If We Were Having Coffee // It’s My Birthday Month, and I’m Starting Again

“Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all.”

— David Lynch

Hello, dear readers! Thank you for stopping by for a bit of coffee and catching up. I probably shouldn’t be having coffee, the caffeine and the acid are probably the last things my stomach needs, but I’m at home today, and coffee means a lot to me, so I will drink and deal with the consequences later. I know it will be worth every sip.

I know I haven’t  been around much lately, and we will get to why in a bit, but before we do I wanted to warn you that today’s post might contain some TMI subjects and descriptions and a bit of bad language. If you don’t want to hear that kind of thing maybe skip ahead a bit or skip away, I won’t mind I promise.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this week was fucking awful.

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If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I know you, and everyone else, me included are probably tired of hearing me talk about my health and my medication and my anxiety and my hope that any day now I will start to feel better. You are probably tired of hearing week after week that I am still sick, but here I am telling you once again that I am still sick. Not just still, I’m actually worse and getting more and more worried as each day goes by.

Since my ulcerative colitis diagnosis, my whole life feels upended. All I can think about now is my stomach, and bathrooms, and what foods I can and can’t eat, and whether or not I can work today, and when my next doctors appointment is, and if this new pain is due to the disease or my medication, and what medication I am on and what medication will come next if this one doesn’t work, and whether or not I should call my doctor, and whether or not this is serious, and if I’m sleeping enough or too much, and oh god I have to go to the bathroom, again, again, again, again…..This is my life now, and there has been no room for writing anymore.

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If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I feel overwhelmed by all the things I haven’t been able to do or finish because of all of this. I haven’t written a new post here in days, and the comments are piling up. I failed the Blogging A to Z Challenge before I was able to really get going. I’ve missed submission deadlines, and I haven’t sent a newsletter in weeks. I’m so far behind I don’t know where to even begin to catch up, but I want to.

I want to find a way back to doing all the things that made me feel good. I want to find a way to get back to telling my story and spreading my message. I want to finish what I started, so I am starting again.

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If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I think my first two Blogging A to Z posts turned out pretty good, and even though I couldn’t keep going I haven’t gotten over my need to talk about all the bad things in the world. So, I am picking up the project again and combining it with another project I can never seem to get my shit together enough to finish. I am going to make a zine/chapbook from the posts!

I have no idea when the thing will be done, now that I have given myself permission to work outside of the April deadline but I’d like to have a draft done by the middle of may. This will be my first physical thing I am making so please be patient, but I am promising that this thing will be a thing and I will keep you posted if you promise to keep me accountable.

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If we were having coffee I would tell you that my birthday is coming up this week and despite everything, I am still excited. It’s not a big birthday, I’m just turning 32, but it’s my day and I take it very seriously. I like to think of the entire month of April as the time to celebrate me. I mean, your birthday is not just the day to mark when you came into the world but a time to celebrate another year that you got to be on this Earth. What could be more important?

I always think about how each birthday could be my last and it feels wrong not to make each one meaningful no matter how hard aging is or how depressing or bad the year has been. When you consider that there are so many people who won’t be getting a birthday this year your perspective changes. You realize that each one is a gift and worthy of celebration.

This year, like every year, I’ll be making time for dinners and drinks with family and friends and a bit of quiet reflection on the past year and planning for the next. I don’t ask for or expect gifts, I just want to see all the people who make my life meaningful but I know my girlfriend got me something good, she always buys the best gifts, and I’m anxious to find out what it is.

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If we were having coffee I would tell you that I have come to the end of my cup of coffee and, sadly, the caffeine has done nothing for my energy levels. I need a nap. Thank you for chatting with me, it’s been good for me to get up and get typing again. I hope to keep the momentum going.

I hope you had a good week, and that your weekend was a relaxing one. If you have a minute drop by the comments and let me know how you have been and what you have been up to.

Until next time :)

An early birthday present to myself, from myself 😊 #sagavol7

A post shared by Lisa Blair (@zenandpi) on

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Written for to the Weekend Coffee Share link-up hosted by Nerd in the Brain

Featured image via Unsplash

If We Were Having Coffee – Home Improvements, Writing, and Making a Zine

If we were having coffee I would apologize for being a little late, it’s Easter Sunday and while I am not religious I do visit with family to celebrate the holiday. I like the colorful eggs, the marshmallow peeps, the chocolate shaped like bunnies, and watching my niece and nephew play with the toys from their baskets. I guess that’s the great thing about being an Atheist, I can partake in all the good parts of whatever holidays I want and feel absolutely no guilt.

If we were having coffee I would tell you that I am not happy that I have to go to work tomorrow. Last week was spring break and I was able to catch up on a few things and write more but that is over now. Tomorrow it is back to the usual busy work schedule and less time for myself. Luckily, the early mornings to focus on reading and writing are helping, and getting off earlier in the day has improved my moods and motivation.

This A to Z Challenge is kicking my ass, not to mention working on some poetry and keeping up with a few other post ideas I have. The response to my posts has been great and quite flattering. I want you all to know that while I haven’t had much time to reply to as many comments as I’d like I do read every one of them and they mean the world to me. Every comment cheers and motivates me and I appreciate everyone of my followers more than I can say.

If we were having coffee I would tell you that I have been thinking more and more about the ways I can push myself past this blog and do more with my writing and creativity. I am going to buy a few books about writing and I found someone who knows someone who can edit my work. I know I have a lot I can improve but since I don’t know anyone else personally who writes I have no way of knowing in which directions I should go. Hopefully this someone can help.

I am also revisiting the idea of putting together a Zine of essays, poems, and artwork that I could sell or trade. This weekend I bought some supplies to practice simple bookbinding techniques and I am taking notes on what other people are doing on Etsy with their Zines and other self-published works. I am really excited about this project and I promise to keep you all updated on my progress.

If we were having coffee I would tell you while I have been working on all of that, my wonderful girlfriend has begun working on fixing up our house. We bought our house years ago and thought we would have plenty of time and money to make needed repairs and upgrades but we were wrong, so, so, wrong. We worked far to many hours for not nearly enough money to do the things we needed to do and up until recently we have been forced to live in an ugly house.

But with her recent promotion and new, earlier working hours things have changed! She started painting the kitchen last week, which has already improved the space a ton, and soon I hope to have new counters and floors too. Then we will work systematically room by room until finally I might find that I can actually like this house. Either that or I will sell it and move closer to work.

If we were having coffee I would say that there isn’t much else new around here. I would probably have to cut this visit short too, there is still so much writing I need to do, and the Sunday chores need completing. I hope you had a good week and I hope you enjoy the rest of your weekend. :)

Original image via https://flic.kr/p/6V9rxp

If We Were Having Coffee

If we were having coffee I would that this past week was exhausting for both me and Chardonnay. I don’t think she realized how much of her time this new position was going to take up. From the moment she comes in until the last route makes it back she gets no breaks. She hasn’t been eating lunch and she comes home stressed and sad. I am starting to worry about her. I told her she needs to start advocating for herself and tell her boss and the other supervisors when she need a few minutes to reset. She also has to start eating better and getting more sleep.

I am trying to keep an eye on her but my job is getting just as bad. I was busy all week running my own route and on top of that training a class of new people. I have noticed that I am a little more unhappy at my job everyday. I really want to find something else. I want to have my own business one day but I have no idea what I would do or how I would do it. I also looked at museum jobs last week but there are no openings doing anything I’d want to do. I looked for library jobs too but ran into the same thing. It looks like I need a little bit of collage in order to get into any of those fields. I need to start putting together a plan, things cannot continue like this for much longer.

If we were having coffee I would update you on all my animals. The cats are doing ok, I think. My older cat, Sophia, is not at all happy about having the two kittens, Quinn and Calvin, running around. I knew she wouldn’t though and I am glad that so far no real fighting has broken out, only hissing and some swatting. The kittens spend much of their time in the spare bedroom right now. I never let them out around Sophia unsupervised. I leave them with food, water, their litter box, and lots of toys. They like to be out though and they whine when I have to put them back in the room. They are very wild and sometimes i wounder if getting them was a good decision. they are so cute though!

My beautiful ball python, Delilah, is getting so big! I moved her to a big sterilite tub awhile back and she is very happy. We took her out yesterday so I could clean up inside her enclosure and we took a few pictures. She was just as sweet as she has always been even though we haven’t held her much lately. I feel like I got so lucky with her. I got her for $20 from a local breeder at a reptile show. I made a lot of mistakes when I first got her but she has been a trooper through it all. I think I have it right now and I hope to get another snake soon. I’m not sure what species I want and I get the feeling Chardonnay is totally on board yet. It’s ok though, she wasn’t when we got Delilah either but she loves her now :)

If we were having coffee I would tell you that I have an idea but I am a little embarrassed to talk about it. I would tell you that I really want to self-publish my own zine. Typing that sentence just now made me feel like this is so dorky and stupid. I know zines are something that teenagers put together in the 90’s but I think they are still kinda cool. I like that I could put one of my own together and it could be whatever I wanted it to be. I want to write some stories, add some quotes, and screen print some awesome art work! I doubt I would be able to sell them or anything. I’m sure they won’t be all that great. Maybe I could give them away and just…I dunno, tell my story and get my message out there in a different way. Plus it would just be fun!

If we were having coffee I would tell you that I have to go, I have a busy day ahead of me. I would thank you for listening. I know I tend to ramble on and I appreciate your patience. You are awesome and I hope that you have a great week.