A to Z Theme Reveal // Bleak Realities of Human Existence

When I was young my parents a tried to instill in me Christian ideals, a reverence for God, and a proper and deep fear of hell. It never worked, not for one second. I saw from a very early age that there was no God, and even more frightening, no real need of one either.

Their beliefs, rituals, and practices always felt like a veil, hiding something truly terrifying but much more real than anything the bible and it’s God had to offer. I peeked behind that veil, I asked myself what does life mean without God, and I found….nothing. Once I sensed that truth I was flung into a state of anxiety, grief, and wonder over the strange predicament and place of the human species on this planet and in time.

This is what we call an existential crisis, and I have been having one for as long as I can remember.

If life has no meaning, then what is the point of everything we try to do, build, make better, or leave behind? If there is no meaning of life, why should we go on living at all? If there are no Gods where did we come from? Why do we exist? And why are we able to ask such questions? How are we to cope with such knowledge, and spirit, and longing in such a short lifetime? How do we cope with life and then death?

the rejection of all religious and moral principles, often in the belief that life is meaningless.
synonyms: skepticism, negativity, cynicism, pessimism; disbelief, unbelief, agnosticism, atheism

Nihilism can be a very pessimistic worldview, and it is often where most people find themselves after religion. You accept that life amounts to nearly nothing at all and you set about spreading the news. When you are challenged you point out that every religion, every myth, every law and system of morality was invented, changed, and misused by humans and only humans. You reject any plea or point made to the human spirit and focus on the futility of our search for meaning, perfection, or truth.

There is nothing out there for us and to look to the heavens for answers is a waste of time. What we seek doesn’t exist. We are nothing but another chemical reaction happening on a rather small and fragile planet, orbiting a rather ordinary star, in a featureless corner of the cosmos.

a philosophy based on the belief that the universe is irrational and meaningless and that the search for order brings the individual into conflict with the universe

The meaning we long for cannot be found outside of ourselves. For some this conclusion is at odds with everything they feel inside. Every fiber of their being tells them that their life is important, that all life is important. They cannot take the leap, let go of God, and accept that to whatever extent life matters or not, it only matters or doesn’t matter to us alone. The answers we seek are inside of us.

a philosophical theory or approach that emphasizes the existence of the individual person as a free and responsible agent determining their own development through acts of the will.

The truth is, being alive is hard. Having all this intelligence, this emotion, this desire, and forethought is painful in a universe that doesn’t even know you are there. It doesn’t make sense to us, so we try not to think about it.

But I want us to think about it.

So, for my A to Z Blogging Challenge theme this year, I have chosen to share with you all quotes and saying of deep and depressing insight into the bleak realities of the human condition. I want to share what keeps me up at night, what scares me, confuses me, what is painful and what is interesting about existing.

From what I can tell we all grapple with trying to understand what it means to be alive and come to terms with the purpose of our time on this planet. For most of us the conclusions are far too disturbing and to talk about such things in public is considered taboo.

But I want us to talk about it, together.

I want us to talk about it so we can transcend this truth and suffer unto a greater understanding of who we are. What sets us apart, the only dignity we have, is our thoughts, our freedom, and our ability to shape our world into something all our own. Our power lies in our stubbornness, our empathy, our intelligence, our consciousness, and yes, even in our despair and suffering, which belong to us and no other life forms. We ought to embrace that.

Most of the quotes I’ll share come from famous philosophers like Albert Camus and Friedrich Nietzsche, but I’ve tried to include more recent pop culture insights too. Of course, the list isn’t comprehensive. I had to choose one for each letter, and there are many quotes I love that I was forced to leave out. I’m saving those for future posts after the challenge is over.

I promise it won’t all be pessimism and meaninglessness, though. I’ll try to leave you with some joy or inspiration. I’ll make sure to at least remind you that while the universe may not care about you and that eventually we will all die and it will be like you were never here at all, even though none of us matters, you are important, to you!, and that is good enough.



Thanks for reading! If you like this post check out my weekly-ish newsletter for inspiring reads + existential musings on life, love, and inevitable human suffering. Or help support what I do by sharing a cup of coffee.

This post was written for the A to Z Blogging Challenge Them Reveal link-up

Photo by Jakub Kriz on Unsplash


If We Were Having Coffee // A Confidence Boost and a Kick in the Ass

Good morning, happy Sunday, welcome and thank you, dear readers, for stopping by for a bit of coffee and catching up. I’m feeling a bit tired and a bit blah today but I’m hoping both will get me up, get me going, get me thinking and writing, doing the things I really want to do.

And anyway, the sun is out and shining, and it’s far too beautiful a day to be wasted away on the couch or my phone, don’t you think? Yes, let’s get in another state of mind, a positive one that starts with a jolt of caffeine and a few endorphins released between friends, shall we?

“Good communication is just as stimulating as black coffee, and just as hard to sleep after.”

— Anne Morrow Lindbergh


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that my lady is back home and I have been in a state of love and bliss ever since. Apparently, my friends and coworkers were quite concerned with me. I’m a bit concerned too, over how quickly I can fall apart without her.

To be fair, when you live and work with someone for over 13 years and spend every day talking with them, venting to them, bouncing ideas off of them, seeking and giving comfort, even a day or two apart can be really hard.

It was good though, for me to be on my own like that for a week. I did things I am usually not comfortable doing, and I did get a confidence boost I haven’t had in a while. I was brave, and I worked out problems on my own. I learned I’m much more capable than I believed I was before. And I think it’s been good for my relationship too.

For a long time the duties, responsibilities, and the dynamic between us has been pretty rigid. I feel more aware of what my girlfriend had been doing for us, and I am more aware of the possibility that there may be other things she’d rather be doing for us and things I can take over that she had been before. We can change, exchange, and reshape the roles that we had begun to think of as set in stone.


If we were having coffee,  I would tell you that since she’s been back, we’ve had a lot of fun. I cooked—something I hate doing with a passion—a special dinner of pasta carbonara and shared a bottle of 19 Crimes red blend wine, my favorite. We caught up on all of our shows, watched a bootlegged version of Annihilation, which was really good, and got out to the theater to see A Wrinkle in Time, which was a little disappointing, to be honest.

Yesterday we went to Whole Foods, one of our “happy places” for lunch, and did a little thrift/antique store hopping. She scored a HUGE glass jar that I have no idea what she plans to do with, and I got a good deal on some vintage books: Romeo and Juliet and The Merchant of Venice by Shakespeare and The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorn.

Today we’re staying in—except for style grocery shopping and treating the dog to a to PetSmart trip—to catch up on housework, watch The Shape of Water (also bootlegged), and to prepare for another busy work week.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I had hoped to be back to blogging regularly by now, but I’m, obviously, not. I’m starting to feel properly disappointed in myself, but with the April A to Z challenge just around the corner, I’m hoping I will get the a just the metaphorical kick in the ass I need to get going.

I have a theme or three in mind and quite a few ideas for each, but I’m supposed to announce my theme tomorrow! I’ll be spending the rest of the day writing that, and trying to fill out the more difficult letters of the alphabet, “q,” “v,” “x,” etc.

I really want to make this year work. Last year I struggled through the first week and gave up. This year I’m keeping it simple and making the posts more personal. It’s easier to write what you know when you start with yourself, you know?


If we were having coffee, I would say that the sunlight seems to have shifted and the afternoon has brought clouds and cooler air blowing through the open windows, reminding me that the day is fading fast. Sadly, it’s time for me to go. I have so much left to do, and write, before tomorrow, so I thank you again for stopping by. I’ll say my goodbyes and wish you a wonderful rest of your weekend.

I hope you have been well and wherever you are you have enjoyed some sunshine and some time for yourself. I hope you have felt productive and proud of yourself, and if not I hope the coming week, you’ll see a change for the better.

Until next time.


Thanks for reading! If you like this post check out my weekly-ish newsletter for inspiring reads + existential musings on life, love, and inevitable human suffering. Or help support what I do by sharing a cup of coffee.

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash





If We Were Having Coffee // Getting Braver all the Time

Hello dear readers, happy Sunday, and thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and conversation. I’m a bit late, and I hope you will forgive me but the sun was shining, and the bookstore was calling, and I couldn’t resist a little trip before our coffee date.

The time change isn’t helping either. Turns out I didn’t have as much time as I thought I did and I’m later than I meant to be. On the bright side, the sun is still shining and saying we have plenty of daylight left for all the catching up we need to do, It’s still warm enough to warrant a cup of cold brew too!

“I hereby arm myself for today with coffee and the willingness to be wrong.”

― Audrey Assad


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this week has been a hard one. My girlfriend has been in Texas since Thursday evening and won’t be back until nearly mid-week, so I am all on my own, a state of being I have never been very good at. Yes, I know being on my own for a week isn’t the worst thing that can happen, but for a couple that spends almost all their free time together and has spent less than 10 nights apart in 13 years of living together, this is really fucking hard, and depressing! Even the dog is sad without her here.

Despite wanting to stay and bed and sleep the week away alone, I made sure to take care of myself. I showered. I got dressed. I cooked. I joined some friends for a Colorado Mammoth lacrosse game downtown, the first I’ve ever been to! And I faced my fear of driving and got myself to and from work, to the grocery store, to my mom’s house (she’s also out-of-town, and I have to feed and care for her cats while she’s gone), and to Barnes and Noble all on my own.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that facing all that fear and anxiety has taken a real toll on my body. It’s hard enough trying to overcome a phobia but to do it with an autoimmune disease that can be triggered by stress. Still, I am trying to be brave and do it anyway, and even though I have made a ton of mistakes, somewhere deep down, I’m pretty sure I’m proud of myself.

I’m proud of myself for refusing to feel ashamed of my fear anymore. Shame is what stunted my progress more than anything else. I was so busy hiding I couldn’t drive in front of people or ask for help. When I let go of that shame, I found reassurance and compassion and learned I wasn’t alone. I’m proud of myself for learning to talk to people about it. I’m proud of myself for talking to you about it now, and I’m proud of myself for dreaming that there might be a chance I could join the rest of the adult world and become a driver’s license carrying member of society one day! Maybe even by my next birthday?


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that writing has not been going well at all lately. I’m trying, but nothing sounds right. Nothing sounds like me anymore.

I’ve tried prompts. I’ve tried writing by hand. I’ve tried different music and writing at different times of the day. I’ve tried writing on my phone, writing on my iPad, and writing on my laptop. I’ve tried just writing just a few words a day, and I’ve tried writing 1000 words a day. I can get words out on to the page and the screen that isn’t the problem. The problem is I hate everything I put down. Nothing sounds right, and it’s getting worse more than it’s getting better.

I think I’m just trying too hard. I’m not short of ideas, and I’m not having trouble coming up with words, I’m having trouble organizing my thoughts and figuring out what it is I am trying to say and how exactly I want to say it. It’s a problem of articulation.

Or maybe being creative means cycling between influence and production, input and output. If I was doing nothing at all or had lost interest entirely with words, this might be an easier problem to fix. It turns out, I might not have a problem at all but instead, I’m just not in a place where I can write my own words right now, and that isn’t something I can rush or work around. Maybe I’m just in a place where I have to consume the words of others until I have enough inspiration, motivation, and know how to move forward.

Or maybe it’s just that I need to get back in a groove. I need to learn how to have fun with writing again and not be so serious all the time. I need to reconnect with other bloggers and join challenges and exchange ideas again.

Whatever it is, I’m working on it, and I hope to have it resolved as soon as possible. I just miss feeling like I had a space that a was my own to be creative and to be proud of. I want that feeling back.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I’ve at least been reading like crazy since I can’t seem to write. Since finishing The Oresteia by Aeschylus I’ve started The Odyssey by Homer, for the third time at least, and On the Genealogy of Morals by Friedrich Nietzsche, for the second time, and today I picked up Annihilation by Jeff Vandermeer. I’m 2 books behind schedule but I’m going to get my ass in gear this week and finish at least two of these, and then I’ll slog through The Odyssey for the rest of March.

I’m trying to read other things too. I’m looking for more poetry like salt. by Nayyirah Waheed. I’m getting back into reading all the newsletters piling up in my inbox, more longform reporting, more personal and opinion pieces, and I’m trying to read blogs again too.

More input. More ideas. More reasons to write.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the sun has gone down, and if I hope to sleep well tonight I’d better not refill my cup. There was so much more I wanted to tell you, but I’ve already kept you too late, and with the work week just hours away, I’m sure we both have too much to do to keep on chatting.

I hope you had a good week. I hope you’ve been well. I hope that you were able to cross a few things off of your to-do list and had time to spare to do a thing or two just for you.

Until next time.


Thanks for reading! If you like this post check out my weekly-ish newsletter for inspiring reads + existential musings on life, love, and inevitable human suffering. Or help support what I do by sharing a cup of coffee.

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli

Photo by Porsche Brosseau

Currently // February 2018: I’m Waking up with the World

February, the month devoted to Black History, and to lovers of romance, passes by far too quickly. I wish this one had been a leap year. I wish I could have had one more day to complete one more thing and end the month on a more satisfying note. Instead, I’m scrambling and disappointed. That isn’t entirely true. February was good to me, I don’t think I was good in return though.

I procrastinated and lost sight of what I set out to do. I spent far less of my time writing, reading, and creating then I meant to but so many of the last 28 days were filled with love, and beauty, and discovery, I can’t say it was all bad. I just had to make hard choices about my time, that’s all, and if it had been at another time of year, I might have chosen differently. I’m hoping that March will afford me more options and more time for me.

I leave the month inspired and proud of what I was able to do. I’m determined to make slow but steady progress and my biggest goal to remake this space into a place where I explore more ideas, work out what I think and how I think. I look forward to writing again.

But first, here is what I am currently:

Writing blog posts and more blog posts. A writer I admire very much, Austin Kleon, has been keeping up a daily blogging habit and recently shared a post he wrote some time ago about how and why he blogs the way that he does. It changed the way I thought about what I was doing, or, more accurately, not doing, here. I read too much bad advice and compared myself too harshly to others. I couldn’t write anymore. But I feel like I’m at least pointed in the right direction now and all I have to do is take a tiny step forward. Before the end of March I will begin again, and this time I will be writing here every single day.

Making notebooks! Last month, I mentioned that I was working on finding a new journal for myself. Well, I finally finished it, and while it is undoubtedly flawed and no part of the project went as smoothly as I hoped it would, I love it! I learned so much while making it, both about bookbinding and about myself. I learned that bookmaking is like meditation and that making things with my hands is the best way to relax in the evening. I’m slowly filling it up (another daily habit I had to begin again too), and I can’t wait to make another, even better one next!

I’ve also made a scrap paper sketchbook—pics soon!—and I’m putting together a pocket notebook too. I’m actively looking for new bookbinding projects to begin and new ways to fill the books I’ve already made.

Planning my wedding, and it isn’t nearly as much fun as everyone acts like it should be. I honestly believe it’s because we’re still in search of a venue. We found one we love, but it’s pricey. As excited as I am to marry the girl of my dreams, finally, and as much as we both want to give the other a day every bride dreams of, it’s hard to justify spending thousands of dollars—years of savings—on just a few hours of celebration.

Anticipating more sunlight! Finally, Spring is close enough to begin feeling excited about. I’m looking forward to a typical Colorado spring with increasingly unstable but steadily warming temperatures and the days continuing to grow longer and longer. I’m looking forward to the smell of honeysuckle, fresh cut grass, and rain! Oh, I have missed rain so much! Soon, very soon.

Reading The Oresteia, still. The book is really, really interesting but it isn’t an easy read for me. First of all, it’s a play, and the structure makes it hard for me to visualize the action. Second of all, its old. This particular translation from Greek to English seems to prioritize a natural way of speaking, but I still struggle with the metaphors and the grandiosity.

I also discovered the poetry of Nayyirah Waheed this month. I downloaded both her books, salt., and nejma, and I’m working my way through them quickly. Reading her poetry feels like radical self-care.

Watching Here and Now on HBO. On the surface, it’s just another show about another dysfunctional family, but underneath there is an exploration of race relations, aging, and some weird supernatural psychological creepiness too. I highly recommend it along with Altered Carbon on Netflix, a sci-fi murder mystery set in the future where human consciousness can be stored, uploaded, and downloaded into a new body, even after death.

I can’t move into March without mentioning Black Panther. I don’t have the words yet to describe how a film like that made me feel. I nearly cried, same as when I attended the all-femme showing of Wonder Woman when it came out. That what representation long denied and finally, finally realized, feels like.

Reflecting on one year since my ulcerative colitis diagnosis and everything I have learned about my body, changed in my life, and failed to do for my well being since then. I don’t know if it’s age—my 30s feels almost like a second puberty where my body is changing in depressing and disturbing ways I don’t understand—or if it’s my diagnosis, but I don’t feel as energetic or as beautiful as I did before the beginning of last year. I am pledging now to find a way to move more and to learn to love my body through its changes. I’m convinced self-love is necessary to aging gracefully.

Learning how to filter other people’s thoughts through my own mind—more inspiration from Austin Kleon. I read a lot. I listen to a lot of podcasts. I watch all kinds of interesting shows and movies. Sometimes, I even listen to good music, or just learn a fun new fact.

All of it makes me think and feel new deeply, and I want very much to share the way I think and feel with all of you, but I have a hard time giving myself permission share it. It feels like stealing, or like copying. Someone already wrote about it, so there isn’t any reason to say it again, right?. But there is something to say about how something changed me. There is something to be said about where it led me and where I hope to lead you by sharing it.

Feeling ready to wake from my hibernation. My bones and joints long to move and hold weight again. My muscles are sore and longing for space to stretch. I’m hungry and curious and searching for adventure and connection again. I want to feel the sun on my skin, and I want to see the moon again. I’m waking up with the world, again.

Fearing what I will do with myself when my girlfriend goes out of town for work in a few weeks. We’ve lived together for over 13 years,  and I can probably count all the nights we’ve spent apart using only my fingers. I don’t sleep well, eat well, or feel well at all without her and she’ll be gone for six whole days. Worse, ill be driving myself to and from work, and to my mothers once a day to care for her cats since she’s leaving town too! I’ll be working all on my own to overcome this driving anxiety. I’m scared, but I’m also kind of excited. I’m hoping having no choice but to drive on my own for six days will force the progress I’ve been struggling to make.

Needing more human interaction in my life. I’ve been busy. I’ve been sick. I’ve been feeling down, and disappointed, anxious, and, at times, lonely. My friends and family are all hibernating too, or they’re working, or they are sick, or they are just too tired, and it is just too cold outside and anyway they’re broke and so am I, so we haven’t seen each other since Christmas or longer. I want to reach out but it’s hard, and I’m mad at them for not reaching out, but it has to be just as hard for them too I guess. I’m afraid I’m growing away from people. I need the courage to build all my bridges again.

Loving the WeCroak app. It may sound strange but installing an app that reminds me five times a day that I am going to die and offers a quote, a bit of wisdom, on the inevitable end to reflect upon, has done more for my well being than any mindfulness or productivity app I have ever tried. When you remember you are going to die, scrolling Twitter and Facebook no longer feel like a good use of your time, and you choose something more fulfilling to do. It’s even helped with my death anxiety by offering comfort through validation of my fear. The trick is to fight the urge to swipe away the notification and to really take in what the quotes are trying to teach you. Best $0.99 I have ever spent!

Hating the way I can see so clearly the divide between black and white, men, and women, old and young, rich and poor, the people with power and the people they exploit, but I can’t do anything to fix it. I feel helpless, useless, and worse, part of the problem myself. I’m angry and tired of being so forgiving of the people who deny more and people like me the dignity of a life where I can feel free and fulfilled. I’m angry, and sometimes I want to take a page from my oppressor’s book. I want desperate measures and the shady tactics. I don’t want to be patient. I don’t’ want to be kind. I want all the bad things to STOP! I want to stop being afraid and start feeling safe, and whole, and important.

Hoping the energy I am seeing behind gun control in this country won’t fizzle out. I’m tired of the world moving on so easily after all this tragedy. When children are killing children, the world should stop and reflect. The world should change. Everything should feel different when the halls of our schools run with blood and ring with gunshots. I believe in the Second Amendment, but we’ve gone too far! We’ve placed the rights of weapons dealers over the lives of children! I’m angry, and I’m heartbroken, but I believe in these kids, and I’m hopeful for the future.

All in all, February was a good month, it just wasn’t the month I thought it would be. I had hoped for more from myself by now. I’m trying so hard to focus on all the progress I have made, even if it isn’t the progress I had planned to make. Things are moving forward. The world is changing, and I am changing with it. I’m back in a space that belongs to me. I’m making things with my hands. I’m back on the path to learning about myself, with you.

But how about you? How did February treat you? How much have you learned and grown? What has made you feel disappointed or afraid? Did you see Black Panther? Absolutely amazing film, right? Did you spend Valentine’s Day with a special someone? Let me know in the comments.


Thanks for reading! If you like this post check out my weekly-ish newsletter for inspiring reads + existential musings on life, love, and inevitable human suffering. Or help support what I do by sharing a cup of coffee.

The inspiration for these posts comes from Andrea at Create.Share.Love.

Featured photo by Element5 Digital on Unsplash

If We Were Having Coffee // A Moment to Acknowledge Progress

Hello, happy Sunday, welcome, and thank you for stopping by for a bit of coffee and catching up. Forgive me for not sitting down. I’ll have to take my caffeine and converse while I’m getting ready because we have an appointment to tour our dream wedding venue today! I would have waited to chat with you until after but I am afraid I’ll be told the place is out of our meager budget and return broken-hearted and depressed. No, better to visit now, while I’m excited and have my past week still fresh in my head.

“I cannot simply put into words how coffee, stars, and a good conversation turns me on.”



If we were having coffee, I would tell you that there you may start seeing more of me around here than you have lately. I know posts have been few and far between and far from fun, interesting, or informative too. Part of it has been my busy schedule. I give all my best hours and all my creative energy to my day job, and by the time I get home, there is nothing left for writing. Part of it has been perfectionism too. Writing is easy, but editing is dreadful! So whatever I do make time to write just sits unloved and atrophying in my drafts folder.

If I am honest though, most of it is a lack of passion. I haven’t been writing that way I want to write. I’ve been trying to write what I think people want, or the way I think other people do. I haven’t been writing in a way that works for me.

This week I read an old post from one of my favorite authors, Austin Kleon, on his return to daily blogging and it really summed up the way I have been feeling, and where I hope to go, now. I realized that I wasn’t alone. Being online is hard. Being interesting is hard. Delivering something worth reading on any regular basis is really fucking hard.

But even when I am afraid, and I give up for a while, I miss it. Kleon reminded me that blogging is important to both the reader and to the writer. Blogging is a way of thinking and a blog is a container to fill with all the things you think. This place is mine and as much as I love my readers, and as much as I love the attention the internet can bring, this place has to be for me first.

And so it will be. I am not quite ready to jump in and promise you posts every single day, but soon, very, very soon.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I have been reading again. I’m a book or three behind schedule already, but it’s okay. I’ve found my groove with The Oresteia by Aeschylus, and I’m not rushing at all. In fact, I’m spending most of my time researching the time period, the Gods, the myths, the back stories of every family and every character. I’m reading the notes in the back, and the Spark Notes and the Wikipedia entries on my phone. All the research is making a play that is already rich with emotion so much more interesting.

It took me weeks to get through the introduction alone, and a few more to get a handle on the structure but this week I made it more than halfway through and now I’m worried about what I will pick up next. Luckily I still have a few Penguin Classics left from the set I won last year. In that set, I realized I have both The Homeric Hymns and The Three Theban Plays. It looks like I won’t have to leave Ancient Greece for a while after all.

Oh, and on the subject of The Oresteia, I recently watched The Killing of a Sacred Deer, a creepy psychological thriller/nightmare, that I realized was based on the story of Agamemnon, the very same King that the first play of The Oresteia is named for.

In case you aren’t familiar, Agamemnon was the brother of Menelaus whose wife, Helen, was stolen from him and carried off to Troy. Together the brothers led their armies in a 10-year long war for the offense. But before the war could begin, Agamemnon offended the Goddess Artemis by killing one of her sacred deer and boasting he was the superior hunter. In retaliation, Artemis refused to let his ships advance toward Troy until Agamemnon agreed to sacrifice his daughter. He did. He went to war. He won, and upon returning, he found his wife bitter and bent on revenge and that is where The Oresteia starts.

I think it’s a pretty interesting coincidence that I would be reading these plays and happen to have decided on this film at the same time. I recommend you check out both yourself!



If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I haven’t been driving as much as I should be, but I do feel better about being behind the wheel. The problem lately has been the weather—I’m not ready to drive in the snow—and we’ve been waking up late most mornings, and I’m too slow to get us to work on time. Thought of driving no longer terrifies to the point of tears and fury, and that is progress. Driving feels more and more like something I am capable of doing safely, even if I hate it.

It’s also helping to dream that at the end of this journey to overcome my phobia, there may be the promise of a new car. A car that I get to choose, that fits me. I want a car that makes me feel like I am going off on an adventure, not off to slaughter. A used Jeep Wrangler or a beat-up old Land Rover perhaps. Something I can trust.

I still have a long way to go, and pretty soon my fiance will be traveling for work, and soon she may begin working somewhere else entirely, so I have to keep going. I just felt I’d earned a little break, and a moment to acknowledge my progress. I’m so proud of myself for as far as I have come and I know I can beat this phobia! I’ve got this!


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that it is time for me to get going. A winter storm dropped five inches of snow on us yesterday, and there’s no telling what the roads will be like. I’ll pop in later to update you on the venue tour.

I do hope you had a wonderful week and that your weekend was warmer and more relaxing than mine.

Until next time.

On Living #blackoutpoetry #makeblackoutpoetry #newspaperblackout

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Thanks for reading! If you like this post check out my weekly-ish newsletter for inspiring reads + existential musings on life, love, and inevitable human suffering. Or help support what I do by sharing a cup of coffee.

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli

Photo by Ronaldo Arthur Vidal on Unsplash

If We Were Having Coffee // Happy Traumatic Brain Injury Sunday

Hello dear readers! Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffiene and catching up. I managed to break yet another French press carafe so we’ll be doing a bit of DIY pour over drip coffee today. Which is fine by me if it is by you. On days like this, when the clouds are hanging about that the temps are laying low, a bit of coffee and conversation will go a long way. On days like this, I’ll take what I can get.

“Life’s too short to drink crappy coffee and cry over [people] who don’t care.”

— Matty Healy


If we were having coffee I would tell you that, I’m tired. I don’t know what it is but I haven’t felt very rested lately. I can’t get out of bed in the morning and my mind doesn’t work at all. I’m running on auto pilot and feeling so close to death I’m worried I might start craving human flesh. I worry there is something big and wrong with me, but it’s probably just the lack of sunlight, the time change, the weather, and the work. I think I just miss warmth, and leaves, and flowers, and the sun. Oh my God, I miss the sun so much. Sure it comes out but the days are too short and the air is too cold for me to spend much time in it.

According to days.to we have just 43 days to go until the spring equinox. Of course, here in Colorado that doesn’t mean much. Our weather is often erratic and unpredictable and we could see cold and snow into May, but we could also see Spring-like weather return tomorrow. Ground hogs don’t have much say around here.

I think this week I’ll make more of an effort to get out into the fresh air, even when it’s cold. A walk up the block, or around the lot at work won’t kill me, and the sun will do me good despite the cold. I need to get away from my desk, move my limbs, rest my eyes a little, and if it’s really nice, and my work load allows, I may get some writing done out there. I think that is exactly what I have been needing.


If we were having coffee I would tell you that I am one of those buzz kill Debbie downers who won’t be watching the Super Bowl today. I know it’s America’s sport and all that, and I know it’s not very American or patriotic or normal of me not to watch or to care, but, well, the sport is toxic and violent and I just can’t see the “fun” in all that traumatic brain injury going on.

I wrote a few words about it over on Tumblr this morning and I linked to a great video, article, and podcast episode of The Intercept there all about the violence and economic, racial, and political power struggles in the NFL. Even if you enjoy the sport, I hope you’ll check them out. Sometimes loving something means being brave enough to make it better.

I don’t judge anyone for their love of the sport. I’m not here to make you feel bad. Almost everyone I know and love will be watching today. Someone close to me will even be freezing their ass of at the game! I’m happy for them, and happy for the teams that made it there. I just wouldn’t be able to sleep tonight if I didn’t say I felt for them too. I wish them a safe game. I wish them a future without permanent brain damage, motor impairment, confusion, suicidal thoughts, aggression, or dementia.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the wedding planning is ramping up. We’re still lacking a venue, but we’ve settled on a budget, a brunch ceremony and reception, and a design for the “save the dates”. My wife-to-be is hand painting each and every “save the date” and I am setting up three venue tours for next weekend. We’ve already found ourselves fighting, crying, and wanting to give up and it’s only been a few weeks of planning. We’re staying strong though and trying to remember that after the guest list, the budget,the invitations, and the venue booking, things should relax a bit. We’ll have all summer to figure out the rest.

Somewhere deep down we are getting excited too and I do know that whatever we end up doing it will be beautiful. I know no matter how the day is spent, that it will be the happiest day of my life.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that despite the lack of new posts around here, I actually have been writing. I have a ton of ideas and a lot of posts that have been started, I just haven’t had time to finish anything. So in the coming weeks you may see posts that would have made more sense a week or more ago. For example I have a post about the movie Groundhog Day half-finished and I was ready to toss it out but I had worked so hard, and what I have to say is important to me, so I am going to finish it and post it anyway.

I know as a blogger I am expected to be organized and timely, but as a person I am messy, forgetful, and sometimes just plain afraid. I’m trying to remember that this is my space, and I can do whatever I want. I can write about whatever I want to write about and I can post it whenever I want to post it. I have no reason to hide, or to give up on a message..

I have things I want to say, not just for you, but for me too, and I would feel like a bad writer if I didn’t follow through and say what I came here to say.


If we were having coffee I would tell you that evening time is coming on and it’s time for me to get going and get ready for the coming week. I hope you had a wonderful and productive week, whatever that means for you. I hope you have a safe Super Bowl Sunday, and whatever team you root for wins. With that, I’ll have to take my leave, and my second cup of coffee to go, and wish you a relaxing rest of the weekend.

Until next time.


Thanks for reading! If you like this post check out my weekly-ish newsletter for inspiring reads + existential musings on life, love, and inevitable human suffering. Or help support what I do by sharing a cup of coffee.

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli

Photo by Steve Harvey on Unsplash

Currently // January 2018: I’m Glad Its Over, but I Wish It Wasn’t

Oh my gosh it’s a whole new month, and I am late posting my “Currently” list! One day January was dragging, and I had plenty of time, then POOF! the next day it was gone. I had so much planned, so much I had hoped to have done by now, and of course, OF COURSE, life has thrown curve ball after curve ball, and nothing at all has turned out the way that I wanted it to. Turns out there was a whole lot of day job work waiting for me right around the corner from the holidays. Work that left nearly no time at all for writing, or reading, or art.

I’ve seen posts on Twitter from people proclaiming that their “2018 will start on February 1st, January is a free trial month. I think I will head into February with the same mentality. January was a trial month. A month for easing into the year. A month to get my feet wet in and to get all that “other work” and procrastination out of the way and now I can spend the next 11 months of 2018 doing great things!

But first, here is what I am currently:

Writing all the things, when I can that is, but none of it has been worth sharing. I have a couple dozen ideas for blog posts, newsletter topics, Twitter threads, essays, poems, zines, and book chapters all scribbled out on post its and pieces of scrap paper but nothing coherent, nothing fully realized, nothing tangible. I’m getting there but so so slowly. I’m working on being okay with that.

Making a new journal/diary, and a new art journal. I used this tutorial for the journal, but mine is going to be all black on the outside, of course, and hot pink on the inside. The pages are all printed, each with a different pattern: some ruled, some with dots, other with hexagons, and triangles, and more. The art journal is a combination of this tutorial and this tutorial. The pages are all different sizes, thickness, colors, and textures, and I am full of ideas and very excited to finish it, and very afraid to finish it too. I’m taking them both very slowly, trying not to let my fear get the best of me. Trying not to freeze up and let myself down.

Planning our wedding, for real this time! We’ve pushed our date back for the last time and have just under nine months to make this thing happen. We’ve set up a Trello board, we’ve designed our save the dates, and we’ve gathered venue options to start visiting. Were entirely overwhelmed but we’re taking it one step at a time and trying to remember that 10 months is more than enough time if you make sure to do a little something every single day.

Anticipating Valentine’s Day with my wonderful wife to be. We’re going to brunch at a jazz place we found by accident last summer and seeing a ballet performance of Romeo and Juliet. Of course, it won’t compare to the 1996 film starting DiCaprio as Romeo and Harold Perrineau as Mercutio. Maybe we’ll watch that too, afterward.

Reading The Oresteia by Aeschylus, still. I need to need to need to finish it soon before I fall too far behind my 30 book reading goal for the year. I think id better go book shopping soon. It helps to have a good book waiting for you after you finish a difficult book. It keeps you motivated.

Watching The Chi on Showtime, a show about the day-to-day violence and grief people of Chicago’s face, and Hate Thy Neighbor on Viceland, in which comedian Jamali Maddix travels around the world meeting alt-right, racist, and homophobic groups. I finished Scandal, and I’m catching up on Grey’s Anatomy but I have long since forgotten why I like either one.

Learning Spanish still, but not much else at the moment. I had hoped to sign the International Women’s Health and Human Rights Course but with work, and the wedding, and winter getting to me, it wasn’t a good time. I attempted to complete the course late last summer, but I was applying for the Bitch Media fellowship then and couldn’t keep up. I’ll try again for the February 24 enrollment date. In the meantime, I will be catching up on the Crash Course Sociology playlist.

Feeling exhausted! I don’t know what it is, but I am having a harder and harder time getting out of bed in the mornings. I feel sleep deprived and zombified. I’m drinking more and more coffee all the time which I suspect is only exacerbating the problem. I blame winter.

Needing more time. January has dragged on longer than any month should, and still it doesn’t feel like enough. I’m ready for it to end, but I wish it wouldn’t. I need more time. More time to sleep. More time to do the things I want to do. More time to check a few more items off the to-do list, to make a dream or two come true, to rectify a regret. I need more time to take care of myself. I need more time with the people I care about who seem to be just as busy, exhausted, and depressed as me. I’d like more time to let myself care and more time to connect. Most of all, I’d like more time to do nothing at all.

Loving love! Normally for me, February is all about Black History Month, and I’m still mindful of that, but this being the year I am getting married, all I can think about is love. I’ve been with my girlfriend for over 15 years, and I have learned so much about connection, caring, and compassion. I’ve learned how to equally be an individual, and be a part of a couple too. I’ve learned how to grow with someone. I’ve learned how to love in healthy ways, and I’ve learned how to articulate the way I need to be loved too. I’ve learned and continue to learn every day what words like marriage, relationship, compromise, and “happily ever after,” really means. I love that real life, hard, messy, angry, frustrating, deep, quiet, and calm kind of love.

Hating this new trend in America where we base a person’s worthiness, “American-ness”, is based solely on how much they can contribute to the economy. How much product can you generate? How much supply will you be able to demand? If you can’t work, invest, or buy you aren’t welcome. I thought a person’s life was priceless? I thought life and liberty and the pursuit of happiness were non-negotiable? It is our responsibility! It is our problem. IF not us, who? Aren’t we trying to do better? Do better!

Hoping that the focus on queer, non-binary, and all femme identifying people and the harassment, violence, and suffering we all face on a day-to-day basis continues. It’s about fucking time we address rape culture and the lengths our institutions will go to turn a blind eye. It’s about time we come together, support one another, and demand, DEMAND, acknowledgment, validation, and justice. I’m strengthened by the bravery I seen. I’m encouraged by the response. I’m hopeful that fewer women will carry such burdens and such pain with them in the future.

All in all, January was, honestly, a pretty hard month, but not in every area of my life. Some very good things were started this month too. I’m doing my best to remember that and move on with determination and focus. February will be short, and Spring is just around the corner and with it warmer weather, my birthday, and Spring Break! I just have to get there. I just have to remember that I’m happy. I’m in love. I have to remember to be grateful.

But how about you? How did you spend the first month of 2018? How are those resolutions holding up? What are you looking forward to in February? I hope all is well, and I hope you can find a way to care for yourself, take care of your to-do list, and take care of the people you love in the coming month.


Thanks for reading! If you like this post check out my weekly-ish newsletter for inspiring reads + existential musings on life, love, and inevitable human suffering. Or help support what I do by sharing a cup of coffee.

The inspiration for this posts come from Andrea at Create.Share.Love.

Featured photo is by Nathan Wolfe on Unsplash