If We Were Having Coffee // Time to Get Spooky!

Hello dear readers. Thanks for stopping by for a bit of coffee and conversation. I’m feeling anxious today. The caffeine isn’t helping. Actually, the caffeine might be the cause.

Actually, the caffeine might be the cause. I’d been drinking cold brew coffee for months but since the mornings are growing colder and colder, and I need something warm and strong to start the day again. Drip coffee tastes like bitter water now, so I’ve dusted off my espresso machine and moved to drinking a couple of warm, velvety shots instead. I’m still figuring out the right ratio of coffee grounds to water and I may have overdone it.

“Coffee for two
The sweetest and most bitter
Bold in taste
Warm in conversation
Lovely in embrace
Coffee for me
Coffee for you”

— NB // Coffee For Two

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I’m feeling much better this Sunday than I was the last. The world still feels like it’s ending nearly every day, but I made sure to take breaks from social media and to limit my intake of the news to once or twice a day. Some of the shit still found its way in.

Between Harvey Weinstein’s predation coming to light, the short-sighted call to boycott Twitter in response to Rose McGowan being suspended, the fires in California, and Trump sabotaging what little health care we can get in this country I still found plenty of reasons to be depressed and anxious, but less so than the week before. It was good to unplug for a while.

Not that I have been any more productive instead. I found new ways to waste time, and new ways to be disappointed in myself. It wasn’t a good writing week at all. I had such hope after starting a list of specific topics to write about here and after deciding on the theme for an upcoming personal writing project I thought it would be easy-peasy from here. Nope, the hardest part is still keeping my ass in the chair and just doing the damn writing.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that there is hope though. I’ve started reading Things Are What You Make of Them by Adam J. Kurtz, and I’m feeling a little less afraid of writing. Or, I feel a little less alone in my fear and my failure. It always helps to know you aren’t struggling alone. It helps to know it isn’t all you, being creative and putting yourself out there are just hard things to do, but you can do it if you just don’t give up.

I’m also reading The Virgin Suicides by Jeffrey Eugenides. I started it last Thursday, and I’m already halfway done. It’s such a dream to read! I’ve seen the movie about a million time but it’s such a unique story told from such an intriguing perspective that it still draws me in and excites me.

***

If we were having coffee, I would wish you a belated happy Friday the 13th! Being a fan of all things horror, I’m always excited when the 13th falls on a Friday of any month, but having it happen in October is an especially spooky treat. To mark the occasion my sister, and my girlfriend and I went out to take advantage of some Friday the 13th tattoo and piercing specials. My sister got her nostril pierced. My girlfriend got a lucky white rabbit tattoo, and I got this cute little fly that reminded me of the film The Fly, the 1986 version specifically, thank you very much.

This is my second Friday the 13th tattoo, and I’m already looking to getting another next Friday, which just happens to be my birthday!

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the highlight of my week, besides the tattoo, was last night when we met up with some friends for a couple’s night out.

We started at a small pizza place downtown for dinner and drinks. It was a new place, and I was pleasantly surprised. The calzones we ordered were enormous and delicious, and the menu featured an extensive list of microbrews and cocktails. Afterward, we went to a huge haunted house to get spooky! After that, we went for even more drinks!

It’s been too long since we were last out with friends, I didn’t realize how much I had missed it. Especially these friends, two other couples who understand what it means to be with someone for years. I enjoy watching them interact with each other. Like everything else, it helps to know you are normal.

We're the cutest 😍😙

A post shared by Lisa Blair (@zenandpi) on

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that it’s getting late and I have to get going. There’s more writing to do, posts to draft and notes to type up plus laundry to do, dinner to get in the oven, and the cocktails that need to be made before The Duece comes on.

I hope you had a wonderful week. I hope you found time to take care of you this weekend. I hope it’s beginning to feel like Halloween and you are enjoying the spooky vibes too.

Until next time

The world's shrinking.

A post shared by Lisa Blair (@zenandpi) on

***

Thanks for reading! If you like this post check out my weekly-ish newsletter for inspiring reads + existential musings on life, love, and inevitable human suffering. Or help support what I do by sharing a cup of coffee.

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up, now hosted over at Eclectic Alli!

Featured photo is by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

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If We Were Having Coffee // So The World Ends Every Week Now

Hello dear readers. Thanks for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up. I’m having a hard time feeling motivated today, so everything is happening late and taking twice as long as I’d hoped. I’d considered just staying in bed today to rest and relax away from the world some more while I still could, but that never makes me feel much better. So I’m up, and I’m here because chatting with you always helps even when it’s hard.

 

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this week was a bad one. Every time I turned on the news or got online the world seemed to be ending all around me. It seems like the world ends every week now and I’m running out of ways to cope.

I woke up Monday morning with a long to-do list and enough motivation to tackle it all but as soon as I heard the news coming out of Las Vegas, I couldn’t think about anything else. I spent my morning listening to traumatized survivors retell their stories through tears and hearing the sounds of bullets hitting people and pavement played over and over again. All that shock and devastation found its way into my heart that morning, and I still haven’t entirely recovered.

My heart was already so heavy as it was and what happened in Las Vegas just kind of broke me a little, and I shut down. I couldn’t to do anything but think of my little life and all the ways I want to protect it. It’s hard to accomplish your goals when all around you people are suffering. It’s hard to enjoy your hobbies when children lose their health care, and transgender people lose their protections. It’s hard to believe in a brighter future when the NRA, big oil, and fat cats keep winning. It’s hard to believe in humanity when our President divides the country, acts like an ass, and pushes us closer to nuclear war, week after week after week.

It’s hard to believe you can change the world when you are afraid to even leave your house or turn on the TV.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that despite it all I haven’t given up. I just needed to rest, but it’s hard to begin again. Turning off the news helps. I’m learning not to feel guilty about that. Humans weren’t built for all this suffering and chaos coming at us from all over the world. My heart is only so big, and I have to give it time to work through things before letting any more pain in.

SO, I turned off the news for a few days. I spent time with my girlfriend and made time to text friends and family. I sought out the things that made me feel better, and I overindulged. I made sure to join this week’s #LetMeFemsplain chat all about technology and self-care. I watched movies, read books, played with the dog, and went on a blocking and unfollowing spree across all my social media accounts.

I carved out space around myself, and I made it quiet and calm. I rested my ears and my mind and my voice. I’m hoping to get back to listening and speaking my truth, but it may be slow going for a while. I’m not quite ready to let the world back in.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the highlight of my week was seeing the Colorado Ballet performance of Dracula yesterday.

The weather cooperated. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky and a cool breeze blowing just enough to keep the heat in check.

We’d planned on brunch at a popular restaurant near the opera house before the show but when we arrived they told us it might be another hour before we got seated. To kill time we took a walk around the block where we ran into a sign for $15 brunch buffet, $4 bloody marys, and $3 mimosas, plus a live jazz band outside a small restaurant We were sold! We wandered in and were seated immediately.

We wandered in and were seated immediately. The staff was friendly, the food was good, the music was great, and the drinks were strong. The restaurant is now one of our faves, and we plan to eat their every time we visit the Performing Arts complex from now on.

Since we’d eaten, we decided to head to Starbucks and watch the downtown crowds until showtime. The annual Zombie Crawl was underway, and there were a ton of creative people staggering around dressed up as the undead.

The ballet performance itself was just incredible! There were mental patients, wolves, zombies, and vampires of course. The story is a classic and easy to follow. The costumes and effects were perfect, and the dancers were breathtaking, as always. The dancer playing Dracula was beyond phenomenal, seductive and creepy! Even the music was good, loud and booming from the moment the curtain went up. It was seriously so, so good!

***

If we were having coffee I would tell you that the first winter storm of the season is forecasted to roll in overnight tonight, already! They are talking about 4-6 inches snow and I can hardly believe it after the gorgeous weekend we’ve had. I’m not ready, but I’m doing my best to love fall. I’m making sure to take in all the colors and smells. I’m enjoying the return to warm dinners with soups and squashes. I’m spending the evenings cuddled up under the covers sipping fall cocktails with apple and cinnamon flavors. I used to hate fall, but moping is a waste of time. Better to cling to all the good I can.

 

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that it’s getting late, and though I hate to go there is a ton of cleaning waiting to be done and about a million things I have to do to prepare for the week. It’s been good to chat with you and get some of this off of my chest. Thank you for listening.

I hope you found some good throughout the week despite all the horror going on around us and I hope your weekend was a relaxing one.

Until next time, take care of yourself.

***

Thanks for reading! If you like this post check out my weekly-ish newsletter for inspiring reads + existential musings on life, love, and inevitable human suffering. Or help support what I do by sharing a cup of coffee.

Featured image is by Ronaldo Arthur Vidal on Unsplash

If We Were Having Coffee // More About Us and Less About Me

Hello dear readers and thank you for stopping for a bit of conversation and caffeine. I know it’s late, but I had a bit of a crazy night last night. I figured out how easy it is to make lemon drop cocktails and my girlfriend and I overdid it on the sugary sour drinks. I’ve only just recovered enough to tolerate the brightness of my laptop screen. But, it’s okay, and a cup of strong espresso and a chance to catch up with you sounds like the perfect after dinner treat.

“Drink some coffee and pretend you know what you’re doing.”

Unknown

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this past week was another busy one, but for a while, things are going to calm down a bit around here. I think my girlfriend has found a little peace too. She’s been able to cut out of work earlier and earlier and the 15 hour days are more like 12 hour days and our weekends are back to being all about us instead of half about work.

I’m not sure how long the break will last. Part of me feels more anxious than I did before knowing that the stress will return eventually. No matter how often we go through this cycle, I have a hard time adjusting every time. I hate having to share her with her work. I think I wouldn’t mind it so much if I at least knew she was happy and doing what she loves but having to be away from her and seeing her so stressed out and upset all the time hurts my heart.

I suppose I shouldn’t worry about that so much right now. I should just make the most of this time before I’m back spending so much time by myself again.

***

If we were having coffee, I would wish you a very merry First Day of Halloween! As much as I hate to see the summer go, at least it ends with a whole month of horror movies, haunted houses, pumpkin carving, and candy corn. All of my favorite things!

This week we’re seeing a ballet performance of Dracula and maybe a play starring a friend of mine as Jack the Ripper on Friday the 13th. I’m really hoping to go to a movie party at the Alamo, and maybe a costume party if a couple of our friends are willing to open their home. If nothing else I’m going to watch all my favorite scary flicks like The Shining, Carrie, The ConjuringNightmare on Elm Street, and The Fly, and I’ll be eagerly awaiting the new season of Stager Things too. I haven’t settled on a costume yet, it depends on what kind of parties I end up at, but I’m thinking about going back to classics like zombies, mummies, and skeletons.

I haven’t settled on a costume yet, it depends on what kind of parties I end up at, but I’m thinking about going back to classics like zombies, mummies, and skeletons. But even if I end up sitting at home with my girlfriend, gorging myself on candy corn and pumpkin seeds and sipping fall cocktails while freaking ourselves out over ghosts stories and slasher movies, I’ll be happy.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I continue to be embarrassed by our tone-deaf, selfish, and insensitive President. I am so angry I don’t even know where to begin. All I can say is that my thoughts are with the people of Puerto Rico, our forgotten fellow Americans and that I am in full support of Colin Kaepernick and every player who joins him in bringing attention to police brutality and killing.

I’ve unfriended a few people over the last week over Kaepernick and the NFL. I don’t even watch football, but I do care about this issue, and I won’t have people in my life who refuse to listen and refuse to understand. This year was about saving my energy and focusing on brown, queer, and fem voices and issues. Anyone who isn’t on board or willing to support that can get far away from me.

***

If we were having coffee, I would give you a heads up that there may be some changes coming to the blog. Nothing big. Just more and better content. I’m working on becoming more focused and covering more big questions and problems we are all going through. More about us and less about me is what I am trying to say. More about self-care, creativity, society, education, relationships, science, sex, pop-culture, and mental health. More life lessons. More culture. More society. More about human life. That’s what this blog was always supposed to be.

I’ll still be writing about me, but a lot of that will be vented out on Twitter and Tumblr. I’m working on some other big projects too. Something all about my death anxiety, maybe a chapbook, but it will be slow going. I want to take my time with it.

In the meantime, while I’m working on all that great content, and preparing to face my mortality in a very public way, things may get quieter around here. I won’t shut down completely. I still need this little space while I figure out what the hell I’m doing, but don’t be put off by a week or more of silence. I promise you I’ll come back, and I will keep getting better and better too. Just be patient with me, please? My goal will always be to talk about those parts of ourselves we have forgotten and to find a way to bring comfort and calm to all our emptiness and suffering.

***

If we were having coffee, I would say thanks again for chatting with me, and for reading my little writings over these past few years. Thanks for being an ear to vent to and a shoulder to cry on. It’s nice to know people still come around, and care about what I have to say, even when I have no idea what I’m saying myself. I know many of you have left comments and I have been horrible about getting back to you. I’m sorry. I write all these things and post them for the world to read, and still, I’m so shy. I feel so unworthy of an audience that I don’t ever know what to say except thank you, thank you, thank you. I worry that gets old though. I worry it isn’t enough. So, I say nothing at all. I’m going to change that.

***

If we were having coffee, I would say it is getting late, and I have kept you long enough. The work week begins again tomorrow, and we both need our sleep, me especially. My headache hasn’t gone away completely, and my body is sore and stiff. I think there is just enough time to take a hot shower and swallow some Tylenol.

I hope you had a good week, and that our weekend was relaxing. I hope you are taking care of yourself out there. Drink more water, get more rest, and be patient with yourself. We’re all just doing our best, and that is always good enough.

Until next time.

***

Thank you for reading! If you like this post check out my weekly-ish newsletter for inspiring reads + existential musings on life, love, and inevitable human suffering. Or help support what I do by sharing a cup of coffee.

Photo by Edan Cohen on Unsplash

The Week’s End // A Roundup of Inspiring Reads

Hello and happy weekend friends! How are you? What are you up to? Anything fun planned? If not, or if you happen to have some downtime and you’re looking for some interesting and inspiring reads to check out I’ve got you covered. Here are my favorites from across the web:

Demonstrators protest the not-guilty verdict in the murder trial of Jason Stockley.
// Atlantic Photos of the Week

We have to help Puerto Rico

The trauma of storms

7 Days of Heroine

Binary language

Feminism: a warning

A few shameful things

So what drives our deceptiveness?

Cure your tree blindness.

You have more than five senses.

Do you even exist?

Watch Overrated. Listen to Bodies. Read The Saturn System Through the Eyes of Cassini. Follow #WOMENSART.

Tinfoil Parachute

Have you read, watched, or written an interesting or inspiring thing this week? Has something on the internet made you feel strongly, think deeply, or see the world in a new light? If so, drop a link in the comments, we’d love to check it out!

***

This list was originally sent out along with today’s newsletter, Anxiously Avoiding Anxiety, along with some existential musings of my own. Check it out and subscribe, or help support what I do by sharing a cup of coffee.

Featured image by Andrew Neel on Unsplash

If We Were Having Coffee // The World is Falling Apart, Stay Safe

Hello, dear readers! Thank you so much for stopping by for our weekly coffee and conversation date. I know it hasn’t been so “weekly” lately. Life’s been a little crazy, and my health and energy levels have been suffering because of it, but I’m hoping that we will get back to regular coffee and catching up starting this week. There’s a chance all the crazy may be winding down. I can’t say I promise though since so much of what has happened has been last-minute and unexpected. I just want you to know I’m trying.

“Life is like coffee, the darker it gets, the more it energizes.”

― Ankita Singhal

***

If we were having coffee, I would start by letting everyone in the state of Florida know that my thoughts are with you. I am following the news of Hurricane Irma very closely, and I hope that the worst predictions won’t come true. I hope you all stay safe and that the damage to your homes, schools, streets, and wildlife and lands will be minimal and I hope the recovery and the rebuilding will be a time of coming together in compassion too.

My thoughts are still with Houston and the survivors of Hurricane Harvey. I’m following the news coming out of the West as wildfires burn unchecked, and I am thinking of the people of Mexico dealing with their own hurricane and the strongest earthquake to hit the country in 100 years.

My heart is also breaking for the young men and women who feel so betrayed by the President’s decision to put an end to the DACA program. I faxed all my congressional representatives to let them know just how ugly and cruel this is and that I hoped they would do right by the citizens of this country and protect its most vulnerable.

It feels like the world is falling apart and I am doing my best to be grateful for what I have a where I am and to keep my home safe and my anxiety in check. The news is getting harder and harder to watch every day and the problems around me grow and grow until I feel hopeless and helpless do anything that matters.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the reason we couldn’t meet last week is that we finally got a weekend camping trip in. We found out that our favorite movie theater chain, Alamo Drafthouse, was partnering with SyFy to show Close Encounters of the Third Kind below the Devils Tower Monument in Wyoming. We learned it would be shown in the campsite next to the tower and decided to head on up and make a whole weekend of it for my girlfriend’s birthday.

I went up there remembering very little about the film and knowing next to nothing about the monument, so the trip was a real learning experience for me. The film was amazing, emotional, thought-provoking, and very funny. The tower was like nothing I’ve ever seen. If you haven’t been there, I highly recommend you go at least once in your life. The hike around the base of it is incredible. You get right up next to it, and even without registration you can climb the boulder field around the base and get right up to it.

I learned a ton about the geography and formation of the tower as well as some of the myths and Native American ceremonies that involve the tower that still go on today. The whole experience was just amazing. I want to tell you more, but the words I have just aren’t enough to convey how I felt up there. I’m so glad we went and that I got to see just a miracle of nature up close.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that while getting away from all the problems and expectations of life for a weekend was nice, it wasn’t nearly enough. When you know there is a whole world out there, with no deadlines, no expectations, nothing but beauty and history, you want to leave everything you know, go off grid and just dedicate your life to seeing as much of nature as you can. Sadly, letting go of your life, your connections, and your luxuries isn’t so easy. So, back to the real world, we had to return.

Work has been hard. I had a hectic week both last week and the week before plus I have been trying to squeeze in writing whenever I could, which wasn’t nearly as much as I needed. And even with all I have on my plate, I feel so guilty for complaining because compared to people around me I think I have it pretty easy. My route isn’t that bad. My work hours aren’t so bad either; and at least I have some time, anytime at all, to focus on my passion. At least I have a passion to wish I had more time for, you know?

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that everything hasn’t been all bad. Not only did I accomplish my goal applying for the Bitch Media Writing Fellowship the week before last I also sent my first real pitch to Buzzfeed for their Mental Health Week coverage. I had hoped to send a full draft of the piece but work really got in the way and I just couldn’t finish it. I’m hoping a summary, and a few clips will be strong enough to be considered, if not I’ll have a topic to discuss here instead.

I have a list of other places to send work, and I anticipate lots and lots of rejection, but that’s okay. I want to start pushing myself further. I want to start learning how to become a real writer, one who is paid to write. The only way I can do that is to start putting myself out there. I have to get over this fear of failure and start making mistakes and maybe even embarrassing myself a little so I can improve not just my work but my pitching strategy too.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that as much as I have missed chatting with you, I have to run. Between the long weekend, the busy work weeks, and my girlfriend’s birthday celebrations, I’ve had no time to take care of the house and I still have to get ready to visit my family, who I have also neglected these past few weeks.

I hope these first weeks of September have treated you well and if it hasn’t, I hope things turn around for you soon. Stay safe, make time for the things you enjoy, take care of yourselves and your loved ones too.

Until next time lovelies.

***

Thank you for reading! If you like this post check out my weekly-ish newsletter for inspiring reads + existential musings on life, love, and inevitable human suffering. Or help support what I do by sharing a cup of coffee.

Written for the weekly Weekend Coffee Share link up hosted by Part-Time Monster

Featured image by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

If We Were Having Coffee // Life is Stressful, Life is Good

Hello dear readers. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine ad catching up. I wasn’t sure we were going to meet today. I have a lot on my mind, and so much I should be doing but it’s all a little overwhelming and when I am overwhelmed I shut down. So, I thought, maybe what I need a cup of strong coffee, a little conversation, and a chance to put my mind to other things before I can try again.

“I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;”

— T. S. Eliot, The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell that like the rest of the country my TV is tuned to the news of Hurricane Harvey and the devastation in Texas. The images I see coming out of the city are shocking. It’s horrifying the amount of damage that has been inflicted along their coastal cities in the course of only a weekend.

Years ago we dealt with flooding here in Denver. It had rained here for days on end and once the ground had become saturated the water began to seep into our homes. Only 13 inches of fell rain over the course of many days here, and only an inch or so of water found its way into my basement, but even that felt devastating. I cannot imagine that amount and more over just one night, or the 50″ forecasted for Houston by the end of this storm. I can’t imagine how those people are feeling or how scared they might be.

I have family living in Houston—my sister, her kids and husband, and his family—and so far they are faring well, but that may not last as the waters are predicted to continue to rise through the middle of the week. I was happy to hear though that they have plenty of food and water, they have a plan should the water start to flood their apartment, and their satellite signal held out long enough to watch the Mayweather/Mcgregor fight last night.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the last couple of weeks have been more than a little crazy around here. The school year started and not only are we dealing with a severe driver shortage there is also new management and district wide problems ranging from students with lice to teachers and coaches charged with sexually assaulting students. We’re only two weeks in and this already feels like the worst year we’ve ever had.

Personally, though I’m doing better than most. My route is a good one, and I like the driver I’m riding with too. My girlfriend isn’t doing so well though. She’s still working up to 14 hours a day but she’s agreed not to work on Sunday’s and even when she goes in on Saturday’s she at least sleeps in a little and comes home in the early afternoon. I’m still worried about her stress levels and her health, but she is trying.

She’s agreed not to work more than 6 days out of the week, and when she goes in on the weekends, I am going to start going in along with her. I can write from there, and we can bring the dog too. It’s better than me sitting at home sad or making her feel bad for something that’s out of her control. When she isn’t working, we do our best go out, to keep off our phones, and keep our attention on each other. This weekend we saw friends for drinks and enjoyed a few movies at the drive-in.

By the way, Dunkirk was boring. Annabelle was creepy, but the plot was kind of dumb, and The Dark Tower was beyond disappointing. We had fun despite the movies.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that it hasn’t been all bad though. I believe the last time we chatted was the week before our 15th anniversary. We kept it simple. Fifteen years together is quite a milestone but for us and we just wanted to enjoy it without any stress of planning or the pressure to make it perfect. That’s how we are though, the more important the milestone in our lives, the simpler we choose to celebrate it. This year it was a seafood dinner at our new favorite restaurant complete with plenty of wine and oysters. That was all.

It may sound boring, but it’s honestly all I ever want. Just to be with her in a place that has memories of us where we can spend a few hours getting to know each other again. The longer you are with someone, the more you realize that having someone listen to you, to laugh at your jokes, to offer advice and reassurance, and tell you all the good things you do and how much you mean to their world means more than any material gift or fancy destination. So that is what we give to each other, these little gifts for anniversaries, for birthdays, or sometimes just on a regular old Friday night after a hard week.

That’s love. That is what 15 years feels like to me.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that we are only 7 months into Trump’s term and I have already come to a point where I have to stop letting him, and his administration take up so much of my time and mental energy. I have to limit how often I read the news, and I will no longer allow myself to watch his speeches, his press releases, or his rallies live. I will watch when I am in a good place, not before bed, not when I am already having a bad day, and not on my bad anxiety days.

I am still committed to resisting his harmful, destructive, and chaotic agenda and I will still work hard to educate those around me and stay informed, but I will do it in my own time and in my own way. I’m tired of starting the day yelling at the TV and fuming on social media over his latest tweets and lies.

This past weekend is when I really began to cut myself off. The last straw, the moment I decided he will never be someone I consider a leader and when I lost the last scrap of hope I had that he might one day become a president I at least won’t be embarrassed by, came when I heard the news that while the entire country was sending thoughts and prayers to the people of Texas as Harvey slammed into the coast he quietly pardoned a racist and banned transgendered people from serving in the military.

He’s a snake and a coward, and he’ll never be my President.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that it is getting late and I really have to get going. There is just too much I have left to do before the weekend is over.

I have been working like hell for the past two weeks to get my application in for the Bitch Media Fellowship for Writers, and I am so close to finishing my cover letter, CV, and gathering my writing samples. I’m going to try to spend the rest of the day working on it. I had hoped to submit it all tonight, but with all the house work I have to do before the big Game of Thrones finale it may have to wait until early tomorrow morning.

I hope you had a wonderful week, and that your weekend was a relaxing one. If you are in Texas or have family near any of the destruction, my thoughts are with you. Please, stay safe.

Until next time.

And Lola, the cutest little pain in the ass I know lol 🐶

A post shared by Lisa Blair (@zenandpi) on

***

Thank you for reading! If you like this post check out my weekly-ish newsletter for inspiring reads + existential musings on life, love, and inevitable human suffering. Or help support what I do by sharing a cup of coffee.

Written for the weekly Weekend Coffee Share link up hosted by Part-Time Monster

Featured image by Paul on Unsplash

If We Were Having Coffee // Better After a While than Never Again

Hello, dear readers and happy Sunday. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and conversation. I know it’s been a few weeks since our last chat and to be honest, I wasn’t sure if I’d be feeling up to returning today but I’ve had my coffee, the weather is bearable, and my mood is stable, so here I am. It feels good to be back.

“Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all.”

— David Lynch

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If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I wish I had a good reason for having disappeared for two weeks, but I’m afraid it’s nothing more than anxiety and low self-image around writing, where I am going, and who I am supposed to be. It’s been one of those months in which life’s big question start pestering you and your failures become too apparent until you come to the realization, again, that you have no idea what you are doing and time is running out.

Basically, I’m convinced that I should stop writing entirely. I’m trying to get through that, I have been for a long time now, and of course, the answer is simple but not the one I want to hear. The answer is I am good enough I only have to try harder and find joy in writing rather than trying to be anyone else other than who I am. I have to stop comparing myself to other people. It’s that simple.

Most of the people I look up to online are those who are just out to express themselves. That expression finds a community and that community translates into a dream, a direction, and a career. I may have been going about this all wrong. I need to go back and find community and joy in what I do again.

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If we were having coffee, I would tell you that next week will be my last one before I have to go back to a regular work schedule and I’m both excited and completely freaked out.

I haven’t completed any of the goals I wanted to this summer and while a lot of that was me being depressed and lazy a lot of it was my work load turning out to be a lot bigger than I expected it would. I thought I would have very little to do in the mornings and would, therefore, have all the time in the world to write. Instead, I spent every morning working, and by the afternoon I was hot and exhausted and spent a lot of time napping through the summer heat.

I miss having a structured schedule. I realize I am not at all ready to manage my schedule or be my own boss. I do not have the discipline or healthy emotional state to be left to my own devices. I can’t trust myself to do what is best for myself. I am the only one standing in my way, every day.

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If we were having coffee, I would tell you girlfriend has been super stressed out lately, and I’m really worried about her. A lot of changes are happening around her at work.

She has a new boss, the district we work for has decided to push the bell times of all our schools later, and there is the possibility of promotion, but she has to interview for the position first. There’s also a critical driver shortage and low morale in the workplace we’re dealing with too. All of it is piling up at once, and no matter how hard she works or how fast she gets through the tasks all the changes and expectations continue to pile on top.

Lately, if she isn’t at work she’s working from home, and if she isn’t working, she’s busy bursting into tears from impossible expectations and a serious case of imposter syndrome.

I’m doing my best to take care of her and to remind her to take care of herself, but there is only so much I can do. Most of the time I’m standing on the sideline watching and worrying, holding in my anger over the way I think she should be treated and how much is being asked of her.

We’re both hoping that very soon things we’ll calm down, but our hopes aren’t too high.

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If we were having coffee, I would tell you that because of all the stress swirling around our home we are making more time to get out and get away together when we can.

It’s been a while since I’ve watched a movie that was purely for entertainment and escape, like action films or comedies. That’s not to say that action films or comedies aren’t art or that they aren’t good. I just mean that they don’t provoke emotion in me, so I usually avoid those types of movies. But this weekend we needed an escape and shooting, spies, and beautiful women felt right. So Atomic Blonde it was.

The plot wasn’t too deep or unpredictable, but visually this film was amazing. The fight scenes felt realistic and Charlize Theron and Sofia Boutella are pretty hot together! I recommend it if the price of a movie ticket in your city isn’t too high, or if the theater you frequent serves alcohol and has a decent food and dessert menu to make the trip worth it.

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If we were having coffee, I would tell you that there is something I don’t want to talk about, but I probably should get out there because shame and hiding aren’t helping.

I would tell you that my biggest disappointment this summer has been the complete lack of progress on getting over my driving phobia and achieving full adulthood by finally getting my driver’s license.

That’s right, I am 32 years old, and I am so afraid of being behind the wheel that I can’t drive. I’ve talked about it here before but it was a long time ago, and when I did I said I was going to work hard, be brave, and do what I needed to do to be driving by the end of the summer. My anxiety got the best of me, and I conveniently forgot to practice for months. I didn’t avoid it on purpose. My subconscious mind has been sabotaging me that’s all.

There is good news though. I am trying to start again. I went out driving the other night and did well considering how long it’s bee and the fact that I’m not used to our new Jeep. I want to go out again tonight, before Game of Thrones, if I make the time and stop being a coward and just fucking do it.

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If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I’ve just noticed how late it’s getting and remembered how much cleaning, writing, and self-care I have to squeeze in today. I’m so glad we got to catch up today. Hopefully, I can get it together, and you hear from me more often going forward.

I hope you’ve been well these few weeks. I hope this weekend was relaxing and that you found time to do things that make you feel good. Leave a note in the comments if you have time. I’d love to hear some of what you’ve been up to lately.

Until next time…

Awwwww look at these pretty fl—LOLA NO!

A post shared by Lisa Blair (@zenandpi) on

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Written for the weekly Weekend Coffee Share link up hosted by Part-Time Monster

Featured image via Unsplash