Tag: Trump

If We Were Having Coffee // Life is Stressful, Life is Good

Hello dear readers. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine ad catching up. I wasn’t sure we were going to meet today. I have a lot on my mind, and so much I should be doing but it’s all a little overwhelming and when I am overwhelmed I shut down. So, I thought, maybe what I need a cup of strong coffee, a little conversation, and a chance to put my mind to other things before I can try again.

“I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;”

— T. S. Eliot, The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell that like the rest of the country my TV is tuned to the news of Hurricane Harvey and the devastation in Texas. The images I see coming out of the city are shocking. It’s horrifying the amount of damage that has been inflicted along their coastal cities in the course of only a weekend.

Years ago we dealt with flooding here in Denver. It had rained here for days on end and once the ground had become saturated the water began to seep into our homes. Only 13 inches of fell rain over the course of many days here, and only an inch or so of water found its way into my basement, but even that felt devastating. I cannot imagine that amount and more over just one night, or the 50″ forecasted for Houston by the end of this storm. I can’t imagine how those people are feeling or how scared they might be.

I have family living in Houston—my sister, her kids and husband, and his family—and so far they are faring well, but that may not last as the waters are predicted to continue to rise through the middle of the week. I was happy to hear though that they have plenty of food and water, they have a plan should the water start to flood their apartment, and their satellite signal held out long enough to watch the Mayweather/Mcgregor fight last night.

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If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the last couple of weeks have been more than a little crazy around here. The school year started and not only are we dealing with a severe driver shortage there is also new management and district wide problems ranging from students with lice to teachers and coaches charged with sexually assaulting students. We’re only two weeks in and this already feels like the worst year we’ve ever had.

Personally, though I’m doing better than most. My route is a good one, and I like the driver I’m riding with too. My girlfriend isn’t doing so well though. She’s still working up to 14 hours a day but she’s agreed not to work on Sunday’s and even when she goes in on Saturday’s she at least sleeps in a little and comes home in the early afternoon. I’m still worried about her stress levels and her health, but she is trying.

She’s agreed not to work more than 6 days out of the week, and when she goes in on the weekends, I am going to start going in along with her. I can write from there, and we can bring the dog too. It’s better than me sitting at home sad or making her feel bad for something that’s out of her control. When she isn’t working, we do our best go out, to keep off our phones, and keep our attention on each other. This weekend we saw friends for drinks and enjoyed a few movies at the drive-in.

By the way, Dunkirk was boring. Annabelle was creepy, but the plot was kind of dumb, and The Dark Tower was beyond disappointing. We had fun despite the movies.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that it hasn’t been all bad though. I believe the last time we chatted was the week before our 15th anniversary. We kept it simple. Fifteen years together is quite a milestone but for us and we just wanted to enjoy it without any stress of planning or the pressure to make it perfect. That’s how we are though, the more important the milestone in our lives, the simpler we choose to celebrate it. This year it was a seafood dinner at our new favorite restaurant complete with plenty of wine and oysters. That was all.

It may sound boring, but it’s honestly all I ever want. Just to be with her in a place that has memories of us where we can spend a few hours getting to know each other again. The longer you are with someone, the more you realize that having someone listen to you, to laugh at your jokes, to offer advice and reassurance, and tell you all the good things you do and how much you mean to their world means more than any material gift or fancy destination. So that is what we give to each other, these little gifts for anniversaries, for birthdays, or sometimes just on a regular old Friday night after a hard week.

That’s love. That is what 15 years feels like to me.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that we are only 7 months into Trump’s term and I have already come to a point where I have to stop letting him, and his administration take up so much of my time and mental energy. I have to limit how often I read the news, and I will no longer allow myself to watch his speeches, his press releases, or his rallies live. I will watch when I am in a good place, not before bed, not when I am already having a bad day, and not on my bad anxiety days.

I am still committed to resisting his harmful, destructive, and chaotic agenda and I will still work hard to educate those around me and stay informed, but I will do it in my own time and in my own way. I’m tired of starting the day yelling at the TV and fuming on social media over his latest tweets and lies.

This past weekend is when I really began to cut myself off. The last straw, the moment I decided he will never be someone I consider a leader and when I lost the last scrap of hope I had that he might one day become a president I at least won’t be embarrassed by, came when I heard the news that while the entire country was sending thoughts and prayers to the people of Texas as Harvey slammed into the coast he quietly pardoned a racist and banned transgendered people from serving in the military.

He’s a snake and a coward, and he’ll never be my President.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that it is getting late and I really have to get going. There is just too much I have left to do before the weekend is over.

I have been working like hell for the past two weeks to get my application in for the Bitch Media Fellowship for Writers, and I am so close to finishing my cover letter, CV, and gathering my writing samples. I’m going to try to spend the rest of the day working on it. I had hoped to submit it all tonight, but with all the house work I have to do before the big Game of Thrones finale it may have to wait until early tomorrow morning.

I hope you had a wonderful week, and that your weekend was a relaxing one. If you are in Texas or have family near any of the destruction, my thoughts are with you. Please, stay safe.

Until next time.

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Thank you for reading! If you like this post check out my weekly-ish newsletter for inspiring reads + existential musings on life, love, and inevitable human suffering. Or help support what I do by sharing a cup of coffee.

Written for the weekly Weekend Coffee Share link up hosted by Part-Time Monster

Featured image by Paul on Unsplash

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We Know Not What We Do, I Hope

Hello, dear readers and happy Monday! I know, I know, Mondays aren’t happy. Mondays are for being tired, and grouchy, and remembering all the things you don’t like about your life. Mondays are for wanting to crawl back into bed.

But, let’s try something different. Let’s think of Mondays as a chance at a fresh start, every single week. Each Monday is our own personal reset button. Let’s take this opportunity to do it differently. Let’s make the changes we want to see in ourselves and the world, okay?

“No man chooses evil because it is evil; he only mistakes it for happiness, the good he seeks.”

— Mary Wollstonecraft

I’ve been having a really hard time coping with the state of the people and politics here in the United State since the election. There are many of you, and many people I know in real life, who would tell me it’s long past time to get over it, but every morning I watch the news, I scroll my feeds and timelines, and I get progressively more afraid, more cynical, and more depressed.

It feels like there are so many people who want to hurt the poor, the lost, and the vulnerable. They want to hurt our environment. They want to hurt people who look and live differently from they way they look and live. They want to line their pockets and laugh while the world burns. I am convinced, but what I can’t understand is why.

I hear two voices shouting out at me through opinion pieces and blogs. One says not to listen to them, not to give them one moment’s consideration. They are the enemy and they must be guarded against at all costs. The other says to understand them. See the world their way. They are afraid, they are ignorant, listen and reassure them. They only need time and love to come around.

My heart likes the sound of the latter, but my anger tells me I am stupid and pushes the former course.

I’m highly suspicious of any calls to understand, and appeal to, people who refuse to understand or appeal to the needs of those less fortunate than them.

What I mean is, if you are angry because full equality under the law and fair and respectful treatment for immigrants, Muslims, women, and the LGBTQ+ community has become an important issue in American politics, I think the last thing we should be doing is giving you more time to explain why people who have suffered and fought for so long should slow down, take a back seat, and give you the floor. Sorry, I’m not sorry.

I am weary of anyone who says you can’t eat, you can’t feel warm, secure, and safe because they need more. There are real consequences for people when you won’t let go of your ego or a small amount of your money. When people say they need something, they need it. End of story.

But as weary as I am, as much as I don’t want to spend my time understanding and coddling, there is part of me that longs to understand and the only thing that makes sense is that people just don’t know any better. They can’t help themselves. They really think they are doing what is right.

We have so much privilege we have become so blind to it. We spend more time protecting our luxuries than we do protecting human life and dignity. We are all guilty of it. Some more than others, but every day more and more sees the light. There is hope, I hope.

I recognize that may be a lie I am telling myself too. Maybe part of me just wants to, has to, believe that the world isn’t that cruel. People can’t be evil for evil sake. Even if the universe doesn’t care and there is no rhyme or reason to any of this, we have to have reasons right? We have to, deep down, want to do what’s best, for love, for our families, for our country and our sense of right and wrong. Right?

So, this week, I’m exploring what lies are worth telling myself. What leaps of faith are worth taking. What aspects of human nature are not worth looking too closely at.

My instincts tell me none. My instincts tell me wherever humans are involved things are always complicated, and there are never easy answers. There is always a spectrum and it is rare we fall to one side or the other fully. People aren’t all bad, but they aren’t all good either. People’s intentions must follow the same patterns I suppose.

So, this week I guess I am exploring what that means to me and in these times, where we are so divided, so angry, and so willing to turn a blind eye or let loose our rage, we should all explore what that means for us, about us. How do we find common ground? How do we listen and teach? How do we change hearts? How do we do it without losing our own sense of right and wrong?

This week, ask yourself what are the value the value of rose-colored glasses and leaps of faith in humanity? Contemplate the motivations behind why we treat each other the way they do. Look within yourself and question how it makes you feel when another person says they need things that you cannot understand. In what ways do people who live differently from you make you afraid?

I want to know what evil lives in me and why I think it will lead to happiness. I want to know that about all people. I want to know how to fix it.

“In spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart.”

— Anne Frank

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If We Were Having Coffee // It Feels Like Fighting Winter

“What do you want?”
“Just coffee. Black – like my soul.”

― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

Hello dear readers and thank you for stopping by for a bit of coffee and a chat. The weather is looking much better than last week but I will be honest with you, my mood is much worse. It’s been a long week and not just because of that man living in the White House now, though most of it is. It’s a combination of hopelessness, anxiety, and stress about huge and worldly issues and some tiny and personal ones too.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I am still in a state of shock over the new president. I watched the inauguration events most of the day, and through it all, I still couldn’t believe it. I understand that Obama was not a perfect President and that are some valid concerns over war and deportation over the last four years but he was such and optimistic and hopeful leader. He made me feel safer. He made me feel like progress was always being made.

Trump, on the other hand, makes me feel very anxious! He makes me feel like everything we know is going to be disrupted. There is no certainty under him. We don’t know what will happen from minute to minute. I am preparing for a life where I have to be glued to the news to find out what new and horrible ways he is affecting my life and future. It is exhausting! I am trying my best to prepare for the next four years, but emotionally I don’t think I, nor the country at large, can continue at this pace.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that while I was so proud and happy to see so many people all over the world protesting together, I did not make it to my local Women’s March yesterday. I thought about going, but I just don’t know if it was right for me, or maybe it just wasn’t the right time.

I realized yesterday that I am still very angry. I feel betrayed, but my fellow Americans and I don’t trust the word of its people right now. I don’t trust that everyone who says they are fighting this administration is really doing so at heart. I don’t trust that the person telling me that they don’t agree with the new President’s words didn’t vote for him. I feel like I was abandoned and it will take a long time for me to trust again.

So, I spent the day with family, which is what my soul needed and sometimes I have to put my soul first. I will fight my own way for now, and I will join that public fight when I am ready. In the meantime I assure you I am watching, I am rooting for us, and deep down  I am so happy to see you all coming together.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I am not giving up I am simply changing my perspective. I think fighting this administration feels a lot like fighting a hard winter. We can fight all we want, but it is still going to be winter.

It will hurt, and it will be cold. It will be so cold that people might die of exposure and we will mourn and cry, and still it will be winter. It will start to feel pointless, but we still have to fight, not, because we might stop winter, but because we have to keep warm to keep alive. We have to fight because winter can live in your heart and follow you into spring if you let it. We have to fight so that when the season changes we can meet it with warm hearts. We must be ready to get out there and plant beautiful flowers and trees. We have to get out and repair the damage.

I am doing my best to remember that there will be light at the end of the tunnel. I just hope the damage won’t be too great.

***

If we were having coffee I would tell you that my doctor’s appointment Monday went well, but I was so worked up over it that afterward that I was exhausted and stayed tense and nauseous for a full day.

I will need more testing and more appointments but so far I have anxiety, migraines, a problem with my right kneecap, and something is going on with my colon, maybe. For the anxiety, I am working on learning how to sleep better, since that is the area of my life impacted the most right now. For the migraines, I have a prescription to take as needed. For the knee, I have exercises and will need future x-rays. For the colon, they will have to take a look. Too much information, I know, but imagine how I feel! I am terrified!

I’m glad that I have finally started to figure out what is going on with me, and I feel a bit better knowing that whatever is going on I am not knocking on death’s door or anything, yet. I am okay for now, and soon I will be doing even better and knowing that feels so good.

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If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I had to put down Plato’s Republic this week. I know that book is a classic and a cornerstone of Western philosophy but so much of it sounded, well, dumb. I wish I could have lived back then and argued with Plato, the world might be a very different place today. Before anyone lectures me, I am trying to remember that those were very different times and in the context of history, Plato was a forward thinking man Still, it was frustrating.

So, I took a break and picked up My Ántonia by Willa Cather, who, it turns out was a lesbian. That, of course, has nothing to do with the story and no impact on whether or not this is a good story, I’m just trying to read more books by women and by women of color or queer women. It’s nice to make progress on that front even if it was only by accident.

So far the story is good. It’s different. I haven’t read much on the early American West, so it’s refreshing to explore a new world. I’m hoping to read this one quickly, I’m behind in my reading challenge already!

I’ll get back to Plato eventually.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I had better get going before time gets away from me, and I don’t get anything done. I have laundry to wash and fold, a kitchen that is a shameful mess, and shopping to do for the pets. I hope to get a jump on a few post and look into starting a “life audit” later in the evening.

I hope you had a great week. Please, leave a love note below and let me know how you are holding up.

Until next time :)

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Life lesson.

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Written in response to Part-Time Monster’s weekly event, Weekend Coffee Share

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When Elections Are Just About Winning, We All Lose

“The ultimate effect of democracy is to render political leaders helplessly incapable of true governance, since they are inevitably forced to gratify and flatter the common people, who can turn on them with impunity as soon as they fail to please.”

— Elizabeth Watson Scharffenberger,
Introduction to Republic by Plato

Inauguration day is just one week away, and there are a lot of people still trying to wrap their heads around our new President, how he came to be elected, and what he will mean for our future. Many of us are angry. Many of us are still in shock. Many of us are trying to figure out what weakness in our system lead to this and how can we fix them for the future.

One place blame has been placed, rightfully so I believe, is squarely on voters. Elections have become little more than a game show to us. Most of us are not informed. We don’t want to be informed either. We don’t carefully consider our candidates let alone the impact their views will have on all Americans. Instead, we join a team, Republican, Democrat, Liberal, Conservative, Tea Party, Green Party, and cheer our players on.

Our elections are no longer about the happiness and cooperation of American citizens but about who has a claim on what America is. It is about who America belongs to, a question  I thought we had answered a long time ago.

Every cycle we do whatever it takes to win, the job of governance be damned.

When we write off the whole system as inevitably corrupt. And when we sit back and blame the leaders we elect without examining our own role in electing them.

— Barack Obama

President-elect Trump ran on a platform of hatred and fear. He has promised to work closely with a party that is known for pushing a brand of governance that favors some groups over others. A party that many would argue not only doesn’t serve all Americans but in many ways perpetuates harm and humiliation onto Americas most vulnerable.

This has happened not because the majority of Americans agree with the President-Elect or his party but through a quirk of American politics that is fair in some ways and unfair in others, the Electoral College. Most Americans wanted one thing, but those Americans weren’t spread out enough, and so the other thing happened, and now we can’t agree on who was right or what to do now.

I think our system is broken, but I don’t have any the answers. No one does. Or maybe we do, it’s only that so many of those answers make us uncomfortable.

We Americans are arrogant when it comes to governance. No one does it better than us right? We have it all figured out. Even through all the infighting and political road block we are sure we are doing it better than everyone else. I would argue that this last election proves the system needs a little tweaking. I wonder:

  • Should we have a system where the popular vote elects the president?
  • Should we have a system where one party can be allowed to control all branches of government?
  • Should there be more qualifications for President of the United States? Should there be more for his cabinet appointments too?
  • Should Congress be allowed to vote in their own interest?
  • Should the government be allowed to take away rights and care from its citizens, for example defunding Planned Parenthood or repealing the Affordable Care Act?

There aren’t any easy answers to these questions but they are things we need to start considering. Our system is failing and that means people are scared and suffering. There should be no excuses for this.

Our Constitution is a remarkable, beautiful gift. But it’s really just a piece of parchment. It has no power on its own. We, the people, give it power. We, the people, give it meaning — with our participation, and with the choices that we make and the alliances that we forge.

— Barack Obama

There is no question that we have taken our right to vote for granted. We have forgotten to use our voice for good. We have forgotten that we had a dream once, to be the greatest country on Earth. We forgot about freedoms to live the way we wanted, to tolerate and cooperate, to work together to overcome any obstacle. We forgot that education and hard work are what we are all about. There was a time when the most qualified person got the job, but now the loudest, crudest, and cruelest are our only qualifications.

We have not earned the great privilege we possess.

No, that we should ever take away the right to vote from any citizen, in fact, I personally believe it should be much easier to vote. We should never make anyone earn it or prove that they deserve it. What needs to change instead is our philosophy around voting and political participation.

We should feel a need to be worthy of what is given us by birthright. We think the geographic luck of our place of birth makes us better. We are Americans, and we are too good to have to care who are elected officials are and where they plan to take us. Maybe we think nothing bad can ever happen to us. We are like naive and inexperienced teenagers enjoying the thrill and never believe we might actually die.

I am embarrassed by our behavior. I am sickened by our disregard for one another and our high and mighty attitude.

We should have been taught better what the right to shape our collective future means in the context of history. We should have been shown what can happen when people have no voice. We should have been told it can happen to us.

We should have been reminded that we aren’t better by birth but by our attitude, our ethics, and our drive to take the high road no matter how hard it may be. We are better because we care. We are better because we are inclusive and nurturing. We are better because we look to the future and do what needs to be done to ensure that we not only survive, but thrive.

At least, we used to be.

I want to think we can get back to that and I hoped we could do it by looking at the mistakes of others. But most people have to learn the hard way, and maybe nations follow the tendencies of the people. I hope we all can survive the next four years and I hope we all come out of it with a greater sense of obligation to participate in the future of our country.

But remember, none of this happens on its own. All of this depends on our participation; on each of us accepting , regardless of which way the pendulum of power happens to be swinging.

— Barack Obama

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Think About What You Are Thinking

Hello, dear readers and happy Monday! I know I know, Mondays aren’t happy. Mondays are for being tired, and grouchy, and remembering all the things you don’t like about your life. Mondays are for wanting nothing more than to crawl back into bed and escaping the world.

But, let’s try something different. Let’s think of Mondays as a fresh start, every week. Mondays are our do-overs, our reset buttons, our first days. From now on every Monday is a second chance, and this time, we might just get it right. Let’s make the changes we want to see in ourselves and the world, okay?

For me, I had to wake up earlier that usual today, which I thought was going to be bad but instead gave me a jump start on writing and work. It felt really good, and I’m considering waking up a little earlier every day now so that I might enjoy some time to orient myself and start off on a better foot than usual.

“A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.”

— William James

Like the rest of the United States, I am still reeling from last week’s election results. I’ve calmed down quite a bit—I’m no longer outright panicking—but I am still angry and very disappointed in the American people.

I’m angry with half of them for choosing not to participate or vote at all. I’m angry with people who do not want to do the work of helping shape the world they live in. I am angry with people who will not search inside themselves to find out what they believe and what they think is right. I am angry with people for not taking a stand and for not showing gratitude in the choice they are allowed to make. There are so many who have no choices. There are so many who died to give you the choices you have. Exercise them!

I’m angry at them for voting for a candidate and a party that makes no effort to hide its hatred for women, immigrants, People of color, and members of the LGBTQ community. I’m angry at them for not being able to see that America was never great for so many of its citizens. I’m angry that they thought that lifting up the most vulnerable and marginalized among them was somehow an attack on their rights. America cannot be taken from you, and more equality is never a bad thing.

I am angry, and I will be for a long time because people who choose not to take a stand and people who stand on the side of oppression of others think they are different, but their choices so often end in the suffering of others. No one is absolved. Everyone is guilty.

What I have learned is that so many people think that their feelings are more important than the well-being of their fellow human being.

I know people who think their vote doesn’t matter and so they stayed home on election night. I know people who have voted Republican their whole lives, and while they found Trump to be an unsavory candidate, they couldn’t vote for the better candidate across the aisle. I know people who believe political correctness is ruining the country. I know people who think social programs are a strain on the economy, but we don’t spend enough on the military.

I know people who swear they are not racist and believe that the reason more Black Americans are targeted by police and the justice system is because Black people are just more violent. I know people who think Islam is a religion of hatred and war.  I know people who think Muslims only exist in the Middle East. I know people who think America is the greatest country on Earth and that we can—and should—do it alone. I know people who think it is us against the world and “us”—regardless of citizenship status—means only one kind of person.

These people think they are moving beyond the status quo. They think they are the only ones who see the truth and they are the only ones who will save this country. They think they have it all figured out, but they are wrong. They’ve only twisted up their real thoughts into excuses that make what they do less awful in their minds.

They have only rearranged their prejudices.

This week, and for the next four years, I encourage all of you to think about why you believe the way you do. Why do you vote the way you do? Why do you put your trust the politicians that you do? Why do you think this country is great? What do you think this country needs? Are your ideas, feelings, and beliefs your own? If not, where do they come from? Are your ideas, feelings, and beliefs rooted in wanting to do the most good for the most people? Are your choices hurting other people? Do you care if they do?

Think beyond your prejudices. Think with empathy, compassion, and faith in humankind. Do not think in generalizations. Do not think the worst of those you don’t know or understand.

Do not hold so tight to your privilege that you allow others to suffer so you may live an easier life.

I am encouraged by the solidarity I am seeing among the Liberals and Democrats on social media, but I am fearful of the Far Right and their new-found courage. I am worried by reports of bullying and abuse all over the country. I am fearful that this country, instead of learning from are mistakes, will in the coming years only find more people to blame and to hate.

I can’t bear it if that happens. I cannot recover from another blow of hatred from a country that has claimed to love me and want the best for me. I cannot go on trying to help and hope. I cannot believe that we are something beautiful and extraordinary in this universe if we keep pulling further and further away from one another.

We all are all we have.

Please do not forget that.

***

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If We Were Having Coffee // Post-Election Depression

Hello, dear readers. Thank you for stopping by to chat with me. Things have been hard this past week, for obvious reasons, and also I haven’t been sleeping well or reaching very many of my goals. I am depressed, I think. Nothing seems good, interesting, exciting, or possible at the moment.

Some coffee date I am, huh?

***

If we were having coffee, I would do my best to avoid bringing up the election but if you so much as mention either candidate or ask me who I voted for I may just lose it. I am flipping between feelings of anger, disappointment, and fear, plus I feel stupid and weak for feeling the way I do. So many people on social media are telling people like me to stop being such whiny babies and to suck it up and move on. It’s hard not to wonder if they might be right.

It’s not so much that I am worried about President-elect Trump, it’s more like I’m worried about rest of the government plus Trump. The Republican party has a long history of hating people like me—black, female, gay—and I hate to think what may be coming now that the US has written them a blank check and elected very few who will check them. For some Americans, this may be a very long and painful four years.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you my anger has been directed in nearly every direction. I’m doing my best not to let individuals get caught up in the crossfire but instead focus on demographics and the obvious sentiments and secret thoughts of entire swaths of the American public.

Saw a lot of people telling others how they should feel today. People saying we should get over it, move on, and unite! Um, how about hell no! I am angry, and I will be for a very long time. If you aren’t then congrats! You don’t fall into one of the groups that Republicans have been shitting on for as long as you can remember. I’ll get you a cookie. Unfortunately, a lot of people do. Unfortunately, I do. Politicians have been telling me my whole life I am going to hell, that I don’t matter, and that I am in need of “correction.” They told me my love would tear the country apart and that I didn’t deserve a family. Those politicians just took control of every branch of this government. For some of us, this hurts. For some of us, this is scary. So yeah, I’ll be losing friends over this. Yeah, I’m going to be angry. Yeah, I am going to bitch. If you can’t understand that, support that, or give me space to do that, then we were probably never friends anyway.

— One of my recent Facebook posts.

Unfortunately, that isn’t working out so well. There have been a few friends unfriended and blocked on Facebook and some who received a lecture and the silent treatment in real life. It’s hard to accept that so many people put other lives and freedoms in danger merely because they wanted to watch the world burn in the hopes that our government might be born anew. I hope those people understand the gravity of their decision in the coming years, but I doubt it.

Privilege is one hell of a drug.

***

If we were having coffee, I would try my best to move on. No one likes to talk politics for very long, do they? I would probably mention the thrilling and surprisingly funny but also a bit uncomfortably erotic movie The Handmaiden, an “erotic psychological thriller” about a pickpocket and a con man plotting to seduce a wealthy woman out of her inheritance.

It’s based on a book titled Fingersmith—which is also very good—by Sarah Waters but the setting has been moved from  Victorian era Britain to “Korea under Japanese colonial rule.”

I think I’ll write one of my proper reviews of this movie, but it’ll be awhile before I can wrap my head around it. It was a lot, a little too much maybe. I have an issue with movies that over sexualize lesbian and gay relationships, especially when I’m not sure it adds to the story. Then again, who am I to judge someone else’s art, right?

I’ll leave you with the intriguing trailer and the assurance that it is, in fact, an excellent film.

 

***

If we were having coffee, I would briefly mention my NaNoWriMo word counts. They are sad. I’m sitting at 11,685 words, which is so much better than zero words but so much worse than the 21,666 words I should have by now. I could still do this, if I just got my shit together, sat my ass in the seat, and wrote the damn thing!

I have two problems, though.

Number one, I don’t know what happens next. I’ve written a few scenes, and I have given my characters some exciting conflicts to get through. I have explosions and car chases. I have love interests, heart breaks, and deaths. I have a message and a moral, but I am missing something. I am missing a route to the big climax and a clear idea of who the ultimate villain is and what they want. I don’t know how my character saves the world and I am not even sure why she wants to. I am missing the hook.

My second issue is one of motivation. I am one of those people who gives up when I’ve fallen too far behind or when the odds of my success begin to dwindle. I can’t make myself see that I can do this with just a little extra work. Deep down I feel like the battle is already lost, so I can’t get my mind to focus. Sigh.

For now, I am going to work on expanding what I have and adding dialog.

***

If we were having coffee, I would thank you for lending my your ear and letting me know there are people out there who care enough to listen. It means a lot. I have been nearly absent from everywhere on the internet except for Twitter. My Twitter feed is filled with people who understand how I am feeling and I have been drawn there more than uncertain places like WordPress or Facebook. I will be back. I just need to get out of this funk, but I am afraid it may take a while.

In the meantime feel free to drop a note in the comments. I’d like to hear how you are doing—especially if you are also participating in NaNoWriMo—and how you physically and emotionally reacting to hearing President-elect Trump over and over again. Just typing makes my skin crawl and my stomach turn. Ugh.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed your weekend and that your work week will be a little better than the last.

Until next time :)

***

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Featured image via Unsplash

The Mourning After

I won’t lie to you; I am having a hard time staying strong today. I am having a hard time breathing, staying positive, hopeful, and empathetic. I am angry. I am heartbroken. I am afraid. I went to bed in tears last night, and I woke up crying again. I have broken down more than once at work, and I fear I will lose control and lash out if the wrong person says the wrong thing within earshot.

I am struggling to accept the results of this election and the reality of what is to come.

There are some who might think I am being overdramatic. There are some who would tell me to suck it up. There are some who would call me a sore loser. There are some who might laugh it off and assure me that everything will be okay. Classic America right? Oh well, lol, right? Let’s just move on, right?

The people who are walking around feeling just fine, maybe even a little proud, those people have no fucking clue what just happened because nothing is at stake for them. They are not afraid for their safety, their future, or their place in this country. They are white, they are male, they are privileged, or they are just plain ignorant.

This morning my boss came in and laughed off the election results. “Lol, crazy, right?” She didn’t understand why I would be crying. She just got married recently so I asked her how she might feel if she woke up this morning and had to worry about the future of her marriage? She had no words.

I asked her how she might feel if her whole life she never thought she could be married, then finally, she was given the right, a right she should have had all along, only to have it put into jeopardy the very next election cycle. She was speechless.

I asked her if it would be so funny if she woke up the one morning and political party that hated her was in control of every branch of our government. She admitted she couldn’t even imagine.

I’m happy for you if you didn’t doubt for a second if you and yours were going to be okay for the next four years. It would be nice if me and mine never had to worry about our rights being stripped or wonder if the politicians elected to represent us actually hated us either, but we do.

For us, this is no joke. For us, this election is about more than emails and lewd comments. This was about our right to live, love, and feel like a valued part of this nation. For some of us, this is about feeling like we have a right to exist in this country.

I am talking about women. I am talking about people of color. I am talking about Muslims. I am talking about the entire LGBTQ community. I am talking about Latinos. I am talking about immigrants. I am talking about refugees.

I am talking me, and my fiancé, and my friends and family.

President Obama wasn’t perfect, neither was any president before him, but he stood up and said I had a right to marry the woman I loved. He promised one day I would, and he delivered on that promise. President Clinton wouldn’t have been perfect, but she stood up and said that I—and many other female, non-white, non-heterosexual, trans and non-binary people—had a right to be here too.

For some people, that means everything.

If you’ve never watched a politician stand up and say to the entire nation that you and people like you do not belong here, do not represent America, and do not deserve life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, you cannot understand the pain so many citizens are feeling today. You cannot know how this hurts. You cannot grasp that for us this is not about Trump and Hillary, this was about our respect and dignity!

If you did not wake up with a hurting, angry, or fearful today, I beg you to keep your thoughts to yourself. There are some of us who are in great pain and need time and space to heal and hope again.

Please allow us that, it is all that we have on this day of mourning for a country we had just begun to feel a part of.

***

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