If We Were Having Coffee – Exhausted, but Happy, and Even Writing Poetry

Oh man does coffee sound good today! The weather is really cold and snowy. I think we may have gotten 6 or 9 inches so far since this storm started yesterday. They predict we’ll get another 3 to 6 by tomorrow morning too. I have my fingers crossed they call a snow day but this is Colorado and we pride ourselves on being able to handle any weather Mother Nature throws at us. We rarely shut anything down here, life continues as if we are’t trudging through knee high snow to get from place to place.

If we were having coffee today I might need to take mine a bit stronger and in the biggest cup you have please, I am in need of the caffeine. I have been exhausted for a few days now but I assure you it is entirely my own fault. It all started last Thursday.

See last week I took it easy, only had to work 3 days, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. I figured since it was a short week I could slack off a little bit. And since I was slacking off I didn’t need as much sleep so I could stay up, right? Then Thursday night we got invited out to a jazz place downtown.

The plan was to only have a couple of drinks, stay maybe an hour or two, then head home to bed. The problem was when I got there and saw how much fun everyone was having, I didn’t want to leave. I haven’t gotten to hang out much lately so I shut my rational self down and stayed out much later and drank more than I should’ve.

So Friday morning was a bit of a struggle. Thanks to my good friend Mr. Redbull I made it through the day but instead of coming home and catching up on the much needed sleep, I stayed up late again! Sleep sounded like a waste of time, I wanted to be doing things dammit! Nothing productive of course but I was up and conscious and that’s what I wanted.

Then I did the same last night and now I am drinking cup after cup of coffee trying to catch up of everything I slacked on the last few days. Writing, drawing, cleaning, I didn’t do any of it. I wanted to spend hours not doing anything worth doing. I played Xbox and watched TV and scrolled Twitter. I regret nothing!

If we were having coffee I would tell you that I have come to my senses now and returned to the real world. I may be stuck in the house due to weather but I will try not to let myself get to lazy. I am going to get stuff done.

If we were having coffee I would tell you that my mood has been pretty good lately. But I am also feeling bored and that is making me depressed. I am not very happy with the long hours I spend at my day job and I have the option of cutting back a little bit. I want to in order to focus more on writing and art but I am scared and reluctant to disappoint my bosses.

I have always wanted to do my own thing and maybe turn it into a business but being a grown up has gotten in the way of me doing the things that I love. I used to draw all the time and now I struggle to get the creative juices flowing. This is not how I want to be. Even if it means less money, I would rather be a creative person, an artist, than a worker bee.

That means making some tough choices soon and decided what matters more to me and what I can and cannot do. And once I start down a path there will be little chance of turning around.

If we were having coffee I would tell you that trying my hand a writing poetry last week was pretty fun. I learned that it isn’t quite as impossible a thing as I had thought it was. I don’t pretend that mine or all that great but they aren’t as shitty as I thought they would be, but I am still keeping the Shitty Poetry tag for now. It makes me smile.

If we were having coffee I would have to grab another to go and head out, I have a bunch of stuff to do today and I have to utilize the energy I have now. Thank you for visiting with me! I hope you had a good week. I hope the weather is nicer where you are. And I hope you enjoy the rest of your Sunday. :)

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Saying Goodbye to Summer

I work for a school district so, for me, summer ends tomorrow. School starts back up on Monday and that means I am back on a school bus tomorrow to practice my route.*

This is a hard time of year for me because summer is my favorite season. There is so much to do in the summer and everything looks so green and alive! There are water parks and amusement parks, there are festivals and events. Bar rooftops are open and nighttime temperatures are perfect for drinks and hanging out with friends. I am sad to see all that go. In the winter there is nothing to do but stay inside and try you best to keep warm.

Here in Colorado our winters last longer than our summers, and spring and fall are almost non-existent. I’m one of those people who needs sunny days and warm temperatures to feel happy. Seasonal affective disorder I think they call it. I get depressed around the same time every year, just as fall is hitting and when it gets bad it seems like winter will never end. By the time January rolls around I have given up emotionally. I start to feel like the cold and clouds will be there forever, and the warmth and the green will never come back.

I’m already preparing myself mentally for the leaves to start changing and everything to turn gray and cold. I am planning for coping with the cold and I even had a co-worker bring in a new space heater for us all. I will soon be buying a new coat and stocking up on hand and warmers. I hope the bus I will be in is sealed well and that the heaters work.

I long to live somewhere where the sun shines all year and the weather stays nice. I’ve heard Hawaii has nice weather all year-round, or maybe Southern California or Florida. One day I hope to be rid of snow and negative degree temperatures. No more shivering, no more cold, wet toes and no more runny noses!

So today I say goodbye to summer and hope that it doesn’t take too long to return again. I will try to remember all the fun I had this year and maybe the memories will warm my soul when the temperatures outside freeze my body.

*Just to clarify I work as a para-professional, or bus aid, not as a driver.

Taking a Snow Day

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I didn’t feel like going in to work this morning.

Just felt like I needed a little time to myself. Being around other people is just so tiring, and nothing seems important right now. It’s not like I’m depressed, I mean I am sad, really fucking sad, but I’m not depressed really. Not any more than I usually am anyway. It’s just that my dog died, and that was a big event, and it makes everything else seem petty and unimportant. I care about going to work yes, because paying bills is still important, but everything I do at work seems stupid now. My boss talks and I zone out. People ask me what to do or what the plan is and I just shrug my shoulders. None of it means anything.

I do still care very much about my girlfriend and I care about our home. In fact the only time I feel happy is when we are at home together, safe in our own world. Nothing else even exists when we are home together. Sucks she couldn’t stay home with me this morning though. I’m not sure if being at home without her is any better than going to work but she will be off for lunch soon.

I hope with time this feeling will go away. I see people at work treating me different and feeling awkward around me. Yesterday I felt like they were pushing for me to go home or take time off. I know part of that was actual, genuine concern, but I wonder if part of it was not wanting to be around my attitude. I’m afraid my boss will start feeling like I’m not doing enough, or he will stop giving me work to do out of pity. Right now I have the luxury of acting like this but next week I will be back to regular work and I will have to get my shit together. Get my poop in a group as my friend would say.

 

 

 

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