am thinking 2017 may be the year of reading books I failed to finish or understand in the past by tempting myself with more exciting and interesting reads after.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I had better get going. My mind feels a little foggy. I’m unfocused, and I feel my motivation waning. I still have so much to do around the house, laundry, dishes, dusting, vacuuming, ugh. I think that if I don’t get up now, I won’t for the remainder of the day, and I’ll be pretty disappointed in myself come evening time.

I hope you all had a good week, or at least one more eventful than mine. Stop by the comments and leave a note, let me know how you are and what your highlight of the week was.

Until next time :)

An American Dream #blackoutpoetry

A post shared by Lisa Blair (@zenandpi) on

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If you like this post check out my weekly-ish newsletter on life, love, and suffering (:

Written for to the Weekend Coffee Share link-up hosted by Nerd in the Brain

Featured image via Unsplash

If We Were Having Coffee // I Feel Great, but It’s Probably Just the Meds

“Isn’t hot coffee a wonderful thing? How did people get along before it was invented?”

— Betty Smith, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn

Hello, dear readers and thanks for stopping by again for another round of coffee and catching up. It sounds silly but, I’m so glad to be here and be back to some sort of writing schedule. This past week was a strange one, not bad, not good, but things have been strange. Even the weather was crazy. We started off in the 60s and 70s and ended the week with snow and a deep freeze. I hear this week might be more of the same. Sigh.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I am still feeling better. The medicine the doctor put me on has been a godsend for my symptoms. I’m not 100% better, but I’m very close. The only problem, which I suppose isn’t a real problem at all, is the side effect. I’m on Prednisone, a steroid, and last week I was taking 40mgs a morning. At first, I hated it. I couldn’t sit still, and my heart would beat so hard, but then I had so much energy and focus. I was getting so much shit done!

The downside is I can’t stop eating, and my moods have been a little unpredictable. I’m not angry or even sad, I just have things to do, and I can’t be bothered with anyone. I want to be left alone to write and to work. It’s nice to have that kind of focus, but I know it can’t last. I’ve already started to taper off of the medication, but I am trying to hold on to that focus and energy so that I can bring some of it with me when I am off of it.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that if it isn’t the medicine that is focusing and motivating me, then it has to be this new app I started using. I don’t usually endorse apps or services, but this one is really helping me build habits and keep my mind on what I need to do every day.

It’s called Fabulous, it is beautiful, and it’s free! I think it’s only on Android right now, but it’s on its way to iOS soon. The idea is so simple. You start with suggested tasks, like making a to-do list, doing focused work for 25 minutes, or blocking distraction, every morning, afternoon, and evening. You can add your own tasks too and then you set your alarm times.

For me, every morning at 7 AM my phone reminds me to do things like drink water, take my medicine, and write a to-do list. I can add tasks, reorder tasks, and there are built-in timers. In the afternoon I get another reminder to do things like block out distraction, study something new, do focused work, and take my vitamins. In the evening, I tidy up the house, I drink tea, I write in my journals, and I reset my goals, then I remember to floss and read just before bed.

I can’t tell you I do all of these things every day, but I try and every day it is getting easier. I like being reminded, and I love having built-in timers and chimes to alert me when to start and when to move on. It’s not a radical idea or plan at all, but it’s presented in a nice, easy to use and useful way.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I have been trying again/still to read Plato’s Republic. I made it half-way through this week, but it was hard. Some days it’s not so bad, but most of the time I hate it. I’ve already devoted a lot of time to it, so I don’t want to quit. I have to see this through, dammit! I have good news, though, I have given myself a little motivation to work a little harder to read the damn thing. I have put a carrot in front of my nose in the form of Margaret Atwood’s The Handmaid’s Tale and, and Orlando by Virginia Woolf.

I’m hoping I’ll try harder now that I know that after this bit of unpleasantness I can move on to more interesting and exciting things!

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that last night I saw the movie Get Out and it was so, so, good! I’ll write a proper review later, but for now, I will tell you to stop whatever you are doing and go buy tickets to see it. You will not be sorry.

I mean, yes, it looks a little strange and controversial but even if you just love film, especially if you love the horror genre, go see it. All the race stuff aside it is just plain creepy and so well made.

BUT I will also say, if you are a Person of Color, this movie is made for you! The issues we face were shown in a realistic way. Not overly done or “in your face.” It felt real and relatable. Some of your worst fears taken to an extreme. The kind of fears only people who have experienced if you’ve been the only person of color in the room or been caught out at night in a neighborhood, not your own, where no one looks like you, will understand.

Go see it, tell everyone about it, and support it because it really is one of the best horror films and pieces of social commentary I have ever seen.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that, sadly, we have come to that time when I have to go. There is more writing to be done, and the laundry is piled up, and the dishes too, and the dog is begging for a good long walk. Thank you so much for stopping by and please, please, drop a note in the comments and let me know how you are doing. I love hearing from you all, and I like to know you are well.

Until next time :)

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If you like this post check out my weekly-ish newsletter on life, love, and suffering (:

Written for to the Weekend Coffee Share link-up hosted by Nerd in the Brain

Featured image via Aldrin Adira

If We Were Having Coffee // The Hardest Month of My Life

“As long as there was coffee in the world, how bad could things be?”

― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

Hello, dear readers. It’s been a long while since we’ve sat and had a chat and I should start by making my apologies for that. I wanted to be here, and I am sorry I couldn’t. I couldn’t write. I couldn’t do anything. BUT I am back now, or, I hope I am back. It may take me a while to get back on a schedule so let’s just say today I am back, and I hope to be back tomorrow too.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that since out last chat so much has happened, I am unsure where to begin. I believe that was just after my doctor’s appointment. I went in for joint pain and previous stomach issues. I explain to them that for my whole life I had experienced, off and on, bouts of extreme pain and other unpleasant and TMI symptoms that I’m sure you don’t want to hear about over your coffee.

He sent me away with a referral to the gastrointestinal department and assurances that it was probably irritable bowel syndrome.

Since that appointment, when I was experiencing very mild symptoms, I went down hill very quickly. I was worse than I had ever been. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I was a ball of anxiety and pain and frustration. I cannot begin to tell you how scary it was watching my body fall apart this way.

I set up an appointment with the GI department, but the soonest I could get in was February 14th. Yes, I spent Valentine’s day sedated while a doctor took pictures of my colon.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that despite that, and somehow because of that, it was the sweetest Valentine’s day my girlfriend and I had spent together in all of our nearly 15 years together.

I remember none of the procedure and very little about what happened immediately afterward. I know that my girlfriend waited for me in recovery. I know she helped me get dressed and helped me understand what the doctor and nurses were telling me afterward.

She helped me through the preparation and took care of me afterward. She had been so supportive, sympathetic, and understanding I was nearly brought to tears the way she took care of me. She brought me home afterward, fed me, and put me to bed, just what I needed. She went to work while I rested and when I woke she was on her way back home with pizza, chocolates, and strangely, new bed sheets with phases of the moon on them. Probably the weirdest gift and the cutest gift I’ve ever received. Here’s what I wrote for her on Facebook:

I wish this Valentine’s day could have been all flowers, and chocolates, and fancy dinners but when you’ve been in a relationship for a long time you know it can’t always be that way. Today I spent the morning in the doctor’s office and the love of my life stayed in the waiting room until I was out of sedation. She helped me get dressed, helped me understand the results of my tests, took me home, made me a little lunch, and put me to bed. That was the best Valentine’s Day I could’ve hoped for. Real love is being there for someone when they are sick and never making them feel like a burden or an annoyance. It’s letting them do what they can and helping them when they can’t. It’s worrying about them, comforting and supporting them. It’s making sure I take my meds, eat the right foods, and have plenty of fluids. It’s helping me figure out what’s wrong and then helping me get well again. Thank you [honey], for everything you do for me. I know the last few weeks have been tough and you are feeling stressed but just know I appreciate you being here so much. You are the the sweetest and kindest person I know and I’m so lucky to have you in my life. Happy Valentine’s Day baby! I promise when I’m feeling better we will celebrate it right.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the diagnoses wasn’t IBS, turns out, I have ulcerative colitis. Which means my immune system just doesn’t know when to stop. My body thinks that food and beneficial bacteria are foreign invaders plotting to do harm to me and so they have gone on the attack causing inflammation and ulcers. I’m grateful those little white blood cells are trying so hard for me, but I wish they’d learn what is meant to help me and what is meant to harm.

I still have to go back to the GI department for a chat about what this means and what treatment will look like, but from the research I have done, it seems this will be a lifelong problem. I hope the symptoms will come less often and go more quickly if I keep on top of whatever plan they have for me.

For now, I am on steroids to suppress my immune system and reduce the inflammation. It’s only day two, and I’ve already noticed a difference. I am hoping by the end of the week I might be feeling more like myself. Able to work, write, and do my part at home. I hope I can have the energy to get back to doing the things I love and taking care of the people I love too.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that while I was not doing so well physically, it was the psychological effects that took the biggest toll. My body was betraying me. My body wasn’t mine. My body was getting in the way of everything my mind knew it needed to do. I wasn’t myself, and I was afraid I would never be myself again. I have never spiraled into a depression so quickly before. I was in tears every morning and night from pure frustration and exhaustion. I stopped talking to anyone.

The worst was not being able to write. I have fallen so far behind and it feels impossible to start again. I’m going to try, though. Slowly at first sure, but I am going to try. I want to go back, as much as I can, to the way things were. Even when I had been sick in the past, I could push, though. I could hide. No one knew I had been suffering on and off the way I was. I wasn’t so bad. I was still me. Not anymore. Everything seems changed now.

***

If we were having coffee I would tell you that this has been some heavy conversation for what was supposed to be a light chat over coffee, I’m sorry. I felt you should have an explanation, and I needed to get it all out. I needed to say what has been happening to me and how I have been feeling. I hope to say more in the future but talking about chronic illness and particularly one that affects the bowels is hard. Part of the reason I never got help before was feeling so much shame. Shame, and our terrible healthcare system.

Don’t get me started on the healthcare system.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I have to get going. I gotta eat, take me meds, and find the energy to do a little cleaning and visit with family. It was great to catch up with you all. I missed it more than I even knew. I promise next week will be more cheerful.

I hope you all had a good week, a good few weeks since I last spoke to you. Please, leave a note below and let me know how you are holding up.

Until next time :)

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If We Were Having Coffee // It Feels Like Fighting Winter

“What do you want?”
“Just coffee. Black – like my soul.”

― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

Hello dear readers and thank you for stopping by for a bit of coffee and a chat. The weather is looking much better than last week but I will be honest with you, my mood is much worse. It’s been a long week and not just because of that man living in the White House now, though most of it is. It’s a combination of hopelessness, anxiety, and stress about huge and worldly issues and some tiny and personal ones too.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I am still in a state of shock over the new president. I watched the inauguration events most of the day, and through it all, I still couldn’t believe it. I understand that Obama was not a perfect President and that are some valid concerns over war and deportation over the last four years but he was such and optimistic and hopeful leader. He made me feel safer. He made me feel like progress was always being made.

Trump, on the other hand, makes me feel very anxious! He makes me feel like everything we know is going to be disrupted. There is no certainty under him. We don’t know what will happen from minute to minute. I am preparing for a life where I have to be glued to the news to find out what new and horrible ways he is affecting my life and future. It is exhausting! I am trying my best to prepare for the next four years, but emotionally I don’t think I, nor the country at large, can continue at this pace.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that while I was so proud and happy to see so many people all over the world protesting together, I did not make it to my local Women’s March yesterday. I thought about going, but I just don’t know if it was right for me, or maybe it just wasn’t the right time.

I realized yesterday that I am still very angry. I feel betrayed, but my fellow Americans and I don’t trust the word of its people right now. I don’t trust that everyone who says they are fighting this administration is really doing so at heart. I don’t trust that the person telling me that they don’t agree with the new President’s words didn’t vote for him. I feel like I was abandoned and it will take a long time for me to trust again.

So, I spent the day with family, which is what my soul needed and sometimes I have to put my soul first. I will fight my own way for now, and I will join that public fight when I am ready. In the meantime I assure you I am watching, I am rooting for us, and deep down  I am so happy to see you all coming together.

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If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I am not giving up I am simply changing my perspective. I think fighting this administration feels a lot like fighting a hard winter. We can fight all we want, but it is still going to be winter.

It will hurt, and it will be cold. It will be so cold that people might die of exposure and we will mourn and cry, and still it will be winter. It will start to feel pointless, but we still have to fight, not, because we might stop winter, but because we have to keep warm to keep alive. We have to fight because winter can live in your heart and follow you into spring if you let it. We have to fight so that when the season changes we can meet it with warm hearts. We must be ready to get out there and plant beautiful flowers and trees. We have to get out and repair the damage.

I am doing my best to remember that there will be light at the end of the tunnel. I just hope the damage won’t be too great.

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If we were having coffee I would tell you that my doctor’s appointment Monday went well, but I was so worked up over it that afterward that I was exhausted and stayed tense and nauseous for a full day.

I will need more testing and more appointments but so far I have anxiety, migraines, a problem with my right kneecap, and something is going on with my colon, maybe. For the anxiety, I am working on learning how to sleep better, since that is the area of my life impacted the most right now. For the migraines, I have a prescription to take as needed. For the knee, I have exercises and will need future x-rays. For the colon, they will have to take a look. Too much information, I know, but imagine how I feel! I am terrified!

I’m glad that I have finally started to figure out what is going on with me, and I feel a bit better knowing that whatever is going on I am not knocking on death’s door or anything, yet. I am okay for now, and soon I will be doing even better and knowing that feels so good.

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If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I had to put down Plato’s Republic this week. I know that book is a classic and a cornerstone of Western philosophy but so much of it sounded, well, dumb. I wish I could have lived back then and argued with Plato, the world might be a very different place today. Before anyone lectures me, I am trying to remember that those were very different times and in the context of history, Plato was a forward thinking man Still, it was frustrating.

So, I took a break and picked up My Ántonia by Willa Cather, who, it turns out was a lesbian. That, of course, has nothing to do with the story and no impact on whether or not this is a good story, I’m just trying to read more books by women and by women of color or queer women. It’s nice to make progress on that front even if it was only by accident.

So far the story is good. It’s different. I haven’t read much on the early American West, so it’s refreshing to explore a new world. I’m hoping to read this one quickly, I’m behind in my reading challenge already!

I’ll get back to Plato eventually.

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If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I had better get going before time gets away from me, and I don’t get anything done. I have laundry to wash and fold, a kitchen that is a shameful mess, and shopping to do for the pets. I hope to get a jump on a few post and look into starting a “life audit” later in the evening.

I hope you had a great week. Please, leave a love note below and let me know how you are holding up.

Until next time :)

Life lesson.

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Written in response to Part-Time Monster’s weekly event, Weekend Coffee Share

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If We Were Having Coffee // A Gloomy Day Chat

“I love to drink coffee with people in the morning. And I love to drink coffee in the morning with no one in my fucking face – Excuse my soul.”

— Jack Kerouac, from a letter to Allen Ginsberg

Hello dear readers. Thank you for stopping by on this cold and gloomy day for a bit of coffee and conversation. Days like this are for laying under thick blankets, drinking hot tea, cocoa out of big mugs, and watching TV. Days like this are for staying in your pajamas all day. BUT I want to be productive. There is so much work to be done around the house and a little shopping later. I needed a reason to get up and get moving, and coffee date with you is just the excuse I needed to get me out of bed and dressed.

Thank you.

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If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this past week was a loooooong one. Working for the school district this wasn’t surprising. The week before had been a short one, plus we got a surprise snow day, and this week was one before a three-day weekend. We were still adjusting to the regular schedule and looking forward to another break. Time slowed to a crawl in all that fatigue and anticipation.

On Friday our boss’s boss’s boss came in to talk to us about the hiring shortage and what courses of action the district may be considering. None of it sounded good even though they did their best to sugar coat the situation. As a result, my coworkers were tense, and things turned negative quickly. The future seems pretty bleak, but I feel a renewed motivation to work on finding a way to start making money through writing.

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If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the highlight of the week was the Pulp Fiction movie party at The Alamo Drafthouse Friday night. I had been looking forward to it all week, and through all the frustration and fatigue I stayed positive because I knew I was going to get to sit in a movie theater and see my favorite movie of all time on the big screen. Plus, hearing a hundred or so people quoting along to every f-bomb that Samuel L. Jackson drops is hilarious.

Pulp Fiction is one of those films that you catch something new every time you see it. This last time I realized that near the end when Butch is heading back to his apartment to retrieve his father’s watch, he passes an open window where a radio advertisement for Jack Rabbit Slim’s is playing. The same Jack Rabbit Slim’s restaurant that Mia and Vince eat at earlier in the film.

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If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this coming week is going to be a hard one. I’m spending my day off facing one of my biggest fears, the doctor’s office. It’s been years since I’ve seen a doctor and in that time my body has been falling apart day by day. I have joint pain throughout my body, gastrointestinal problems, peripheral neuropathy, migraines, plus anxiety and panic attacks. I’m sure we will only get to a few of my issues, but it will be a start. I have to get over my fear so I can get well.

The rest of the week I’ll be working, working, working. Most people like to work more, or at least they like when they get paid more for working more, but I don’t always feel like that. I like to have time to write, even if it’s only few minute to write for myself. But this week we have a new class starting, and I have some testing to catch up on. So I might not be around much. Trust me, I’m not happy about it either.

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If we were having coffee, I would tell you that whatever free time I will have I’ll be working on a piece of Femsplain about mental illness that I really hope will be chosen for their online publication and a set of poems for Platypus Press’s upcoming anthology A Portrait in Blues.

I’ve been published in Femsplain before but the last few pieces I’ve submitted haven’t been chosen. I keep trying though because I love what they do.

I’ve only recently discovered Platypus Press, though, and it has been my dream ever since to be published by them. They seem to have an eye for emotional and intense writing, and if they chose me one day, I would know I was on the right track. Plus, I love how hard they work to promote their writers. They seem like a good home for my work, one day when my work is worthy that is.

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If we were having coffee, I would tell you that time has seemed to slip away from me and I really must get going if I want to accomplish anything. The Christmas tree has to come down to-day, and I need to get across town for some grocery shopping. It’s been great chatting with you, and if you have a moment before you leave, I’d love if you dropped a comment below and let me know how you have been.

Until next time :)

I'm sick but I'm trying not to be a bitch about it 🙃 #sickandtiredofbeingsickandtired #selfie

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