Remember What the Work is For

Hello, and happy Monday! I know, I know, Mondays aren’t happy. Mondays are for being tired, and grouchy, and remembering all the things you don’t like about your life. Mondays are for wanting to crawl back into bed.

But, let’s try something different. Let’s think of Mondays as a chance at a fresh start, every single week. Each Monday is a reset button. Let’s take this opportunity to do it differently. Let’s make the changes we want to see in ourselves and the world, okay?

“I want to read and write and be very quiet.”

— Martha Gellhorn

Sometimes I forget what I am supposed to be working toward. I forget that it’s not the accomplishments or acknowledgments, those are simply a means to and end. The end is the life I dream of, a life where I can be free of societies norms and other people’s expectation.

My dream is to live a life where I am surrounded by ideas, with plenty of time to think them over and through, and then send them back out into the world with a little of myself in each one. My dream is to live a life of reading, writing, and quiet.

Sometimes I get caught up in reading all the marketing and productivity blogs and trying to do what they do. Sometimes I get caught up in networking and social media and blogging and promotion and hashtags and groups and fan pages and the photos and it never seems to be enough. I feel like I spend all my time doing a whole lot of things that at the end of the day don’t feel anything like what I wanted to be doing with my life.

What is it all for if I never feel happy? What is it all for when it’s all about other people and their posts and their pictures and whether or not they will please follow me or like this or share this? When is it about me? When does it start to feel good and right and meaningful? When do I stop chasing the means and finally get to the end?

I think the time is now. Or maybe, some of the time is now.

This week, I’m going to carve out time that is for living the life I want to live now. My wants aren’t too complicated or costly. I just want time to learn and think and share there is no reason I cannot have that today. There is no reason why any one of us can’t carve out just a little bit of our future dream and bring back here to the present reality.

This week, live a little of the life you always wanted to. Plan a small trip, take a small step, pretend you already are where you always wanted to be. Do it because tomorrow is never promised and you don’t want to spend what little life you have chasing a dream you might never get to see made real. Do it because you deserve a little of that happiness now dammit!

Of course, reality will fly back in and remind you that you need to be creating, selling, sharing, and marketing. It will remind you to get up early, post to this timeline or that, set your SMART goals, build good habits, and make progress every day, but never forget what it is all for.

It’s all so that you can be who you want to be and live the way you want to live, one day, some day, and for a little while, this day.

***

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Featured image via Unsplash

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Maybe It’s Better to Starve

Hello, dear readers and happy Monday! I know, I know, Mondays aren’t happy. Mondays are for feeling tired, and grouchy, and remembering all the things you don’t like about your life. Mondays are for wanting to crawl back into bed.

But, let’s try something different. Let’s think of Mondays as a chance at a fresh start, every single week. Mondays are do-overs, each one is our own personal reset button. Let’s take this opportunity to do it differently. Let’s make the changes we want to see in ourselves and the world, okay?

This Monday is a good one, even if it is a bit stressful. I did a bit of jean shopping yesterday at Hollister (all jeans $25!), so I woke up excited to wear a new pair. It’s the little things, you know? I woke up early. I got to work, and it was quiet. I felt motivated and got right to work catching up and planning for the week. Then things fell apart a bit, and it looks like the week will be even busier than I thought, but that’s ok. I have new jeans that fit perfectly!

“I have one of two choices — stay in the post office and go crazy … or stay out here and play at writer and starve. I have decided to starve.”

— Charles Bukowski

These past few months have been a little tense at my workplace. For new followers, when I am not writing I work for the transportation department of a large school district here in Colorado. We’ve been dealing with an employee shortage and working something like magic to get these kids to and from school, but we are rapidly approaching a breaking point. If things don’t turn around soon, we may find our jobs contracted out to another company.

I had hoped that I could begin making a living through writing and keep this job as a backup working only part-time. I wanted to find a way to transition from the safety of a steady paycheck to a life where nothing is certain, but I am happier. I worry the safety I feel here is what is holding me back. Change is scary, and I may be using this place to put off taking the leap. I love the kids and all the time off I get, but this just isn’t my passion. Writing has always been what I wanted to spend my life doing.

Two things have changed in the last few weeks. The atmosphere here has become toxic. The stress of the shortage is tearing this place apart, and I feel like I am sitting in a cloud of negativity all day. My coworkers have become an emotional drain and trying to be positive is only irritating everyone. When I’m not on my route, when I am in the lounge or office, I have to isolate myself. I spend much of my day with my headphones in now. I don’t want to live like this.

Then, last week I read a piece by Charles Chu titled Charles Bukowski: The Slavery of the 9 to 5 that made me face the fact that there is no safe way to become a full-time writer. In it Bukowski answers an ad in which an author offers people $100 a month to quit their jobs. The above quote was Bukowski’s answer.

I read it and I thought, “Damn, I’d rather starve too.”

It will huge financial and emotional risk, and I have a way to go to work through my fear, but if I want to live a life that makes me feel alive I have to take it, and in the end, it may be worth it no matter what the outcome. I can’t do it today, but I have to work much harder to get out.

It is a huge financial and emotional risk but if I want to live a life that makes me feel alive I have to take it, and in the end, it may be worth it no matter what the outcome. I can’t do it today, but I have to work much harder to get out. I, like Bukowski, would rather “play at writer” than stay.

Of course, I could always just find another job but will it be any better in a new place than it is here? No other 9-5 will make me feel better, I’m sure of that. At least here I have the kids to keep me smiling and plenty of time off to write.

When your day job isn’t your dream job or passion, can be a place of fear, anxiety, and hopelessness. Day jobs where turnover rates are high, where employees are aware of how expendable they are, where they aren’t nurtured and encouraged, these places are soul crushing. Positive thinking will only get you so far. Humans need to have something that is just theirs, something they can be in control of, something that makes them feel useful, unique, and needed. We need to feel free. We need to feed our souls.

Capitalism tends to create a system where workers are little more than slaves. How many of us feel like we can move away if we wanted to? How many of us can take a vacation in the foreseeable future? How many of us can easily take a day off to rest without being penalized or made to feel guilty? How many of us feel like losing our job would be the worst thing that could happen to us? How many of us feel like losing our jobs is something that could happen, easily?

How many of us work jobs where we do as little as possible while there and lose sleep worrying about it in the night?

Too many of us.

Most of us are nothing but a means to someone else’s ends. Most of us aren’t even making enough money at the jobs sucking at our souls to enjoy what little time we do have to ourselves. A whole lot of human life, potential, and happiness gets wasted because the system is set up to make us feel like there is nothing out there for us. We are taught that we are free, but we are never treated like it. Life shouldn’t be like this.

I know everyone can’t leave their jobs. I know all of this is easier to say than do. I am living proof of that. I know what my passion is and I still can’t gather the courage to leave. I can’t leave because I am embarrassed by my passion, because I am afraid, and because I don’t believe in myself. I’m working on that, but I’m trying to light a fire under my ass. I’m reaching out because I need help and because I want to help others too.

This week, just think about your life. Are you happy? Is there somewhere else you want to live or work? Is there some significant change you want to make but it just feels so big that it may as well be impossible?

Maybe we only think so because we are told so. Maybe it isn’t so hard to make a change after all?

Maybe just trying will be all our souls need in the end.

***

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Featured image via Unsplash

My Thoughts are with Chattanooga

The images coming out of Chattanooga, Tennessee this morning, where a school bus full of children appears to have hit a tree, rolled over and split apart, are gut-wrenching. I’ve been glued to the news reading reports of children leaving the wreckage, dazed and traumatized, of children who haven’t yet been reunited with their parents, and of children who would never see their parents again.

These images are hard to look at. I can’t begin to imagine the pain and heartache that must be felt there, but I do feel pain. News of the crash has affected me—and many that I know— deeply because I work in the transportation department of a large school district.

In those images, I see a bus that looks like many of the buses coming out of our terminals and kids that could have been any of the kids we transport.

I’m not a school bus driver, I want to make that clear. I am a bus assistant. I work primarily on special needs buses, where there are fewer children but often much more extreme behaviors and dynamics. I have been working  here for over 10 years, doing the same work, often with the same kids, year after year.  I take the job seriously and I think of all children we transport as precious. I strive to advocate for safety and care in all that my coworkers and I do.

Everyone I work with takes the job seriously and crashes like this shake us up. This scare us.

Working on school buses isn’t easy and I think the general public has very little idea of how difficult and thankless the work is. We transport up to 77 children at time. Seventy-seven loud, rowdy, and often defiant kids. We transport in the summer heat and the winter cold. We transport on icy roads and around other drivers who think they can out run and out maneuver the bus. The parents never appreciate us enough and the teachers never consider us for a second.

We transport in the summer heat and the winter cold. We transport on icy roads and around other drivers who think they can out run and out maneuver the bus. The parents never appreciate us enough and the teachers never consider us for a second.

It isn’t easy work and those that do it, do it because they are passionate about it.

We consider ourselves the first face of the school district the child sees. In many cases, we are the first adult the child sees in their day. It is up to us to keep them safe, to keep them ready to learn, and to be a shoulder to cry on and a listening ear when they feel most alone in this world.

We love our kids and we love what we do and it worries us when on of our own act recklessly.

Today my thoughts are with Chattanooga, with the parents, students, first responders, and the transportation staff who are picking up the pieces of their lives today. I hope we can all learn something from this. I hope that I never have to see images like this again.

I hope that the school bus will continue to be a place for children to have fun, to feel safe, and to know they are cherished.

***

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Featured image via the Chattanooga Fire Department

Look After One Another

Hello, dear readers and happy Monday! I know I know, Mondays aren’t happy. Mondays are for being tired, and grouchy, and remembering all the things you don’t like about your life. Mondays are for wanting nothing more than to crawl back into bed and escaping the world.

But, let’s try something different. Let’s imagine that Mondays are the days when we get to start all over again. Let’s imagine all the bad things that happened last week don’t matter anymore and that we’ve been given a second chance to do it all again, and this time, we might even get it right.

From now on Monday’s are for making the changes we want to see in ourselves, and for thinking about the changes we want to see in the world. Monday’s are our new favorite days!

As for me, this Monday is off to a better than usual start. I managed to wake up on time and get ready without having to rush. For some reason, I didn’t require the usual mental lectures and accosting I normally inflict upon myself. I just did what needed to be done. I’m hoping the rest of the week will be just as smooth.

“Anyone who cares about you has to realize that you need a little looking after, nothing else really matters.”

— Franz Kafka, Letters to Milena

A few weeks ago we received terrible news. One of our drivers was found dead in her home. The cause was determined to be Pulmonary Embolism or blood clots in her lungs. I didn’t know her very well, but the news saddened me. She had not shown up to work for two mornings before our staff decided to do a “welfare check” on her. I know it wouldn’t have saved her, but I don’t think it should have taken that long for someone to realize something was wrong.

It’s sad that she was so alone. I thought about how many people out there could be hurt or dying, and no one knew. I am lucky; I live with someone. Someone who makes sure I am okay throughout the day, every day, but what if I didn’t? I realized that if it weren’t for my girlfriend, it might be days before anyone realized something was wrong with me.

I don’t call people often and if they call me and I don’t answer they don’t think that’s out of the ordinary at all. They I am just doing what always do, avoiding people, or maybe I’m sleeping, or my phone is in another room. Unanswered texts are normal as well. I like to talk to people when I’m ready. I’m sure we all know someone like that.

What if something happened to them? How long until you knew?

It was not like this woman not to show up to work. Not only that but we work split shifts, which means we check in between two and three times a day. By the midday or the afternoon, when she didn’t show up for the second time, someone should have tried to find out what happened to her.

I understand that your boss is not your keeper, but should they be? For many people, their coworkers are the people they see more that family and sometimes even spouses. For some people, their job is the only place they go regularly and the only place they might be missed from.

So, this week I think we should all think about what our responsibilities are to the people we see every day. What would you do if one day they stopped showing up? Would you shrug your shoulders and make jokes? Or would you do something about it? What would you do?

I have a friend I know lives alone. When she is planning on missing a day she tries to let me know and days she isn’t here, and I didn’t know about it in advance, I text her and make sure she is ok. I check with our office to see if she may have called in or if she had previously planned to be out. I ask other people she talks to if they’ve heard from her. I make sure I know she is okay.

We shouldn’t let days go by before we notice someone is missing or before we question whether something might be wrong.

This week, find someone to be responsible for. The person who works at the desk next to you. The coworker you see on your smoke break. The one who you’ve spoken to a few times but haven’t quite crossed over into friendship with. Talk to them and find out if they live alone and if they need someone to check in on them should they not show up.

I know it sounds weird or invasive, but I can’t stop thinking about that woman who lay dead in her home for two days before someone thought to call her. It’s sad. It’s sad we live this way. It’s sad we would rather not bother someone, or get in their business, than to make sure that they are okay.

We have to get over these uncomfortable feelings we have about caring for strangers.

We all need looking after, and for that to happen, we all have to be willing to be one another’s keeper.

***

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Original image via Unsplash

If We Were Having Coffee // East of Eden and Conquering My Fears

Hello, dear readers! Happy Sunday morning to you all. Thank you for stopping by for a quick cup of Joe and a quick catching up. I have a date in a couple of hours with my beautiful lady. We heading to our favorite movie theater for some brunch a screening of Breakfast at Tiffany’s—one of my favorite movies ever!—and afterward, we are visiting my father to celebrate his birthday.

But I normally ramble on so much I am sure you could use the break.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I had a pretty good week! My complaints about work last week have gotten a little better. The driver I’m working with has laid off the preaching and lecturing, although she is still a terrible driver. The student has warmed to me. She is nonverbal and typically pays those around her no mind, but every once in awhile she will hold my arm and squeeze it or take off her shoes and laugh as I put them back on her over and over again.

She did hit me once, but it wasn’t personal, just another game to her and a reminder to me not to drop my guard again.

My girlfriend isn’t having such a good time at work. Where I just ride along on my little route, she over the years has risen through promotion after promotion to become the one in charge of making all the routes. She has a team but as their manager, she handles all the big problems and the angry parents. The beginning of a school year is her busiest and most stressful time. She’s working close to 12 hours a day, and I every day worry about her a little more.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I have a pen pal! An email pen pal, or more specifically an “Awl Pal”.

The Awl is an online publication with the motto “Be Less Stupid”. They are pretty awesome, and they have a pretty awesome newsletter that “changes in theme, format, and frequency every week “. A few newsletters ago they asked subscribers to send in some info, and they would pair them off into “Awl Pals.”

I was paired up with Jeff, who I won’t tell you anything about because he is a “Google-able” person. We’ve started emailing back and forth, and it’s been fun to learn about someone who I have never met and live clear across the country.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I have finally conquered Catch-22 by Joseph Heller. It was a hard read, but that doesn’t mean it was bad. Quite the opposite, it was one of the most amazing books I have ever read. It was funny, and emotional, and confusing, and it had some important things to say about men and war. The characters really got to me too. I’ve been dreaming about them, and I am sad and frustrated by what they went through.

I started reading East of Eden by John Steinbeck this week, and I am positive it will be another one of my favorites too. From the very first page I was hooked. I love the way he writes his descriptions of the land and the references to biblical stories is very interesting. I expect I’ll finish it soon since I can’t put the damn thing down.

***

If we were having coffee, I would very quickly tell you that tomorrow is the big day! The day I take my first adult driving class. For those of you who might not know, I have a very strong phobia of driving and so, at 31 years old, I still don’t have a license. Unfortunately, Denver isn’t the kind of city that is easy to get around without a car, and I have to find a way to get over this fear as soon as possible.

I did a little research and because the fear of driving is not entirely irrational it is very hard to get over. Know one can tell me that I will be safe because I know that people get into accidents and even die every day in cars. But one thing I can do is get instruction from a certified instructor. My girlfriend has been trying to teach me, and although she is very good, I worry she may be forgetting something or not telling me something in a way I can fully understand. Taking a class will make me feel more at ease and more confident, hopefully.

Wish me luck!

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I have to get going now. We’ll be heading to the theater soon, and I still have laundry to do. I really hope you had a great week, and I hope your weekend has been a relaxing and rejuvenating one.

Please, drop a note in the comments and let me know how you have been. This evening, after I’ve made it back home, I’ll check up on you all.

Until next time :)

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There is no you. #blackoutpoetry

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***

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If We Were Having Coffee // Work Options and Work Lies

Hello, hello, dear readers! Thank you for stopping by for a bit of hot coffee and conversation. Yes, this week we’ll have hot coffee instead of the cold brew I’ve been forcing on you all summer. This morning we have cooler temperatures, clouds, and even some fog. Perfect conditions for a hot cup of coffee, don’t you think?

***

If we were having coffee I would tell you that my first week of my new route went well, I guess. So, for any new followers this week, I work for the transportation department of a school district here in Colorado. I ride a school bus with the Special Needs kids to make sure they stay safe and appropriate and have a fun ride. I’ve done this for the past ten years or so of my life and for the most part it’s all been—or felt—pretty much the same.

This year it’s very different. I am riding with a driver who we have contracted a route out to; I’m working with only one student instead of 5 or 9, and I am transporting to a school I have never done before. The hours are perfect; the student needs special attention, but it’s nothing I can’t handle. The only problem so far is that the driver is awful!

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the driver can’t drive and worse than that she preaches to me. I can ignore the driving but the preaching, ugh!

She asked me if I had a boyfriend or husband.  I took in her foreign accent and the fact that she was listening to Christian rock and decided she wasn’t someone I should come out to. So I lied. I told her I was single.

(For those new readers this week, I have been in a relationship with the most amazing woman ever for almost 14 years now.)

I shouldn’t have lied, but sometimes it feels easier than hearing someone tell me they believe I’m going to hell. Then the driver, instead of dropping it and leaving me alone, starts telling me I need to go to church and pray that God brings me a good husband. It might be funny if it weren’t so insulting. *sigh* It’s going to be a long year.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that, speaking of work, I all of a sudden am very popular. All of a sudden everyone wants me working for them. All of a sudden, when I am working on trying to be a writer and leave this job, all of a sudden, they all appreciate me and want me to do more. If I sound a little bitter, it’s because I am very bitter, and I’m trying to hold back.

When I am not on my route, I am working in our training department. I help teach new employees how to keep kids safe, and I help make sure existing employee remember how to keep kids safe. I’ve been doing this for a very long time, and I like to think I am good at it. My bosses tell me I am good at it, but they don’t always treat me like I am.

But now an office position has become available. Actually, two have become available, but one is more work for the same amount of pay while the other is more work for more pay, so only the latter is being considered.

Except that, I want to quit my job one day and the hours I bid and the work I am doing now allow me to focus on writing and working on my novel. I have a plan for this year and all of a sudden they want me. Now I am unsure of my plan. What if I fail as a writer? I’ll have wished I had taken this opportunity. Maybe?

***

If we were having coffee, I would quickly mention that I have decided to take a little driving class. I have a very intense fear of driving—cars are bombs on wheels!—and so I have never been able to get my driver’s license. I have made progress with my girlfriend teaching me, but I have hit a wall. It’s too easy for me to get out of driving with her and it’s too hard for me to be disciplined and do it when I have no consequences for not doing it.

So, I am paying good money for a certified instructor to teach me for a while. This accomplishes two things. One, it will build my confidence. I am being taught by someone who knows how to teach people, and I am getting to practice in a place that is safe for me to make mistakes in. And two, it is setting up deadlines and consequences. If set up an appointment and I don’t go to my lesson, I pay a fee. If I never do any of my lessons I have to pay again.

I am calling tomorrow to set up my first appointment.

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that on the writing front I am going to try writing for a few Medium outlets that pay real money. I expect to get a lot of rejection, but I figure I need to get on with getting rejected as soon as possible so I can get on with getting accepted as soon as possible.

I would also tell you that I have very nearly finished my Blog Like a Magazine course, and I am going to start sprucing things up around here this week. I’m working on some images for the sidebar, I’m pulling some of my favorite posts for a feature at the top, and I may even get a real logo!

Stay tuned and wish me luck :)

***

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that as much as I am enjoying our visit, I have to get going. I have a bit of a headache, and I should lay down before it turns into a full-blown migraine.

I hope you all had a wonderful week, and I hope your weekend has been a relaxing one too. Please, drop by the comments and let me know what you’ve been up to. If you wrote a chatty coffee post of your own let me know that too :)

Until next time :)

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I think she thinks I can't see her lol #ballpython

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***

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Featured image via Unsplash

Just For A Moment, Let’s Be Still

The world’s just spinning along. We can’t feel it so we forget it and the days pass by at over 1000 miles an hour. We barely blink and the day is gone before I ever got to tell you how much I love you or feel your warm skin against mine. Tomorrow will be the same, another few thousand miles, another 24 hours, and not a moment to spend with you.

Everything moves a little too fast. You are here, and you are gone and I swing from happy to sad to angry before you can find a way to make it right but just fast enough to piss you off. Next thing you know we are swept up in feelings of resentment and loneliness. How did we get here? I barely remember the trip.

If things don’t slow down soon we might not last. You are tired and I am tired and the more we try to keep it together the more I fear we are falling apart. The more I fear we are falling apart the more I cling to you and the more we both realize how often you are away. Spinning, spinning, a cycle of back and forth.

So just for the moment, let’s be still. Let’s just stop. Let’s just breathe. Let’s just hold each other and forget all the things we were mad about before. None of it matters I can promise you that. I know you are afraid and I know you think you know what we ought to do but trust me this time and I can show you a better way.

The world’s not forgiving but we can be for each other. You are too important, we are too important, to let the days turn into months, the months turn into years, without taking a moment here and there to stop, be still, and remember why we are here. So just for the moment, let’s be still.

So just for the moment, let’s be still. Listen to me breathe and remember why you love me.

Just for a moment, let’s be still. I’ll tell you I’m sorry and you say it back.

Just for a moment, let’s be still. We’ll fall asleep in each other’s arms and when we wake we’ll start the world spinning again.

***

Featured image via Tanveer Chandok

Post inspired by the song Let’s Be Still by The Head and the Hart

 

Spring is the time of plans and projects.

Good morning and happy Monday to you all. I hope yours started out on the right foot and you are already off and running toward your goals. Mondays are hard, so that might not be the case, but remember that you can always start again, at any moment you can call a do-over and get right back on track.

For me, this week I am choosing to focus on myself and my own work rather than my day job. I work for a school district that is on Spring break and that means I have the option to stay home. I could go in and work in the office or help out with training but I’ve decided to stay home and try to be productive here. I have a few projects coming up that require a little forethought and planning on my part. Something I am not very good at hence why I need the entire week to get it done.

Spring is the time of plans and projects.

// Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina

My first project I need to work on is my Blogging A to Z Challenge posts. I have to begin posting this very Friday and I want to have a head start of 5 or 10 posts written. I have 3 right now and they are not any of the first letters of the alphabet. I have to buckle down from now until Thursday and get A thru E, or so, done.

My next project is to make some headway on putting together a zine. I have been gathering notes and inspiration for months and it’s time to start putting a few things down on paper, or rather, on index cards. I bought a pack of 180 and am using them to mix and match ideas and layout options.

And finally, I have to organize my “creativity room” and get myself some more room to “spread my mind out in” as Virginia Woolf once said. You would think this task would be first, it being the time for Spring cleaning and all, but organizing for me tends to be a form of procrastination so I have to do it very last after all other tasks are complete.

Since I have a day job and cannot yet focus all my time on my hobbies and side projects it is important that I take time here and there throughout the year to focus fully on my other goals so that one day I can focus all the time on them. I am not sure exactly what that might look like, or what path I will need to take to get there, but I’ll never find out without trying a few things.

So this week, take the time to do a little planning or to tackle a few projects that you have been wanting to complete. Springtime is the best time for starting over and it is a season of creativity, take advantage of it while you can.

Monday Motivation // Let Yourself Be Sensitive

Hello dear readers and happy Monday. I hope your work week has started off well. The beginning of the work week is usually rough, and we all stumble and struggle, but try not to let it get to you. Don’t let a day go to waste over complaints and bad tempers. Mondays aren’t as bad as you think, not if you do your best and go easy on yourself.

This week I am feeling a little out of sorts. I am not as irritable as I am most Mondays but I am feeling sensitive and fragile. I feel tired, the kind that threatens to turn to tears if anyone should sound a little too frustrated or answer me in too snippy of a tone. I feel everything is about me and take every joke personally. I feel like a walking wound today, open exposed and hurting, and without understanding or comfort.

I have always been the sensitive type, ever since childhood, I am usually able to hide it well or hold it in until I am at home and can release all the hurt or anger. Being a sensitive type in a work environment is frowned upon, it shouldn’t be but that’s a post for another day. For today, I have to learn to navigate this place and cope with the way I feel.

“I despise my own hypersensitiveness, which requires so much reassurance. It is certainly abnormal to crave so much to be loved and understood.”

// Anaïs Nin

When I am like this I want to stay in bed. I want to feel warm and cozy and all wrapped up. I want a hot cup of tea and a feel good movie. I want to be with my girlfriend. She makes everything better. When I am like this she takes care of me.

But she has to work and so do I but instead of pushing everything down until all I feel is bitterness I think this week I will allow myself to feel. I will allow myself to feel however I need to. There is no reason I should have to walk through the world pretending this much.

So this week I will let the people around me know that I need space and understanding. I need them to take it easy and try to keep things positive around me. I know they don’t have to and some people may choose to be their usual harsh and grouchy selves around me and I will choose to keep my distance. These people are my friends though and I think they will understand that I need this for now, but that I will be back to my usual self soon.

I’m am also choosing not to feel bad for needing that. I am always so hard on myself for being so thin-skinned but I can’t help it and I can’t beat myself up over it either. Being a sensitive type means I am often in desperate need of self-care. This week I’ll give myself that understanding and comfort when other people can’t and I’ll try to protect my emotional soft spots the very best I can.

In addition, I want to be aware of the other sensitive people around me and make sure to treat them gently and with the same care I long for in my day to day life. I think a lot of people are like me, walking around with delicate hearts but they try to hide them which only serves to hurt more in the end. Be mindful of others and always treat them the way you wish everyone else would treat you.

If We Were Having Coffee // Hello Spring!

Hello dear readers and thank you again for stopping by for a chat and a cup of fresh, hot coffee. It is the first day of Spring here in the Northern Hemisphere and I hope that wherever you are you can feel it in the air.

Here in colorful Colorado, we are looking at highs in the 50s for today but the week is going to be a bit of a rollercoaster they say. We’ll have temps in the 70s for a couple of days and then possibly some snow. That is how Spring is for us, one minute warm and beautiful, the next wet heavy snows that clog up the commute and melt by the next morning.

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If we were having coffee I would tell you that I am feeling my age and slowly recovering from a night out with friends. The other queer couple I mentioned last week invited us out to see a play one of them was staring in. It was a hilarious story titled An Evening with Mr. Johnson, in which a man argues with his penis (played by another actor) about the life choices that have been made by the appendage and have had detrimental effects on the man’s love life. It was really good!

Afterward, there were drinks and we all got a little carried away. That means this morning I feel tired and I am thanking my lucky stars the headache and the queasy stomach are already feeling better. The coffee is helping!

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If we were having coffee I would tell you that this week was a busy one and this next week will be too. They have been hiring more and more people trying to address the driver shortage which means I have to train more and more. I was able to get overtime out of it and I expect I will again by Friday, which will help make up for the money I won’t be making when I choose to take the entirety of Spring Break off.

I am going to try to set up a to-do list and a schedule for that week so that I do not get distracted. The goal is to go through my notes and set up themes and pull together ideas for my Zine. I have post-its, pocket notebooks, and legal pads of notes to sift through and I imagine 90% of it will be useless but maybe I can, at least, narrow the focus and get an idea of the direction I want to head.

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If we were having coffee I would tell you that am very disappointed to have fallen behind on my reading goals this month. It happened for many reasons, the chief of which is that I have just been very busy. I am working more, trying to keep up with my posts here, and making better efforts to be more sociable online, not to mention learning a bit of a math, coding, and Spanish every day. Reading had to be put on the back burner for awhile but I am hoping to find a good half hour in another part of the day to get it done again.

The second reason I have slowed down is because I do not like the current book I am reading. Mary Shelley’s classic, Frankenstein, has proven to be one of my least favorite books ever and I am only just over halfway through. I honestly don’t understand the appeal at all. It is just pages and pages of a privileged man whining about something that turned out to be entirely his own fault.I am reading the monster’s account now and it is only slightly better

Some people say you should not finish books that you do not like and part of me really wants to heed that advice but the other half says that this is a classic and it must be so for a reason so I have to finish it and gain what knowledge I can from the damned thing.

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If we were having coffee I would tell you that staying a non-smoker this week was very hard. Now that the weather is nicer and I am hanging out with friends again I miss the outdoor conversations that were made easier with alcohol and cigarettes. The two go together so well and I am almost sad to have one and not the other.

Cigarettes meant finding new friends and bonding wherever you were. Cigarettes meant not being left behind when other smokers take their breaks. Cigarettes also meant not feeling bad that your friends either have to apologize for leaving you behind, or suffer the beginnings of withdrawal to stay with you because you cannot trust yourself to be out there without asking for just one drag, and then another, and another, until you’ve smoked one and might as well buy a pack…

Today I am 116 days smoke-free.

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If we were having coffee I would tell you that I hate to rush off but I want to get out of doors and enjoy a little sunshine while I can. I really hope you had a wonderful week and I hope you will tell me all about it in the comments. So go, witness the beginning of spring and enjoy the rest of the weekend while you can, Monday starts very soon.

See you next week :)