Some say I’m too sensitive and meek
Some call me a weirdo and a freak
My height is too short
and I dress like a dork
But my love finds me charming and unique!
It’s a strange thing, the way your skin grows to you before you grow into it. The way your skin is always there before you ever become aware. You never noticed what it was or what it did. You never see that it is the boundary, marking where you begin. Then one day, around the age of twelve or thirteen, you notice your skin and you hate what you see.
Oh, what horrible skin you find that you have. You feel stupid for never seeing it. You feel ugly and sad. You loathe your skin. You hate it holding you in. You hate it holding others out. You hate it for being too this, too that, and never quite right. You go on loathing, whining, and moaning, “Why can’t you be different?”.
So, you tan and brighten, trying to change the pigment. You stare in the mirror wishing for a better appearance. You hate it showing off your every hurt, your every growth spurt. So, you scrap it, and pick it, and hope it gets better. You scrub it, and mask it, with sick twisted pleasure. You steam it, and freeze it, in the hope that after you will find your bad skin will become something “other”.
This goes on for years, with bellowing and tears. Then one day, quite random and without cause, you find your skin was perfect, just the way it was. You see it’s perfection in every wrinkle and scar. You see it’s done its job, it’s loved you all along. It’s has protected you, warmed and cooled you. It’s saved you from yourself, on more than one occasion, and you have never shown it any appreciation.
So, please, show that skin some love! Pamper it, baby it, show it off, without shame. Go out without guilt, go on and be bold. Let the whole world know, that the skin you’re in, is a temple to behold.
Original image via Iwan Gabovitch
Years have passed since that beautiful day
“Open your gift”, to me she did say
Underneath her breast, her ribs torn apart
Revealing a live and still beating heart
Large, and red, a sticky, bloody mess
Over time is what her gift became I confess
Vexed I once was, with it’s chambers and veins
Each beat, all the while, causing her pain
I wished to return this nasty, used up organ but
She could not see that it’s become quite the burden
All her sniveling and pleas could not change me!
“Go on then, go!” she screamed at my back
“I’ll get this back in!” her voice then did crack
For many years more she struggled to return
The gift she gave me but that I never did earn
Featured image: Dissection of the heart performed by medicine students of Monterrey Tech. In the photo, the entrance of the big atria can be observed by Kenshinb (Own work) [CC BY-SA 3.0], via Wikimedia Commons
Long after midnight
A screen wakes with searing, white light
Damn phone’s set too bright!
If we were having coffee I would have mine strong and dark and if possible I’d make it two cups. I find myself exhausted today and the weather is cold and the news is calling for snow through the middle of the week. I cannot tell you how tired I am of winter. I do my best to keep a positive attitude and look for the good but Mother Nature is trying my patience. I go through this every year though. Colorado winters are long and sometimes harsh and every year I get angry and depressed. I know that I should consider moving but the Summer, however short, are beautiful. I look forward to summer, when I can forget the winter even exists at all. Right before I am trapped here again next winter.
If we were having coffee I would tell you that last week was both good and bad. I got a lot done at work but I also lost my temper and my motivation towards the end. My temper came down to a co-worker who likes to antagonize me finding out the best way to do so. Me and this co-worker are basically “frienemies”. We are nice to each others faces but I think we both are competing. I don’t mean to though and would be happy to continue quietly doing my work but she keeps pushing me, especially when she knows I am already on the edge.
This week I was irritable because of the weather and the announcement that staff members at my job were going to be moved around, my girlfriend is on staff you see. Then after getting back from my route I was bombarded with complaints of other co-workers, that’s when she pounced. Her go to strategy to piss me off is to make snide remarks with a smile so I can’t claim she is being mean. I blew up at her a little and I am mad at myself for allowing another person to get under my skin. I am usually pretty good about staying calm in situations like that but for some reason she always pushes me over the edge. I won’t let that happen again.
If we were having coffee I would tell you that those previously mentioned changes to staff are really freaking me out. My girlfriend is a supervisor and, for those who don’t know, technically my boss. She is possibly being moved to another location which means I may have to go with her. We only have one car. It isn’t so far we have to move or anything, just a longer commute is all. We don’t have the money to get another one now and I still have practiced driving enough to have get my licence (fun fact about me: I have a fear of driving and never got my licence, I’m working on it though, kinda).
So now I am a little stressed about the change but also pretty excited. I may even decide to stop doing the extra work and just do regular hours and focus more of my time on my hobbies. It will be a big change from what I have been doing for years but I can’t help imagining how much more free tie I might have to e alone and work. With my girlfriend being staff and making more money I can cut back a little and she supports me. I haven’t decided yet, I’m waiting for the official announcement of what my girlfriend is going to do this Friday.
If we were having coffee I would tell you that I have some sad news. I am going to have to give up my two kittens soon. They are fighting with my older cat pretty bad anymore and no one is happy. I figure if I give them up now, just shy of a year old, they will have a better chance of finding a good home, hopefully together. I always knew that we might have to give them up so I am not super attached but I took responsibility for them and I feel like I failed to make this work.
I will miss them though. My and my girl don’t have kids and the house can get big and quiet with just the two of us here. We have our older cat but she is old and not much fun anymore, she has become a strictly snuggling cat now and she takes that job very seriously. We hoped the kittens, named Calvin and Quinn, would bring some life into the house but they have brought too much. Now we are thinking we needed a dog instead. A dog can be trained and even contained when needed, cats cannot. So the kittens will go and we will wait awhile and try again with another kind of pet.
If we were having coffee I would say that I can’t believe it is already March, chapter 3 of 12. After this month we’ll be a fourth of the way through the year already. For Denver March is the snowiest month so I am definitely not looking forward to that but the snow tends to be the slushy kind that melts quick. After that spring will be on its way. There isn’t much big I have going on this month. There are no birthday’s or major holidays to celebrate so everything I am doing is in preparation for April, which will be a VERY big month, more on that later.
This past February was a good one here at Zen and Pi. I topped my previous record for amount of likes in one day, got over 1,000 total likes, and hit the one year anniversary of my WordPress registration. I didn’t actually publish my first post here until almost a month later on March 22. I tried a few new things last month. I made some changes to the look here with a new theme and worked on the sidebar with some widgets and even a photo. I did tried my hand at some poetry during The Daily Post’s Writing 201 course, which I wasn’t able to finish with the other participant but will try to finish up on my own this week.
All in all I have enjoyed blogging very much over the past year and have learned so much. I look forward to the upcoming year and expect to learn and grow even more.
If we were having coffee I would say I had better go, I was lazy yesterday and didn’t do anything I was supposed to so now I am playing catch up. Story of my life isn’t it. Also we are (hopefully) finally doing “family day” again today so I have to go get ready for that.. I haven’t seen my family in awhile so I am a little excited. We have a lot of fun when we get together and that’s when we do all of our catching up. These past few weeks my niece was sick or the weather was bad and I feel like I am missing out on everything everyone is doing. And I tend to start feeling a little isolated if I don’t see them for awhile.
I hope you all enjoy the rest of your day. Squeeze as much weekend out of the next 12 hours or so as you can, it’s going to be Monday again before we know it. Bleck!
Oh man does coffee sound good today! The weather is really cold and snowy. I think we may have gotten 6 or 9 inches so far since this storm started yesterday. They predict we’ll get another 3 to 6 by tomorrow morning too. I have my fingers crossed they call a snow day but this is Colorado and we pride ourselves on being able to handle any weather Mother Nature throws at us. We rarely shut anything down here, life continues as if we are’t trudging through knee high snow to get from place to place.
If we were having coffee today I might need to take mine a bit stronger and in the biggest cup you have please, I am in need of the caffeine. I have been exhausted for a few days now but I assure you it is entirely my own fault. It all started last Thursday.
See last week I took it easy, only had to work 3 days, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. I figured since it was a short week I could slack off a little bit. And since I was slacking off I didn’t need as much sleep so I could stay up, right? Then Thursday night we got invited out to a jazz place downtown.
The plan was to only have a couple of drinks, stay maybe an hour or two, then head home to bed. The problem was when I got there and saw how much fun everyone was having, I didn’t want to leave. I haven’t gotten to hang out much lately so I shut my rational self down and stayed out much later and drank more than I should’ve.
So Friday morning was a bit of a struggle. Thanks to my good friend Mr. Redbull I made it through the day but instead of coming home and catching up on the much needed sleep, I stayed up late again! Sleep sounded like a waste of time, I wanted to be doing things dammit! Nothing productive of course but I was up and conscious and that’s what I wanted.
Then I did the same last night and now I am drinking cup after cup of coffee trying to catch up of everything I slacked on the last few days. Writing, drawing, cleaning, I didn’t do any of it. I wanted to spend hours not doing anything worth doing. I played Xbox and watched TV and scrolled Twitter. I regret nothing!
If we were having coffee I would tell you that I have come to my senses now and returned to the real world. I may be stuck in the house due to weather but I will try not to let myself get to lazy. I am going to get stuff done.
If we were having coffee I would tell you that my mood has been pretty good lately. But I am also feeling bored and that is making me depressed. I am not very happy with the long hours I spend at my day job and I have the option of cutting back a little bit. I want to in order to focus more on writing and art but I am scared and reluctant to disappoint my bosses.
I have always wanted to do my own thing and maybe turn it into a business but being a grown up has gotten in the way of me doing the things that I love. I used to draw all the time and now I struggle to get the creative juices flowing. This is not how I want to be. Even if it means less money, I would rather be a creative person, an artist, than a worker bee.
That means making some tough choices soon and decided what matters more to me and what I can and cannot do. And once I start down a path there will be little chance of turning around.
If we were having coffee I would tell you that trying my hand a writing poetry last week was pretty fun. I learned that it isn’t quite as impossible a thing as I had thought it was. I don’t pretend that mine or all that great but they aren’t as shitty as I thought they would be, but I am still keeping the Shitty Poetry tag for now. It makes me smile.
If we were having coffee I would have to grab another to go and head out, I have a bunch of stuff to do today and I have to utilize the energy I have now. Thank you for visiting with me! I hope you had a good week. I hope the weather is nicer where you are. And I hope you enjoy the rest of your Sunday. :)
I hate to be the type to dilly-dally away
I stay away from lethargy and listlessness
My mind runs a mile a minute and so do my hands
I suffer from a chronic restlessness
and go and go
And then all at once
my body shuts down and the mood strikes to
Not a quick nap
Not a full nights rest
I’m talking about the long slumbler of the sloth
I need laying up high
I need days and days with
to speak and
to hear and
to move at any speed at all
I want to be still
I want that green algae growing in my fur
I want to be quiet
I want not a care in the world
They say it is a sin
to want to want to stop work
but when I think of the sloth
I think he must be happiest animal in the world.
A lot of trust is required to move past a wrong
They say it can never be reformed once it is gone
Requiring forgiveness for forgiveness sake
Understanding that we all make mistakes
Seeking to see the intentions of another
Taking time, and giving time, to loving each other
Remember trust lost, is hard won back
Every offense you commit will lessen the chance
But admitting your fault as many times as needed
One more chance you’ve got after forgiveness is pleaded
Real love can get you there if you let go of pride
No one is ever perfect but you can still try